Recently in Scientologists Category

So she was thin (Cheers) then medium (Veronica's Closet) then fat (Fat Actress) then thin again (Jenny Craig) then medium (Star Magazine) and finally once again fat (Kirstie Alley's Big Life)... and now THIN AGAIN (Scientology) and taking photos with "Male Italian Friends"

lather, rinse, repeat.

Quite honestly Mamarazzi doesn't give a shit. We've spent most of our adult lives gaining and losing the exact same 20 or so pounds and if we knew that we could have made a living at it, we'd have called Jenny sooner.

The evidence mounts: Tom Cruise bases his life on classic movies.

His life has mirrored 1941's Citizen Kane. Kane came to unlikely wealth in his youth when a massive gold deposit was discovered under his impoverished mom's land.

Cruise came to unlikely wealth in the pseudo-John Hughes flick Risky Business by dancing in his tightie whities.

Kane surprised everyone by marrying a dignified, exquisite woman who was, quite frankly, out of his league.

Cruise surprisingly married the stiff but regal and classically gorgeous Nicole Kidman.

In both cases, it did not end well.

Then Kane married a sweet, innocent young thing.

Taaa-daaa! Ditto Tom, with Katie Holmes.

Both Kane and Cruise molded their adorable girlish wives into something they weren't: Posh. Ha ha, pun intended!

Kane encouraged, nay, forced his sweet young thing to star in the classiest of stage performances, an opera. Kane's wife was ill-equipped for the job and suffered very bad reviews, indeed.

Tom just may have landed a serious, heavy Broadway role for little Katie in All My Sons. Katie dutifully slogged through a role and venue way too big for her.

Thanks to their husbands' pushy ways, both Kane's wife and Katie very quickly grew old and miserable.

Tom reportedly desperately wants Katie to have a second child. We've read that Katie is going through a rigorous and painful Scientology "cleansing" program as well as all sorts of um, unusual testing and instruction to become worthy of bearing another child. Some go so far as to speculate that Katie will be impregnated with Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard's old frozen sperm. And damn, we are so willing to believe it.

Getting healthy before getting pregnant is optimal, but going through "cleansing", "education", questioning and who knows what else is weird and demanding, right?

Tom, Katie's already produced a beautiful child for you and goodness knows, we've been treated to photos of Suri practically daily since her babyhood. Clearly, the child is well taken care of, right? What's with all the pre-conception demands that, we repeat, we are so willing to believe?

Tom, take our advice, please. Citizen Kane died miserable and alone. His last utterance was a whispered, "Rosebud". At the end of a life pushing people around, he longed for something pure and simple, a peacefulness that he'd rejected in the name of ego. We won't spoil Citizen Kane's ending, but we will say that, at the end of his life, Kane had majah regrets.

Tom, we think you need to find your own Rosebud. We think maybe you could also take a chill pill.

It's OK if you wash it down with your beloved barley milk. One step at a time, Tom. One step at a time.

Photos, in order: RKO Pictures (all Citizen Kane),Warner Bros.(Risky Business), Time magazine, The WB (Katie Holmes), Big Pictures (Katie & Posh), AP Photo/Boneau/Bryan-Brown, Joan Marcus (All My Sons), WENN (Katie tired).

Katie, don't deny it: you miss your old friends (those deeply flawed Raw Meat Thetans) who don't accept Xenu.

You know, because proper Scientologists must dump their non-believer friends and replace them with the likes of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith, both of whom could eat you for lunch, girlfriend.

Mamarazzi worries about you, darlin', and want to help, because we're nice like that. So we recommend that you take advantage of some wonderful offers from Bridge Publications, Scientology's publisher, sure to properly educate your unenlightened friends.

We called Bridge Publications last night, no lie, and learned of their, we are not making this up, CHRISTMAS SPECIALS on Scientology book and DVD collections.

Wait. Xenu and Jesus? Whaaaaa? Clearly, we need to buy The Ultimate Collection because we have so much to learn.

Anyhoo, for a bargain price, almost 40% off the price of buying each publication separately, you can buy L. Ron Hubbard's The Ultimate Collection for the low, low Christmas special price of just $5,000! Yes, separately, these materials would cost you $7,800. Such a deal!

Katie, we believe that you could make a fine impression on your old pals by giving them this most generous gift.

Because nothing says Christmas like converting your friends to non-Christianity.

We won't snark Lisa Marie Presley's look because she's 40 and pregnant - with twins, it's rumored.

But her prom date husband's costume outfit? From the sequined hat to the powder blue suede shoes (so clever), he's the poster child for What Not To Be Caught Dead In.

Or with.

Then again, maybe we should be respectful. Lisa Marie and prom date hubby, Michael Lockwood, are practicing Scientologists.

Maybe Xenu made him wear it.

Photo: Wenn

It's been reported that the voice of Bart Simpson, Nancy Cartwright, donated $10 MILLION, yes, TEN MILLION SMACKEREENOS, last year to The Church of Scientology. Ay caramba!

We're told the money was earmarked for “Global Salvage”, the Church’s efforts to “rid mankind of psychology ills and other aberrant behavior”. What, she wants to rid the world of the very essence of Bart Simpson?

Never mind what we Mamas of Razzi have to say about this whole Scientology thing. Never mind the ten million things her two kids have to say about Scientologists eating their mom's brain.

What do The Simpsons have to say?

Bart: I know you're a Merchant of Chaos* but what am I?

Lisa: MEST?** Meh.

Homer: Bart, Xenu*** is make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

Marge: Oh, Scientology can't be so bad. I mean, it's got to be OK if that cute Tom Cruise says so, right? Oh yes, and that darling little drone, um, wife of his, too.

Maggie: Suck suck.

* Merchant of Chaos -A synonym for an anti-Scientologist or Suppressive Person. A bad person; a person who speaks ill of Scientology, and should therefore be punished.

** MEST - Matter, Energy, Space, and Time; the parts of the physical universe.

*** Xenu - The evil galactic ruler who packaged up all humans, put them in Hawaii, and blew them up with H bombs 75,000,000 years ago.