Recently in Bruce Willis Category

After years of making us all feel fat, ugly, and (more recently) really, really ancient--fashion industry insiders are making reparations. How?

They've asked Rumer Willis to model for them.

How does this help? Put yourself in Demi Moore's place. When you have a son, you automatically think he's handsome. But when you have a daughter, all your insecurities come into play. What if she looks like you? Even worse, what if she looks like your husband?

Mark Badgley and James Mischka have solved Demi's problems. They selected Rumer Willis to be the face of Badgeley Mischka. In doing so, they gave a boost to mothers and daughters everywhere.

Hair in your face? Terrible posture? Look like your dad? No problem.

It makes us proud to live in America, where every boy can grow up to be President, and every girl who has two Hollywood stars for parents (and a third as a stepfather) can become a model.

First we heard that Bruce Willis is marketing a fragrance (hey, who isn't?)

Then Jim Carrey used twitter to announce that he and Jenny McCarthy were history. (Carey also used twitter to send a public message to Elin Woods. Note to Jim: shaming celebrities on the internet is not for amateurs. So back off and let the pros handle it.)

Now Charlie Sheen has given himself a buzz cut, and is leaving the house in his pajamas.

We smell midlife crisis, don't you? Now here's the genius part. If they play their cards right and get this bottled in time, a lucky fragrance manufacturer can have Crise Masculin in stores in time for Father's Day. The marketing ploy? A spritz a day will fend off your husband's midlife crisis.

Just think, buy your husband a bottle of Crise Masculin and you won't have to worry that junior's college fund will be squandered on a red convertible.

What will it smell like? We're imagining top notes of Rogaine and Amstel Light, with mid-notes of health club locker rooms, new car upholstery, and the nutritional supplement section of Whole Foods, and base notes of self-loathing, shame, and Viagra.

It's not easy being Bruce Willis' daughter, Rumer. You have to deal with getting your picture splashed all over the internet. Worse yet, you get pictured with your smasho'ed dad who's looking a little worse for wear.

Bruce's goofy looks are explained in Bruce's recent Playboy interview, particularly this "Nope, I'm not addicted" paragraph:

"I've gone full circle. I smoked weed, and my kids know that. I quit drinking for a chunk of time. I never drank when my kids were around. By now I've learned I can have a couple of drinks or some wine and then stop. I'll have a martini from time to time--vodka, ice-cold, straight up, bone-dry, twist. But especially when you're working, the recovery period is just too much. I go for months without drinking anything. This works for me, but I know people who have to maintain 24-hour vigilance. It's a dangerous thing to say, 'Yes, I was in AA, and now I take a drink on occasion.' Hard-core AA people will say that's a bad message. I'm just telling you my experience."

To make matters worse, Rumer's mom, Demi Moore, has well-photographed heartbreaking jones she denies: Face-mangling Botox addiction.

The good news: By default, "Damn that overachieving chin gene!" Rumer's becoming the best looking one in the family.

As Ireland Baldwin and now Taylor Anne and Hayley Hasselhoff wish their divorcing parents could get along; Rumor, Scout and Tallulah Willis have the opposing problem: divorced parents that are so friendly, it's downright creepy.

The actor has hit out at the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears,
all whom have been photographed flashing their girlie bits about town.

Willis told Vanity Fair magazine: They’re not writing about guys my age
much anymore, unless I do something naughty.

Anything goes, to the point where it’s OK for young pop stars or film stars
to show photos of their naked vaginas in a magazine. If this is it then it’s
over man, it’s the f***ing Fall of Rome.

Amen, Bruceie!

We should have known the voice of reason in Hollywood would eventually arrive, and when it did, there would be the father of 3 daughters behind it.

Your drunken daughter posted a pictoral of fifteen ways to have fun with condoms on her MySpace page.

Do you:

A) View it as a public service annoucement for safe sex

B) Say in an interview, "She can't help being sexy, have you seen the size of her knockers?!"

C) Create your own diversion by having a serious make-out session with a relapsey reformed skank

D) Get drunk and tell everyone to fuck off

Answers to WWBWD? Quiz:

A: Bitch, please. This is obviously a pansy-ass Lionel Richie solution, only he'd set it to music and have her star in the video.
B: EWWWW! We're talking the dude from Die Hard, not some perv papa like Joe Simpson!
C: Yep.
D: That would be the ever-gracious Mel Gibson approach.