Recently in Michael Lohan Category

In case you've been in a coma for the past few weeks, a Taiwanese TV network has developed a fine teaching tool to educate you on the whole Lohan family drama. Such a wondrous time in which we live.

Or, they report, you decide. And enjoy.

Some families text. Some email. Some even talk face to face. The Lohans communicate via song. Awesome, awesome song.

Seems that Lindsay's about to release a single in which she discusses her family problems; every 14 year old's dream! Except that Lindsay's nearly twice that age and maybe it's time to give it a rest already, hmmm?

BUT! Lindsay's ever-entertaining dad, Michael, has written and produced his own song, sung by a friend (he has friends?) that makes Richard Marx songs sound like punk rock.

Being parents ourselves, we believe that Michael's heart is in the right place. But his head? Where do we begin?

Behold the poignant poetry.

I loved and protected you, I was THERE through it all./I do admit, I did at times fall./But these things you know were due to "THEM"/The ones that want to have a piece of my gem!

"THEM"?!! Giant ants?!!

Oh. He's talking about US. Mean old Mamarazzi.

Hey, if we can be part of the inspiration for fine art, we've done our job. We are proud.

We had resolved to stop making fun of anyone whose last name is Gosselin or Lohan. Instead, we were going to do nice, positive, upstanding things like congratulate Matthew McBongity on the birth of his daughter.

Photo courtesy of X17.com

And you see how long that lasted.

But we don't really feel we're really breaking our resolution, because we're powerless in the face of Jon Gosselin's dead shark eyes. He reminds us of the guy who played Torgo in Manos: The Hands of Fate. We're under his spell, and the proof is our sudden urge to go to Ulta to buy an Ed Hardy fragrance.

(Also, those of you who went to co-ed high schools, does it look like Michael Lohan's teacher asked him to write something on the board, and he has a hard-on and is trying to hide it with the front of his t-shirt?)

ANYWAY. Apparently there are talks underway between these two fame whores. They're planning on having some kind of boxing match.

YAWN. With any luck, they'll be like matter and anti-matter. As soon as one of them manages to land a punch, they'll both disappear.

Everyone knows what it means to hit bottom. It's when you can finally admit that you've completely lost control of your life. Michael Lohan knows this. He also knows that no one can force you to become sober; this is a decision and a process that you have to embark upon yourself.

But that hasn't stopped Michael from taping telephone calls from Lindsay--calls in which she weeps, sobs, and is clearly in anguish ... and then releasing them to the press.

He's claiming that it's an attempt to get her to go to rehab. But we respectfully disagree. We think Michael is addicted to talking to reporters.

Pass the Pepto. John Gosselin's at it again. He continues to amaze even jaded old Mamarazzi.

Like you need reminders...

...He moved three hours away from the kids to a tony Manhattan chick magnet bachelor pad.

He catted around. A lot.

His catting with the daughter of Kate's plastic surgeon deserves an entire wing in Mamarazzi's Hall o' Fame & Shame.

Jon's girlfriend Hailey Glassman has a long history of attending only the best parties with guys wearing douchey shirts. See below.



She knows how to pose for a mug shot. However, she doesn't know when to stop plucking her eyebrows.



Thank you, Hailey, for providing us with the most amazing literal wasted face plant in history.


Then there was the Summer of Douchey Ed Hardy Shirts.

Fierce shirt!

In perhaps the most bizarre marketing campaign ever, The Ed Hardy Company gave Jon a few pieces of their clothing and asked him to wear them around as very definition of The Ed Hardy Man. Do we really need to continue using words containing "douche"? Naw. We think the overall douchiness is profoundly evident.

Nice pants.



Note the amazingly ironic message on the shirt: Death Before Dishonor. Guffaw!

Now Jon's starting his own clothing line Gosselin Gear. You just know it'll be classy.

So we weren't surprised when yesterday TLC announced that they were dropping Jon from Jon & Kate Plus 8 and renaming the show Kate Plus 8.

And we weren't surprised when, immediately, Jon wanted to retain his paycheck suspend the divorce and tell the world how sorry he is.

And really, we shouldn't have been surprised this morning to learn that Jon's claiming that he wanted out so he can help develop a new reality show, The Divorced Dad's Club...

...With fellow superdad/reality show ho d-bag veteran Michael Lohan.

Oh, and he's trying to suspend filming of Kate Plus 8. Let the wild rumpus start!

Cheez, we've put up with a lot from Jon but we're not sure we can stomach what's to come.

We should have seen this coming, yet we're stunned. Many people reported sighting chicken hawks Michael Lohan and Jon Gosselin flocking together yesterday on Long Island, maybe 50 miles as the crow flies from Jon's new Manhattan love nest.

We suspect that Lohan is East Coast Ambassador of an organization called FWDB Dads, or "Fwidb Dads" for short. It stands for Fame Whore D-Bag Dads, an elite club open only to men who've achieved fame for their top-notch parenting dysfunction paired with a strong willingness to display their fabulous-ness to us on reality TV.

We applaud Papa Lohan for spreading his wings to welcome Jon, who's busy molting, shedding six hatchlings and a mama bird. May Michael and Jon fly high.

Then may they smash head first into our kitchen windows.

We're completely serious. Someone has to save that poor girl from her publicity-crazed relatives.

You've already heard that Michael Lohan has "freed up" his "busy schedule" so that he can spend quality time with his daughter. Other sources tells us that Ma Lohan and little sister Alli are hanging out with Lindsay to "support" her. Now Grandma Lohan wants to get in on the act.

Well, frankly, we think what Lindsay needs is a break from those publicity crackheads.

And so, Mamarazzi grants custody of Lindsay to ... Stevie Nicks.

Stevie Nicks survived the seventies and eighties and kicked her own cocaine habit. She's selling out concert arenas and doing just fine, thanks.

Rumors that Lindsay Lohan has been wanting to star in a bio pic about Stevie Nicks have been swirling around for years. Well, right now, Lindsay is desperate for a come-back. A bio pic like Walk the Line would be perfect.

The problem is Stevie isn't interested. As quoted in Thursday's New York Times:

Lindsay Lohan hopes to buy the rights to [Nick's] life story and to play her on film. Unmoved, Ms. Nicks responded: "Over my dead body. She needs to stop doing drugs and get a grip. Then maybe we'll talk."

See? Sounds realistic. Strict. Not a word about "support."

If you ask us, she's perfect foster grandmother material.

We all know that Lindsay Lohan's in trouble again. She's lost a ton of weight, she's acting crazier than ususal and now even Samantha's thrown her on the street. Again.

Cue Lindsay's dad, Michael Lohan. AGAIN, he's reaching out to his college age daughter, not by calling her or showing up at her place - goodness, no.

He talks to his kids through the media.

He's serious this time! He's annouced that he's cleared his calendar, making unlimited time for Lindsay.

Now, we at Mamarazzi have obtained an exclusive copy of Michael Lohan's crammed calendar. It's got the same stuff written on it every single day. Behold.

10:30 AM Alarm goes off. Hit the snooze button.

11:30 AM Roll out of bed. Call publicist. Tell him to make reservations for me at The Ivy.

11:31 AM Remind publicist to call all paparazzi agencies to tell them that I will be at The Ivy, followed by an impromptu stroll down Robertson Blvd. You know, so I can impart my parenting wisdom to the world. And show off my awesome fashion sense.

11:32 AM Remind publicist that I'm available for a reality show. Because I'm just that interesting. And I'm a man of religion with infinite wisdom.

11:40 AM Stick needles into my Dina voodoo doll.

12:00 PM Read Perez Hilton to find out what my kids are up to.

12:45 PM Apply bronzer. Many, many coats of bronzer. I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. Paparazzi man!

1:00 PM Show up at The Ivy. Act nonchalant. And wise. And tan.

3:00 PM - 1:00 AM Watch TiVo'd episodes of Webster, Charles in Charge and Harry and the Hendersons. Because those are are awesome families. They're all nuts, they wear awesome outfits and they're always being filmed. Sweet, sweet dreams.

OK, we were kidding. He's not in the hospital. But he has been spewing again--this time at Lindsay's significant other, Samantha Ronson.

And it gets worse. He's doing it on his blog.

That's right, folks. If you're curious, you can go straight to Michael Lohan's blog and see it all. The pictures of him with Lindsay. The pictures of him without Lindsay. His schedule. His vlog. (Which appears to be entirely made up of eerily lit footage of him asking "Is this thing working?")

Here's Thursday's rant about Samantha Ronson:

I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life.

Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn't used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha.
Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren't just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!

Ohhhh kaaaay. We get it. SaMANtha isn't your idea of a perfect daughter-in-law. Thanks for sharing. Because we've learned something today. It doesn't take a village to raise a child; it takes the entire internet. So internet, get off your lazy butts and HELP LINDSAY.

Oh, and internet? Before you go off and save Lindsay?

You really need to check out Michael's blog.

It has autoplay music.

Don't you wish you had a fame-whore dad who was that cool?

Whew, we've been dealing with some heavy issues lately! Clearly, it's time to comment on pure fluff.

AKA Michael Lohan.

You know, Lindsay's attention freak dad?

We know it's easy to get him mixed up with the other Lohan attention hounds, mom Dina, little sister Ali, not to mention Lindsay herself.

For weeks now, Daddy Lohan has very publicly been seeking a celebrity to box with him for self-promotion charity . Although we'd be willing to knock a little sense into the man, we decided to sit this one out. Hey, even the usual crowd of D and F-listers in search of a humiliating reality show chose not to come forward to fight the 48-year old. For fear of being beaten up, we're sure.

We must add that Mr. Lohan DID manage to attract one D-lister to the fray:Stephen Baldwin will serve as the event's Celebrity Judge.

BUT! Michael did manage to find a celebrity opponent!. He's a businessman that Michael met at his squash club.

Ouch, Mike! If this dude manages to land a lucky punch, it'll simply be adding injury to insult.

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Photo Credits: Getty Images