Recently in Kourtney Kardashian Category

If you're like us, you're probably having a heck of a time telling some of these so-called "stars" apart.

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For example, at first we thought this was J-Lo. Or maybe Emma Caulfield. Then we realized that it's Molly Sims. But hey, everyone's blonde these days. Who can tell them apart?

But then even the brunettes started to confuse us.

See, there used to be one famous brunette. Her name was Kim Kardashian. She was curvy, wore way too much makeup, and dressed like a skank.

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Then she got a reality TV show and we discovered that she has sisters. All pretty much identical: deeply tanned, loaded with makeup, flaunting miles of cleavage.

But then Jersey Shore made its debut.

The Jersey Shore

Frankly, we're glad we don't live in Miami, because right now the sidewalks must be teeming with Kardashian klones sisters and Jersey Shore Guidettes. How can anyone be expected to tell them apart?

We don't mean to brag, but it's easier than you think.

1. Does the skank you've spotted look like something out of a fast-food clamshell? This is key. Snooki reminds us of a Chicken McNugget, whereas the Kardashian sisters look like a bucket of KFC.

Les Trois Kardashian Skanques

2. Once you've established their essential golden brown greasy crispiness, check for hoops. If they're being used to hold a bathing suit together, it's a Kardashian.

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If they're so big, you could use them in the powder room to hold guest towels, you're looking at a Guidette.

Snooki

Famous-for-being-famous Kourtney has moved on to a new career phase. First, she was the older sister of a friend of Paris Hilton's. Then she was on a reality show. Naturally, at some point she made a sex tape. And now, she's pregnant.

Kourtney Kardashian

We read a scanned copy of the September 7th Us magazine to see what Kourtney Kardashian says about being pregnant ... all so that you wouldn't have to. You're welcome.

Kourtney on how she got pregnant:

"I forgot to take the pill for a few days in a row."

Kourtney on how her life will change, now that she's going to be a mother:

"Right before all this took place, Khloé and I went to Miami to be single, crazy girls having fun, focusing on ourselves. I made out with a girl, and I had a great time."

Earth to Kourtney: Try not to confuse reality with a reality show.

Kourtney Kardashian

Kourtney on what it felt like to find out she was pregnant.

"I felt like I had a piano sitting on my chest!"

You do. They're called implants.

Kourtney Kardashian
Photo courtesy of Dlisted.com

On whether she and Scott will get married:

"... there's so much to do with the baby. Planning a wedding right now would be too much."

Which is just one reason why so many of us non-celebutantes get married before we start playing baby roulette with our birth control.

We'll spare you any more snippets of Kourtney's so-called "wisdom." Suffice to say that pregnant doesn't makes her any more interesting or intelligent.

On the other hand, at least she's not Kendra Wilkinson--who kept blathering about being horny, having sex in the car, and wanting to bring her baby to the Playboy Mansion to meet Hef.

You know, being a celebrity snarker is a lot like being a mother. There's an unbelievable amount of sacrifice.

Now please excuse us ... we need to go bleach our brains.

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