Recently in Charlie Sheen Category

During his latest Break Like the Wind* stage show, Charlie Sheen said that if he could talk to Lindsay Lohan,

"I would hug her and let her know it's gonna be OK."

Luckily for Lindsay, she wasn't available for a hug. She was in the slammer serving time for violating her parole.

(She's already out on parole--after serving a hefty five-hour sentence--so she's going to have to find another place to hide.)

* Not its real name. Extra points if you recognize the reference.

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Charlie Sheen's photo courtesy of The National Ledger; Lindsay Lohan's photo courtesy of The Daily Press.

If you have a tiny, guilty desire to check out Charlie Sheen's live show--but feel too ambivalent to actually act on it--we've just solved your problem.

We've just heard that a bunch of suits at Fox met with Sheen last week to talk about putting him at the helm of a talk show. Which means that you might get the chance to hear Charlie Sheen spout his opinions for free.

At first we thought there was no way this could happen. What advertisers would want to be linked to Charlie Sheen?

Then we remembered about Viagra. And Hair Club for Men.

So think about it. Charlie Sheen. Five nights a week. Unscripted.

We can't decide whether weep for the state of American society--or zap a bag of Butter Blast and pull up a chair.

It's tempting to ignore the whole Charlie-Sheen-Imploding-In-Front-Of-Our-Faces thing, because a) Mamarazzi is pretty sure Two and Half Men sucks rotten eggs and its audience will be just fine moving on to a better sitcom like Raising Hope, and b) another entitled asshole behaving like an asshole is, frankly, exhausting.

However, we're only human, and eventually we had to drink the Kool-Ade.

These little gems are from Charlie's interview with Piers Morgan:

I've been riding it on a mercury surfboard.

I'm on a mission, it's an operation actually to right some terrible wrongs.

I'm at the dead epicenter of every single moment that's been going on in this thing.

I'm not going to say it wasn't epic and I wasn't having a ball and all those around me weren't enjoying the show.

We were on a rocket ship to the moon some nights.

Did any of you ever have a roommate who dropped a lot E while in college? Or smoked a little too much weed? Even too much booze can bring about the "I love you, man" syndrome, where you're all sloppy drunk and slurring and you're talking one inch from someone's face and everything is, "I love you. You're my best friend. No one understands me" followed quickly by "Fuck the system/professor/significant other/boss! I'm smarter than they are! They're just so limited by their conventional life! Blah blah blah."

We're sure you've been on either the receiving or delivering end of such genius.

That's Charlie Sheen in a nutshell. A drunk, delusional frat boy who thinks he's far more interesting and talented than he actually is. An Eddie Haskell who has managed to pull the wool over the collective eyes of the public for so long that we smirk and shake our heads at his ridiculous behavior, his abusiveness towards woman, and his disrespect for property, both public and private.

Mamarazzi encourages Sheen to stayed holed up with his Porn Star "goddesses" and enjoy kinky sex until the money runs out.

After all, rumor has it that CBS is in talks with John Stamos to step in to the lead role on Men, which would make it a show we would watch after all!

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(This entry is by Kristin, not Poppy. Kristin is having trouble with her laptop!)

(TMZ)

For the benefit of scientists studying the lingering effects of cocaine and alcohol on the central nervous system, Charlie Sheen recently released the following statement:

I have a lot of work to do to be able to return the support I have received from so many people.

....

And to my fans, your good wishes have touched me very much.

Like Errol Flynn, who had to put down his sword on occasion, I just want to say, "thank-you."

In releasing this statement, Sheen has scientifically proven that it is possible to remain high out of your mind hours after the party ends, the emergency room is done with you, and you've checked into rehab. Why do we say this?

Errol Flynn still holding his sword

It's the Errol Flynn thing. For those of you who don't live and breathe Turner Movie Classics, Errol Flynn was an actor, womanizer, alcoholic, and drug addict. He was arrested for statutory rape, and suffered a fatal heart attack when he was only 50 years old.

So yeah, we can see the resemblance.

One important difference? The studio system, which in the 1930s and 1940s did its best to make stars look good--no matter how hard they partied. Another difference? Digital photography and cell phones. Google Errol Flynn and you come up with images like this:

Google Charlie Sheen and you get images like this:

Or worse, someone's cell phone footage of him dancing with three women during his recent 36-hour cocaine/alcohol/porn star binge.

Sorry, Charlie. We realize rehab is hard work. But when it comes to rehabilitating your image? Errol Flynn doesn't come to mind. Sisyphus does.

Photo: Aspen, CO Police Dept./AP. Not your typical Aspen vacation souvenir.

SO. Charlie Sheen has signed for another season of Two and a Half Men - and he's so valuable, he'll earn nearly $2 million per episode. This makes him the highest paid actor in television history.

Not that we don't wonder this on a daily basis, but HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD? Does Charlie Sheen deserve this sort of canonization?

Charlie's personal history shakes even our overdeveloped ennui. Here are but a few highlights of his personal life:

1990: Sheen accidentally shot his then-fiancee, Kelly Preston in the arm.

1995: Sheen was named as a particularly good client of brothels owned by Heidi Fleiss. Like, he practically lived there.

1998: Sheen tried injecting cocaine, accidentally giving himself an overdose. Hello, rehab.

2005: While pregnant with their daughter Lola, wife #2 Denise Richards filed for divorce from Sheen, accusing him of abusing drugs and alcohol and threatening her with violence.

2009: Sheen was arrested on charges of domestic violence, including second-degree assault and menacing, against wife #3 Brooke Mueller on Christmas Day. Hello rehab again. ( We have no idea how many times he's been in some sort of rehab but we're betting every rehab center in the country has a suite permanently reserved for Charlie.)

In the interest of fair and balanced reporting, we'd love to tell you the good things that Charlie's done. And we will, if we ever find one.

First we heard that Bruce Willis is marketing a fragrance (hey, who isn't?)

Then Jim Carrey used twitter to announce that he and Jenny McCarthy were history. (Carey also used twitter to send a public message to Elin Woods. Note to Jim: shaming celebrities on the internet is not for amateurs. So back off and let the pros handle it.)

Now Charlie Sheen has given himself a buzz cut, and is leaving the house in his pajamas.

We smell midlife crisis, don't you? Now here's the genius part. If they play their cards right and get this bottled in time, a lucky fragrance manufacturer can have Crise Masculin in stores in time for Father's Day. The marketing ploy? A spritz a day will fend off your husband's midlife crisis.

Just think, buy your husband a bottle of Crise Masculin and you won't have to worry that junior's college fund will be squandered on a red convertible.

What will it smell like? We're imagining top notes of Rogaine and Amstel Light, with mid-notes of health club locker rooms, new car upholstery, and the nutritional supplement section of Whole Foods, and base notes of self-loathing, shame, and Viagra.

Good grief, it’s been over three years since Denise Richards filed for divorce from Charlie Sheen and they’re STILL bickering to anybody who will put up with their nonsense.

They had a highly dysfunctional three year marriage. But being the overachievers that they are, they're extending and inflating the craziness to levels that may never be matched even by The Lohans or Amy Winehouse and Blaaaaaaaake!

Denise has two current projects:

1. An very public and seemingly endless disagreement over an alleged email claiming that she wants Charlie’s sperm to father her third child, and

2. A new reality show, It’s Complicated, premiering May 26 on E!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Now, we Mamarazzi Mamas aren’t judgmental, of course. Nevertheless, we have a few opinions on what’s complicated and what’s considerably simpler.

Complicated: Writing bizarre emails requesting a sperm donation from ex-husband Charlie. This applies to whomever wrote them. Charlie and New Girlfriend, you’re not in the clear here!

Simpler: Accepting that your ex is indeed your ex. It’s over.

Complicated: Making a reality show that’s interesting if you don’t work and don’t want to look dopey and shallow.

Simpler: Using your exceptional good looks, money and contacts to build a new life. With a rich, famous man.

Complicated: Claiming that you’re poor when you receive $600,000 – tax free - per year in child support.

WAY MORE Complicated: Being a typical divorced mom of two, receiving little or no child support, trying to make ends meet with an ordinary job, paying for child care when you can’t be with your kids AND having a life of your own - ZZZZING!

SPECIAL NOTE! If our comments STILL aren't working (we do have someone trying to fix the problem), send your comments to SarahO, Poppy or Kristin. WE MISS YOUR SNARKS!

Photo credits: Top, unknown Bottom, Playboy

Happy Father's day, we love you so! You kept us warm

and watched us grow

You helped us reach astounding heights

and didn't bring prostitutes home at night.

You hid it well when we stunk bad,

Thanks for knocking up a mother and becoming a dad!

Well, the news is out that Hello! Magazine (or OK! magazine--or maybe it was People?) paid $4 million (or maybe it was $10 million) for the rights to publish exclusive photographs of Brangelina's baby, Jolie Lips Stinky-Pitt (or whatever they named her.)

This is a lot of money. A LOT of money. And it's the all-time record for celebrity pictures. A record that must be broken, if the gossip-loving American public is to be kept happy.

So ... over here at Mamarazzi, we started to wonder. What will the next big gossip-rag cash pay-out be for?

The answer occurred to us immediately: Denise Richards needs to get pregnant with Richie Sambora's baby while either she is still married to Charlie Sheen, or Richie is still married to Heather Locklear, or at the very least, at least before they get married to each other.

Also, they have to "escape the paparazzi" by hiding out somewhere exotic while Denise gives birth--preferably someplace the average American can't identify on a map. (Which, given the average American's ignorance of geography, could be California--but let's try someplace war-torn, Tsunami-struck, land-mine strewn, or famine-ridden.)

In other words, they're going to have to find a way to outdo Brad and Angelina.
I mean, sure, Denise is a smokin' hot homewrecker,

and Richie is a famous musician as well as a handsome man who is married to one of America's favorite female television stars

but let's face it; in the notoriety department, they come in a poor second to Brangelina. Denise has no tattoos, no estranged movie star father, and she's wearing a cross around her neck, not a vial of blood. On top of which, Richie never went out with Gwyneth Paltrow.

No, if Denise and Richie want to get even two million dollars for the rights to print their baby's first picture, they've got their work cut out for them.

We're going to need a lot more scurrilous stories about Charlie Sheen, and some long, drawn-out vicious custody squabbles, or those baby pictures won't even be worth a paltry $3 million. Even if it's twins.

What? You say we're cynical? Well, guess what. Today People.com reported that:

On April 21, Richards filed paperwork in Los Angeles Superior Court that claimed Sheen had threatened to kill her. In the 17-page filing, Richards also detailed Sheen's alleged abuse of prescription medication, violent mood swings, compulsive gambling and use of pornography.

In a statement issued by her rep that day, Richards said, "I am disappointed that the situation has deteriorated to the point that it has become necessary to seek the assistance of the court. However, my primary concern is and always has been the welfare of the children and this action today was taken to ensure their safety as well as mine."

In a statement of his own, Sheen called the allegations "a most obvious immature and transparent smear campaign designed to hurt, embarrass and ultimately extort me."

Great start, Denise. Now all you need are a few of those ovulation predictor sticks and voila! you your favorite charity will be $3 million richer--maybe more.

p.s. Definitely go for twins. If not triplets.