February 2011 Archives

We realize the rest of the internet is busy discussing who wore what to the Oscars, and what was she thinking???? But being mavericks and pretty much bored with awards shows, we're giving it a miss. For today, at least.

Because today we have a burning issue to discuss. And that's tattoos. In particular, tattoos on really handsome men. (OK, our thoughts apply to women, too, but we're not as personally invested.)

See, David Beckham recently uploaded photographs of his latest tattoo. And we're appalled, and not just because we don't think "latest" and "tattoo" belong in the same sentence.

First of all, Beck's latest includes a nude portrait. Of himself. Posing as Jesus. And it gets worse. The cherubs flying around assisting the dead Jesus? Portraits of his sons.

Now, we're not going complain that impersonating Jesus is sacrilegious, because for all we know, Becks is a Buddhist and too Zen to care.

But Jesus, Becks, enough with the tattoos! Tattoos were cool and hipster and dangerous in the 90s. Now? They're about as hip as a pair of spats. They're the equivalent of stiletto shoes and leopard print. What was once trashtasticly tacky and subversive is now available at every mall in the country.

Not to mention tattoos age along with the rest of us. Because men age. Yes they do, and their skin sags. OK, they don't have babies, but if you don't think their skin sags, google "Arnold Schwarzenegger bathing suit". We'll wait.

Then there's the issue of the portraits of the children. Would you want to see yourself Sharpied onto your dad's aging body? And what about when you have kids of your own? What are they going to think of that creepy looking mess on grandpa's chest? Way to make your grandchildren run away screaming, Becks.

If you want a souvenir of your children's baby days, try scrapbooking. And leave that body alone.

It's been a busy week for celebs, with Halle Scary going berserk, Charlie Sheen singled-handedly shutting down production of Two and a Half Men, and Wills and Kate going on their first official walk-about as an engaged couple. We were going to try to keep it light and maybe talk about Wills and whether princes get bouquets from little girls, or is it just the female royals? But then of course Kanye West had to tweet the following:

Kanye, Kanye, Kanye.

The money isn't for an abortion. It's the going rate for listening to your drivel.

#wewouldchargemore.

Remember when everyone was talking about 62 year old Helen Mirren in her red bikini? And how terrible this picture made you feel?

Well, here's 63 year old Ivana Trump in her yellow bikini.

Feel better now?

Somehow, when Lady Gaga cloned Madonna's "Express Yourself" to create an Official Gay Anthem, we're guessing that she didn't have this in mind.

Go ahead. Watch the video. We'll wait.

Finished? OK. You're charmed. ADMIT IT. Come on--Batman costumes and dinosaur puppets--can you stand it???

But as charmed as we are, we have one concern.

This video is very well edited, which means at least one adult was involved. And it includes twitter and Facebook information. And of course, he has a YouTube channel.

Correction: we smell a stage parent and a viral marketing campaign.

Because YouTube is how Justin Bieber got his start.

Is there a future Joe Jackson out there in cyberspace, hoping against hope that this little boy is his golden ticket? We hope not.

On the other hand, we hope this kid manages to steal a little bit of Gaga's thunder. Because Gaga's attempt to replace Madonna as a gay icon was too calculated and frankly, obvious.

Are we too cynical? It's OK. We were born this way.

Behold: Noah Cyrus, demonstrating how a child can, against all odds, appear utterly charmless.

Photo: mileycyrus-online.co.uk

Now check out Internet sensation MattyB, demonstrating how a child can appear utterly charming.

See? The key to charm is ACTING YOUR AGE.

Except you, Steven Tyler. Promise us you'll never grow up.

"How many interviews did I give and say, 'You know what's important between me and Miley is I try to be a friend to my kids'? I said it a lot. And sometimes I would even read [that] other parents might say, 'You don't need to be a friend, you need to be a parent.'
Well, I'm the first guy to say to them right now: You were right. I should have been a better parent. I should have said, 'Enough is enough--it's getting dangerous and somebody's going to get hurt.' I should have, but I didn't.
Honestly, I didn't know the ball was out of bounds until it was way up in the stands somewhere." -Billy Ray Cyrus

We feel for you, Billy Ray and don't envy the mess you've got in front of yourself with Miley.
However, there is still time to try and stop Noah, your youngest from following in her big sister's bong-smoking, club-hopping, probably STD-gettin' footsteps.

Use this as your guide:

Kiernan Shipka
-Eleven years old
-Fashion idol: Grace Kelly ( according to Shipka because Kelly is "a classic look, with beautiful pieces, and very pretty.")
-Not allowed to watch the television show she stars in until her mother has previewed it. After maternal viewing, Mama fast-forwards through the inappriopriate bits.
-Has friends not "in the business" thanks to the extracurricular activities her parents sign her up for and shuttle her to
-Not allowed to date until she is 16

Good parenting is time-consuming and a pain in the ass, but it keeps your kids from growing up and becoming one. Time to get into the game, Billy Ray!

Gwyneth, please. We get it. You can sing. But honey, no.

You went to a fancy prep school. You won the Oscar for Best Actress. You star in adaptations of motherf曮ing Jane Austen novels. So we can't imagine how the following elevator pitch worked on you:

OK, we'll have Cee Lo sitting at a big shiny mirrored piano, wearing crazy body armor, a few bushels of brightly colored feathers, and rose-colored glasses. His musicians and back-up singers will be ... wait for it ... the Muppets! It'll be an homage to Elton John's performance of "Crocodile Rock" on The Muppet Show back in 1978.

OK, then Gwyneth comes down a steep flight of stairs dressed in a skin-tight black jumpsuit like the one Olivia Newton John wore in Grease, which coincidentally enough, also came out in 1978.

In tonight's performance, the role of Sandy will be played by a Madame Alexander doll.

Except Gwyneth will be wearing long pink feather earrings, last seen on fashionable disco dancers in ... 1978.

It'll be killer!

Whoever talked you into this must have forgotten to mention that recordings of your hugely embarrassing performance will be kicking around the internet for ... say ... 33 years.

Admittedly, Cee Lo should be even more embarrassed. But watching you teeter down the stairs in those ridiculous shoes was painful. We keep thinking you'd wipe out like the guy on the ski jump on ABC's Wide World of Sports. Yes, circa 1978--why do you ask?
At this point, we can't imagine that Sir Elton feels good about his Muppet Show performance. And the baby he just adopted is probably already cringing.

At any rate, as of Sunday night more proof that Gwyneth Paltrow can indeed sing was posted on YouTube.

Mental Readers, if you missed the Grammys and have a bottomless appetite for cheese, here you go:

Don't say we didn't warn you.

(How awesome is this outfit--and it wipes clean with a damp cloth!)

During her Monster Ball tour, Lady Gaga continued to perform on stage in London despite having been struck with food poisoning. The singer told Vogue magazine:

I don't know if you knew this, but the other night, in London, I had food poisoning. I was vomiting backstage during the changes. Nobody knew. I just Jedi mind-tricked my body. 'You will not vomit onstage'.

Jedi mind-tricks? Super-human control of her body?

Yep--she's totally ready for motherhood.

--
Photo courtesy of Gale Chester Whittington

Don't get us wrong: We like Lady Gaga. We think she's a terrific cabaret act. We admire her tireless work ethic and those crazy outfits she can almost pull off.

So we had to pause when we read what Gaga said about herself in March's US Vogue cover spread:

"Speaking purely from a musical standpoint, I think I am a great performer. I am a talented entertainer. I consider myself to have one of the greatest voices in the industry. I consider myself to be one of the greatest songwriters. I wouldn't say that I am one of the greatest dancers, but I am really quite good at what I do. I think it's OK to be confident in yourself."

As moms with kids who are just figuring out how to present themselves in these crazy times when women wear glitter lobsters on their heads, we need parenting advice: Is it wrong to forego all modesty and brag about yourself, especially if you're not exactly Mozart? Where's the line between false modesty and rampant egotism?

Please tell us in the comments what you think. 'Cause if it's OK, we'll feel free to let the world know that we're the ultra awesome arch douche bitches that we are.

There have been questions about Suri Cruise's lineage for years, but after looking at old photos, we gotta say, she certainly looks like Daddy's Little Girl to us!

There was a time, not long ago, when one of us wondered whether purple would ever come into its own as a color for interior decorating. Her son's favorite color is purple, and it was hard to find stuff for his room that didn't give it a certain Barbie Dream House vibe.

Since then, of course, purple has caught on in a big way. Although the catalogs call it aubergine. (Of course they do.)

At any rate, "Yay," thought our Mamarazzi snarker, "I can buy the teenager sheets and a lamp and maybe even a rug. And his room won't look like he collects unicorn figurines!"

And then she caught sight of this

and this

and changed her mind.

Way to go, celebs. You've actually managed to ruin a color.

Seriously. Has purple jumped the shark? (Let us know before anyone orders carpeting.)

(TMZ)

For the benefit of scientists studying the lingering effects of cocaine and alcohol on the central nervous system, Charlie Sheen recently released the following statement:

I have a lot of work to do to be able to return the support I have received from so many people.

....

And to my fans, your good wishes have touched me very much.

Like Errol Flynn, who had to put down his sword on occasion, I just want to say, "thank-you."

In releasing this statement, Sheen has scientifically proven that it is possible to remain high out of your mind hours after the party ends, the emergency room is done with you, and you've checked into rehab. Why do we say this?

Errol Flynn still holding his sword

It's the Errol Flynn thing. For those of you who don't live and breathe Turner Movie Classics, Errol Flynn was an actor, womanizer, alcoholic, and drug addict. He was arrested for statutory rape, and suffered a fatal heart attack when he was only 50 years old.

So yeah, we can see the resemblance.

One important difference? The studio system, which in the 1930s and 1940s did its best to make stars look good--no matter how hard they partied. Another difference? Digital photography and cell phones. Google Errol Flynn and you come up with images like this:

Google Charlie Sheen and you get images like this:

Or worse, someone's cell phone footage of him dancing with three women during his recent 36-hour cocaine/alcohol/porn star binge.

Sorry, Charlie. We realize rehab is hard work. But when it comes to rehabilitating your image? Errol Flynn doesn't come to mind. Sisyphus does.

When our kids get good grades, we reward them with dinner at Benihana (if we have a coupon).

P. Daddy rewards them with $380,000 cars.

Yes, cars, plural. Diddy bought his boy Justin a $300,000 Maybach for his 16th birthday.

Then, Justin pulled his grades up and made the honor roll. Good boy! Here's a $380,000 Maybach limo!

Diddy justified this gift, explaining "It's a collector's car so maybe he will use it for special occasions like on a first date..."

... Which is good, because all the seats fully recline for first date comfort. Its generous storage pods no doubt supply plenty of room not only for the built in Champagne chiller and standard silver flutes, but for rubbers and cones. No, we're not talking about duckies and ice cream, though, given Justin's age, we won't rule those out.

After giving his date the full tour, Justin and his lucky girl just might choose to do what other 16 year olds do on a special date: Go to Benihana. Coupons optional.

Yeah, this guy either.

Terry McMillan, author of the almost cultish books, How Stella Got Her Groove Back and Waiting to Exhale, took to Twitter last week to discuss, of all things, in 40 characters or less, Jaden and Willow Smith:

The Smith children already act like child stars. There's an arrogance in their demeanor and behavior. I find it incredibly sad. It feels like the Smith children are being pimped and exploited. Or, they're already hungry for fame. What about 4th grade?

A lot of A-list movie stars shielded their children from the Hollywood-world until they were old enough to decide. Look at those who didn't. Look at Lindsay. Phoenix. To name but a few. They miss out on childhood. It's more important than fame.

While Mamarazzi agrees with McMillan and quite frankly shudders every time some entertainment channel subjects us to Willow warbling, Whip May Hair, we are not quite sure if A) Twitter is the best vehicle to address such a topic (why Tweet when you can Mamarazzi!) and B) how she could not know that Tweeting against the much beloved Hollywood family was simply setting herself up for a shit-storm of crazy Pinkett Smith devotees to hashtag the hell out of her with #shutuptmcmillanyoucrazyho!

What do you think lovely readers? Are Will and Jada really doing something all that different from the rest of us? Don't most parents foster and help create situations that stimulate their child's interests and play to their strengths?

Or has McMillan hit it on the head... childhood stardom is not for the weak.