This is Ryan. He made movies and he was hot.

Hot! Hot! Hot!
His movies made women swoon and cry.
This is Ryan with wife Leigh Taylor Young and first son, Patrick.
Leigh made movies too.
They were happy!
Happy! Happy! Happy!

Then they got all sad and divorced.
Today Leigh is a minister in the Movement for Spiritual Inner Awareness.
Can you say "New Age Psychobabble"?
Patrick is a studio host for Fox Sports Net in LA.
He never mentions who his famous daddy is.
Handsome Ryan started dating again.
He dated lots and lots of pretty and famous women.
Women like: Barbara Streisand, Melanie Griffith, Diane VonFurstenberg, Bianca Jagger and Diana Ross.
Ryan fell in love with an actress named Joanna Moore.
They got married and had two babies: Tatum and Griffin.

Tatum starred with daddy Ryan in the movie "Paper Moon".
When Tatum got older, she said her daddy beat her.
Dick! Dick! Dick!
But she was addicted to drugs, so no one really knows.
She married John McEnroe who was famous for throwing things and having fits on the tennis court.
Sports dick! Sports dick! Sports dick!

They got divorced too.
(You might know Tatum as the annoying hostess in Sex and the City who made everyone take off their shoes.)
Griffin was in movies too.

Like his sister, Tatum, he had a drug problem.
Bad, bad, bad!
Once when Griffin was high, he crashed a boat and killed Francis Ford Coppola's son.
He also has been charged with drunk driving and shot up an ex-girlfriend's car.
This weekend, Griffin went to his daddy's house for a friendly visit, only it went bad when Ryan shot at him.
Bang, bang, bang!
We wonder if former Charlie's Angel, Farrah Fawcett was there.

Farrah and Ryan have been together off and on for seventeen years.
Tatum says Ryan beat Farrah too, but Farrah won't say.
Farrah and Ryan never married because Farrah aways said, "No!"
No, no, no!
She didn't say no to everything; they had a son named Redmond.
Redmond started doing drugs when he was 13.
He keeps getting in trouble and is still a heroin addict.
Sad, sad, sad.
Ryan and Farrah broke up, but Ryan had leukemia and Farrah helped him.

Recently, Farrah was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer in an embarrassing place.
(Do you know what anal means?)
Ryan moved Farrah into his house so he could take care of her.
Nice! Nice! Nice!
Today, Ryan is in remission and Farrah has been declared cancer-free.
Hooray, something happy for the Christmas card letter!
We are sadly sure that this is not the end of the O'Neal saga.
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