Recently in Tiger Woods Category

OK, this is when we realized that we're whores. Because nobody wants a cheating bastard for a husband. Correction: nobody wants a flagrantly sex-addicted cocktail-waitress-chasing cheating bastard for a husband.

But Elin Woods was just awarded $100 million.

Let's put this into perspective. Yes, her husband is worth $500 million, and yes, she was publicly humiliated. But when Tiger met Elin, she was a nanny. And now, after less than six years of marriage, she's leaving with $100 million.

If she does nothing but stick the whole amount in a crappy 5 year CD, she'll have an income of $2 million a year--and that's without touching the principal.

Well played, Elin! And pay up, Tiger. Those cheap cocktail waitresses seem pretty expensive now, don't they?

He messed up his golf game, but speaking more generally? We'd say he nailed it.

Tiger and Loredana Jolie courtesy of The Newsjunkie
Remember last year at this time, when all everyone ever talked about was Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme? Well, we're still talking about Ponzi schemes, except instead of Wall Street investments, it's a Ponzi scheme of news.

See, we've just heard that Tiger Woods' Official Mistress No. 19, Loredana Jolie, is trying to sell the story of their relationship to the media. For $1 million, she'll tell us everything she saw Tiger do, including the part where he supposedly had sex with men.

She's got to be crazy. At this point, Tiger Woods has had sex with everyone on the planet. Male, female, Cylon, Replicant--anything with an orifice.

Doesn't this skank realize that when everyone has had sex with Tiger Woods, the going rate for a tell-all story goes down? It's a simple question of supply and demand.

And how good a story can she tell? Let's face it; if your only appearance in print was as a Playboy pictorial, chances are you're not much of a raconteur.

And with those nails, she probably can't even type.

If we have to hear about this (and apparently we do) why can't we get the story from an actual reputable journalist?

Like Anderson Cooper.

Taking the crown from Jon Gosselin as King of the Douchebags, Tiger Woods's World Tour of Shame continues to grow ... what should we discuss first? His failure to use condoms with at least two of his conquests? His shame about his small calves? His freaky dreams about David Boreanaz (to be fair, Mamarazzi has them too) and Derek Jeter?

It's a pinata of WTF?

Twenty-four-year-old cocktail waitress and former Tool Academy cast member Jaimee Grubbs said that Woods not only did not use a condom, he also never asked whether she was on any form of birth control. The same goes for 33-year-old Perkins manager, Mindy Lawton (you know, the one he f*cked all over his family home.)

This is the part of the story that makes us hate Tiger Woods. Any person who would risk contracting life-changing or life-threatening diseases for a few minutes of rah rah time, and then go home and expose his wife to those same risks is someone we would like to HIT WITH A GOLF CLUB. Only harder.

La Grubbs also brings us the tragic and teary story of Tiger's Calves of Shame. Seems he gave her a "death stare" when she "playfully sassed" him about them. Poor Tiger. Mamarazzi weeps. We know what will make you feel better! Unprotected sex with random cocktail waitresses!

But here's a story to help you lose your appetite; Rachel Uchitel, the mistress who has somehow managed a seven figure silence payday in the wake of all this chaos, has a "friend" who was only too happy to spill the beans about Tiger's lurid and vivid emails. The most scandalous would be the following:

I had a dream we were married and I was leading the tournament," Woods reportedly wrote. "I came home, excited to see you, and there you were in the bedroom getting f--ked by Derek and David [Boreanaz]. Some part of me thinks you would like that.

The married athlete then explains how wired he is from his x-rated vision of Uchitel with TV and baseball hunks. (US magazine)

Look Elin, you are a gorgeous young woman and although we've all been reading that you have to stay with this yahoo of a golfer for two more years in order to collect the big fat payday (which we feel you deserve), perhaps you can "stay married" from separate states.

Now that a seemingly endless stream of nightclub hostesses and cocktail waitresses has come forward with their stories, Tiger Woods has finally sort of admitted that he was, in fact, getting some on the side.

Rachel "Troutpout" Uchitel courtesy of NY Daily News

Tiger's-eye view of Jaimee Grubbs courtesy of Radar On Line

In doing this, he has followed the traditional route of all cheating bastards, which is to:

1. lie
2. admit as little of the truth as possible
3. ask for privacy

What interests us is the issue of his privacy.

Tiger Woods was a golf prodigy, who took part in a televised putting competition with Bob Hope when he was two years old. When he was five, he appeared in Golf Digest. When he was 20, he went pro and immediately scored $60 million in endorsements.

After that he played a lot of golf, got even more famous, and became the highest paid athlete in the world. Forbes magazine estimates that Tiger has earned a billion dollars. For what--toiling in a solitary garret perfecting his art? No, for playing golf on television.

Tiger, we're sorry to disappoint you, but Nike is paying you buckets of money because you're a public figure.

And if a public figure goes on a multiple-nightclub-hostess banging spree, well, the public is going to have its little laugh.

Last Friday we were twittering some snark about Tiger Woods's car accident. (We're not heartless; we'd already heard he was OK.) You know, the one where his wife, Elin Nordegren, bravely rescued him from his wrecked Escalade by breaking the car window with one of Tiger's clubs.

But this morning, our dream of an adoring wife and grateful husband was shattered by news update involving a cheated-on wife and mother of two 1. scratching her husband's face, 2. chasing him down the driveway, and 3. whacking him with his own golf clubs.

Seems that Tiger has been romantically linked with Rachel Uchitel.

Despite having been linked romantically with "a famous baseball player, a Broadway star, a musician, and various film and television actors," Rachel claims, "I will never kiss and tell."

Whatever, Rachel. That remark strikes us as both pitiful and braggypants. As far as we're concerned, your new last name is Kissandtell. And that's not the worst name we thought up.

But back to Tiger. He's still not talking.

We hope that means he's shopping for a golf-ball-sized diamond.

Because Ellin appears to have a pretty good swing.

Photo: Getty