Recently in Lindsay Lohan Category

Dear Lindsay:

We've just heard that a hair extension manufacturer is suing Paris Hilton for $35 million.

Why? Because Paris didn't fulfill her contractual obligations. She was supposed to 1) wear this manufacturer's extensions and 2) show up at a party promoting them. And she didn't.

Because SHE WAS IN JAIL.

Now, we're not lawyers, but we have a sneaking suspicion that no judge would even let this suit go to trial. Here was Paris, actually being a law-abiding citizen, paying her debt to society, and this silly hair extension party giving company thinks it can cash in on her PAIN and TORMENT. (And how long was she in jail, anyway--nine hours? Girl, that is a HAIKU compared to your sentence.)

So Lindsay, what with the jail time and now rehab--however abbreviated--you have the perfect excuse for not doing whatever you were supposed to do. Which, given your track record, should come in handy. No more "Your honor, I was in Africa working with orphans." You can come right out and say "Your honor, I was IN THE SLAMMER."

Our advice is this: don't waste it.

xxx,
Mamarazzi

p.s. And you might want to think about this: bitch got paid $3.5 million to promote those extensions. Not too shabby, right?

Photo courtesy of PeaceFMOnline.com

In case you've been in a coma for the past few weeks, a Taiwanese TV network has developed a fine teaching tool to educate you on the whole Lohan family drama. Such a wondrous time in which we live.

Or, they report, you decide. And enjoy.

The rest of you can discuss Ellen quitting American Idol and speculate whether J. Lo will actually talk that way when she's on the show.

We're here to praise Nicole Kidman for dyeing her hair red.

Photo courtesy of DListed

First of all, it will inspire Lindsay Lohan to do something in jail other than eat Twizzlers. (Yo Lindsay, you've got some time on your hands ... how about getting rid of that crappy blonde dye job?)

Also, it might provoke an attack of the crazy from Tom Cruise. After all, check out this photo of Katie "Tree Trunks" Holmes. No contest, right?

Photo courtesy of Anthony Dixon/WENN.com

Some families text. Some email. Some even talk face to face. The Lohans communicate via song. Awesome, awesome song.

Seems that Lindsay's about to release a single in which she discusses her family problems; every 14 year old's dream! Except that Lindsay's nearly twice that age and maybe it's time to give it a rest already, hmmm?

BUT! Lindsay's ever-entertaining dad, Michael, has written and produced his own song, sung by a friend (he has friends?) that makes Richard Marx songs sound like punk rock.

Being parents ourselves, we believe that Michael's heart is in the right place. But his head? Where do we begin?

Behold the poignant poetry.

I loved and protected you, I was THERE through it all./I do admit, I did at times fall./But these things you know were due to "THEM"/The ones that want to have a piece of my gem!

"THEM"?!! Giant ants?!!

Oh. He's talking about US. Mean old Mamarazzi.

Hey, if we can be part of the inspiration for fine art, we've done our job. We are proud.

Dina, the things you say, we couldn't ever make up. You're that incredible. Literally.

You know the whole, absurd story about why Dina Lohan doesn't want meal ticket daughter Lindsay to go to jail. We honestly believe that Dina's heart is in the right place but her arguments for why Lindsay mustn't go to jail move us as much as Lindsay's courtroom plea for leniency - "I was working with children *sob* - it wasn't a vacation. *weep*"

Dina says that Lindsay can't go to jail because:

1. "Lindsay is sober and she's fine" Snork.

2. The other inmates will try to kill Lindsay for ultimate street cred. Um, Dina, if Lindsay goes down, so does the California prison system and Judge Revel, L. A. Mayor Villaraigosa, and Gov. Schwwarzzenneggerrr won't let that happen. Then again, we can see Lindsay starring in a movie about gorgeous, crazy, violent, sexy lesbian women behind bars.

3. Lindsay is claustrophobic. Yes, we know. That's why Lindsay spends 90% of her waking hours in claustophobes' nightmare locales, airplanes and dark, crowded, noisy clubs.

But Dina, today we thank you for delivering our punch line for us. You, and we are not making this up, told that pillar of journalistic excellence, In Touch magazine:

"Lindsay actually wants to open up her own rehab center here (in Los Angeles) and a couple across the country to help other kids and celebs so they don't fall through the cracks in this town," Dina said. "She mentioned it to me a couple of days ago. She's really growing up."

No doubt she's taking careful notes in her new rehab center, coincidentally owned by her new (hoo boy) attorney.

This trial was like the Thanksgiving centerpiece on the Lohan's dining room table--a full-to-overflowing Horn of Crazy. Rainbow-colored obscene fingernails? Hysterical crying? Both parents scrambling for interviews? Constantly switching legal representation?

Well, we've figured out why.

Lindsay and her immediate circle are too busy partying and doing drugs to watch TV. If they had watched even half as much TV as the average American, they'd know not to mess with a judge.

Lindsay probably thought Lindsey's judge would be like Lance Ito, the judge on O. J. Simpson's murder trial, whereas 20 minutes of Judge Judy would have taught her different that Ito is the exception that proves the rule. Whisper, giggle, or fidget too much, and you risk being expelled from the courtroom. Make sure you've gone to the powder room before court starts, because potty breaks are up to the judge, too. Everyone stands up when a judge walks into the courtroom. Come on, who else do Americans do that for? Not the President. Not the Pope. Not even Queen Elizabeth II, and we've heard she'd cut a bitch.

Judge Marsha Revel is our new heroine. Watch her sentence Lindsay here:

If you start feeling bad for Lindsay Lohen's recent sentencing,

please know that she's the one who said "I can't get in trouble, I'm a celebrity, I can do whatever the fuck I want."

And although she couldn't make all her scheduled court appearances, Linds managed to squeeze the time in to get an extra special manicure before her sentencing.

The only person we feel sorry for in these pictures is the poor lawyer trying to represent and defend this spoiled, addicted, immature mess.

Singer Brandy on the parenting style she's using on her seven-year-old daughter :

"I love being a mom and I'm raising her in a different way than how I was raised. Some things that my mom did with me, I do with my daughter -- it's just a different dynamic. I would love for people to see how I'm doing it because I think I could be a good example of a young, single mom."

"A lot of mothers feel like they're the mom first, with that authority. But for me, I'm a friend first. I believe that just being there for my daughter as a friend more than 'I'm in charge...' causes her to be more open with me as a person. That's just what our relationship is. Of course, there are times when I have to discipline her -- I'm mom. But there's still that nurturing and love there that we have. I know I'll probably get flack for being a friend first, but it really works. She's really honest with me. I'm just teaching her how to trust herself. I tell her all the time that my life is not your life -- you have your own life."

"At the end of the day we're going to be friends. When she grows up, it'll be about that friendship that we'll have. She'll come to me for any problems that she has. If I have an authoritative wall up, she's going to rebel and not come to me and I don't want that."

As you may know, Lindsay Lohan was supposed to return from Cannes yesterday to attend her mandatory court hearing in L.A. Oh, how desperately she tried to escape the deplorable 24-hour party scene at the Cannes Film Festival! Alas, someone must have stolen her passport; that happens to Linds all the time, no matter how closely she guards her purse.

Mamarazzi knows that Lindsay is utterly distraught and has been searching tirelessly for that pesky passport. Behold the evidence:

"I can't believe it - Somebody must have stolen my passport! How ever will I get home to fulfill my public duty?"

Photo courtesy of EmptyStreets27

I guess we were supposed to be all surprised when the news broke that Lindsay Lohan has been tapped to play Deep Throat star Linda Lovelace in an upcoming film about the porn star's life.

But frankly, we felt pretty "meh" about it. LiLo to play a porn star? Why are we not surprised?

First of all, how much acting talent is this actually going to require? How much of a stretch (excuse the expression) could this be? It's almost too self-referential--a skanky actress playing a skanky actress.

If she really wants to make us remember the talented girl who starred in Mean Girls and recorded "Daughter to Father," LiLo should reach a bit further in her movie roles. She should channel everything she knows about late night partying, and play Billy Holiday in a remake of Lady Sings the Blues.

OK, maybe she actually is a bit too white to play Billie Holiday. Which leaves us wondering--if LiLo wants to make a biopic as a comeback vehicle, which female performer would be the best fit?