In the most recent issue of Black Book, Julianne Moore shares:

It's not the photographers who bother Moore most--they provide a service, she says, for which there is a regrettable demand--but rather our culture's desire to prop up celebrities in order to watch them fall. "Sometimes I see other moms reading tabloids and I always tell them how dangerous they are for young people," she says. "Don't waste your time investing in the story of some pretty blonde who just got extensions and broke up with her boyfriend. Spend that time thinking about your own girlfriend who just got extensions and broke up with you. Keep it in your own life."

As much as Mamarazzi liked The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio, Mamarazzi would like you all to ponder just how you would feel if, one sunny morning, you were enjoying the latest issue of OK magazine, reading all about the Kardashians and fad diets and spray tans and alien Elvis babies, when out of nowhere, Julianne Moore taps you on the shoulder! Wowzer! But, just as you're about to lavish praise on 30 Rock, she wags her finger in your face and tells you how "dangerous" your tabloid reading is...

Just imagine.

Mamarazzi imagines you would invite Ms. Moore to have a great big shut-the-fuck-up-sicle.

And so, Mamarazzi would like to take a moment to offer Julianne and the rest of her ilk, the Angies, the Jennifers, etc... the following PSA:

Dear Celebrities of the World:
You CANNOT have it both ways. We, the peons of the public, the unwashed masses, can only be interested or not interested in you. There may be a magic 3rd choice available to you A listers, but the rest of the hoi polli must make do with out paltry "either/or" option. That is all.

This PSA brought to you by Internet gossip.

What does it mean when hot, young, and perky women cover up their cleavage

whereas the more middle-aged either spectacularly fail the pencil test,

Mr. Darcy with a couple of beagle ears

let their breasts wander all over the place,

Maggie Gyllenhaal in Lanvin

dress like someone going out on Halloween as an exploding tube of toothpaste.

Mariah Carey in Spanx

Does this signal the end for bare-it-all fashions, and the floppy-breasted are simply the last to hear the news? We believe so. It seems to boil down to Young Hollywood telling Older Hollywood to put some goddamned clothes on.

With that in mind, Mamarazzi proudly presents our first caption contest. The best caption for the following photograph will win a $25 Starbucks gift card.

You have until midnight Monday night, so think of something devastatingly funny and leave it in a comment.
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All photos from MTV.com, except for the last one, which is from dear Dlisted.

Anyway. We've sat through the trailer for Machete a couple of times. Machete is the film in which Lindsay Lohan finally makes her come back. But we can't tell who should be more offended by it. Mexicans? Motorcyclists? Catholics? Anyone whose last name is Lohan?

At 1:40, that's 23-year-old Lilo cozying up to 65-year-old Danny Tejo. Honestly. How vomit-y can you get?

We're pretty sure Machete won't be shown at the Venice Film Festival, but if it were, Cheech Marin would deserve an award of some kind. His portrayal of a ruthless gun-toting priest is the most realistic thing in the film. On top of that, he didn't burst out laughing during any of his scenes--and we hear he has a pretty good sense of humor.

Machete goes direct to video premieres on April 10. In protest, we plan to stay at home watching our video of The Parent Trap.

Birds are chirping. The sun is warm. Tiny buds appear on the trees. This can mean only one thing:

SPRING CLEANING!!

Even celebrities have to occasionally take out the trash. Alec Baldwin is no exception. Spring is here and he needs to get a few things out of his life...

... such as that awesome Village People cop costume 1977. Alec got a lot of mixed reactions that Halloween.



It's hard to let this go, but Alec wore out the grooves on this gem. This heavenly music got Alec through many a lonely night.



This cereal was tasty, but what's left in the box is a tad stale. Out it goes!



Ahhh, Alec remembers painting by the numbers fondly. But Alec's in a sharing mood, so it's time to let Mork & Mindy smile upon new faces.



Lastly, Alec must part with this nearly five foot tall portrait of himself, commissioned by brother Billy as a gift to Alec's then-wife, Kim Basinger. Incredibly, Kim left this masterpiece to Alec after their divorce.

For reals, you can own a giant, vintage 1991 masterpiece of smarmy Alec sexily smiling upon you. Those eyes! Those Vinnie Barbarino LIPS! Oh, muses of the arts, we thank you for this most beauteous offering.

If we win this, and money is no object when it comes to such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, we'll hang it right next to our prized statue of Michael Jackson and Bubbles.

You remember Jerry. He's the one who hooked up with a woman he met WHILE SHE WAS ON HER HONEYMOON.



But Jerry's not the only "do as I say, not as I do" celebrity involved with the show. There's also this guy, known for keeping his cool during trying times with loved ones:



But it gets even better! One of the super special celebrity guest stars selected to serve as ref has not one, but TWO busted marriages under her Boy Toy belt!





We guess it's true: those who can't really do get to judge others!

(N.B. This post was actually authored by Susie Sunshine, a brilliant writer and talented password-forgetter.)

Let's work backwards shall we?

Backwards from 3 hours, thank you very much ABC, which is how long this romantical festival of forever took... 3 HOURS.

It's Vienna for The Final Rose and no weak "let's date and see where this goes" half ass commitment speech from the most chatty and decisive Bachelor in history... nosireebob, Jake gets down and one knee and proposes to Vienna with a very sparkly Neil Lane diamond ring.

Hearts! Flowers! Love!

Meh.

Mamarazzi, for what it's worth, does not get all the hot hate for Vienna found in chatrooms and, of course, in the weird little tribe of Season 14 Bachlorettes. ABC, for all their efforts and Ali, the Queen of the Mean Girls, for all her bitching, never showed the viewer anything more than a rather hyper girl who offended by talking about how great her one on one date with Jake was... something that every other girl in the history of the show has done... It really felt as though Ali realized Vienna was her greatest competition and started the Down With Vienna campaign... and it worked. Girl didn't have a friend in the house or, in the audience.

PSA:

Here is the thing - bullying is never ok. Trashing others to make yourself feel better or to try and direct an outcome to your desires is not ok. And don't give Mamarazzi that old, "where there is smoke there is fire" bit because it doesn't hold. Girls are committing suicide over being bullied. They are dropping out of school, sports programs, and jobs... in this case, we never saw one damn example of why she was so bad... Vienna even apologized to the house at large for whatever she had supposedly done and what she got for that was more hateful behavior. Mamarazzi won't be recapping Ali's season as the Bachlorette because quite frankly, she is just not a nice person.

Now, back to the recap:

It was basically, "He's Just Not That Into You."

There was the meeting of Jake's family where everyone cried because Tenley is a real live Disney Princess and if Jake picks her it will be a world of magical talking animals and dishes... or Vienna where everyone decides she isn't that bad after all.

There are long walks on the beach with Jake looking stressed and if you thought it was a good idea to have a shot of liquor each and every time Jake said, "It's hard to be in love with 2 women", you are probably in the hospital today.

Other overused potential leading to alcohol poisoning phrases: Vienna is so full of life/Tenely has such strong values/both these women have a piece of my heart.

Mamarazzi hopes you are all ok.

Final dates: Volcano Mud Bath for Vienna and Snorkeling for Tenely and basically Jake lets the old cat out of the bag on that big yacht with Tenley... the physical chemistry is just not there. Oh, he backpedals something fierce, but it's out there, hanging around in the air, and it's something all the women at home know to be true... The Evil Queen is sexier than Snow White.

Helicopter! Jade Mountain! Jake!

Mamarazzi would just like to point out that St. Lucia is ridiculously gorgeous and if the Tourism Board is looking to bring some snark to their island, Mamarazzi is available.

Jake breaks Tenley's heart and much to the dismay of Mamarazzi's cousin, Tenley does not do a sad Mime Dance of the Broken Hearted.. instead she tearfully thanks Jake for showing her that she can love again and Jake tells her he'll never forget her.

Vienna arrives and can barely walk for the nerves. It's okay Vienna, tah dah: You're the Final Rose!

Ring! Tears! Proposal! Yes!

snooze.

After the Final Rose

Lights! Camera! Tenley!

Tell America how much it sucked to have your heart stomped on... oh, Chris Harrison, you dog.

Tenley does and she is sweet and Mamarazzi will be honest with you... that voice is not something we will miss.

Jake comes out and Tenely tries to stick it to him a little by asking if it was fair to Vienna for him to propose when he obvs all these feelings for her. Jake basically slaps her down by plainly stating that the magic sparks? Not with her. But he'll always be her friend.

Tenley hauls off and smacks him in the kisser.

No? Well, she should have.. friend!

Jake then tells America to basically suck it. Vienna is "his baby" and has a wonderful heart and they are so in love and then Vienna comes out and she looks better... her hair is a little warmer blonde and it's an improvement. Chris Harrison queries her on all the negative tabloid press and she calls it all nonsense and tells us that she is such a "sweet person."

No love from the audience. But they seem happy. She is moving to Dallas and Mamarazzi wishes them well... fade out to Jeffrey Osbourne, LIVE and serenading them to, of course, On the Wings of Love.

Now it's time for the official reveal: Ali the new Bachlorette.

Hoo-fucking-Ray

She's all "blessed" and "overwhelmed" and everyone is clapping and if Mamarazzi sets the DVR correctly, Mamarazzi will never have to see her again.

The youthful grandfather with his youthful girlfriend Jenny McCarthy

The extremely youthful Jackson Riley Santana

OK, OK, we get it. We remember In Living Color when it was first on television, and we saw Ace Ventura in the movie theater.

The not-so-youthful LemonySarah SusieSunshine Kristin Poppy Buxom Gloria Swanson

We're ready for our Geritol, Mr. Demille.

We know what you're thinking: How can this be? How can hilariously funny, eternally-youthful hipsters like the Mamas of Mamarazzi get geriatric-tracked by the media?

Here's the deal: it happens when news reports that Seth Green is engaged to marry model Clare Grant

identify Seth as the producer of Robot Chicken.

Because, come on, stupid media people! Seth Green is Oz.

(Bonus points if you think Seth Green is Dr. Evil's son Scot.)

But Robot Chicken? Kids these days ... hey you! Get off my lawn!

p.s. Congratulations to Oz Seth and Clare! Smoochies! Albeit wrinkly ones.

Nothing personal, Your Toe Curling-ness. According to a poll of 2,500 women, conducted by www.onepoll.com, 91% of women secretly want guys less perfect than your lovely self.

Women dig stubble. Yeah baby, Hugh Laurie as Dr. House!



Women like tech geeks, like our friend Bill Gates, shown here as a 19 year old bad boy. We know! Bill Gates has street cred!



Fifty-eight per cent of women even want a guy who doesn't care what he eats over someone who is watching his weight and counting calories. Ummm, Jack Black?

Women also like hairy chest, guys with a soft spot, grey hair, and glasses. Nearly two-thirds of women polled said they would like a man who got ready quickly rather than fussing over what he looked like.

We lust for Captain Kangaroo?!


Ladies, Mamarazzi plugged all this info into our Uniblab computer and it spat out Your Perfect Man. So who is the man who possesses virtually all of these most desirable qualities?



Mr. Robin Williams!

Or Salma Hayek as Frida Khalo.

So we're not surprised that Jon's been trying to land another show. Why not? We can easily imagine him on something like Lifestyles of Deadbeat Dads, or Me and My Midlife Crisis.

But who would have guessed that he'd try to end up on Project Runway?

Here he is modeling his first entry: a rainbow-colored tutu cunningly made of vinyl backpacks.

What do you think? Fierce? Or a hot tranny mess?

By the time ABC drags our bitter and sorry asses to The Women Tell All episode... well, who cares? Reality Steve gave away the ending in January and it just feels as though there is no reason to watch... Mamarazzi hates them all and wants them to go away.

Which is why you had no recap last week... 1/4 of Mamarazzi was skiing in the local mountains, taking full advantage of the best snow seen in Southern California in about 10 years... and did not have Internet to give you a recap of Gia sexing Jake up and yet still getting the boot... just like Reality Steve spoiled.

Curse you Reality Steve! Curse Mamarazzi for reading!

Moving on... last night was that weird episode where all the gals come back for a good old fashioned chat fest and if you've ever seen The Music Man you find yourself humming that annyoying "Pick a Little Talk a Little" number until you can't sleep due to ear worm trauma.

No one tells all.

Here is what you need to know from last night... Ali does not remind Mamarazzi why she was liked in the first place but is a pretty good bet to be the next Bachlorette... Gia is the nicest person to come out of this show... Crazy Eyes Michelle is pretty casual about the whole thing and you can hear the producers tears as she didn't rise to the occasion and freak the hell out... what good is a fight if no one throws a punch?

The Rozlyn (who is now billed as "Make Up Artist and not "Model") Scandal goes in circles but is still the most interesting part of the show. She is hostile and says things like, "Chris, I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time understanding this... " and Chris calls her out and reminds her that all this is about is her inappropriate physical relationship with Said Producer (who seems to be named, "Aidan") Several women offer up their testimony, which is quite specific and um... detailed and Rozlyn calls them all liars.

Conspiracy Theories: Mamarazzi is not a fan.

She is probably full of shit, but swears on her child's life (which makes Mamarazzi want to punch her in the throat) that nothing happened and Jessie (Who? You are wondering. Mamarazzi too.) rather awesomely swears on her dog's life that she saw Rozlyn and Said Producer (Aidan?) making out.

And so it goes.

And Chris Harrison is enjoying the hell out it.

Until!

Until he (Chris) queries Rozlyn about just why would this producer be fired from the show, a show to which he was a friend to and was a friend to him and in Hollywood Speak that means you had a well paying job during bleak economic times if there was nothing going on and she responds with, "Oh really? Friends? Well that is news to him considering you, Chris, were hitting on his wife in New Zeland."

Oh Rozlyn, you pill. No one believes you.

Chris hopes that this experience makes Rozlyn a better person.

Now that's a burn.

(Mamarazzi wants to know if Said Producer's Wife is now an Ex? This is the only storyline of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love we care about.)

Jake (remember him?) finally comes out and says all the predictable thing about, "this crazy journey to find love" and how he is in love with "two amazing women" and that "this is the hardest decision he's ever had to make" and Mamarazzi is snooze...

We see a bunch of outtakes and they're the most "real" part of this reality show and show some women who might actually be fun and have personalities instead of the FemBot Talking Heads the editors at ABC turn them into... in any case, stay tuned for next week and The Final Rose!

But don't take our word for it. Here's the proof:

Adopted daughter Mercy is baby bliss in her matching knit cloche and neck scarf.

Meanwhile, Lourdes is rocking her striped tights and motorcycle boots--but she also looks a little reminiscent of an extra from Tim Burton's new Alice in Wonderland movie.

We say this in all love: there's whimsical, and then there's a future Helena Bonham Carter. If this escalates for another 10 years, mockery may ensue. But not yet.

And then there's Madge herself. She looks like she's been dumpster diving behind Jon Gosselin's house.

Seriously, Ed Hardy? We never thought we'd see the Material Girl so far behind the style curve. Jon gets paid to wear it, but what's her excuse?

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Photos courtesy of DListed.com