Recently in Paris Hilton Category

We'd like to congratulate Paris Hilton on her latest mug shot. It can't be easy to look good in one. There's no one to do your hair and makeup, and as for Photoshopping, we're pretty sure the cops don't bother. So Paris, kudos on your latest! We could definitely see it being included in a high school yearbook under "most likely to be arrested on drug and/or alcohol charges."

On the other hand, we're not as thrilled with Paris's claim that the purse she was carrying--the one with the bag of coke--couldn't have been hers because it was "too cheap."

We're sure Paris lives a strictly Louis Vuitton lifestyle. After all, she carries her LV bag to the beach. She probably thinks only the little people carry Coach.

But Paris, here's a newsflash for you. If you Google "Paris Hilton Cheap," you get 11,000,000 hits.

On the other hand, if you Google "Paris Hilton Expensive," you get only 1,500,000.

Your honor, we rest our case.

For years we couldn't figure out exactly why Paris Hilton looked like a vacuous real-life version of a Barbie doll. And then it hit us. The problem isn't her yellow dolly hair, vacant expression, and long, thin limbs. It's her tendency to accessorize herself like a Mrs. Potato Head. Case in point: on a recent trip to the beach, Paris, as usual, over-accessorized herself. Which accessories do you think she could do without?

Photo courtesy of X17

a) the gold sunglasses
b) the headband
c) the giant purse
d) the dinner napkin tied around her hips
e) the bracelets
f) the ring pop
g) the size 14 gold lamé ballet slippers
h) the bodyguard
i) the bodyguard's Johnny Walker Black

Mamarazzi has decided that the aughties were the Decade of the Celebutante. Which means that they, like the decade, are over.

Join us as we declare 2010 a Celebutante-free decade. Like gluten-free, but even more delicious.

And Happy New Year!

Paris Hilton, role model
Paris Hilton is trying to climb aboard the Mourning Michael Jackson express, and it only makes her look stupider. If that's possible.

She's claiming that Michael named his daughter after her. Which is OK, because it's possible that Michael didn't realize that in addition to being a dim-witted celebutante, Paris is a city in France.

Paris is also claiming that her mother was a good friend of Jackson's. And that's OK, too. Certainly the man could have used more friends.

But Paris is also claiming that her mother went to school with Jackson. And we draw the line at that. Kathy Hilton grew up in California, and Jackson was born and raised in Gary, Indiana.

The only way it makes sense is if Paris is taking the lyrics of "ABC" literally. And when you think about it, the song pretty much encompasses the sum of Paris's knowledge: ABC, 123, do re mi, that's how easy love can be.

Everything Paris Hilton knows, she learned from The Jackson 5

Then clap your hands!

And we do mean clap. In every sense of the word. Because rumor has it you will soon be able to see Disney's live-action version of Peter Pan, which according to reports all over the internet--will include Paris Hilton in the role of Tinkerbell.

Mind you, we don't believe everything we read on the internet. Hello? We're internet rumor-mongers and conspiracy theorists ourselves. It's what we do.

So we hope this is a stupid, baseless rumor. Because we'd rather take our impressionable daughters to a version of Peter Pan starring the Bratz than expose them to any more of Paris Hilton than is absolutely necessary. We are not enjoying the visions we're having of Target racks bulging with size 4T Paris Hilton-as-Tinkerbell nightgowns.

In the meantime, we wish Paris well in her campaign against licorice Apartheid.

Disney executives were especially impressed by this performance art piece, in which Paris showed her support for oppressed black licorice everywhere by singing protest Karaoke songs against red Twizzlers.

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Do you agree that this might be the skeeviest idea Disney ever came up with? Or are we being all judgey-judgmental again? Comment here.

You know how everyone tells you that the only way to deal with a tantrum is to ignore it?

Is your toddler having a meltdown in front of the candy display at the supermarket checkout? Ignore him. Your three-year-old keeps interrupting you when you're trying to make a telphone call? Ignore her. Your kids are bickering in the back seat when you're trying to move three lanes over or you'll miss your exit but it's the middle of the night and it's raining and you're stuck between two massive eighteen-wheelers? IGNORE THEM.

Well, Paris Hilton is having a hissy, and we say IGNORE HER.

See, rumor has it that she really is contemplating having a baby with Benji Madden.

Yeah, we didn't believe it either. We've even reported the rumor before, but honestly? We thought it was a joke.

But apparently, the baby Nicole Ritchie had with Madden's twin brother Joel has given Hilton big ideas. She wants to get back in the tabs, and what better way than to be the latest Madden baby mama? Even better, she's started feuding with her Simple Life co-star again. Perfect! Rival baby mama drama!

Here's a thought, Paris. It's obvious that you have no talent or intelligence whatsoever. You're a brainless bimbo, but you do date a lot--we'll give you that much. So listen; instead of having a baby, how about accidentally-on-purpose releasing another sex tape?

We promise to be shocked. And yet, we'd feel good, somehow. As if we'd done the world a favor.

We can see it now: "No babies were conceived during the production of this film."

And the world heaves a giant sigh of relief.

After a busy night turning tricks, Paris counts her earnings:

(Photo from Perez Hilton)

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It doesn't seem an exaggeration to say that baby Harlow likely saved her mom's life. Nicole Richie is a much healthier weight, seems to be saying no to drugs, and now parties a survivable amount.

We couldn't help wondering if perhaps mini-Mes might be the answer to saving this next generation of celebutants from themselves......

What the hot hell is this?! Our guess: diamond encrusted rewards for going in the potty like big girls.

A mere week after 18 year-old Barron was thrown in jail for a DUI, big sis Paris spends her birthday making sure he never looks at booze the same way again.