Recently in Tori Spelling Category

Tori, Tori, Tori. Life dealt you a mixed hand: Your dad Aaron Spelling produced a gazillion extremely successful TV shows based not on their actors' talent but on their Hollywood gorgeousness. Your mom Candy was, and remains, a sickening sugary little wild one with the brain of a shih tzu. We don't mean to be cruel, but Candy freely admits that she kept adding rooms to her legendary 56.500 sq. ft., 123 room L.A. house because the architects' floor plans looked so small.

So, given that you grew up in an environment where beauty trumped brains every time, we absolutely understand your confused and conflicted ideals and body issues, as painfully illustrated on yesterday's Today show.

Tori, sweetie, we don't want to force your hand, but we suggest that you look to the show Hot in Cleveland. Its premise? Three L.A. showbiz women move to Cleveland when they discover that, while ho-hum by L.A. standards, they're considered on fire by men in the rust belt. Yes, in less bizarrely demanding locales, it is possible to be kind to yourself and be seen as genuinely attractive! You might even learn to semi-like yourself.

Truth be told, we have a real life friend whose husband's career moved her and the kids from Beverly Hills to Ohio. She discovered two things; women in middle America are expected to wear their bras under their clothing and that her teenagers actually preferred life in Ohio to 90210. Tori, play your cards right: You could benefit from the same reality check to realize that life with OK looks and less fabulousness may be the best thing for you, your kids and all those people who look up to you as a role model. We don't know who those alleged people are, but we'll play along.

Besides, Tori, your moving to one of the most ignored and fattest US states would be an ace premise for your next reality show, Life In a Defunct FacTORI Town.

You know, some celebrity endorsements make a lot of sense. Like Farrah Fawcett for shampoo.

Or Elizabeth Taylor for junk food:

(If only someone had told her to back away from the chocolates.)

Nicole Kidman for Botox

and Bob Dole for Viagra.

Other endorsements make us go "hmmm," like OJ Simpson for Hertz

(Does Hertz even rent Broncos?)

or "wtf?" like Donald Trump for his pointer finger The World's Greatest Combover.

OK, FINE. It's the world's greatest steak. We suppose.

Well, Tori and Dean have started promoting toilet paper. Apparently it has to do with how you like your toilet paper to go into the holder. Apparently she likes the paper on top, and he's more of a bottom. We can see it now: "Cottonelle. Because that's how we roll."

Anyway, here they are endorsing Cottonelle,

unless it's puppies. Or wearing more makeup than a trannie going out on Halloween as Joan Crawford: The Later Years.

We wonder how much they're getting paid to make us associate them with assholes. We suspect the answer is "not enough."

Tori Spelling and that douchebag she married Dean McDermott celebrated daughter Stella's first birthday this weekend.

Photo courtesy of People.com.

The Mamas feel so badly for Stella, as it appears that no thought or effort was put into her first birthday party.

There were only 100 people at Stella's party, including Melissa Joan Hart, Scott Baio, Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin, and Larry Birkhead.

The only activities were pony rides, cookie decorating, ladybug sprinklers, a ladybug insect zoo, face painting, and a gardening project.

The only musical group to perform was Stella's favorites, the Jumpitz (seen in photo above).

The guests took home goodie bags worth only $2,500. Contents included gift certificates to Billion Dollar Babes and Mabel's Labels, Philips Avent insulated cups, Ming Ming dolls, and T-shirts from Market.

*sigh*

The Mamas feel so sorry for Stella. Clearly, she leads a life of severe deprivation. Just like her mother did.

Petunia Pig look-alike Candy Spelling and Frankendaughter Tori don't get along. At all. And they keep thrashing it out in public, via books, interviews, and Candy's blog.

Candy just fired off a new salvo by claiming, in a recent radio interview, that Tori caused Aaron Spelling's death.

The fact that Aaron was 83 years old at the time of his death had apparently nothing to do with it. Nor did his oral cancer (please note the pipe in the above photograph) or the stroke that actually killed him.

Now, obviously Tori isn't implicated in her father's death.

Although we can't say the same thing about her roots. (OK, maybe they didn't kill him. But they're killing us.)

There's only one way to settle this.

With a good old-fashioned Dynasty-style cat fight:

As you may or may not have heard, Tori Spelling has released another book -- this one titled Mommywood.

Photo courtesy of Barnes & Noble.

Tori's latest literary offering debuted on the New York Times bestseller's list at #4.

Mommywood contains, among other intellectual anecdotes, a story of how Tori couldn't de-thatch herself during her pregnancy and how that lying cheating sack of shit douchebag her husband had to help her out.

This is what people what to read? This is what is near the top of the NYT bestsellers list?

The Mamas weep for the future of this country.

Perpetuity -noun, plural -ties.
1. the state or character of being perpetual (often prec. by in): to desire happiness in perpetuity.
2. endless or indefinitely long duration or existence; eternity.
3. something that is perpetual.
4. an annuity paid for life.
5. Law. an interest under which property is less than completely alienable for longer than the law allows.

How wonderful to have a photograph of the moment little Stella realized if she someday penned a book ripping on her mother, all this could be hers!

Occasionally Mamarazzi comes across a photo so wonderful, so perfect, so full of that certain something that we lose our ability to form sentances.

And so we turn to you, our clever readers, and ask that you title this post.

Click here to leave us your best caption/title... winner gets our adulation forever.

To promote the upcoming season of, Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, the dynamic couple have recorded a music video... paying tribute to some of the famous duos of years gone by...

Have a listen...

To whom do you think these newly pedicured tootsies belong?

We'll give you a hint... it's a new parent...

Jessica?

Jamie-Lynn?

No!

It's Dean McDermott.

We now leave you to your laughter.

As well as HER BRA.