Recently in wardrobe malfunctions Category

Not that we've hated being at home all these years--we've loved it, we've been there for all the important milestones, it's such a privilege, etc. etc.

But we just got wind of a job opening. And it sounds like we'd be perfect. And it pays $55,000/year, which sure beats what we're getting as blogging SAHMs.

And it's being J-Lo's assistant! Squee!1!!!!

Photo courtesy of Deceiver.com

And the job would be a piece of cake. Our source included the following job requirements:

The job is 6 days a week, at least 12 hour days with one day off, but you may not get off for weeks. You'll be on call 24/7 and you've got to be organized and always on point.

Hello? This pretty much describes our lives.

You have to change diapers, work on little sleep and cook if the butler is away.

Check, check, and butler? There would be a butler?

You have to know when J. Lo has her snack time. She won't say she's hungry, you're just expected to have food waiting.

Pfft! Please. Anyone who's taken care of a toddler knows you always have food handy. You haven't passed Motherhood 101 until you're can decant Cheerios into baggies at lightning speed, not to mention cope with that whole waiting-for-dinner-to-show-up restaurant situation. We're confident that once J-Lo has eaten the contents of the bread basket, we could divert her with our big shiny soup spoon. Also, we always pack some crayons and paper. We're PROFESSIONALS, people.

Oh, and a perk? Would be helping J-Lo get ready for the Oscars. Now, Ms. Lopez might have a reputation for being a diva, but anyone who has lived through a daughter's first period while battling her own hot flashes can handle J-Lo's moods.

No, we think the most challenging part of the job will be having to be up close and personal with Mr. J-Lo's so-called "fashion sense."

If you're like us, you're probably having a heck of a time telling some of these so-called "stars" apart.

For example, at first we thought this was J-Lo. Or maybe Emma Caulfield. Then we realized that it's Molly Sims. But hey, everyone's blonde these days. Who can tell them apart?

But then even the brunettes started to confuse us.

See, there used to be one famous brunette. Her name was Kim Kardashian. She was curvy, wore way too much makeup, and dressed like a skank.

Then she got a reality TV show and we discovered that she has sisters. All pretty much identical: deeply tanned, loaded with makeup, flaunting miles of cleavage.

But then Jersey Shore made its debut.

Frankly, we're glad we don't live in Miami, because right now the sidewalks must be teeming with Kardashian klones sisters and Jersey Shore Guidettes. How can anyone be expected to tell them apart?

We don't mean to brag, but it's easier than you think.

1. Does the skank you've spotted look like something out of a fast-food clamshell? This is key. Snooki reminds us of a Chicken McNugget, whereas the Kardashian sisters look like a bucket of KFC.

2. Once you've established their essential golden brown greasy crispiness, check for hoops. If they're being used to hold a bathing suit together, it's a Kardashian.

If they're so big, you could use them in the powder room to hold guest towels, you're looking at a Guidette.

Photo courtesy of DListed

So apparently, over at GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow's unintentionally hilarious blog, she's explaining that an emergency five-day crash diet of kale purée and blueberries got her camera-ready for Iron Man II.

First of all: poor Gwynnie. A five-day diet? We weep for you.

Second, the results of this five-day diet can be seen in Iron Man II, where Gwyneth spends most of her screen time sitting, either at a desk or in a limo, quarreling with Robert Downey, Jr. Occasionally she gets up and teeters around in a pair of insanely high heels. OK, her dresses are kind of short, so maybe the blueberries and kale were worth it.

But really, Gwyneth--everyone was really looking at Scarlett Johannson. Including the people at Entertainment Weekly, who managed to keep you off the cover.

So you might as well break down and have something to eat.

P.S. Gwynnie? "Formal shorts" is an oxymoron. We never want to see you wearing them again.

We've always wondered why Shauna Sand wears lucite platforms everywhere she goes.

Well, that's an exaggeration. We realize she does it because she has delusions of sexiness.

All that bikini bottom needs is two strips of bacon and some maple syrup.

But to the beach? On the sand? How hot can that sand be? (For that matter, how hot can that Sand be? Hee! A pun! You're welcome.)

Anyway, we figured it out. Shauna is being practical. Look what the beach has done to her Vuitton bag. Here it is on the website:

and here's Shauna's:

She is obviously very hard on her clothes. We didn't realize it before because she wears so few, but it must be true. As the detectives always say, "it's the only explanation that makes sense."

She wears the stripper shoes because she's hard on her shoes, and plastic shoes are practical. You can take them to the beach, out in the mud, even cover them with lube--they hose right down and are good as new!

But honestly. To the beach?

Somebody needs to tell her about Crocs.
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Photos courtesy of MK at DListed, except for the shot of the Vuitton bag, which was from Portero

We just heard that Madonna is going to be designing producing putting her name on a line of junior clothing and accessories.

Now, some of us have teenage daughters with pretty definite ideas of what is and is not in style. (Like, say, velour tracksuits.) These teens will be glad to hear that Lourdes is going to help design the line.

Oh, and the line is going ibe called Material Girl. We don't know whether we think this is such a hot idea. On the one hand, "Material Girl" makes us think of rubber bracelets, leggings, and dark roots--all already available at stores near you.

On the other hand, it's better than "Sunset Boulevard" or "Death Becomes Her," or "I'm still young and hot, dammit!" all of which come to mind.

We'll have plenty to say about the red carpet at the Oscars, but right now, we're watching them. So we'd like to share our thoughts about Saturday night's Independent Spirit Awards.

What does it mean when hot, young, and perky women cover up their cleavage

whereas the more middle-aged either spectacularly fail the pencil test,

Mr. Darcy with a couple of beagle ears

let their breasts wander all over the place,

Maggie Gyllenhaal in Lanvin

dress like someone going out on Halloween as an exploding tube of toothpaste.

Mariah Carey in Spanx

Does this signal the end for bare-it-all fashions, and the floppy-breasted are simply the last to hear the news? We believe so. It seems to boil down to Young Hollywood telling Older Hollywood to put some goddamned clothes on.

With that in mind, Mamarazzi proudly presents our first caption contest. The best caption for the following photograph will win a $25 Starbucks gift card.

You have until midnight Monday night, so think of something devastatingly funny and leave it in a comment.
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All photos from MTV.com, except for the last one, which is from dear Dlisted.

If it weren't for the clothes, some of us wouldn't even bother to watch the Grammys. But where else are you going to see:

That the right dress and eye makeup can add at least 10 years;

That if you're running late, you can just skip the dress;

That Debbie Harry and Tinkerbell have a love child. Who was conceived in a Hula Hoop factory.

But the most important award show fashion news wasn't at the Grammys. It was at the Director's Choice awards.

Where we discovered that Billy Goat Brad had trimmed his beard.

We're getting down to the wire, but Mamarazzi has charted the stars (and their offspring) and assembled a list of costume ideas to help make Halloween 2009 a fright to remember!

Octomom: Patron Saint of the Perpetually Pregnant.

Dita Von Teese rocks the Solar System look. (Frugalistas take note: could also double as a science project!)

Lourdes goes old-school and dresses like Mom back in the like-a-virgin days.

Victoria Beckham in "Project Runway designer when the Xanax runs out" garb.

Noah Cyrus & Friend recreate that brief and wonderous time when Paris and Britney were BFFs.

And if you're really crunched for time this Halloween, Amy Winehouse illustrates how easily anyone can pull off the famous Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction.

Dear Billy Ray:

Are you mental, or do you just think we're forgetful?

Let us help you out here; we're not forgetful. We remember your dumb-ass Achy Breaky Heart song and the mullet that went with it.

Photo courtesy of ScrapeTV.com

We remember the the nude picture of Miley that showed up in Vanity Fair. And the provocative father/daughter shots of you and Miley.

Photo courtesy of Gothamist.com

Not to mention Miley's MySpace self-portraits.

Complete with duck lips.

Photo courtesy of ThisisBandit.com

We even remember hearing about you telling Miley to get back on twitter. (Tell us why again? Because she wasn't getting enough publicity?)

But now? Now your nine-year old daughter goes to a Halloween party dressed as ... what is this, anyway? A Hoochie Witch?

Whatever it is, it's bad. So guess what? You just won the Mamarazzi "Bad Dad o' the week" award.

(But don't get excited. It's only Monday. Some other idiot might screw up before Friday.)

Now please get lost. And take your soul patch with you.

The Mamarazzi