But we want her to come home from Turkey and visit the Wisconsin State Fair. Then make a pit stop at a 7/11 for a Big Gulp and a sack of Cheetos. Followed by a photo op at Millions of Milkshakes. Washed down with a Venti Frappuccino with whipped cream and extra syrup. And finish with a week-long fried oyster, bread pudding, and beignet-athon in New Orleans.

We won't sling the a------- word around. But girlfriend is looking frail.

Yeah, saints and great religious leaders tend to be portrayed as ectomorphs. But Angie, nobody is more generous, loving, and tirelessly giving than Santa Claus, and he's thicker than a whale omelet.

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Photo courtesy of Celebitchy

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, still thinking your boyish charm, money and power make you different from us. Mug shots are supposed to be about shame: A mug shot all over the internet is the 21st century equivalent to being put on public display in the stocks.

We're not exactly sure what you did to get arrested because we don't care.

We DO care that, once again, a powerful, privileged man thinks he can do whatever he wants because it's his right.

And we're calling you on it. Grow up.

Dude, like all the politician boys-will-be-boys in the news, you've also exercised your right to profoundly disappoint the people who worked so hard to make you who you are.

Thousands of people have taken precious hours volunteering for you. They've gladly handed you millions of dollars to represent them. They've driven millions of miles proudly displaying your name on their bumper stickers. And they've braved dreadful November weather to vote for you.

Let's not forget your parents. They were humble people who clearly did many things very right to make you capable of rising to the upper crust of our country.

Let's not forget your kids, who love you and look up to you as their role model.

Your continued selfish behavior has shamed every single one of these people. You've made fools of them for giving you their time and money and worst of all, their belief in you.

So do you look sorry? No, you look styled and spray tanned. And a little smug.

People in power, think! You've got the greatest good. You've got influence. People listen to you. As moms of teenagers, we know just how rare and precious that is.

You could use your influence to inspire people to do great things. You could motivate millions of people to do small things to make a real difference. You could energize millions to actively volunteer their time not to elect people who will let them down, but to lift up others. Helping humanity: This could be your historic legacy.

Instead, you've made your legacy one of cheating on your terminally ill wife and now, yet another former Senator breaking the law. Remember, John? We elected you many times over to uphold the law.

So, Senator Edwards, and all those just like you who are in the news, next time you look in the mirror to touch up your hairspray, look into your eyes and see who we see.

And hopefully, you can inspire yourself to make the world a better place, starting with yourself.

Photo: Reuters
Illustration: www.etc.usf.edu

1. Always wear underwear.

2. The Situation should not be your role model.

3. Don't set off the metal detector.

4. If you starred in How the Grinch Stole Christmas? Don't remind people.

5. If you're planning on wearing your tight black micro-mini and black high-heeled sandals ...

... check to make sure you're the only one.

6. Above all: a good hair day

is a good fashion day.

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All photos courtesy of The Denver Post.

First there was Cher. Then Demi Moore. Then Madonna.

The list of female stars involved with much younger men keeps getting longer. And the age difference keeps getting bigger.

Now 57-year-old Ellen Barkin is involved with 26-year-old Sam Levinson. Which is fine. In fact, our reaction could be summed up as "You go, girl, etc." After husband number one

and husband number two:

who could blame her for wanting a little something-something?

But ... Sam Levinson is director Barry Levinson's son. And Barry Levinson's Diner is the film that first made Ellen Barkin a star.

Think back to your first real career-track job (babysitting, waitressing, and summer camp counseling don't count.) Now imagine that it's thirty years later, and you're involved with that boss's son--a son who hadn't been born when you worked with his father.

Is it just us, or do any of you need a Dramamine? Because -- Whoa. Just ... whoa.

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Photos courtesy of Wikipedia and TimeOutChicago