Please skip ahead to 4:00 in the video and know Mamarazzi is firmly Team Grandma.
Recently in Gwyneth Paltrow Category
Gwyneth, STOP! Your new cookbook, My Father's Daughter doesn't make cooking obscure healthy food irresistibly fun and easy, it makes snarking you irresistibly fun and easy. AGAIN.
Seriously, you may be the etherial, lovely person you want us to believe you are, so we won't extend our claws on you. We'll let photos and quotes from your book do almost all the talking.
Gwyneth's not only got more famous dear friends than you do, they're more literate.
As you can see by the emptiness of her distant eyes, sniffing cherry tomatoes hypnotizes Gwyneth.
NOTE: Gwyneth NEVER looks at the food. Never.
Here's the happy housewife and kids, appropriately dressed in white cotton and linen for snarfing healthier-than-yours blueberry muffins. 'Cause, you know blueberries don't stain people who can't even bring themselves to look at the food.
"The stove is really the epicenter of my house -- I am never far away from it and most of the time there is something atop it, simmering away for my family."
Also, you'd better stop staring into foodless space again and watch your kids' perfectly groomed toes around that pasta crimper.
Here's Gwyneth with the woman who's doing most of the Paltrow/Martin household cooking. May we add, hairnet, please!
"In the last ten years or so, cooking has become my main ancillary passion in life."
"I am constantly thinking about ways to give my children something filled with as much nutritional value as possible."
And oh, Gwyn, we can't help but mention that people with eating disorders obsess over food.
We think this photo sums it all up: Gwyneth and her people have worked long and hard to develop a truly gorgeous cookbook full of fantasy food that's made of obscure ingredients that nobody outside the culinary community can find, and which Gwyneth won't eat anyway.
Like Gwyneth herself, it's pretty but absolutely and unnecessarily false. Please, get real. And please get some help with your food issues.
Photos: Amazon.com
Photo: Matt Jones/courtesy of Elle magazine
...And that's what makes you great.
Today's edition of Gwyneth's online newsletter, GOOP, tells us what couture fashion trends to follow along with helpful advice such as:
"P.S., get on this (stripes) trend right away, because NEXT season is all about the polka dot!"
Mamarazzi Rule Number One: Any time Gwyneth drops her dear friend designer and Beatle daughter Stella McCartney's name, run like hell!
Mamarazzi Rule Number Two: If an outfit makes the model look overweight, run like hell!
Mamarazzi Rule Number Three: About polka dots: Unless you're under 10 years old, or Lucille Ball circa 1958, run like hell!
"The It-bag is now the Was-bag."
Yes! While maneuvering and corralling two small children and an oversized shopping cart through the Target parking lot, we can surely find a spare hand and the mindfulness to keep hold of our iPad clutch.
"This spring, one can lean towards high heel sandals with kick but without having to lean against something for balance."
We'll stick with our sensible clogs.
But we must give Gwyneth credit where due: We all remember that she's learned about impossible heels the hard way. Skip to 1:45, when Gwyn makes her wobbly and downright scary stairway entrance. We count at least four near face plants overall, despite Gwyn's desperately grabbing the piano with hopes that it will hold her up.
All fashion photos: Tommy Ton / trunkarchive.com
We confess: Gwyneth Paltrow makes us squirm.
It's not that she's gone all British with her creepy husband. It's not her capable yet soulless singing. It's not even that she weighs less than we did at age 10. Not that we're jealous or anything.
In real life, Gwyneth looks pretty scary working out sans fards. Maybe it's because of her diet and exercise guru's regimen:
- 4 ounces sweet potato and corn pudding - pureed
- 8 ounces blueberry apple sauce - pureed - with 3 cups green tea
- Kale, spinach, beetroot and apple juice with 3 glasses of water
- 11 ounces gazpacho soup - pureed
- 8 ounces carrot and parsnip - pureed
- 1 cup green tea
- more green tea as needed
- 8 ounces chicken protein soup
- 4 ounces chocolate with chestnuts and dates - pureed
- Oh, did we mention 3 hours of exercise per day?
If we went on this diet, we'd hallucinate. We suggest that somebody hide Gwyneth's deliciously named daughter, Apple.
Gwyneth, please. We get it. You can sing. But honey, no.
You went to a fancy prep school. You won the Oscar for Best Actress. You star in adaptations of motherf曮ing Jane Austen novels. So we can't imagine how the following elevator pitch worked on you:
OK, we'll have Cee Lo sitting at a big shiny mirrored piano, wearing crazy body armor, a few bushels of brightly colored feathers, and rose-colored glasses. His musicians and back-up singers will be ... wait for it ... the Muppets! It'll be an homage to Elton John's performance of "Crocodile Rock" on The Muppet Show back in 1978.OK, then Gwyneth comes down a steep flight of stairs dressed in a skin-tight black jumpsuit like the one Olivia Newton John wore in Grease, which coincidentally enough, also came out in 1978.
In tonight's performance, the role of Sandy will be played by a Madame Alexander doll.Except Gwyneth will be wearing long pink feather earrings, last seen on fashionable disco dancers in ... 1978.
It'll be killer!
Whoever talked you into this must have forgotten to mention that recordings of your hugely embarrassing performance will be kicking around the internet for ... say ... 33 years.
Admittedly, Cee Lo should be even more embarrassed. But watching you teeter down the stairs in those ridiculous shoes was painful. We keep thinking you'd wipe out like the guy on the ski jump on ABC's Wide World of Sports. Yes, circa 1978--why do you ask?
At this point, we can't imagine that Sir Elton feels good about his Muppet Show performance. And the baby he just adopted is probably already cringing.
At any rate, as of Sunday night more proof that Gwyneth Paltrow can indeed sing was posted on YouTube.
Mental Readers, if you missed the Grammys and have a bottomless appetite for cheese, here you go:
Don't say we didn't warn you.
Think we're kidding? Check out Gwyneth Paltrow's cover version of "Purple Rain" in the upcoming Glee episode that pays tribute to Prince.
OK, we're kidding. Gwyneth will actually be performing a medley of Rihanna's "Umbrella" and "Singin' in the Rain."
And yes, OK. We're repeating ourselves. We've already made fun of the idea of Gwyneth singing--although at the time, we said that if Gwyneth was good enough for Glee, she was good enough for us.
We've re-thought the matter, and decided that Gwyneth Paltrow needs to leave our favorite television show alone. Gwyneth's appearance as a guest star means that Glee has jumped the shark. A big, fat GOOPy shark.
Because seriously, who's next? At this rate, all our favorite snark targets are going to end up as guest stars. Glee already did an episode honoring Madonna, and Britney Spears made a cameo appearance this season.
Glee fans, stick with us and save yourself a ton of trouble. Want to know who's going to guest-star? Just check here. Anyone we regularly mock is probably going to end up on the show.
With our luck, Levi Johnston will be next.
In a performance that's likely to be as cringe-worthy as Britney Spears's 2007 MTV Video Music Awards debacle, Gwyneth Paltrow has been scheduled to perform the title song of her upcoming movie, Country Strong, at next month's Country Music Awards.
It's not that we think Gwyneth can't sing. Hey, if she's good enough for Glee, she's good enough for us.
No, we're programming our DVRs to record every second of Gwynnie's performance simply because the idea of her singing country? Is almost as funny as the idea of her singing rap.
Come on, Gwyneth. You're a second-generation Hollywood princess with a prep-school education, a rock star husband, and a blog where you shill $675 sweatpants for your BFF Stella McCartney.
We could totally see you in a LifeTime biopic. How about Control Freak: The Life of Martha Stewart. Or maybe Born to be a Princess: The Grace Kelly Story.
We just can't see you in what sounds like a remake of Coal Miner's Daughter. And even if you can act the part ... please don't try to sing it.
We really don't have a problem with Gwynnie's blog. Sure, this is a woman whose helpful Christmas gift-buying ideas are to buy Hermes watches or Tiffany cufflinks. So we are not surprised to see her cooking at her billion-burner stove (with built-in indoor grill.)
But shrimp tacos? Seriously? Does the girl not even know what a "fish taco" is?
Gwyneth, the clue phone is ringing, and we think it's for you.
Photo courtesy of DListed
So apparently, over at GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow's unintentionally hilarious blog, she's explaining that an emergency five-day crash diet of kale purée and blueberries got her camera-ready for Iron Man II.
First of all: poor Gwynnie. A five-day diet? We weep for you.
Second, the results of this five-day diet can be seen in Iron Man II, where Gwyneth spends most of her screen time sitting, either at a desk or in a limo, quarreling with Robert Downey, Jr. Occasionally she gets up and teeters around in a pair of insanely high heels. OK, her dresses are kind of short, so maybe the blueberries and kale were worth it.
But really, Gwyneth--everyone was really looking at Scarlett Johannson. Including the people at Entertainment Weekly, who managed to keep you off the cover.
So you might as well break down and have something to eat.
P.S. Gwynnie? "Formal shorts" is an oxymoron. We never want to see you wearing them again.
Just when you think reality television can't get any more unreal, our friends from across the pond unveil a brand new series, I'm Hotter Than My Daughter.
Where would anyone get the notion that being sexier and more desirable than their daughters is the goal of any mother?!
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