May 2011 Archives

OK, so there's a rich, well-built, studly, über-successful guy who's married to a gorgeous woman, and instead of being faithful to her, he cheats with every woman he can get. No matter how skanky or unattractive.

Wait a minute--who are we talking about? Tiger Woods or Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Unfortunately? Both. As with Tiger, the voices of women coming forward to tell the world about having "amazing sex" with this "virtual Adonis" has grown to a deafening chorus.

We can't click on our favorite gossip sites without hearing about "outercourse." Or about Arnold's voracious appetite. Or how his "unbelievably frisky" activities had "Shee shee" heading to the hospital to have her injury checked out.

Shee-Shee, we're begging you. Please don't tell us what the injury was. We don't want to know.

Somehow, we suspect the movement to allow immigrants to run for President has received a life-threatening blow. Or at least, it's in the emergency room having its injuries looked at.

Which is just as well. We have enough native-born horn-dog politicians. We don't need to import any.

--
Photo of Gigi Goyette from See Ads, Mildred Patricia Baena and Ahnold from The New York Post,

SO. Your husband says, "Hey, come on, Honey, let's get a picture with Mildred's family". And you do because nobody bothered to tell you that the baby being Christened is your husband's secret love child.

Luckily, Maria had better ammo than throwing Ahnold's clothes out the window. She did even better than chasing him down with a golf club.

She outed him to the press, ruining his reputation and terminating plans to again be The Terminator.

Maria, who runs a website largely about empowering women, managed to get on Oprah's finale.

Now THAT'S power. Well played, Maria.

photo: TMZ

Madonna banned photographers from taking pictures of her at a Museum of Modern Art party Monday night because she "didn't feel she looked her best."

Take a moment right now to think back.

We've seen Madonna's:

-three inch black roots

-chicken claw hands

-unshaven armpits

-placenta hat (Evita phase)

-kiss with Britney and Christina

-onstage masturbation act

-creepy cheek implants

-eyebrow evolution

-crotch (all phases)

most of which were readily shared by Her Madgesty herself.

So what could she have been wearing/doing/recovering from at this MoMA party want to AVOID BEING PHOTOGRAPHED?!

This is so not like our Material Girl!!!

Brace yourselves for the one photograph of Madonna from that night:

Ok, not really. If Mamarazzi had a spare $130,000 it would be spent on shoes, gin and lotto tickets.

So, the Uterine Fascinator, the hat which gave all Royal Wedding Watchers the biggest jollies and created a festive Internet meme turns out to be the Hat of Magic - creating mega bucks for two of Princess Beatrice's favorite charities.

Well played, Princess B., well played.

What Mamarazzi really wants to know is this: did you buy the hat and if so, will you let Mamarazzi try it on?

We don't know whether it was a slow news weekend, but imagine our surprise yesterday when we started reading the Sunday New York Times and saw a story about America's fascination with celebrity scandals on the front page.

Excuse us? This blog is how old? This is news? We don't think so. We wouldn't be having this conversation if Americans weren't fascinated with celebrity bad behavior.

So anyway ... about the story. It seems that a NYT reporter was staying across the hall from Michael Lohan and overheard his plans to start a bidding war between TMZ and Radar for an exclusive statement that he really didn't physically assault his fiancée, who claimed he had. Or something.

Well, it turns out that Radar won the auction, and Michael Lohan made not one but four separate appearances on the site saying ... whatever. Who cares?

The New York Times crack investigative reporters, that's who. They followed the money trail and discovered:

Some law enforcement officials who handled the Southampton criminal complaint against Mr. Lohan questioned whether they might have played bit parts in an endless script the Lohans were writing about themselves. After all, one official noted in an interview, the alleged harassment took place in the home where Mr. Lohan and his fiancée, Ms. Major, were filming a proposed reality show called "Celebrity House NY."

Ms. Major's incident report, which was not publicly available, found its way onto TMZ, and the Web site's photographers just happened to encounter her as she left her lawyer's Manhattan offices.

"It does lead you to wonder," the official said, after Ms. Major dropped the complaint.

It doesn't make us wonder. We knew all along that Michael Lohan was a douchebag's douchebag. Who marries, spawns, gets engaged to, and hangs out only with other douchebags.

Remember Jon Gosselin? Thanks, NYT, for informing us that every one of Jon Gosselin's exclusive interviews, Las Vegas pool parties, and yogurt shop photo ops was arranged by an agent Michael Lohan introduced him to. Most of all, thank you, NYT for revealing that Michael Lohan arranged for a kick-back on each and every one of Jon's paid appearances.

The answer is obviously to stop going to sites like TMZ or Radar. When you do that, you're feeding the beast.

Just come here instead.
---
Appalling shirtless twitter picture courtesy of Snarkerati

Photos (from top): solarnavigator.net, getty, scoreslive.com, celebritysmackblog.com getty, tmz.com

"Health complications from Kate's adolescence raised red flags that may have an impact on her ability to conceive," sources close to Camilla have told In In Touch Magazine.

OK, we realize that the kids on Jersey Shore are ... well, the short version is "an embarrassment." To the State of New Jersey, to Italian-Americans--basically anyone who feels they could be identified with or blamed for their behavior cringes every time the show is mentioned.

Except for Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino's father. Instead of lying awake at night wondering where he went wrong, Frank Sorrentino makes videos criticizing the cast of Jersey Shore. And his son. With no expletives deleted.

With no further ado, the father of the situation (caution: the audio is not safe for work):

Today's big, jaw-dropping celeb news: An unnamed plaintiff has sued an also unnamed "A-list celebrity of substantial fame internationally," claiming the celeb, a male who is worth in excess of $100 million -- "entered into a nefarious plot designed to lure Plaintiff into his luxurious hotel room to serve his prurient desires" in Las Vegas this past April 1.

The suit claims the superstar actor told the plaintiff he had "no venereal diseases."

Hee hee, April Fools!

At that point, they watched porn and engaged in "mutual oral copulation, mutual self-gratification, rubbing and massaging each other, play-wrestling, licking and (unprotected) intercourse."

Being that it was celeb sex, of course it was videotaped. So much for what happens in Vegas staying in Vegas.

Oh, and the plaintiff claims the celeb transmitted the herpes virus and wants more than $20 mil in damages.

Mamarazzi wouldn't pay too much mind to this story, except that this morning also brought news that all of a sudden, Leonardo DiCaprio and long term girlfriend Bar Refaeli, broke up.

We're not saying at all that Leo's the culprit, even though he's one of the very few humans who fit the aforementioned lawsuit's description.

We're just sayin', if you happen to be a major star, puh-leez hire a primo sleuth to scour the gossip on the street before announcing your own bombshell.

Because honestly, before we only saw Leo's pretty kitty cat face in our favorite dreams. Now all we can see is what's packed in this can.

Photos: visitlasvegas.com, (DiCaprio & Refaeli) Kevork-Djansezian/Getty-Images-North-America), amazon.com

I forgot my pants because....

We just heard that Brangelina spend $10 million a year on child-related expenses. No, their children do not wear chinchilla diapers fastened with diamond diaper pins. These expenses involve things like living in hotels, first-class airfare for flying their enormous brood around the world, and a nanny for each child.

That last part sounds kind of pleasant. So next year, we're asking our husbands to fork out the $100,000 each nanny costs so we never have to change another diaper.

Why are these nannies so expensive? Well, apparently they need a college degree in child development. And they need to speak at least two languages, including the language of the adopted kids' country of origin.

Most of all, the nannies need to be invisible. And invisibility doesn't come cheap.

Nine hundred channels and nothing to watch, you say? Rejoice! In just over a month, you too can delight in a new reality show featuring the always cool and refreshing Ice-T and his most likely to be mistaken for a female impersonator scalding hot wife, Coco.

Ice Loves Coco is scheduled to premiere Sunday, June 12, 2011 at 10:30/9:30c, on E!. Remember that now.

Who's Coco (real name Nicole Austin)? Surely you remember her from her role in 2004's The Dirty Monks. Oh, how we wish we could make this stuff up.

Can't wait five weeks for your G-cup of hot Coco goodness? Mamarazzi suggests you visit her website store and show your friends and family exquisite taste by purchasing and proudly displaying this four-pack of Coco air fresheners.

Not only is this just the minivan accessory we've all been searching for for so many years, you'll have to agree that the air freshener's design just screams freshness!

You didn't expect Superstar Diva Queen Mariah Carey to just announce her new babies names like a common celebrity, did you?! Oh, you silly little lamb!

Mama Mimi took to her Twitter account and asked people to guess what she named her wee ones.
After some smartass suggested "Glitter"(HA!), she gave a clue: both names start with M.

Any guesses?

We'll say Monarch (for her endless love of butterflies) and Montessori (because it's like something Mariah would think sounds really smart)

Nothing says: Court Ordered Community Service like a sheer top without a bra.

Now that Prince William has gotten married, there's a good chance that in the next year, another heir to the throne will be born. And with Prince Charles getting increasingly long in the tooth, a lot of people are calling for Queen Elizabeth to abdicate so he can become King before he starts collecting the British equivalent of Social Security.

Of course, that's England's problem. But there's a ruling dynasty right here in the U.S. that could use some abdication. We're referring, of course, to the Trump dynasty.

No matter how big a fan you might be of gaudy office towers, bankrupt casinos, fluffy hair pieces, reality television, or political commentary, it's clear that The Donald needs to move off center stage. Did you see him at the White House Correspondent's Dinner? There's talk that he's going to run for President in 2012, but it looks to us as though he's heading straight for Mt. Rushmore.

We say it's time Donald retired and handed over the reins to Ivanka.

Who's with us?