1. Always wear underwear.
2. The Situation should not be your role model.
3. Don't set off the metal detector.
4. If you starred in How the Grinch Stole Christmas? Don't remind people.
5. If you're planning on wearing your tight black micro-mini and black high-heeled sandals ...
... check to make sure you're the only one.
6. Above all: a good hair day
is a good fashion day.
---
All photos courtesy of The Denver Post.
Everyone knows that the half-life of a royal wedding dress is easily over a decade. If you got married in the 1980s, chances are your dress had a full skirt, like Lady Diana's. If you got married in the late 90s or early oughts, chances are your dress was a slim column, like Carolyn Bessette Kennedy's.
Which makes us very happy with Kate Middleton's dress. She walked down the aisle looking almost retro.
Think about what this dress is not: it's not strapless. It's not even sleeveless. It's not a slip. It's not low cut. It has structure. You can tell she's wearing underwear.
With some luck, Kate's wedding dress will influence bridal fashions for the next ten years, thus saving us from the sight of our daughters dressed like any of the following:
Congratulations to the royal couple, and our heartful thanks to the Duchess of Cambridge.
Remember when everyone was talking about 62 year old Helen Mirren in her red bikini? And how terrible this picture made you feel?
Well, here's 63 year old Ivana Trump in her yellow bikini.
Feel better now?
There was a time, not long ago, when one of us wondered whether purple would ever come into its own as a color for interior decorating. Her son's favorite color is purple, and it was hard to find stuff for his room that didn't give it a certain Barbie Dream House vibe.
Since then, of course, purple has caught on in a big way. Although the catalogs call it aubergine. (Of course they do.)
At any rate, "Yay," thought our Mamarazzi snarker, "I can buy the teenager sheets and a lamp and maybe even a rug. And his room won't look like he collects unicorn figurines!"
And then she caught sight of this
and this
and changed her mind.
Way to go, celebs. You've actually managed to ruin a color.
Seriously. Has purple jumped the shark? (Let us know before anyone orders carpeting.)
As the days wind down towards New Year's Eve, the Mamarazzi have decided that this picture exemplifies many things we're glad to see--and many things we'd like to say good riddance to. So here are two count-downs:
Top Five things we're glad to see
5. An Olsen twin by herself--if only in this picture.
4. A former child star not on her way to rehab.
3. A pair of flared pants. Does this mean we're back in style?
2. Natural textured hair. Does this mean we can stop burning ourselves with our flat irons?
1. The same old monstrously huge sunglasses we've been seeing for a while--but in time to remind us to run out and find some before we need to disguise our New Year's Day hangover.
And now, the five things we'd like to see go away.
5. All. That. Smoking. Do celebrities make New Year's resolutions--or do they wait until they've signed into the Betty Ford clinic?
4. All black, all the time. We realize black is slimming. But what's the point when you weigh 87 pounds soaking wet? She looks like a pug going out on Halloween as Morticia Addams.
3. Celebrities who are body doubles for each other. We're tired of trying to tell the Olson twins apart.
2. All that fur. Not to go all PETA, but it looks like monkey fur. And since we're on record as thinking Mary-Kate and Ashley look like lemurs, this outfit is like a gorilla suit--one kind of ape dressing up as another.
1. Someone who looks like this being held up as a fashion icon. Let's just hope this look doesn't catch on. We shudder to think of anyone else walking around dressed like a cross between the Ascot Race scene from My Fair Lady and the "Step in Time" number from Mary Poppins.
We took one look at this photograph of Lindsay Lohan and practically jumped for joy. Floral minis, black boots--squee! The nineties are obviously back! Thank goodness we never cleaned that far back in our closet. We're sure there's a ditsy-floral dress in there somewhere. And we have a pair of boots just like that! From 1992.
Unfortunately, we also have thighs like that.
Come to think of it--this photograph was taken at the Betty Ford Clinic.
Note to selves: place floral minis and other 1990s memorabilia in daughter's closet and/or daughter's dress-up collection.
First, she quits Victoria's Secret ... then she comes up with this figure-concealing Power Ranger-style Halloween outfit.
Could it be that our Heidi has gained a couple of pounds? Because Holy Spandex, Iron Model! What a brilliant way to conceal them. Why didn't we think of it? It's like Spanx, but on top of her clothes. Genius!
OK, confession time. That was a rhetorical question. We don't really believe that Heidi's been diving into the candy bowl. We just wanted to use a Project Runway catch phrase.
Auf Wiedersehen! And Happy Halloween!
When we saw the cover for The Situation's new book, we knew it would make a great Mamarazzi post. We hate to judge a book by its cover, but come on--what's not to mock? There he is, showing us his abs again. Doesn't he realize they're already seared into our brains?
But when we read an excerpt, we realized the book would also make a valuable teaching aid by teaching you how not to write. The book includes a piece of current slang in every single sentence, thus guaranteeing that no matter how funny it reads now, it will be even funnier in 10 years. Check out this excerpt about shopping, with the Urban Dictionary-style slang printed in bold:
I wear what makes me feel good because I'm at the tip of the spear--the cutting edge of fashion that's fresh to death. . . . When I enter a store, I trust my eye to zero in on what's mint. That's the single most effective system I have for knowing when to pull the trigger on a purchase. If I find myself hemming and hawing, that's a clear indication that the garment in question is not destined to make my rotation. I walk away from the rack because I've failed to make a connection to those threads. On the other hand, if I know from the moment I see it that that particular piece is going to make me look awesome, I trust my instinct completely and it comes home with The Sitch.
This book is ripe for being turned into a MadLibs party game. Anyone can play! Take the bold words or phrases and turn them into MadLibs questions, like "synonym for 'the latest style'" or "nickname in the third person."
Then try playing it with your kids on long car rides--say to the Jersey Shore. Trust The Popster--it'll be off the hook.
We really like Grover as the Old Spice guy.
But we it got us thinking about celebrities dressing up as celebrities. Halloween is coming, and although Hilary Duff and her boyfriend as Brangelina was cute:
(Photo courtesy of Crushable)
Perez Hilton as Lady Gaga is not.
(Although maybe we're just jealous of his legs.)
Mamarazzi just heard that Katy Perry, Rihanna, and Lady Gaga text each other when they're going to the same event to make sure they won't be wearing the same thing.
At first we thought--brilliant! Got to remember that one.
But then we realized, oh come on.
As if more than one person at a time
would deliberately look this stupid.
Mamarazzi says: it's not easy being covered in Kermit puppets.
Luckily, only one of you had to go there.
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