We really don't have a problem with Gwynnie's blog. Sure, this is a woman whose helpful Christmas gift-buying ideas are to buy Hermes watches or Tiffany cufflinks. So we are not surprised to see her cooking at her billion-burner stove (with built-in indoor grill.)
But shrimp tacos? Seriously? Does the girl not even know what a "fish taco" is?
Gwyneth, the clue phone is ringing, and we think it's for you.
Photo courtesy of DListed
So apparently, over at GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow's unintentionally hilarious blog, she's explaining that an emergency five-day crash diet of kale purée and blueberries got her camera-ready for Iron Man II.
First of all: poor Gwynnie. A five-day diet? We weep for you.
Second, the results of this five-day diet can be seen in Iron Man II, where Gwyneth spends most of her screen time sitting, either at a desk or in a limo, quarreling with Robert Downey, Jr. Occasionally she gets up and teeters around in a pair of insanely high heels. OK, her dresses are kind of short, so maybe the blueberries and kale were worth it.
But really, Gwyneth--everyone was really looking at Scarlett Johannson. Including the people at Entertainment Weekly, who managed to keep you off the cover.
So you might as well break down and have something to eat.
P.S. Gwynnie? "Formal shorts" is an oxymoron. We never want to see you wearing them again.
Just when you think reality television can't get any more unreal, our friends from across the pond unveil a brand new series, I'm Hotter Than My Daughter.
Where would anyone get the notion that being sexier and more desirable than their daughters is the goal of any mother?!
Yes, this is the Gwyneth we remember. Young, free, flat, and unfettered by underwear.
And we thought she'd never change. Whether it was the classic chicken cutlet Oscar dress fiasco of 2002
Or the new-and-improved pregnancy version
it felt like things would never change.
So no one was more surprised than us when we saw the latest paparazzi picture of her.
Isn't it amazing to see how our Gwyneth has grown and developed over the years?
Image courtesy of The Sun
She just needs to learn that the bra goes under the clothes.
Dear Fishsticks,
What's with this GOOP thing you're doing? Are you becoming the Martha Stewart of has-been movie stars?
We think you should skip the cooking videos and the three-weeks-of-fasting entries and just become a mommyblogger.
Think about it. Mommyblogging seems to be the natural next step in your career. How long has it been since you won an Oscar?
Exactly.
You'd be a natural doing reviews. You're already sharing your inside knowledge--who knew that the Ritz in Paris was actually a good hotel? Until you mentioned it, we don't think anyone had ever heard of it.
And you'd be great at BlogHer. What's all that detoxing and fitness good for if you can't whack Madonna's latest adopted baby on the head to get at the swag bags?
But you're going to have to work on your mommy blogging skills. No more sweetness and light about giving away wonderful free information. No more raving about your "amazing, super, fortunate life." You need to get a lot more cranky and self-pitying.
Start by whining about how confusing it is to be half-Jewish and half-English. Blog something nasty about Scarlett Johansson for upstaging you in Iron Man 2. Bitch about having to go live in Beverly Hills when you'd rather be in New York. If you can manage it, have your husband's career tank.
At that point, all you need is some Ad-Sense ads, and you'll have it made!
Before you know it, you'll be the keynote speaker at BlogHer10.
Gwyneth Paltrow has given yet another interview in which she once again tells the world that she is better than all the rest of us. And this time she says it in fluent Spanish.
Photo courtesy of Yahoo Images.
Gwynnie, the Mamas have a special message just for you:
Dios! Tu heres una estupida cabrona. Vas a callarte? *
* "God! You are a stupid bitch. Will you shut up?"
Thanks to Insultmonger.com for helping the Mamas get their bilingual shit together.
Dear Gwyneth,
We here at Mamarazzi think you have pretty hair. We also think you have beautiful children and a talented husband.
We've even liked some of your movies ... The Talented Mr. Ripley comes to mind ... all those skirts and head scarves ... lovely!
However, we're not so keen on this new website of yours. Mostly because we find it a bit, shall we say, obnoxious, of you to think that you would be our go-to gal for "nourishing our inner aspect".
For starters, we aren't quite sure we have an inner aspect. Is it near the G-spot?
Also, "the recipe you made up this week"? Is it homemade pizza which needs to be baked in an outdoor wood burning oven?
Finally, "I love being in spaces that are clean and feel nice."
Do you consider that a radical statement?
Oh, Gwynnie, we've just realized where your Inner Aspect is located ... and it's nothing a high colonic can't cure.
xoxo,
Mamarazzi
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photo - flixster.com
Ooooh... photography as ART.
Or, Gwyneth Paltrow helping a rat drink from a sippy cup.
wtf?
Seriously, didn't you think this was Mariel Hemingway?
Question: What do you get when you combine an Apple with a banana peel?
Answer:
“No McDonald’s. Never. Over my dead body,”
Hmmm... methinks the fair Gwyneth should lighten the f**ck up...
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