Recently in Unspeakable Characters Category

When we saw the cover for The Situation's new book, we knew it would make a great Mamarazzi post. We hate to judge a book by its cover, but come on--what's not to mock? There he is, showing us his abs again. Doesn't he realize they're already seared into our brains?

But when we read an excerpt, we realized the book would also make a valuable teaching aid by teaching you how not to write. The book includes a piece of current slang in every single sentence, thus guaranteeing that no matter how funny it reads now, it will be even funnier in 10 years. Check out this excerpt about shopping, with the Urban Dictionary-style slang printed in bold:

I wear what makes me feel good because I'm at the tip of the spear--the cutting edge of fashion that's fresh to death. . . . When I enter a store, I trust my eye to zero in on what's mint. That's the single most effective system I have for knowing when to pull the trigger on a purchase. If I find myself hemming and hawing, that's a clear indication that the garment in question is not destined to make my rotation. I walk away from the rack because I've failed to make a connection to those threads. On the other hand, if I know from the moment I see it that that particular piece is going to make me look awesome, I trust my instinct completely and it comes home with The Sitch.

This book is ripe for being turned into a MadLibs party game. Anyone can play! Take the bold words or phrases and turn them into MadLibs questions, like "synonym for 'the latest style'" or "nickname in the third person."

Then try playing it with your kids on long car rides--say to the Jersey Shore. Trust The Popster--it'll be off the hook.

Here's the thing-if you sleep with a married man,

and get pregnant and bear a child that appears to be his clone,

and years later agree to a photoshoot and interview in a major league magazine

you don't get to act all offended and say the magazine picked photos "that only hit one note."
It's time to own it, sistah-friend.

Lately we've been obsessed with cat fights. And we smell one brewing between Nadya Suleman and Kate Gosselin.

Kate Gosselin gets smacked by Nadya Suleman (artist's rendition)

Why? Well, Nadya recently signed a contract for a reality show, and naturally, Kate feels threatened. What if the American public loses interest in her? After all, Nadya's in vitro procedures resulted in more babies. What are a measly set of twins when compared to sextuplets? Or sextuplets compared to octuplets?

On top of that, Nadya's plastic surgeries are way more dramatic. Kate has to go to the beach to show the world the results of her tummy tuck

Here Kate sets off her tummy tuck with a Mystic Tan and a pear-shaped nanny

whereas Nadya gets mistaken for Angelina Jolie every time she leaves the house.

Brad must be off having another secret meeting with Jennifer Anniston

Kate will stay competitive by having amazingly cute kids and a thoroughly emasculated husband

Now, that's what we call compelling television!

What's Nadya, a single mother, going to do to compete? Apparently, say things that make us cringe:

"I screwed myself. I screwed up my life, I screwed up my kids' lives," she says. "I have to put on this strong facade and I have to pretend like I don't regret it."

Hmmmm ... decisions, decisions. Which is better, Kate kicking Jon in the balls over and over again, or Nadya calling her kids mistakes?

They're obviously in this for the money. Is there any way we can pay to keep them off television? Or failing that, duct tape their mouths shut?

Dear Nickelodon,

One of the first rules we taught our children was "Kind hands." We sort of think that if one of your Kid's Choice nominees can't adhere to this simple rule, it might be a good idea to strike his name from the ballot.

You know, just to serve as a good example and keep you from being known as the Hugh Hefner of children's programming.

Sincerely,

The Mamarazzi

Have we introduced you to the subtle and lovely Shauna Sand? Former Playboy Playmate (like you didn't see that one coming!), ex Mrs. Lorenzo Lamas, and mother of 3, Ms. Sands sort of overwhelms us here at Mamarazzi... we feel so foolish for not realizing that an acrylic platform heel is really a shoe that goes with everything.

they work when you are involved in a nasty accident resulting in the tearing away of the middle of your dress...

they work when you can't find anything clean and are forced to wear lingerie in place of an actual blouse...



and they work when you are strutting your cougar ass self in a pleather bustier!

This Mamarazzi Message Of Fashion has been brought to you by the letters H.O.

After being passed over as spokesperson for blood oranges, killer dad OJ Simpson attempts to sell his white Bronco with the line, "It was good for me-it helped me get away!" on an upcoming pay-per-view-show I won't give him the satisfaction of naming.