Recently in Madonna Category

Madonna banned photographers from taking pictures of her at a Museum of Modern Art party Monday night because she "didn't feel she looked her best."

Take a moment right now to think back.

We've seen Madonna's:

-three inch black roots

-chicken claw hands

-unshaven armpits

-placenta hat (Evita phase)

-kiss with Britney and Christina

-onstage masturbation act

-creepy cheek implants

-eyebrow evolution

-crotch (all phases)

most of which were readily shared by Her Madgesty herself.

So what could she have been wearing/doing/recovering from at this MoMA party want to AVOID BEING PHOTOGRAPHED?!

This is so not like our Material Girl!!!

Brace yourselves for the one photograph of Madonna from that night:

Mamarazzi just doesn't have the strength to delve into Charlie Sheen's tiger bloodlines, WINNER!!ness, or loss of custody of his 2 year old twins today.

Instead, we're getting back to the basics of manners because while it seems obvious to most people, clearly there are some who need some gentle guidance.

For example, it is okay to have the same hairstyle and one's daughter, providing it is classic and not overly-trendy. (Example: traight hair with side-swept bangs is fine. Pink, crimped hair is not.)

However, no matter how fabulous the legs are, it is NEVER OKAY for a mother's skirt to be shorter than her daughter's, especially if it is a see-through garment. You had your time, now let her have hers!

Remember when Madonna visited Malawi and grabbed a baby boy had several photo opps and got a ton of publicity offered to adopt an almost-orphan? And simultaneously and completely coincidentally bought some good will bribed local officials with an offer to build a girls' school?

Well, that was over three years ago, and they still haven't broken ground.

If you read the press surrounding this adoption, you'll see statements claiming that Madonna's planned generosity did nothing to fast-track her plans to adopt a baby.

Color us cynical, but three and a half years later, Madonna has legal custody of the child. And nothing has been built in Malawi.

Maybe by the time David graduates from high school, Madonna will have managed to build a facility for training Malawans in CPR.

Meanwhile, Malawi? Don't hold your breath.
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Photo courtesy of I Don't Like You That Way

When we saw unretouched photos of Madonna's recent Vuitton photoshoot, we immediately identified: Just like us, Madge drains herself getting four kids out of bed, packing their school lunches, carpooling, then racing to the gym to maintain those gristle arms that her fifth child, Jesus, likes so much.

Then we saw this photo.

We perused Madonna's 13-year old daughter Lourdes' fashion statement du jour. Lola's sporting J-Woww's Daisy Dukes, The Situation's white framed sunglasses, Snooki's mom's New Jersey chic tee shirt, wow, Lourdes sure loves her black pantyhose and HEL-LO! WHAT'S THAT ON LITTLE LOURDES' WRIST?! We're betting that's not a sanctioned item in Macy's Material Girl line.

Sooooo... Madonna and child spend quality time together grooving to Bob Marley in a haze of sweet, sweet smoke?

Now we have a whole new insight into Madonna's beat appearance. It's her new oh so chic sleepy stoner look.

Photos: Vuitton, Bauer- Griffin

Photo courtesy of Dlisted.com
You know, we could post this photo of Madonna arriving at her birthday celebration and squee about how great she looks for a 52 year old. You know, be all "You go, girl!"

But please, people. Madonna has been being stalked by the paps for 25 years. Madonna's birthday is like Christmas for them. They know she's going to get all dolled up, go out, and give good face. The occasion is about as spontaneous as the red carpet at the Oscars.

So this is what we want for our birthday: a photograph of Madonna leaving the gym after a two-hour hot yoga class. With no makeup on, her cheek implants popping out, her roots showing, and preferably wearing a tank top so we can point and laugh at her Skeletor arms.

Is it just us, or is it getting harder to tell the difference between Madonna and ......everyone else?

*NSFW or Children*

Remember this look?

That's Lourdes in 2008. And here she is last month.

We apologize for not bringing these pictures to your attention before now. It took our corneas a few days to recover from the sight of Madonna's chipmunk cheeks.

Isn't she gorgeous? We're not even going to snark her 14-going-on-20 look, because some of us have teenage daughters of our own.

But don't think we've gone soft, because we've got a piece of advice for Lourdes: don't accept any shiny red apples from harmless old peddler women.

Yesterday, we had something to say about the way Christie Brinkley and her daughter Alexa Ray Joel appear to have taken part in some mother/daughter plastic surgery. We didn't really notice what Alexa Ray looked like before, so we're not going to criticize her nose job. But we thought Christie's cheeks looked strangely chipmunk-y.

And then today we noticed this photograph of Madonna. Apparently everyone who's anyone is doing this weird thing to their cheeks.

Photo courtesy of Dlisted

Are those Madonna's cheeks, or is she building a couple of additions on her face? We're thinking it's an addition--two entire new wings, one for her orphan collection and one for her boy toys.

And we think she should sue her contractor.

Can somebody explain this phenomenon? Is this cheek implants? Fat injections? Storing nuts for the winter?

Whatever. We never thought we'd say this, but Madonna's cheeks look like ass.

We just heard that Madonna is going to be designing producing putting her name on a line of junior clothing and accessories.

Now, some of us have teenage daughters with pretty definite ideas of what is and is not in style. (Like, say, velour tracksuits.) These teens will be glad to hear that Lourdes is going to help design the line.

Oh, and the line is going ibe called Material Girl. We don't know whether we think this is such a hot idea. On the one hand, "Material Girl" makes us think of rubber bracelets, leggings, and dark roots--all already available at stores near you.

On the other hand, it's better than "Sunset Boulevard" or "Death Becomes Her," or "I'm still young and hot, dammit!" all of which come to mind.

Apparently, the farther you are from Madge's Vadge, i.e., Madonna's girlie bits, the better you dress.

But don't take our word for it. Here's the proof:

Adopted daughter Mercy is baby bliss in her matching knit cloche and neck scarf.

Meanwhile, Lourdes is rocking her striped tights and motorcycle boots--but she also looks a little reminiscent of an extra from Tim Burton's new Alice in Wonderland movie.

We say this in all love: there's whimsical, and then there's a future Helena Bonham Carter. If this escalates for another 10 years, mockery may ensue. But not yet.

And then there's Madge herself. She looks like she's been dumpster diving behind Jon Gosselin's house.

Seriously, Ed Hardy? We never thought we'd see the Material Girl so far behind the style curve. Jon gets paid to wear it, but what's her excuse?

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Photos courtesy of DListed.com