April 2011 Archives

Everyone knows that the half-life of a royal wedding dress is easily over a decade. If you got married in the 1980s, chances are your dress had a full skirt, like Lady Diana's. If you got married in the late 90s or early oughts, chances are your dress was a slim column, like Carolyn Bessette Kennedy's.

Which makes us very happy with Kate Middleton's dress. She walked down the aisle looking almost retro.

Think about what this dress is not: it's not strapless. It's not even sleeveless. It's not a slip. It's not low cut. It has structure. You can tell she's wearing underwear.

With some luck, Kate's wedding dress will influence bridal fashions for the next ten years, thus saving us from the sight of our daughters dressed like any of the following:

Congratulations to the royal couple, and our heartful thanks to the Duchess of Cambridge.

This post is longer than usual, but stick with it. It's a juicy story about a real-life Teen Mom, years before the MTV series and its spin offs.

She was named "Stanley", after her dad: Her dad had wanted a boy.

Her family moved around a lot, finally settling in the then brand new US State, Hawaii. She went to the local college, met the school's first African student and at 18, got pregnant. She married her 25 year old lover in her second trimester.

She was white, he was black. They had premarital sex. Her parents did NOT approve: This was absolutely scandalous in 1960.

Then, she discovered that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. He had a wife and child back in Kenya. Then he left Hawaii to pursue his studies at Harvard, thousands of miles away.

Did Stanley do the standard "Teen Mom" thing, making stupid choices with everyone ending up in trouble with the law and otherwise ruining her life?

No, but she sure had a messy, messy life.

She divorced her wandering first husband and married and Indonesian man. They moved with her young son in Indonesia; Stanley had a daughter with Husband #2.

It didn't work out: They divorced. Stanley sent her son back to Hawaii to get a proper education, not joining him for a full year. She then went back to school at the University of Hawaii, earning a PhD in Anthropology.

She then returned to Indonesia, leaving her son, by then a teenager, to finish school in Hawaii, under her parents' care. Yeah, he had some troubles, he smoked some pot and such.

Stanley's mom returned to work to help pay for her grandson's tuition. Stanley stayed in Indonesia, becoming a pioneer and eventually leader in providing microloans to women in impoverished nations, while her son moved stateside for more education.

WHEW. What a story! Sounds like a disaster, right? Whatever happened to her son, the child of a cad, who got moved around a lot and was raised by a revolving door of parents and grandparents?

Surely, his young adult life was chronicled in tattoo and piercings-covered mug shots, right?

Somehow, teen mom Stanley did something right.

She and her family achieved the ultimate American Dream: Her son is now President of the United States.

Please skip ahead to 4:00 in the video and know Mamarazzi is firmly Team Grandma.

Sarah Shahi, star of USA's, Fairly Legal, was (allegedly) almost run over by a reckless driving Paris Hilton the other day and, as one does it today's modern age, took to Twitter to blast the spray tan right off the heiress:

Squee! This is why we love Twitter - sure, Mamarazzi may follow a couple of ordinary folk, but let's face it, it's biggest draw is the celebrity factor, especially the celebrity smackdowns (which is why our feed looks like we are a tween-age girl).

Team Shahi!

During his latest Break Like the Wind* stage show, Charlie Sheen said that if he could talk to Lindsay Lohan,

"I would hug her and let her know it's gonna be OK."

Luckily for Lindsay, she wasn't available for a hug. She was in the slammer serving time for violating her parole.

(She's already out on parole--after serving a hefty five-hour sentence--so she's going to have to find another place to hide.)

* Not its real name. Extra points if you recognize the reference.

--
Charlie Sheen's photo courtesy of The National Ledger; Lindsay Lohan's photo courtesy of The Daily Press.

Some of us just don't get it. A-list actresses still flock to Sean Penn and frankly, we think they can do better.

What do you think? Read on or skip to the poll below!

The Hot: He's one of the most accomplished actors of our time. He was married to Madonna -- in her prime! He's passionate about human rights and he's even hands-on active in his own Haitian relief organization.

The Hate: He's got a violent temper, and he knows just where to kick.

And even heavily made up, he makes on helluva homely woman. OK, the sideburns don't help. And would it kill you to put on a little blush, Sean?

SO. Now Scarlett Johansson's moved in with him and we just don't get it. We've heard rumors that she's only doing The Truly Nasty with Sean with the hopes that, by hanging out with him, she can be considered a serious actor. High price to pay, ScarJo?

Further evidence that maybe Ms. Johansson should steer clear: Star magazine says Scarlet Johansson has been getting buff for her role in The Avengers and is looking unusually fit and trim. Is Sean pleased?

A "close source" tells Star "Sean's urging Scarlett to go on a health kick, which she's taken personally since she's touchy about being heavier than she'd like."

All we can say is that, when we've been in our best shape ever and our boyfriends told us to do better, we immediately made them ex-boyfriends. And they didn't kick annoying people where it hurts most. Also, they were cute!

Are we wrong? Please weigh in below.

Photos: LA Times, www.jphro.org, TMZ.com, TMZ.com

Back in the day, if an expectant couple was unable to afford routine OB/GYN visits

or a sturdy bra

or a pregnancy belt

they kept that shit to themselves.

We're so sorry little fetii. You can honestly say your parents embarrassed you in public even before you were born.

We started this blog five years ago, but until today, Nicolas Cage hadn't made an appearance. Well, today, a grave oversight has been rectified. Nick's snarkable acts include:

• Going on insane shopping sprees where in one year, he bought three mansions, two planes, several yachts, a squadron of Rolls Royces, and millions of dollars worth of art and jewelry.
• Owing over $6 million dollars in back taxes, even though he earned $40 million last year.
• Losing houses in Bel Air and New Orleans to bankruptcy court, and taking huge hits on the half dozen other properties he's bought in the last five years.
• Marrying Lisa Marie Presley. For 108 days. (Their divorce proceedings took longer than the marriage lasted.)

In short, Cage is a Mamarazzi cocktail--take the conspicuous consumption of Michael Jackson, add the public drunkenness of Mel Gibson, top with the highly unconvincing hair of John Travolta, then shake like crazy and serve.

Nick's latest performance

The latest? Getting drunk in New Orleans and daring a cop to arrest him. Which--hello? The cops in New Orleans can deal with public drunkenness. But dare them to arrest you in front of dozens of witnesses, and within minutes, your mug shot will be all over the internet.

If this keeps up, it's totally going to embarrass Nick's son, Kal-el. Yes, Kal-el Coppola Cage. And yes, that's Superman's name on Kryton.

This kind of craziness has to stop. As parents, we can't go on rewarding bad behavior. Honestly, if you aren't already boycotting Cage's movies, you need to start now. It's the responsible thing to do.

Nick, during slightly better hair days, in Raising Arizona--life imitates art

Unless Nick stars in a reality show. We're thinking Lives of the Semi-Talented and Shopaholic. That might be worth watching.

Dude:

If you ever want to get back together with Courtney Cox, don't talk about your relationship on the Howard Stern show.

Especially don't go on Howard Stern and talk about how how you tried to instigate marital relations during a recent family trip to Disneyworld.

Especially don't say, and we quote:

Listen, I tried to f**k her, and she doesn't even want me.

We aren't pretending to be mind readers, but if that were our husband? The bedroom door would stay locked.

Oh, and try to remember that your daughter is six years old. Old enough to get picked on at school.

To sum up: save it for your 12-step meetings.

Kisses,
Mamarazzi

Remember when the nude photos that Vanessa Hudgens took for her then-boyfriend Zac Efron got leaked to the internet? This was back before Glee and Lady Gaga had been invented, and High School Musical was the only teen entertainment franchise around. Or at least it felt that way.

Well, Vanessa Hudgens' nude photos are back in the headlines, with Vanessa commenting about how embarrassing it has been to have to talk to lawyers about the whole thing.

Naturally, the reaction of the casual observer is "Nude pictures of Vanessa? What--again???" But here's the deal: this is the third time nude photos of Vanessa have been leaked, but the photographs were all taken at the same time. Apparently there's a hacker out there who gets his jollies by embarrassing starlets. In this case, with photographs from 2007.

We applaud the fact that Vanessa Hudgens is not the new Kim Kardashian. And we would like to extend our heartfelt, totally sincere, not-at-all sarcastic thanks to her for reminding us--and our kids--that nude photos have the half-life of plutonium.

Gwyneth, STOP! Your new cookbook, My Father's Daughter doesn't make cooking obscure healthy food irresistibly fun and easy, it makes snarking you irresistibly fun and easy. AGAIN.

Seriously, you may be the etherial, lovely person you want us to believe you are, so we won't extend our claws on you. We'll let photos and quotes from your book do almost all the talking.

Gwyneth's not only got more famous dear friends than you do, they're more literate.

As you can see by the emptiness of her distant eyes, sniffing cherry tomatoes hypnotizes Gwyneth.

NOTE: Gwyneth NEVER looks at the food. Never.

Here's the happy housewife and kids, appropriately dressed in white cotton and linen for snarfing healthier-than-yours blueberry muffins. 'Cause, you know blueberries don't stain people who can't even bring themselves to look at the food.

"The stove is really the epicenter of my house -- I am never far away from it and most of the time there is something atop it, simmering away for my family."
Also, you'd better stop staring into foodless space again and watch your kids' perfectly groomed toes around that pasta crimper.

Here's Gwyneth with the woman who's doing most of the Paltrow/Martin household cooking. May we add, hairnet, please!

"In the last ten years or so, cooking has become my main ancillary passion in life."

"I am constantly thinking about ways to give my children something filled with as much nutritional value as possible."

And oh, Gwyn, we can't help but mention that people with eating disorders obsess over food.

We think this photo sums it all up: Gwyneth and her people have worked long and hard to develop a truly gorgeous cookbook full of fantasy food that's made of obscure ingredients that nobody outside the culinary community can find, and which Gwyneth won't eat anyway.

Like Gwyneth herself, it's pretty but absolutely and unnecessarily false. Please, get real. And please get some help with your food issues.

Photos: Amazon.com

First came (no pun intended, of course) Jane Krakowski, who plays Jenna on 30 Rock. She's due this month.

Then Elizabeth Banks, who plays Avery, surprised even us a week ago when she announced the birth of son Felix via surrogate.

Now the show's megastar, Tina Fey has announced that she's already five months pregnant with her second child.

Did you know that Tina's husband is, for reals, 5 feet zero inches tall? This raises some unspoken questions.

Three ladies of a certain age, all on the same show, all having babies at the same time? Is this possible because the directors have figured out how to shoot scenes showing everyone only from the chest up? Or could there be another reason? Could these women be thinking of a career change from the daily showbiz grind to the daily diaper grind?

Thank you, Tina Fey, for providing us with today's punch line: "Science shows that fertility and movie offers drop off steeply for women after 40."

Photos: NBC.com, brideuniverse.com, variety.com, 123nonstop.com

Is it just us, or do five-year-old Suri AND Ashley Judd appear not all that impressed by Reese's "Dream Wedding"?

Again, Lindsay swears she's innocent.

Hey, who doesn't walk out of a club at 2:30 AM on a weekday, crumble into a fetal position, face down on a New York City sidewalk, as a joke? Surely, Lindsay caught the paparazzi in a wee hours April Fool's joke, right?

Last night, Lindsay explained, verbatim, on her Facebook page, "Is it not allowed to slip and fall? im always a klutz!!!"

This morning, Lindsay edited her own story, explaining, "I was NOT drinking, nor do I drink! I was with my brother, sister and friends. I was making a joke. They're trying to make something out of nothing. Just because I'm out doesn't mean I'm drinking."

We always trust and believe Lindsay. Who doesn't love NYC so much that they need to kiss the ground outside a crowded bar? Think about that sidewalk's personal hygiene for just one moment and you'll have to agree.

Anyhoo, the camera doesn't lie. Remember this photo of Lindsay from just a few days ago? Maybe Lindsay really isn't drinking. Not that we think she's abstaining: Mamarazzi thinks that her crackhead look may not be just another one of wacky Lindsay's hilarious jokes.