Recently in Candy Spelling Category

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Petunia Pig look-alike Candy Spelling and Frankendaughter Tori don't get along. At all. And they keep thrashing it out in public, via books, interviews, and Candy's blog.

Candy just fired off a new salvo by claiming, in a recent radio interview, that Tori caused Aaron Spelling's death.

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The fact that Aaron was 83 years old at the time of his death had apparently nothing to do with it. Nor did his oral cancer (please note the pipe in the above photograph) or the stroke that actually killed him.

Now, obviously Tori isn't implicated in her father's death.

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Although we can't say the same thing about her roots. (OK, maybe they didn't kill him. But they're killing us.)

There's only one way to settle this.

With a good old-fashioned Dynasty-style cat fight:

Perpetuity -noun, plural -ties.
1. the state or character of being perpetual (often prec. by in): to desire happiness in perpetuity.
2. endless or indefinitely long duration or existence; eternity.
3. something that is perpetual.
4. an annuity paid for life.
5. Law. an interest under which property is less than completely alienable for longer than the law allows.

How wonderful to have a photograph of the moment little Stella realized if she someday penned a book ripping on her mother, all this could be hers!

It's hard to admit when you've made a mistake, but it's also responsible journalism. So all those times we've said Tori Spelling is a butt-ugly lollipop-headed husband-stealing weirdo? We take it all back.

Because Tori had to grow up as the child of Candy Spelling.

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We've mostly known Candy Spelling as the trophy wife of Aaron Spelling; a ditzy double for Paris Hilton's mother Kathy. And we have mocked her pathetic attempts to act like a normal grandmother-to-be and raise other people's children by publishing open letters on TMZ.com.

But now that Candy has a website--complete with cheesey auto-play music?

And has just published a book?

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Which is timed to come out just before Tori's next book? So that the only way Candy and Tori are communicating is via the printed page?

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Dueling books--and dueling updos.

And ... because Candy has just put The Manor, her 56,500 sq. ft., 100-room mansion on the market for $150 million? (Which seems a small price to pay for a bowling alley, a doll museum, a living room the size of Grand Central Station, and a wrapping paper room larger than most kitchens.)

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We take it all back. Because some say heredity is responsible for the way kids turn out. Some say it's environment. But Tori is the result of Candy Spelling and the environment she created:


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And therefore has our deepest sympathy.

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