Recently in Bad Dads Category

We had resolved to stop making fun of anyone whose last name is Gosselin or Lohan. Instead, we were going to do nice, positive, upstanding things like congratulate Matthew McBongity on the birth of his daughter.

Jon Gosselin/Michael Lohan
Photo courtesy of X17.com

And you see how long that lasted.

But we don't really feel we're really breaking our resolution, because we're powerless in the face of Jon Gosselin's dead shark eyes. He reminds us of the guy who played Torgo in Manos: The Hands of Fate. We're under his spell, and the proof is our sudden urge to go to Ulta to buy an Ed Hardy fragrance.

(Also, those of you who went to co-ed high schools, does it look like Michael Lohan's teacher asked him to write something on the board, and he has a hard-on and is trying to hide it with the front of his t-shirt?)

ANYWAY. Apparently there are talks underway between these two fame whores. They're planning on having some kind of boxing match.

YAWN. With any luck, they'll be like matter and anti-matter. As soon as one of them manages to land a punch, they'll both disappear.

The holidays are a time of year when even non-musical families find themselves belting out "Deck the Halls" when the mood is right and the eggnog properly spiked.

So just imagine what must transpire when music-industry families gather with friends and loved ones!
Take the Cyrus family: what sort of lyrical loveliness is created when Achey Breaky Papa Billy Ray, tween sensation Miley, and poptart-in-training Noah join hands and gather around the fireplace?

Cute girls like to travel in packs. It's the reason sororities exist. It's why we have The Rockettes. It may even be the reason women never seem to be able to go to the bathroom one at a time.

This is because if one cute girl is a sparkler, a group of cute girls is a fireworks display.

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Photo courtesy of NY Daily News

Unfortunately, the same is true of douchebags.

Take an Ed Hardy-wearing, hair-plugs sporting cheating reality show dad, stand him next to Bristol Palin's baby daddy, take them to Times Square, dress them in matching peacoats, and what do you have?

A perfect storm of assholiness that threatens to engulf Manhattan.

Dear Billy Ray:

Are you mental, or do you just think we're forgetful?

Let us help you out here; we're not forgetful. We remember your dumb-ass Achy Breaky Heart song and the mullet that went with it.

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Photo courtesy of ScrapeTV.com

We remember the the nude picture of Miley that showed up in Vanity Fair. And the provocative father/daughter shots of you and Miley.

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Photo courtesy of Gothamist.com

Not to mention Miley's MySpace self-portraits.

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Complete with duck lips.

miley-cyrus-myspace1
Photo courtesy of ThisisBandit.com

We even remember hearing about you telling Miley to get back on twitter. (Tell us why again? Because she wasn't getting enough publicity?)

But now? Now your nine-year old daughter goes to a Halloween party dressed as ... what is this, anyway? A Hoochie Witch?

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Whatever it is, it's bad. So guess what? You just won the Mamarazzi "Bad Dad o' the week" award.

(But don't get excited. It's only Monday. Some other idiot might screw up before Friday.)

Now please get lost. And take your soul patch with you.

The Mamarazzi

p.s. As skinny as Noah is, you somehow managed to find her a hootchy witch outfit that was too tight. Way to go, mullet head!

You've watched beauty pageants on TV, right? Well yesterday, when Balloon Boy's dad won our BAD DAD o' the Week award, Pop Wino was probably all crying and fake-applauding, like the Mr. Congeniality he is.

Because he just won First Runner Up.

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Check out the rack on her! Oh, whoops ... that's my daughter.

Yesterday, a reporter asked Pop Wino how Amy was doing. You know, the daughter who goes in and out of rehab so often that the clinic's installing a revolving door? Here's what he said:

Fantastic, fantastic. Her boobs are great as well. I shouldn't have said that should I? She looks absolutely fantastic.

Call us judgmental, but we disapprove of fathers who talk about their daughter's breasts. We were completely grossed out that time that Joe Simpson gushed about Jessica's boobs.

And while we admit that Amy looks better than she used to

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she still doesn't look as good as her Madame Tussaud replica.

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Quick--which one is the dummy?

We predict that Mitch is going to start angling for a boob job for the dummy any minute now.

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