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If you're like us, you're probably having a heck of a time telling some of these so-called "stars" apart.

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For example, at first we thought this was J-Lo. Or maybe Emma Caulfield. Then we realized that it's Molly Sims. But hey, everyone's blonde these days. Who can tell them apart?

But then even the brunettes started to confuse us.

See, there used to be one famous brunette. Her name was Kim Kardashian. She was curvy, wore way too much makeup, and dressed like a skank.

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Then she got a reality TV show and we discovered that she has sisters. All pretty much identical: deeply tanned, loaded with makeup, flaunting miles of cleavage.

But then Jersey Shore made its debut.

The Jersey Shore

Frankly, we're glad we don't live in Miami, because right now the sidewalks must be teeming with Kardashian klones sisters and Jersey Shore Guidettes. How can anyone be expected to tell them apart?

We don't mean to brag, but it's easier than you think.

1. Does the skank you've spotted look like something out of a fast-food clamshell? This is key. Snooki reminds us of a Chicken McNugget, whereas the Kardashian sisters look like a bucket of KFC.

Les Trois Kardashian Skanques

2. Once you've established their essential golden brown greasy crispiness, check for hoops. If they're being used to hold a bathing suit together, it's a Kardashian.

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If they're so big, you could use them in the powder room to hold guest towels, you're looking at a Guidette.

Snooki

Shauna-Sand-beach-day-lucite-love

We've always wondered why Shauna Sand wears lucite platforms everywhere she goes.

Well, that's an exaggeration. We realize she does it because she has delusions of sexiness.

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All that bikini bottom needs is two strips of bacon and some maple syrup.

But to the beach? On the sand? How hot can that sand be? (For that matter, how hot can that Sand be? Hee! A pun! You're welcome.)

Anyway, we figured it out. Shauna is being practical. Look what the beach has done to her Vuitton bag. Here it is on the website:
louis-vuitton-centenaire-leopard-ponyhair-by-alaia-alma-bag

and here's Shauna's:

Shauna-Sands-beat-up-Louis-Vuitton-purse

She is obviously very hard on her clothes. We didn't realize it before because she wears so few, but it must be true. As the detectives always say, "it's the only explanation that makes sense."

She wears the stripper shoes because she's hard on her shoes, and plastic shoes are practical. You can take them to the beach, out in the mud, even cover them with lube--they hose right down and are good as new!

But honestly. To the beach?

Somebody needs to tell her about Crocs.
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Photos courtesy of MK at DListed, except for the shot of the Vuitton bag, which was from Portero

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Sally Field's no spring chicken. Back in the 60's she won America's heart as TV's cutest little surfer girl ever. We loved her so much we even watched her as The Flying Nun. And we forgave her for it, too.

She's a 60 year old grandma now. In an interview in September's Health Magazine she said, "I think I look like dog poop".

Sally, you look fabulous! We love your natural aging!

If you're dog poop, what are these aging celeb Botox/plastic surgery casualties?

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KISS frontman Paul Stanley looks like Spock's worrysome uncle.

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Melanie Griffith's become Queen of the Fish Lips.

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Kenny Rogers's turned into a Chinese wax figure.

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And everyone's favorite disaster, Michael Jackson, finally gave up on plastic surgery and had himself made into a statue.




photos: awfulplasticsurgery.com

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