March 2011 Archives

We're really happy that the hair and outfit have shown major improvement, but are we the only ones that found Britney's recent Good Morning America performance reminiscent of her lackluster 2007 VMA routine?

Girlfriend seems very, very tired and not into it at all.

Dear Hollywood,

Mamarazzi kindly asks that you stop hijacking our favorite characters to support your endless quest to sexify everything every written.

Agatha Christie... ahem, Dame Agatha Christie, is, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, the best-selling writer of books of all time and, with William Shakespeare, the best-selling author of any kind. Only the Bible has sold more than her roughly four billion copies of novels.[1] According to Index Translationum, Christie is the most translated individual author, with only the collective corporate works of Walt Disney Productions surpassing her.[2] Her books have been translated into at least 103 languages.[3]

Clearly, her works hold their own. Her characters, from the fussy gray celled Hercule Poirot to elderly busybody observer of everyday life, Jane Marple, remain amongst the most beloved literary creations of all time.

The stand alone.

So why Hollywood, why, do you feel that Miss Marple, spinster of St. Mary Mead, needs to go from this:

to this?

What's next? Justin Timberlake as Poirot?

We respectfully request that you take your "Hip Urban Singleton" premise and shove it. Some things are better left alone.

Thank You,

Mamarazzi

We confess: Gwyneth Paltrow makes us squirm.

It's not that she's gone all British with her creepy husband. It's not her capable yet soulless singing. It's not even that she weighs less than we did at age 10. Not that we're jealous or anything.

In real life, Gwyneth looks pretty scary working out sans fards. Maybe it's because of her diet and exercise guru's regimen:

- 4 ounces sweet potato and corn pudding - pureed
- 8 ounces blueberry apple sauce - pureed - with 3 cups green tea
- Kale, spinach, beetroot and apple juice with 3 glasses of water
- 11 ounces gazpacho soup - pureed
- 8 ounces carrot and parsnip - pureed
- 1 cup green tea
- more green tea as needed
- 8 ounces chicken protein soup
- 4 ounces chocolate with chestnuts and dates - pureed

- Oh, did we mention 3 hours of exercise per day?

If we went on this diet, we'd hallucinate. We suggest that somebody hide Gwyneth's deliciously named daughter, Apple.

She was a many things: child actress, serial bride, Hollywood homewrecker, devoted AIDS/HIV activist, best friend to Michael Jackson (??), queen of the grainy perfume ad, and mother of four.

Rest in peace, Elizabeth.

Out of nowhere came a song so horrible, with lyrics so banal:

that our ears? They bled. And suddenly The Biebs seemed downright Bob Dylan-ish...

And poor Rebecca Black, mocked so cruelly over the Internet and late night TV (although Conan's, "Thursday" is genuis) that even Mamarazzi's cold little heart cracked a tiny bit as we thought of our own fragile teens...

Well, 2 million iTunes downloads later, it looks like a week's worth of ribbing was worth it.

That's right folks, Friday is currently #42 on the iTunes Top Singles chart and at $1.29 a download... well, you do the math.

YouTube, Mamarazzi loves your cat videos, but we really can't take any more Teen Sensations.

If you have a tiny, guilty desire to check out Charlie Sheen's live show--but feel too ambivalent to actually act on it--we've just solved your problem.

We've just heard that a bunch of suits at Fox met with Sheen last week to talk about putting him at the helm of a talk show. Which means that you might get the chance to hear Charlie Sheen spout his opinions for free.

At first we thought there was no way this could happen. What advertisers would want to be linked to Charlie Sheen?

Then we remembered about Viagra. And Hair Club for Men.

So think about it. Charlie Sheen. Five nights a week. Unscripted.

We can't decide whether weep for the state of American society--or zap a bag of Butter Blast and pull up a chair.

Most Hollywood celebrities (and even some mommybloggers) appear to have realized that The Internet Is Forever. But apparently, Cherie Blair, mother of four and wife of former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, hasn't figured this out.

In a recent interview, 56-year old Cherie has commented at length about her sex life with her husband, telling a reporter "We've been married 31 years and known each other 35 and even now he still excites me in all possible ways."

For his part, former Prime Minister Tony Blair has bragged that he could make love to Cherie five times a night. And the couple admit to being members of the Mile High Club.

You're wincing too, right? Now imagine being their ten-year-old son Leo.

They even shared that they conceived Leo while on a visit to Balmoral, because they were too embarrassed to pack birth control, knowing that palace servants would be unpacking their suitcases.

Cherie realizes she forgot to pack her diaphragm

As an aside--we just figured out what the royals carry in their handbags!

--
Photos courtesy of The Daily Star and Boscombe West Liberal Democrats

Let's say your daughter rebels a bit.

Let's say your daughter's said some things about you that make you sound just a little crazy.

Ho hum. Welcome to our every day lives.

BUT. Let's say you're a Christian Evangelist and your daughter is a huge pop star who's known for singing about kissing a girl once and has bared her cleavage on Sesame Street.

And let's say last year your daughter said some stuff about you to Rolling Stone magazine:

"Speaking in tongues is as normal to me as 'Pass the salt' . . . It's a secret, direct prayer language to God. My dad speaks in tongues and my mom interprets it . . . I wasn't ever able to say I was lucky because my mother would rather us say that we were blessed. Deviled eggs were called 'angeled' eggs."

Kids today. What do you do? What DO you do? Katy Perry's mother, Mary Perry Hudson, wants to retaliate by writing a book about how she "disagrees with a lot of choices (Katy) makes in her career." So far, no one wants to publish her tell-all book.

Cool out, Mary Perry! When you want to complain about your kids, you don't write a book about it.

You do what cool moms do.

You boast about your little kid in your mommy blog. Ten years later, you complain about them in your mom blog. Are we right, people?

Also, video killed the radio star.

Whateves, Bon Jovi. You're still cute but maybe you should sit this one out...after all, Mamarazzi can also remember that magical time of buying an entire album for one song and being sorely disappointed that the other 11 tracks were basically crap.

When we saw the pictures of Britney and Kevin at their sons' Little League game, we didn't think "OMG those boys are adorable," even though they are.

Or "How nice that Britney and Kevin can remain civil in public," even though they did.

No, our first thought was -- well, we'll leave it to you.

Here's Britney in a recent photo shoot

and here's Kevin at the Little League game.

Brit-Brit FTW!

Remember last week when we made fun of the way David Beckham was turning himself into a family photo album? Well, apparently we're developing an unhealthy interest in celebrity tattoos. Because we can't get enough of Miljenko Parserisas Bukovic, who can't get enough of Julia Roberts.

Bukovic was apparently inspired to turn his body into a fan-art tribute by Roberts's performance in Erin Brockovich.

(We have to hand it to Bukovic for deciding to have Julia's face tattooed all over himself--instead of her cleavage.)

But still, we'd say Bukovic isn't actually Julia Roberts's number one fan.

In our opinion, that would be the tattoo artist.

--
Photos courtesy of The Sun.

We all know the shock and awe: Parents learn a lot of secrets at Fourth Grade parent-teacher conferences. We learn that little Jacob's failing Sex Ed and that little Emily's got a bully problem.

Teachers care, but there's only so much they can do.

This is where it's really, really good being President and First Lady. This is the payoff for being bullied for not having a magic wand to make the world perfect AND having to put up with chubster bully Rush Limbaugh having the gall to tell the world that he thinks you're fat.

Now, we don't know what went down at the Obama's P-T conference with their Fourth Grader Sasha's teachers, and we sincerely hope she's passing Sex Ed, BUT, we do have a glimpse into how the Obamas can deal with something we, including Barack and Michelle have all shared; bullying.

When you're First Parents, you and address the problem on Facebook, host a media summit at the White House AND launch a slick, expert advice filled anti-bullying website, StopBullying.gov.

We safely assume that this action makes Barack and Michelle Official Teacher's Pets.

We're not being political here, we're admiring the Obamas' determination and ability to be real parents do something meaningful to help school bullying. And for maybe the first time ever, we can appreciate, applaud and even believe that these two big kids actually did something awesome to deserve to be Teacher's Pet.

Claiming superiority over 50% of your peers just because you have a 'gina and they don't is assholeish no matter what your age. Straighten up and fly right, Willow.

Click here to apply today!

(Posted by the lovely Kristin, who lost her password AGAIN. She's truly one of us.)

Lindsay's dad has lots of new friends these days. Besides the role models pictured here, Mike's joined the fifth season of "Celebrity Rehab" along with such new soul mates as the White House party crashers.

They're a colorful bunch and we suspect they've all got one thing in common: Like The Rock Star From Mars, they desperately need to start taking their psychiatric meds.

Will host Dr. Drew touch their hearts and convince Michael and crew to stop self medicating with stoopid drugs, and start taking the meds that actually work?

Earth to Dr. Drew! When you're getting free publicity and cash for being a train wreck, why would you want to get back on track?

Take notes, Dr. D. Mamarazzi has the answer!

Dudes, the Walgreen's Drive-Thru's right in your neighborhood, it's open late, and a month's supply of Lithium's only four bucks! Soooo...

... Michael, call us when you're on your way to the pharmacy. We'll alert our paparazzi pals, who will gladly run over starlets' feet to meet you, cheerfully chat you up and sell their video to TMZ.

You'll win. The paparazzi will win. And Mamarazzi always wins.

Win-win-win, dudes! That's two more wins than even The Tiger Blooded WINNER! Warlock's got.

Mamarazzi just doesn't have the strength to delve into Charlie Sheen's tiger bloodlines, WINNER!!ness, or loss of custody of his 2 year old twins today.

Instead, we're getting back to the basics of manners because while it seems obvious to most people, clearly there are some who need some gentle guidance.

For example, it is okay to have the same hairstyle and one's daughter, providing it is classic and not overly-trendy. (Example: traight hair with side-swept bangs is fine. Pink, crimped hair is not.)

However, no matter how fabulous the legs are, it is NEVER OKAY for a mother's skirt to be shorter than her daughter's, especially if it is a see-through garment. You had your time, now let her have hers!

It's tempting to ignore the whole Charlie-Sheen-Imploding-In-Front-Of-Our-Faces thing, because a) Mamarazzi is pretty sure Two and Half Men sucks rotten eggs and its audience will be just fine moving on to a better sitcom like Raising Hope, and b) another entitled asshole behaving like an asshole is, frankly, exhausting.

However, we're only human, and eventually we had to drink the Kool-Ade.

These little gems are from Charlie's interview with Piers Morgan:

I've been riding it on a mercury surfboard.

I'm on a mission, it's an operation actually to right some terrible wrongs.

I'm at the dead epicenter of every single moment that's been going on in this thing.

I'm not going to say it wasn't epic and I wasn't having a ball and all those around me weren't enjoying the show.

We were on a rocket ship to the moon some nights.

Did any of you ever have a roommate who dropped a lot E while in college? Or smoked a little too much weed? Even too much booze can bring about the "I love you, man" syndrome, where you're all sloppy drunk and slurring and you're talking one inch from someone's face and everything is, "I love you. You're my best friend. No one understands me" followed quickly by "Fuck the system/professor/significant other/boss! I'm smarter than they are! They're just so limited by their conventional life! Blah blah blah."

We're sure you've been on either the receiving or delivering end of such genius.

That's Charlie Sheen in a nutshell. A drunk, delusional frat boy who thinks he's far more interesting and talented than he actually is. An Eddie Haskell who has managed to pull the wool over the collective eyes of the public for so long that we smirk and shake our heads at his ridiculous behavior, his abusiveness towards woman, and his disrespect for property, both public and private.

Mamarazzi encourages Sheen to stayed holed up with his Porn Star "goddesses" and enjoy kinky sex until the money runs out.

After all, rumor has it that CBS is in talks with John Stamos to step in to the lead role on Men, which would make it a show we would watch after all!

--
(This entry is by Kristin, not Poppy. Kristin is having trouble with her laptop!)