Recently in Jennifer Lopez Category

Not that we've hated being at home all these years--we've loved it, we've been there for all the important milestones, it's such a privilege, etc. etc.

But we just got wind of a job opening. And it sounds like we'd be perfect. And it pays $55,000/year, which sure beats what we're getting as blogging SAHMs.

And it's being J-Lo's assistant! Squee!1!!!!

Photo courtesy of Deceiver.com

And the job would be a piece of cake. Our source included the following job requirements:

The job is 6 days a week, at least 12 hour days with one day off, but you may not get off for weeks. You'll be on call 24/7 and you've got to be organized and always on point.

Hello? This pretty much describes our lives.

You have to change diapers, work on little sleep and cook if the butler is away.

Check, check, and butler? There would be a butler?

You have to know when J. Lo has her snack time. She won't say she's hungry, you're just expected to have food waiting.

Pfft! Please. Anyone who's taken care of a toddler knows you always have food handy. You haven't passed Motherhood 101 until you're can decant Cheerios into baggies at lightning speed, not to mention cope with that whole waiting-for-dinner-to-show-up restaurant situation. We're confident that once J-Lo has eaten the contents of the bread basket, we could divert her with our big shiny soup spoon. Also, we always pack some crayons and paper. We're PROFESSIONALS, people.

Oh, and a perk? Would be helping J-Lo get ready for the Oscars. Now, Ms. Lopez might have a reputation for being a diva, but anyone who has lived through a daughter's first period while battling her own hot flashes can handle J-Lo's moods.

No, we think the most challenging part of the job will be having to be up close and personal with Mr. J-Lo's so-called "fashion sense."

Seraphina Affleck's reaction to Daddy's old girlfriend's newest single (and name!) is strikingly similar to our own.

Thank God for J-Lo. She discovered how to get her figure back after she had her babies, and she's willing to share.

So what are her secrets?

She says she had to "diet and work out a lot."

What brilliance! What an epiphany! Alert the Nobel committee!

But actually ... we don't think it was really that simple. In fact, we have a different theory.

Remember how scrawny Marc Anorexic looked when J Lo was pregnant and looking a little not-size-zero-ish?

Well, Skeletor is actually looking half-way decent these days.

OK, except for the clothes. The point is now that J-Lo's back in shape, Mark Anorexic is actually looking pretty good not quite as scary.

So that whole "diet and exercise" story of J-Lo's? Complete nonsense. Everyone knows that diet and exercise don't work. That's just her cover story.

Obviously, they lipo'd the fat off of J-Lo and shot it into Skeletor.

But, it's still kind of awesome.

"Although they renewed their wedding vows a mere 3 months ago, J.Lo and Marc Anthony are apparently headed for splitsville... and they're going to formally announce their separation right after Marc’s show at Madison Square Garden on Feb. 14,” a friend of the couple tells us. “Jennifer is planning on joining Marc onstage for a surprise duet. Things haven’t been right for a while now, and they thought it would be a bittersweet farewell.”

Mamarazzi finds it hard to imagine anything tackier... but, it does keep in the spirit of all things Lopez.

NYDailyNews

DON'T FORGET TO BECOME A FAN OF MAMARAZZI OVER ON OUR NEW FACEBOOK SITE!

So last March she sold pictures of Max and Emma to People magazine.

And now, six million dollars later, she shows us this:

We don't know about you, but things don't look too well set up from where we're sitting.

Jennifer, honey, even if the stock market is tanking, we still think you can afford a better bra.

That Playtex 18-hour number is dirt cheap and looks it.

In what can only be seen as a new low for stupid, apparently, Max and Emme, (no, not the Dragon Tail Twins, the other Max and Emme,) never wear anything twice.

Because J. Lo is germaphobic.

Mamarazzi thinks Jenny From The Block has lost her fucking mind her way.

Experts say that one way to shed those pesky post-pregnancy pounds is to have a diet buddy. You know, lose weight with a friend. Maybe even competing a little to see who can get skinniest.

Look at how skinny Jennifer Lopez has gotten! We mean, who else is that svelt four months after the birth of twins?

*

*

*

*

Yipe! Marc Anthony wins! Dude, trust us when we say the competition's over!

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry named their new daughter Nahla Ariela Aubry.

Lovely name. But it reminds us of Disney movie characters...

Nala, Simba's girlfriend/wife/mother of the next Lion King in The Lion King and...

Ariel, The Little Mermaid.

Interestingly, this comes on the heels of Jennifer Lopez & Skeletor's twins Emme & Max, which, as we've noted before, are frighteningly close to...

Dragon Tales' Emmy & Max.

Now it looks like Angelina & Brad are expecting twins too, a girl and a boy.

We shudder to think that they'll follow this disturbing trend and name their kids...

Pebbles & Bam-Bam or...

Belle & Beast or...

Lilo & Stitch.

HEY FELLOW SNARKERS! BY POPULAR DEMAND, WE'RE EXTENDING THE "YOUR SNARK HERE" CONTEST THROUGH FRIDAY! Enter as many times as you like. We'll pick a winner on Saturday morning, March 22 (SarahO's birthday, hint hint).

Photos: D-Listed and Perez Hilton

Knowing it matters to you, dear reader, we kept up our exhaustive investigation to find out the names of Jennifer Lopez's still-unseen baby twins.
The little scamps are named Emme and Max. You know, just like the annoying brother and sister whiners on PBS's Dragon Tales show.

Still no word on the names of Christina Aguilera's frequently aired twins, though.

Jennifer Lopez' twins (shown above in Mamarazzi's EXCLUSIVE photo) have it rough. It's not easy keeping up with Katie Kate Cruise and little Suri, fashionwise. Not one to be bested, Jen made some interesting choices on her Petit Tresor baby registry.

If you want to know what Mamarazzi's sending the Lopez-Anthony family, put your curser over the photo below.

Jenny From the Hood's choices included matching cashmere cardigan, hat and pants sets for her twins, a steal at $279 each.

If you choose to send Jen a less pricey gift, feel free to consider the onesie set for a mere $169

Jen's such a rookie mom! She didn't realize that newborns are adorably packaged digestive systems. Think about it: New parents' lives are devoted to putting things into their babies' digestive systems and dealing with what spurts out the other end. You know what we're talking about.

One up-the-back diaper mess and we're willing to bet a $1,250 diaper bag those outfits go straight into the jewel-encrusted Diaper Genie.