And it looks like Ralph Lauren won.
Thank God, because we were getting a little tired of Jon in his pay-per-wear t-shirts. Those things were louder than Bill Cosby's sweaters.
So yay Ralph Lauren. But Jon? Just so you know? A navy blue polo shirt, while slimming, is not a portable liposuction machine.
Jon Gosselin has tasted the sweetness of making an idiot out of himself in front of millions of American reality show fans. He loved being the most despised father in America--at least he did until Tiger Woods shoved him off the cover of People magazine.
So we're not surprised that Jon's been trying to land another show. Why not? We can easily imagine him on something like Lifestyles of Deadbeat Dads, or Me and My Midlife Crisis.
But who would have guessed that he'd try to end up on Project Runway?
Here he is modeling his first entry: a rainbow-colored tutu cunningly made of vinyl backpacks.
What do you think? Fierce? Or a hot tranny mess?
We had resolved to stop making fun of anyone whose last name is Gosselin or Lohan. Instead, we were going to do nice, positive, upstanding things like congratulate Matthew McBongity on the birth of his daughter.
Photo courtesy of X17.com
And you see how long that lasted.
But we don't really feel we're really breaking our resolution, because we're powerless in the face of Jon Gosselin's dead shark eyes. He reminds us of the guy who played Torgo in Manos: The Hands of Fate. We're under his spell, and the proof is our sudden urge to go to Ulta to buy an Ed Hardy fragrance.
(Also, those of you who went to co-ed high schools, does it look like Michael Lohan's teacher asked him to write something on the board, and he has a hard-on and is trying to hide it with the front of his t-shirt?)
ANYWAY. Apparently there are talks underway between these two fame whores. They're planning on having some kind of boxing match.
YAWN. With any luck, they'll be like matter and anti-matter. As soon as one of them manages to land a punch, they'll both disappear.
Did you hear what Jon Gosselin found in his apartment when he got home after Christmas with the kids?
INFphoto.com
His apartment had been ransacked. His clothes, bedding, and furniture had been slashed. Stuff was stolen; stuff was broken. And sticking out of the bedroom dresser? A butcher knife holding a note signed "Hailey Glassman."
Mainstream media will probably attribute the breaking/entering/carving of the word "cheater" in his headboard to a perpretator hired by his ex-girlfriend Hailey.
But responsible news organizations like The National Enquirer and Mamarazzi will probably say it was probably someone who wanted to bring everyone some Christmas cheer! We're picturing Will Ferrell in an Elf suit.
Seriously, though ... it probably would be a good idea to keep the adage about "woman scorned" in mind.
And Tiger? You'd better upgrade your burglar alarms.
Cute girls like to travel in packs. It's the reason sororities exist. It's why we have The Rockettes. It may even be the reason women never seem to be able to go to the bathroom one at a time.
This is because if one cute girl is a sparkler, a group of cute girls is a fireworks display.
Photo courtesy of NY Daily News
Unfortunately, the same is true of douchebags.
Take an Ed Hardy-wearing, hair-plugs sporting cheating reality show dad, stand him next to Bristol Palin's baby daddy, take them to Times Square, dress them in matching peacoats, and what do you have?
A perfect storm of assholiness that threatens to engulf Manhattan.
Yes, Jon and Kate Plus 8 has been canceled. At last, our long national nightmare is over.
Now the Gosselins can move on to the next phase in their careers.
We're not worried about Jon. Ever since he left Kate, he's been is busily preparing for a career as a has-been. Hollywood Squares, Fantasy Island, and The Love Boat don't exist any more. He's already proven how unwatchable he is as a reality TV star. The answer is obviously product endorsements. Jon's already been getting paid to wear Ed Hardy t-shirts,
throw parties in Las Vegas,
and drink milkshakes.
His logical next step? Spokesman for Hair Club for Men.
Speaking of hair, Kate should try celebrity endorsements, too. Perhaps for Fuller Brush.
In fact, Jon and Kate have obviously been inspiring brush manufacturers for quite a while.
(Photo courtesy of D-Listed)
By now you've probably heard how Jon Gosselin withdrew $200,000 from the family checking account, leaving Kate with only $1,000 for household expenses.
Well, we've figured out how Kate can get the money back.
We heard that Steve Carrell's daughter sold lemonade to the paparazzi, and brought home $36 after only a few minutes' work. After that it was easy.
Take $200,000, divide by eight kids, divide by $36 dollars an hour, divide by 24 hours a day, and what do you get? You get the answer to Kate Gosselin's financial problems. You also get 29, which is the number of days of non-stop selling it would take the eight Gosselin kids to make back the $200,000.
And if Carrell's daughter can earn $36 in half an hour from the paltry number of paparazzi assigned to report on the Carrells, how much more can the Gosselin kids bring in? Kate might be able to let them go to bed at night.
And think what interesting episodes it would make. A combination of a Depression-era dance marathon and Oliver Twist.
So Kate, get to it. After all, it's not as if your kids aren't already earning their keep.
(Photo courtesy of Zimbio)
They even have experience!
Pass the Pepto. John Gosselin's at it again. He continues to amaze even jaded old Mamarazzi.
Like you need reminders...
...He moved three hours away from the kids to a tony Manhattan chick magnet bachelor pad.
His catting with the daughter of Kate's plastic surgeon deserves an entire wing in Mamarazzi's Hall o' Fame & Shame.
Jon's girlfriend Hailey Glassman has a long history of attending only the best parties with guys wearing douchey shirts. See below.
She knows how to pose for a mug shot. However, she doesn't know when to stop plucking her eyebrows.
Thank you, Hailey, for providing us with the most amazing literal wasted face plant in history.
Then there was the Summer of Douchey Ed Hardy Shirts.
Fierce shirt!
In perhaps the most bizarre marketing campaign ever, The Ed Hardy Company gave Jon a few pieces of their clothing and asked him to wear them around as very definition of The Ed Hardy Man. Do we really need to continue using words containing "douche"? Naw. We think the overall douchiness is profoundly evident.
Nice pants.
Note the amazingly ironic message on the shirt: Death Before Dishonor. Guffaw!
Now Jon's starting his own clothing line Gosselin Gear. You just know it'll be classy.
So we weren't surprised when yesterday TLC announced that they were dropping Jon from Jon & Kate Plus 8 and renaming the show Kate Plus 8.
And we weren't surprised when, immediately, Jon wanted to retain his paycheck suspend the divorce and tell the world how sorry he is.
And really, we shouldn't have been surprised this morning to learn that Jon's claiming that he wanted out so he can help develop a new reality show, The Divorced Dad's Club...
...With fellow superdad/reality show ho d-bag veteran Michael Lohan.
Oh, and he's trying to suspend filming of Kate Plus 8. Let the wild rumpus start!
Cheez, we've put up with a lot from Jon but we're not sure we can stomach what's to come.
Dear Miss Griffin:
We've checked everything-emails, tweets--even snail mail, for God's sake--and you still haven't applied for the job of Mamarazzi writer.
We can't figure out why you still haven't applied. After all, it's pretty clear we could use the help.
Maybe you're too modest, shy, and self-effacing to pursue a writing career at this prestigious blog. After all, you're an award-winning television star and published author, but not everyone can be a blogger. So we're taking this opportunity to reach out to you.
We think you'd be a good fit with our team. It seems like only yesterday we were reporting on your interview with Levi Johnston. And now you're going after the Gosselins.
George Takei as Jon? Brilliant. Just brilliant. So think about signing on with us. You'd be perfect! And we could all be BFFs 4eva!!!
If you're too busy making book tour appearances and writing Emmy acceptance speeches to become a Mamarazzi staff writer, could you just email us and tell us who your next victim will be?
Because following you around sure beats writing about Charlie Sheen's conspiracy theory.
Love,
Your Number One Fans
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