Recently in Mel Gibson Category

Now that the LAPD has opened a domestic violence inquiry about Mel Gibson, there's only one place this can go.

And that's reality TV.

Help us pick a name and an elevator pitch for Mel's reality show! Come on--anyone can play!

I Hope They Serve Beer in Mel

A gritty, no-holds-barred Breaking Bonaduce-style investigation into alcohol abuse, rehab, and rehab abuse. Starring Mel Gibson, his ex-wife, his ex-girlfriend, his therapist, and a bottle hidden in a brown paper bag.

Apocalypse Mel

Mel travels through LA (or maybe it's the Australian outback--who can tell?) picking fights with local law enforcement. Filmed entirely in an aboriginal dialect--except for the swearing and anti-Semitic remarks.

Mel and Date Plus 8

A competition where Mel brings home a variety of beautiful women to help him raise his kids. The winner is the first one to get knocked up.

Mel, Mel, Mel. You do have a way with words.

Friends, no doubt you've already read about the secretly recorded tapes that leaked after being presented in Oksana Grigorieva's and Mel's breakup and custody court hearing. Mel was taped screaming such gems as (WARNING: This is rough stuff!):

"You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.

"Look what you did to me... look what you are... look what every part of you is... fucking fake... fucking fake. You are the most synthetic person... who the fuck are you?"

Mel, try the Mamarazzi Method of Anger Management. It's so simple! Just change a few words when you need to blow off steam. Here's how it works:

All nasty nouns should be replaced by the word "diphthong".

Change all adjectives to "moist".

Any words ending with "-ing"? Replace them with "snorkeling".

Please replace all horrible verbs with "flummox".

You won't make any sense but you'll sound amusing and not like the disgusting racist/sexist/all around equal opportunity hater you evidently are.

One thing can stay, though. In Oksana's case, the word "fake" shouldn't be replaced. Any dolt can see that it's appropriate.

This is important: Always speak with a hand puppet.

Better yet, follow the lead of your doppelganger, The Burger King. He simply smiles and doesn't say a snorkeling thing.

The entire writing staff of Mamarazzi was slack-jawed and speechless over the news that Mel Gibson and his girlfriend what's-her-name weren't getting along.

And now what's all this we're hearing? Custody battles? Blows? Teeth getting knocked out? Restraining orders?

That's not the kind of of behavior we'd come to expect from this pair of crazy love-struck kids. (OK, fine: one love-struck gold digger and an aging alcoholic egomaniac with anger-management issues and a bug up his ass about religion.)

But still--who could have seen this coming?

When a man leaves his wife of 30 years to take up with a much younger mistress, we expect happily ever after. Didn't you?

Honestly, Mel. Don't phrases like "male menopause," "red sportscar," or "a little bit on the side" mean anything anymore?

Forbes magazine has released their list of America's Most Trusted Celebrities. The winner? King Mufasa! OK, it was really James Earl Jones, who remains squeaky clean despite having a name that sounds like a serial killer.

Second Place? Sheriff Woody! All right, Tom Hanks. You know, the superstar who raves about sex with his long-term wife? Unreal!

We see a pattern. These two actors not only have unblemished pasts, they do their fair share of Disney voice work.

Americans trust cartoons.

Mamarazzi has its own criteria for trustworthy celebs. We trust certain celebs to misbehave.

Mamarazzi's Top Two Most Trusted Celebrities to Misbehave:

#2: Mel Gibson. The latest? Mel has fired his bodyguards. He will now protect his girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva and their two-month-old baby daughter Lucia himself - with a gun.

Think about it: Not-paranoid-or-anything, no-personal-or-family-history-of-nuttyness Mel Gibson with a real live GUN. Um, Mel? It sounds like a cartoon: An intruder enters your love nest in the middle of the night. You, half-awake, comedically confused and pumped full of adrenaline, lunge all crazy-eyed from bed with a GUN. Hilarity ensues. Um, wakie wakie, Mel. As unreal as your thoughts may be, life is not a cartoon.

But as awesomely loose cannon like as Mel can be, we award #1 to our old pal:

Courtney Love! Thanks to the wonder that is the internet, we know we can count on the ever-entertaining cartoonish Ms. Love to provide us with daily illustrations of The Crazy.

"I'm a good rock musician; I am one suck-ass celebrity, though."

Oh Courtney, we beg to differ. You're #1 to us. And your music sucks. Trust us.

Mel,

You can probably understand how between your bad behavior with Uterus #2 Oksana, coupled with learning it's being directed by Jodie Foster, we really expected The Beaver to be about something entirely different than a guy who walks around with a puppet on his hand.

Our bad!

Sugartittily yours,
The Mamarazzi

After seven children and 28 years of marriage, Robyn Gibson has filed for divorce from Mel, citing "irreconcilable differences."

Apparently, that's legalese for "he's been boinking this Russian pop tart for years and I. have. had. it."

So what do you say when a guy has an affair with a young woman five years younger than his oldest child--who was 10 years old when he won his Oscars for Braveheart?

Two things: at least we won't have to listen to any more smug pronouncements about religion from the righter-than-right-wing über Catholic Mel. Because no matter what color Catholic you are, divorce makes the Baby Jesus cry.

Also, we suspect that we won't be seeing all that many gruesomely violent movies shot in obscure languages, like The Passion of the Christ or Apocalyptico

Because what's the Aramaic/Latin/Hebrew/Yucatec Maya for "Oh shit; that's right; California is a community property state"?

Better hold on tight to those Crocs, Mel ... Robyn has the legal right to one of them.

Photo: Getty