Recently in wardrobe malfunctions Category

We'll have plenty to say about the red carpet at the Oscars, but right now, we're watching them. So we'd like to share our thoughts about Saturday night's Independent Spirit Awards.

What does it mean when hot, young, and perky women cover up their cleavage

Lenny and Zoe Kravitz
Mia Wasikowski
Melonie Diaz
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Emmy Rossum Independent Spirit Awards

whereas the more middle-aged either spectacularly fail the pencil test,

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Mr. Darcy with a couple of beagle ears

let their breasts wander all over the place,

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Maggie Gyllenhaal in Lanvin

dress like someone going out on Halloween as an exploding tube of toothpaste.

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Mariah Carey in Spanx

Does this signal the end for bare-it-all fashions, and the floppy-breasted are simply the last to hear the news? We believe so. It seems to boil down to Young Hollywood telling Older Hollywood to put some goddamned clothes on.

With that in mind, Mamarazzi proudly presents our first caption contest. The best caption for the following photograph will win a $25 Starbucks gift card.

Maggie-Gyllenhall-and-her-missing-nipple

You have until midnight Monday night, so think of something devastatingly funny and leave it in a comment.
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All photos from MTV.com, except for the last one, which is from dear Dlisted.

If it weren't for the clothes, some of us wouldn't even bother to watch the Grammys. But where else are you going to see:

That the right dress and eye makeup can add at least 10 years;

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That if you're running late, you can just skip the dress;

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That Debbie Harry and Tinkerbell have a love child. Who was conceived in a Hula Hoop factory.

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But the most important award show fashion news wasn't at the Grammys. It was at the Director's Choice awards.

Where we discovered that Billy Goat Brad had trimmed his beard.

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We're getting down to the wire, but Mamarazzi has charted the stars (and their offspring) and assembled a list of costume ideas to help make Halloween 2009 a fright to remember!

Octomom: Patron Saint of the Perpetually Pregnant.

Dita Von Teese rocks the Solar System look. (Frugalistas take note: could also double as a science project!)

Lourdes goes old-school and dresses like Mom back in the like-a-virgin days.

Victoria Beckham in "Project Runway designer when the Xanax runs out" garb.

Noah Cyrus & Friend recreate that brief and wonderous time when Paris and Britney were BFFs.

And if you're really crunched for time this Halloween, Amy Winehouse illustrates how easily anyone can pull off the famous Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction.

Dear Billy Ray:

Are you mental, or do you just think we're forgetful?

Let us help you out here; we're not forgetful. We remember your dumb-ass Achy Breaky Heart song and the mullet that went with it.

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Photo courtesy of ScrapeTV.com

We remember the the nude picture of Miley that showed up in Vanity Fair. And the provocative father/daughter shots of you and Miley.

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Photo courtesy of Gothamist.com

Not to mention Miley's MySpace self-portraits.

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Complete with duck lips.

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Photo courtesy of ThisisBandit.com

We even remember hearing about you telling Miley to get back on twitter. (Tell us why again? Because she wasn't getting enough publicity?)

But now? Now your nine-year old daughter goes to a Halloween party dressed as ... what is this, anyway? A Hoochie Witch?

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Whatever it is, it's bad. So guess what? You just won the Mamarazzi "Bad Dad o' the week" award.

(But don't get excited. It's only Monday. Some other idiot might screw up before Friday.)

Now please get lost. And take your soul patch with you.

The Mamarazzi

p.s. As skinny as Noah is, you somehow managed to find her a hootchy witch outfit that was too tight. Way to go, mullet head!

Gwyneth

Yes, this is the Gwyneth we remember. Young, free, flat, and unfettered by underwear.

And we thought she'd never change. Whether it was the classic chicken cutlet Oscar dress fiasco of 2002

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Or the new-and-improved pregnancy version

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Gwyneth

it felt like things would never change.

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So no one was more surprised than us when we saw the latest paparazzi picture of her.

Isn't it amazing to see how our Gwyneth has grown and developed over the years?

Gwyneth
Image courtesy of The Sun

She just needs to learn that the bra goes under the clothes.

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Katie Holmes is now officially Xenu's fashion muse.

xenu-approved ideal-org uniforms
The current Mrs. Tom Cruise has designed the new uniforms for staff members of "Ideal Org", the term for those Scientology churches functioning most closely in accordance with directives laid out by cult founder L Ron Hubbard. You know, Orthodox Scientologists. Like the ones at the Scientology Celebrity Center in Hollywood.

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Oooo, look! Saucy accessories!

According to Scientology.com, "In its entirety, the uniform embodies the essence of international style, at home in Rome or London, but not out of place in Nashville or Inglewood, and equally well suited to South Africa and Australia." You know, all over Teegeeack.

We believe that Katie, like at least one Operating Thetan, time traveled to the early 1960's, and gained invaluable fashion inspiration. Here are some photos of Katie during that pivotal journey back in time.

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Here, behold the inspiration behind Katie's creations in their proper setting. We believe the photo above shows Katie, sporting hair as golden as the Scientology logo, graciously serving L. Ron Hubbard himself.

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Here, Katie joyfully serves the young Tom Cruise.

We have some suggestions for Katie's next Xenu couture line. We like the idea of the retro-future look.

retro future flight attendants stewardesses
We think the giant alien head look suits Scientologists well. Also, we think the helmet would effectively neutralize any evil transmissions emitting from Marcab.

retro future airplane woman
We think this little number sums up the Scientologists' mindset beautifully. In fact, we think our couture suggestions score a perfect 150 on the E-meter.

Rogue, the Shiba Inu
Yes, typically we limit our bitching to human parents, but today we're going cross species. See, we saw one of our favorite famous parents on TV the other day: Rogue, the biological father of last fall's internet sensation, the Live Puppy Cam Shiba Inu Puppies!
shiba inu live puppy cam

Rogue competed in the ultra-prestigious Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. We couldn't help but admire his extraordinarily groomed strawberry blonde fur. In fact, we covet it.
rogue, the shiba inu dad

So, it seems, does his human mom, who appears to be wearing a stylish wig made of Rogue's trimmings.
rogue and human mom owner

Sorry, but we couldn't help but unleash our inner bitches.


At least you've never signed your children up for this:

Mamarazzi wonders just how loud the outcry would be if this was a video of little girls on a pole?

minka kelly at golden globes 2009

These days, to be an Anybody in Hollywood, you've got to have a new baby.

Poor Minka Kelly doesn't have one and maybe, just maybe that's hurting her career.

Looks to us that she's SO desperate to look like a new mom, she dressed like one at the Golden Globe Awards.

Seriously, look at her bodice. Look at its design.

Are we seeing things or has Minka adopted the Nursing Mom Leakage look?

Comments?

Remember "The Monster Mash?"

Monster Mash album cover

Of course you do.

Well, the original artist, Bobby "Boris" Pickett will live forever, won't he? You listened to his song, your parents probably listened to his song, and now your kids listen to his song. That's better than fifteen minutes of fame.

Bobby Pickett performing "Monster Mash"

But apparently, for Pickett's daughter, that's not enough. So she had his ashes made into a diamond ring.

Los Angeles, CA October 31st, 2008 – Bobby Pickett who co-wrote and performed "The Monster Mash", died at the age of 69 on April 25, 2007 in Los Angeles, California, due to complications from leukemia. His daughter Nancy Huus was at his side when he died.

After his death, Nancy had a .44 ct colorless LifeGem diamond created from his cremated remains. She wears it in a white gold solitaire ring. Pickett was diagnosed with leukemia 5 years ago, and he and his daughter Nancy talked openly about death. “I saw a show about turning cremated remains into diamonds,” said Nancy, “I immediately called my father and told him that I wanted to make a diamond from his cremated remains; he loved the idea.”

On Halloween Pickett used to say “They dig me up every year.” This year for Halloween his daughter is wearing him as a LifeGem Diamond Ring. “Bobby was a minimalist, not elaborate,” said Huus. Her simple solitaire ring reflects that personality.

Bless her heart, isn't that just as sweet as a bowl of Halloween candy?

Pardon us while we retch. Not about making someone's ashes into a diamond ... after all, people bronze baby shoes and dry wedding bouquets--why not recycle pop's ashes?

No, it's the idea of doing it, and then allowing yourself to be quoted in marketing materials.

That's just gruesome.

(Do you agree? Disagree? Want to have us cremated and made into a tiara? Come over here and comment.)

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