Recently in Lindsay Lohan Category

Today, Mamarazzi celebrates the birth of American freedoms the traditional way, with friends and family.

We'd like to add a sickly waif in need to our family celebrations this year.

Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. You need us. AGAIN. Come stay with the Mamarazzi Mamas and feel free to live the real good life this July 4th.

Feel free to hold an umbrella over the grill chef, because it always thunderstorms right when it's time to roast the weenies.

Feel free to help us make a traditional red, white and blue Jell-O® mold that never sets up properly and ends up in semi-congealed pools on our Chinet®. We slurp it down it anyway.

Feel free to learn our strategies on how not to get impaled in our friendly games of lawn darts.

And feel free to stick to Diet Dr. Pepper®. You'll have to settle for getting your alcohol fix from our Flaming Red, White and Blue Shooter breath.

Photo Montage: TMZ

During his latest Break Like the Wind* stage show, Charlie Sheen said that if he could talk to Lindsay Lohan,

"I would hug her and let her know it's gonna be OK."

Luckily for Lindsay, she wasn't available for a hug. She was in the slammer serving time for violating her parole.

(She's already out on parole--after serving a hefty five-hour sentence--so she's going to have to find another place to hide.)

* Not its real name. Extra points if you recognize the reference.

--
Charlie Sheen's photo courtesy of The National Ledger; Lindsay Lohan's photo courtesy of The Daily Press.

Again, Lindsay swears she's innocent.

Hey, who doesn't walk out of a club at 2:30 AM on a weekday, crumble into a fetal position, face down on a New York City sidewalk, as a joke? Surely, Lindsay caught the paparazzi in a wee hours April Fool's joke, right?

Last night, Lindsay explained, verbatim, on her Facebook page, "Is it not allowed to slip and fall? im always a klutz!!!"

This morning, Lindsay edited her own story, explaining, "I was NOT drinking, nor do I drink! I was with my brother, sister and friends. I was making a joke. They're trying to make something out of nothing. Just because I'm out doesn't mean I'm drinking."

We always trust and believe Lindsay. Who doesn't love NYC so much that they need to kiss the ground outside a crowded bar? Think about that sidewalk's personal hygiene for just one moment and you'll have to agree.

Anyhoo, the camera doesn't lie. Remember this photo of Lindsay from just a few days ago? Maybe Lindsay really isn't drinking. Not that we think she's abstaining: Mamarazzi thinks that her crackhead look may not be just another one of wacky Lindsay's hilarious jokes.

We took one look at this photograph of Lindsay Lohan and practically jumped for joy. Floral minis, black boots--squee! The nineties are obviously back! Thank goodness we never cleaned that far back in our closet. We're sure there's a ditsy-floral dress in there somewhere. And we have a pair of boots just like that! From 1992.

Unfortunately, we also have thighs like that.

Come to think of it--this photograph was taken at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Note to selves: place floral minis and other 1990s memorabilia in daughter's closet and/or daughter's dress-up collection.

Dear Lindsay:

We've just heard that a hair extension manufacturer is suing Paris Hilton for $35 million.

Why? Because Paris didn't fulfill her contractual obligations. She was supposed to 1) wear this manufacturer's extensions and 2) show up at a party promoting them. And she didn't.

Because SHE WAS IN JAIL.

Now, we're not lawyers, but we have a sneaking suspicion that no judge would even let this suit go to trial. Here was Paris, actually being a law-abiding citizen, paying her debt to society, and this silly hair extension party giving company thinks it can cash in on her PAIN and TORMENT. (And how long was she in jail, anyway--nine hours? Girl, that is a HAIKU compared to your sentence.)

So Lindsay, what with the jail time and now rehab--however abbreviated--you have the perfect excuse for not doing whatever you were supposed to do. Which, given your track record, should come in handy. No more "Your honor, I was in Africa working with orphans." You can come right out and say "Your honor, I was IN THE SLAMMER."

Our advice is this: don't waste it.

xxx,
Mamarazzi

p.s. And you might want to think about this: bitch got paid $3.5 million to promote those extensions. Not too shabby, right?

Photo courtesy of PeaceFMOnline.com

In case you've been in a coma for the past few weeks, a Taiwanese TV network has developed a fine teaching tool to educate you on the whole Lohan family drama. Such a wondrous time in which we live.

Or, they report, you decide. And enjoy.

The rest of you can discuss Ellen quitting American Idol and speculate whether J. Lo will actually talk that way when she's on the show.

We're here to praise Nicole Kidman for dyeing her hair red.

Photo courtesy of DListed

First of all, it will inspire Lindsay Lohan to do something in jail other than eat Twizzlers. (Yo Lindsay, you've got some time on your hands ... how about getting rid of that crappy blonde dye job?)

Also, it might provoke an attack of the crazy from Tom Cruise. After all, check out this photo of Katie "Tree Trunks" Holmes. No contest, right?

Photo courtesy of Anthony Dixon/WENN.com

Some families text. Some email. Some even talk face to face. The Lohans communicate via song. Awesome, awesome song.

Seems that Lindsay's about to release a single in which she discusses her family problems; every 14 year old's dream! Except that Lindsay's nearly twice that age and maybe it's time to give it a rest already, hmmm?

BUT! Lindsay's ever-entertaining dad, Michael, has written and produced his own song, sung by a friend (he has friends?) that makes Richard Marx songs sound like punk rock.

Being parents ourselves, we believe that Michael's heart is in the right place. But his head? Where do we begin?

Behold the poignant poetry.

I loved and protected you, I was THERE through it all./I do admit, I did at times fall./But these things you know were due to "THEM"/The ones that want to have a piece of my gem!

"THEM"?!! Giant ants?!!

Oh. He's talking about US. Mean old Mamarazzi.

Hey, if we can be part of the inspiration for fine art, we've done our job. We are proud.

Dina, the things you say, we couldn't ever make up. You're that incredible. Literally.

You know the whole, absurd story about why Dina Lohan doesn't want meal ticket daughter Lindsay to go to jail. We honestly believe that Dina's heart is in the right place but her arguments for why Lindsay mustn't go to jail move us as much as Lindsay's courtroom plea for leniency - "I was working with children *sob* - it wasn't a vacation. *weep*"

Dina says that Lindsay can't go to jail because:

1. "Lindsay is sober and she's fine" Snork.

2. The other inmates will try to kill Lindsay for ultimate street cred. Um, Dina, if Lindsay goes down, so does the California prison system and Judge Revel, L. A. Mayor Villaraigosa, and Gov. Schwwarzzenneggerrr won't let that happen. Then again, we can see Lindsay starring in a movie about gorgeous, crazy, violent, sexy lesbian women behind bars.

3. Lindsay is claustrophobic. Yes, we know. That's why Lindsay spends 90% of her waking hours in claustophobes' nightmare locales, airplanes and dark, crowded, noisy clubs.

But Dina, today we thank you for delivering our punch line for us. You, and we are not making this up, told that pillar of journalistic excellence, In Touch magazine:

"Lindsay actually wants to open up her own rehab center here (in Los Angeles) and a couple across the country to help other kids and celebs so they don't fall through the cracks in this town," Dina said. "She mentioned it to me a couple of days ago. She's really growing up."

No doubt she's taking careful notes in her new rehab center, coincidentally owned by her new (hoo boy) attorney.

This trial was like the Thanksgiving centerpiece on the Lohan's dining room table--a full-to-overflowing Horn of Crazy. Rainbow-colored obscene fingernails? Hysterical crying? Both parents scrambling for interviews? Constantly switching legal representation?

Well, we've figured out why.

Lindsay and her immediate circle are too busy partying and doing drugs to watch TV. If they had watched even half as much TV as the average American, they'd know not to mess with a judge.

Lindsay probably thought Lindsey's judge would be like Lance Ito, the judge on O. J. Simpson's murder trial, whereas 20 minutes of Judge Judy would have taught her different that Ito is the exception that proves the rule. Whisper, giggle, or fidget too much, and you risk being expelled from the courtroom. Make sure you've gone to the powder room before court starts, because potty breaks are up to the judge, too. Everyone stands up when a judge walks into the courtroom. Come on, who else do Americans do that for? Not the President. Not the Pope. Not even Queen Elizabeth II, and we've heard she'd cut a bitch.

Judge Marsha Revel is our new heroine. Watch her sentence Lindsay here: