Recently in Dina Lohan Category

Dina, the things you say, we couldn't ever make up. You're that incredible. Literally.

You know the whole, absurd story about why Dina Lohan doesn't want meal ticket daughter Lindsay to go to jail. We honestly believe that Dina's heart is in the right place but her arguments for why Lindsay mustn't go to jail move us as much as Lindsay's courtroom plea for leniency - "I was working with children *sob* - it wasn't a vacation. *weep*"

Dina says that Lindsay can't go to jail because:

1. "Lindsay is sober and she's fine" Snork.

2. The other inmates will try to kill Lindsay for ultimate street cred. Um, Dina, if Lindsay goes down, so does the California prison system and Judge Revel, L. A. Mayor Villaraigosa, and Gov. Schwwarzzenneggerrr won't let that happen. Then again, we can see Lindsay starring in a movie about gorgeous, crazy, violent, sexy lesbian women behind bars.

3. Lindsay is claustrophobic. Yes, we know. That's why Lindsay spends 90% of her waking hours in claustophobes' nightmare locales, airplanes and dark, crowded, noisy clubs.

But Dina, today we thank you for delivering our punch line for us. You, and we are not making this up, told that pillar of journalistic excellence, In Touch magazine:

"Lindsay actually wants to open up her own rehab center here (in Los Angeles) and a couple across the country to help other kids and celebs so they don't fall through the cracks in this town," Dina said. "She mentioned it to me a couple of days ago. She's really growing up."

No doubt she's taking careful notes in her new rehab center, coincidentally owned by her new (hoo boy) attorney.

Hey, when we make a mistake, we're not too big to apologize--if you can avoid acting like an idiot for at least a week. Dina Lohan, we're looking at you.

A week ago we said that Dina Lohan was being idiotic when she claimed that Lindsay hadn't been drinking when her SCRAM went off at the MTV Movie Awards.

Well, we've since found out that on the night in question, Linday's urine tested negative for alcohol.

We felt bad for making fun of Dina Lohan. For about 15 seconds. Because we just found out that she tried to take advantage of a celebrity perk given to Lindsay and Ali by the Carvel company.

It seems that in honor of their 75th anniversary, Carvel issued 75 special black cards that allow the card owner to take home $25 worth of ice cream a week for the next 75 years. Carvel gave two of them to the Lohan girls.

Pretty great, right? Imagine if you had one. Sure, you'd weigh 400 pounds, but hey, free ice cream!

Except the card is non-transferable. That's how Carvel protects themselves. They probably figured that real celebrities have work to do that takes them away from the nearest Carvel stores. Like they're filming one of the Lord of the Rings movies, and they're spending months pretending to be a Hobbit in New Zealand. Or they're filming a biopic about Linda Lovelace and they're on their knees somewhere learning how to ... never mind.

The point is, the cards aren't transferable. Because otherwise, the unemployed and greedy parents of celebrities would try to get free cakes.

Which is exactly what Dina did.

According to Dina:

The shop assistant said, 'Do you have I.D.?' Next minute he he grabbed my arm and took my card and held it hostage and wouldn't give me the cake! This guy was crazy! I couldn't believe this guy... it's a family card, it just didn't have my name on it. Next minute, four cop cars showed up, there's a police helicopter over head and this guy makes it seem to the cops that I'm trying to use a stolen credit card -- and for what? Over a free ice cream?! He wouldn't give it back... not even to the cops! Finally he gave up and gave me my card back. But he told me, 'You can have the card, but you can't have the cake!' It just shows how we get treated so much worse than regular people. Just wait until Lindsay and Ali hear about this. When Ali gets back, I'm going to bring her in everyday to this store -- and you can print that!

And Carvel fired back with the following:

As part of Carvel's 75th Anniversary celebration last year, we issued 75 Black Cards to celebrities. These cards were issued in the celebrity's name and require the card holder to be present at the time of use. Many celebrities have enjoyed their cards at our Carvel Ice Cream shoppes and have shared their excitement with being included in the celebration.

Unfortunately, the Lohan family has been abusing the card. While the card was issued in Lindsay and Ali's names only, her extended family has repeatedly used the card without either present. At first, we graciously honored their requests while explaining that the Black Card was not a carte blanche for unlimited Carvel Ice Cream for the extended Lohan family and friends. After more than six months of numerous and large orders for ice cream, we finally had to cut off the card and take it back.

Dina Lohan reacted badly and called the police to have her card returned. The police responded and did return the card to Dina with instructions not to use it again.

This is an unfortunate situation where certain people feel entitled to use a celebrity's name for their own purposes. We regret that the Lohan family is upset and hope this matter is put behind us quickly.

Stay classy, Dina!

Singer Brandy on the parenting style she's using on her seven-year-old daughter :

"I love being a mom and I'm raising her in a different way than how I was raised. Some things that my mom did with me, I do with my daughter -- it's just a different dynamic. I would love for people to see how I'm doing it because I think I could be a good example of a young, single mom."

"A lot of mothers feel like they're the mom first, with that authority. But for me, I'm a friend first. I believe that just being there for my daughter as a friend more than 'I'm in charge...' causes her to be more open with me as a person. That's just what our relationship is. Of course, there are times when I have to discipline her -- I'm mom. But there's still that nurturing and love there that we have. I know I'll probably get flack for being a friend first, but it really works. She's really honest with me. I'm just teaching her how to trust herself. I tell her all the time that my life is not your life -- you have your own life."

"At the end of the day we're going to be friends. When she grows up, it'll be about that friendship that we'll have. She'll come to me for any problems that she has. If I have an authoritative wall up, she's going to rebel and not come to me and I don't want that."

Denial, thy name is Dina Lohan. (Actually, Big Fat Headline-Hogging Idiot is more accurate, but even we'll admit that's a bit of a mouthful.)

See, since May 24th, Lindsay Lohan has been wearing a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. A SCRAM (or secure continuous remote alcohol monitor) measures blood alcohol level through perspiration on the skin. Not much of a fashion statement, but a pretty effective deterrent, right?

Two ways to conceal a SCRAM: wear something so low-cut that it deflects attention towards your enormous chest freckles ...

Except that after the MTV Movie awards on June 8th, Lindsay's SCRAM bracelet showed that she'd been drinking.

So what happens? Lindsay claims somebody spilled a drink down her leg. Which is ridiculous. A SCRAM is designed to measure the way the body metabolizes alcohol, and a spilled drink would measure as a sudden, dramatic, and obvious spike in the readings.

. ... and wear pants that are so long, they're almost in China. (Photo courtesy of MTV.com)

Not to mention the fact that Lindsay was wearing pants--maybe the world's longest pair. But that didn't stop Dina from backing Lindsay's story to the hilt:

She was at the MTV Awards and somebody spilled a drink on her leg, which must have set off the SCRAM bracelet. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn't have to wear the bracelet in the first place. She is doing absolutely fine.

Sometimes we have a slow news day around here, so we debated the idea of having one of us wear a Secure Continuous Remote Asshat Monitor. How great would that be? Every time a celebrity did something mockable, we'd hear about it right away.

But then we realized it would go off every time Dina Lohan opened her mouth.

Just when you think reality television can't get any more unreal, our friends from across the pond unveil a brand new series, I'm Hotter Than My Daughter.

Where would anyone get the notion that being sexier and more desirable than their daughters is the goal of any mother?!

Oh, for heaven's sake. Now Lindsay Lohan's mom is blaming Lindsay's downward spiral on Heath Ledger. Dina said, "His death f***** her up." Oh, it is soooo easy to blame it on the dead guy.

In all fairness, even Dina Lohan knows that parenting is immensely difficult and that nothing is simple or clear-cut. No matter how hard you try, kids can go wrong. No wonder that when kids go bad, it's so easy to fish for blame.

Of course, Mamarzzi's always here to help. We're moms too, so we offer up some easy-peasy blame-worthy influences.



Blame Franklin D. Roosevelt for repealing the Prohibition, allowing Lindsay to reign as queen of the club scene while still in her teens.



Blame Dr. Timothy Leary for popularizing, even urging recreational drug use and the "Tune in, turn on, drop dead out" philosophy. Because who knows better than a nutty professor?

Blame It On The Rain. Or Milli Vanilli, at the very least. Because, well, we're not above going for the easy silly joke.

We've blogged before about Courtney Love's habit of ranting unintelligibly on twitter--going off on a wide variety of targets, including Hole band mates, financial mismanagement, and the military/industrial complex.

And now her daughter Frances Bean just delivered a major twitslap^TM to Ali Lohan for no reason. At least, not one we can figure out.

On the left, Frances Bean Cobain. On the right, Ali Lohan. Photo courtesy of The Sun.

(OK, the dress is heinous. A little black dress with lace cut-outs is inappropriate evening wear for a 15 year old. That's the kind of dress we'd expect to see on the likes of Megan Fox. But Alli's a 15-year-old Lohan. We don't expect her to go out at night wearing a cute little dress from Nordstrom's Brass Plum.)

What did Frances Bean tweet? Glad you asked:

This is my open letter to Ali Lohan.

Your (sic) not entitled to anything simply because your sister has a recognisable (sic) name.

Your idea of fame isn't fame. It's infamy. You want to be famous? Work your a** off and make decisions that could potentially catapult your career into a lasting one.

Notoriety for who you are and notoriety for the work you produce are two completely different things.

I understand that you have been brought up in an environment where the idea of fame is easily achievable but, that's not an excuse.

You lack the talent, social understanding and credibility to be anything other then infamous.

Your career choices, thus far, will transcend a future career as someone who attempted to be famous, but never quite achieved it.

I recognize that I might come across as harsh and no, I don't personally know you, but its the actions that you take, that speak for you.

You blatantly don't care how your (sic) recognized, its (sic) the objective to get famous and that is what makes you replaceable and a recycled idea.

Well, I'm ashamed to have to be grouped into the same category of person as you.

I would rather die a most painful death the (sic) be associated with the kind of career your (sic) trying to make for yourself.

I hope I'm wrong because generally I'm not a very judgmental person, but in the case of you, that is MY entitlement.

And now it looks like both Courtney and Frances have deleted their twitter accounts. Which is a shame, at least as far as Frances is concerned. For one thing, her grammar, spelling, and punctuation are better than 90 percent of the material on the web. They're almost as good as ours.

Also? We were hoping Dina Lohan would step in to defend Ali. We wee picturing an epic Courtney Love/Dina Lohan smackdown, and frankly, the idea that it'll never take place is making us weep a little bit.

Lindsay went on Ellen to tell the world she was feeling down, but she really didn't need to.

We could tell just by looking at her.

(N. B. to Dina Lohan: Don't you think it's time you had her fitted for a training bra?)

We're completely serious. Someone has to save that poor girl from her publicity-crazed relatives.

You've already heard that Michael Lohan has "freed up" his "busy schedule" so that he can spend quality time with his daughter. Other sources tells us that Ma Lohan and little sister Alli are hanging out with Lindsay to "support" her. Now Grandma Lohan wants to get in on the act.

Well, frankly, we think what Lindsay needs is a break from those publicity crackheads.

And so, Mamarazzi grants custody of Lindsay to ... Stevie Nicks.

Stevie Nicks survived the seventies and eighties and kicked her own cocaine habit. She's selling out concert arenas and doing just fine, thanks.

Rumors that Lindsay Lohan has been wanting to star in a bio pic about Stevie Nicks have been swirling around for years. Well, right now, Lindsay is desperate for a come-back. A bio pic like Walk the Line would be perfect.

The problem is Stevie isn't interested. As quoted in Thursday's New York Times:

Lindsay Lohan hopes to buy the rights to [Nick's] life story and to play her on film. Unmoved, Ms. Nicks responded: "Over my dead body. She needs to stop doing drugs and get a grip. Then maybe we'll talk."

See? Sounds realistic. Strict. Not a word about "support."

If you ask us, she's perfect foster grandmother material.

Sometimes the facts snark for themselves: Dina Lohan has received a "Top Mom" of the year award.

Mingling Moms gave the award to 20 Long Isand, NY stage moms for their "behind the scenes" contributions to their children's "tremendous careers."

Dina's introduction included, "Dina is such a dedicated mom. Through all the ups and downs of Lindsay, she has been by her side." Yes, we recall Dina at Lindsay's side doing Jell-o shooters at Dina's favorite club, Butter. Many, many times.

As far as we know, only attention crazed Dina Dearest showed. Like we expected Billy Joel's thousand year old mom to make the prestigious event.

And to show that she's just as good a daughter as she is a mom, Dina took the photo op to show her love by strangling her own mother.

photos: Wenn, Wireimage