The photo above is Ashton's reaction to the paparazzi.
What does this mean? You tell us!
Photo: Bauer-Griffin Online
?!
!!!!!!!!!
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?
If you guessed Bristol Palin, newest cast member to ABC's hit show, Dancing With the Stars, you win!
Mamarazzi is wondering what exactly makes Bristol a star? Is is having been preggers whilst her mother ran for the second highest office in the land? Is it having a Baby Daddy who was in Playgirl? Is it because she can see Alaska from her house?
It doesn't really matter because we all know in the end...
It's Hasselhoff for the win.
Photo: Eonline.com
On the other hand, we're not as thrilled with Paris's claim that the purse she was carrying--the one with the bag of coke--couldn't have been hers because it was "too cheap."
We're sure Paris lives a strictly Louis Vuitton lifestyle. After all, she carries her LV bag to the beach. She probably thinks only the little people carry Coach.
But Paris, here's a newsflash for you. If you Google "Paris Hilton Cheap," you get 11,000,000 hits.
On the other hand, if you Google "Paris Hilton Expensive," you get only 1,500,000.
Your honor, we rest our case.
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Regardless of your political outlook, as Americans, we should be united in our search for truth, justice, and a way to get Sarah Palin's children to STFU.
And in a truly just society, Sarah Palin's former future son-in-law would get his untalented self off center stage and away from the media.
It's not enough that Bristol Palin will be appearing this fall on Dancing with the Wannabes. Now Levi Johnston (remember him?) is announcing to anyone who'll listen that he regrets apologizing to Sarah and Todd last summer.
Oh, and the reason for this interview? Levi has decided to run for office.
And that's why we've decided it's time to make a fundamental change in the government. For years we've believed that Queen Elizabeth II's children took the prize for being the most embarrassing, idiotic offspring of a politician or, in the Queen's case, ruling monarch. Many years of drinking haven't erased our memories of toe-sucking and wanting to be a tampon and such. But Bristol and Levi are causing us to change our minds.
There's only one answer, and that's a Constitutional Amendment barring politicians from getting married and/or having children.
With this amendment in place, Levi Johnston wouldn't be able to become chief dog-catcher of Wasilla, Alaska and then try to become President.
So please join our grass-roots movement. Before Alaska Hunting runs paparazzi photos of someone sucking Bristol Palin's toes.
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Then we saw this photo.
We perused Madonna's 13-year old daughter Lourdes' fashion statement du jour. Lola's sporting J-Woww's Daisy Dukes, The Situation's white framed sunglasses, Snooki's mom's New Jersey chic tee shirt, wow, Lourdes sure loves her black pantyhose and HEL-LO! WHAT'S THAT ON LITTLE LOURDES' WRIST?! We're betting that's not a sanctioned item in Macy's Material Girl line.
Sooooo... Madonna and child spend quality time together grooving to Bob Marley in a haze of sweet, sweet smoke?
Now we have a whole new insight into Madonna's beat appearance. It's her new oh so chic sleepy stoner look.
Photos: Vuitton, Bauer- Griffin
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Hold on tight to those Hello Kitty collections, folks.
Word on the street is that Ms. Mariah Carey is with child.
Congratulations! If it's a boy, we sure hope the little dude likes pink and glitter and rainbows!
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Lindsay Lohan doing public service in Africa?
Madonna hoovering up another half dozen orphans?
Shauna Sands on her way to a funeral?
Wrong! It's Kate Gosselin, who decided to take the kids to the pediatrician after auditioning for a made-for-TV film about a showgirl who lost her feet in a tragic accident, and then, after she was fitted with tap-shoe-wearing prosthetics, found stardom as a tap-dancing zebra impersonator at the local Rainforest Café.
It's that or she's been signed to star in The Real Housewives of WTF.
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All photos courtesy of DListed.com
But we just got wind of a job opening. And it sounds like we'd be perfect. And it pays $55,000/year, which sure beats what we're getting as blogging SAHMs.
And it's being J-Lo's assistant! Squee!1!!!!
Photo courtesy of Deceiver.com
And the job would be a piece of cake. Our source included the following job requirements:
The job is 6 days a week, at least 12 hour days with one day off, but you may not get off for weeks. You'll be on call 24/7 and you've got to be organized and always on point.
Hello? This pretty much describes our lives.
You have to change diapers, work on little sleep and cook if the butler is away.
Check, check, and butler? There would be a butler?
You have to know when J. Lo has her snack time. She won't say she's hungry, you're just expected to have food waiting.
Pfft! Please. Anyone who's taken care of a toddler knows you always have food handy. You haven't passed Motherhood 101 until you're can decant Cheerios into baggies at lightning speed, not to mention cope with that whole waiting-for-dinner-to-show-up restaurant situation. We're confident that once J-Lo has eaten the contents of the bread basket, we could divert her with our big shiny soup spoon. Also, we always pack some crayons and paper. We're PROFESSIONALS, people.
Oh, and a perk? Would be helping J-Lo get ready for the Oscars. Now, Ms. Lopez might have a reputation for being a diva, but anyone who has lived through a daughter's first period while battling her own hot flashes can handle J-Lo's moods.
No, we think the most challenging part of the job will be having to be up close and personal with Mr. J-Lo's so-called "fashion sense."
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See, research has shown over and over again that people tend to choose partners that look a lot like themselves. SO. We, with the help of our friends at Totally Looks Like, Craig Ferguson and our own imaginations, are playing matchmaker.
Behold twin dream couples!
Angela Lansbury and Paul McCartney (thanks, Craig Ferguson)
Last but not least, a real life couple, RuPaul. He always has herself.
Maybe if Sookie dropped her left leg just a bit, Mamarazzi could decided whether or not to include True Blood in the TiVo season pass...
But please, people. Madonna has been being stalked by the paps for 25 years. Madonna's birthday is like Christmas for them. They know she's going to get all dolled up, go out, and give good face. The occasion is about as spontaneous as the red carpet at the Oscars.
So this is what we want for our birthday: a photograph of Madonna leaving the gym after a two-hour hot yoga class. With no makeup on, her cheek implants popping out, her roots showing, and preferably wearing a tank top so we can point and laugh at her Skeletor arms.
]]>We've just heard that a hair extension manufacturer is suing Paris Hilton for $35 million.
Why? Because Paris didn't fulfill her contractual obligations. She was supposed to 1) wear this manufacturer's extensions and 2) show up at a party promoting them. And she didn't.
Because SHE WAS IN JAIL.
Now, we're not lawyers, but we have a sneaking suspicion that no judge would even let this suit go to trial. Here was Paris, actually being a law-abiding citizen, paying her debt to society, and this silly hair extension party giving company thinks it can cash in on her PAIN and TORMENT. (And how long was she in jail, anyway--nine hours? Girl, that is a HAIKU compared to your sentence.)
So Lindsay, what with the jail time and now rehab--however abbreviated--you have the perfect excuse for not doing whatever you were supposed to do. Which, given your track record, should come in handy. No more "Your honor, I was in Africa working with orphans." You can come right out and say "Your honor, I was IN THE SLAMMER."
Our advice is this: don't waste it.
xxx,
Mamarazzi
p.s. And you might want to think about this: bitch got paid $3.5 million to promote those extensions. Not too shabby, right?
Photo courtesy of PeaceFMOnline.com
Photo: Getty
So. Your 18 year old daughter wants the whole world to watch her boning. Little did you know, she used to stand at the school bus stop dreaming about being a porn star. No wonder you're sporting that FML look.
You went so far as to offer a cool million dollars to buy every last one of her sex tapes. You wish she'd go to college and become a nice kindergarten teacher or something. HA! Your baby's a legal adult and insists that doing the nasty for the whole world to see is the best career move ever.
That is, besides the prostitution trespassing and assault with a deadly weapon stuff.
Back in our day, we wouldn't have dreamed of selling videos of such wanton deeds. That's what Polaroids were for.
