January 2011 Archives

Say what you will about Sarah Palin ... if she ever gets elected president, she won't just be the first female President of the United States.

She'll be the first President of the United States to inspire a sexual fantasy. At least, in anyone but a White House intern.

Is this country ready for a PILF?

The news that the Guidos and Guidettes of Jersey Shore will be filming Season 4 in Italy has us a little worried.

First of all, what will The Situation do when he finds himself surrounded by so many sets of rock hard abs?

What will happen to his self-esteem if he pulls his shirt up and nobody notices?

But what really worries us is the fiscal health of MTV. The beaches in Italy are topless. If MTV has to digitally edit every nipple on every beach in Italy, they'll go bankrupt. And that would destroy any chance that MTV will see the error of their ways, stop broadcasting this kind of formaggio, and start acting like Music Television again.

Just a refresher--imagine this--but taking place in Italy:

So ... Jersey Shore in Italy ... sì or no?

Photo: VanityFair.com

When Mamarazzi first heard that Jay-Z was re-making the musical "Annie", we knew he'd find a brilliant young talent to sing about the miseries of poverty and mistreatment; someone who could knock our Louboutins off by singing "Instead of kisses, we get kicks" in the song "It's a Hard Knocks Life".

So naturally, he chose Will Smith's daughter, Willow, for the title role. After all, who knows more about hardship than a mega-rich, mega-privileged show biz kid who doesn't even have to go to school?

Now, remember "Whip My Hair"? We think Willow's cute, sassy, and talented, but we also think that she seriously needed the autotune.

Anyhoo, Willow may not even need to sing: She'll possibly rap the role, just like Jay-Z did back in 1999 with "Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem)".

No doubt Jay-Z and (surprise!) collaborator Will Smith will update and modify their version of "Annie" but we'd sure like to giggle at Willow doing old school gangsta rap. But no matter how she does "Annie", we suspect she'll suffer majah embarrassment.

We say, drop Jay-Z and Willow and just have Will Smith play the appropriate role of Daddy Warbucks.

It didn't make the final cut, but the above is one of 2 "Gay Themed" ads submitted to the Doritos "Crash the Super Bowl" ad contest.

What do you think? Is it funny or does the message of "Straight Men Will Act Stupid for Chips" and reinforce a negative stereotype?

Remember when Madonna visited Malawi and grabbed a baby boy had several photo opps and got a ton of publicity offered to adopt an almost-orphan? And simultaneously and completely coincidentally bought some good will bribed local officials with an offer to build a girls' school?

Well, that was over three years ago, and they still haven't broken ground.

If you read the press surrounding this adoption, you'll see statements claiming that Madonna's planned generosity did nothing to fast-track her plans to adopt a baby.

Color us cynical, but three and a half years later, Madonna has legal custody of the child. And nothing has been built in Malawi.

Maybe by the time David graduates from high school, Madonna will have managed to build a facility for training Malawans in CPR.

Meanwhile, Malawi? Don't hold your breath.
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Photo courtesy of I Don't Like You That Way

One of these things is not like the others

One of these things just doesn't belong

Can you tell which thing is not like the others

By the time I finish my song?

Sometimes the posts write themselves.

Catch the viral video, while it's still up, of the yoga lady swinging a baby around like a rubber chicken all in the name of inner peace. HINT: The flying circus act really starts taking off at about the one minute mark.

Please excuse the brief post. We need to wash our brains out with our neti pots.

"Remember last week when I fessed up to using Botox and you reporters went apeshit because my BIG, HUGE secret had finally been exposed?!!"

"And it turns out what y'all didn't know was that our secret baby Faith was already home sleeping her bassinette, finally oblivious to Sunday loudly singing her Daddy's songs right by her newborn head in a completely non-silent, unScientological fashion!"

"Yep, the hair might look completely stupid, but this is the guy made me want to unfreeze my face so I could smile for real. I hope when her marriage contract expires, Katie fares as well. I really, really do."

Oh Hollywood... with your pretty sparkly dresses and your pretty sparkly gems and your pretty sparkly teeth... shut the hell up with your, "Ricky Gervais was so meeannnnn to us!"

Mamarazzi could care less about award season (should that be capitalized for IMPORTANCE? Award Season!) other than we do enjoy ourselves some high fashion (note: Julianne Moore... fire your stylist immediately... we hate everything you've worn over the past 12 months).

But the all fawning and the ass kissing and the "art" and the "muse" makes us want to "vomit", so it was with great pleasure that we sat back on Sunday evening, cocktails in hand, and watched a delightful Brit take the piss out of those of you who so graciously provided him with actions to mock.

We know the internet is going be all abuzz with talk about who wore what to the Golden Globes, but let's forget about that for a minute and get real. Really real.

You know how fan magazines are always reporting that stars are just like us? Stars pump gas! They buy lattes at Starbucks! They look awful without their makeup!

We usually dismiss that kind of drivel as public relations nonsense. Are we really supposed to believe that these genetically blessed, über-talented goddesses are just plain folks?

But then we see a picture like this.

In case you don't recognize her, that's Jennifer Garner, and frankly, we want to know her secret.

We run around all the time in jeans and a baggy shirt, wearing our glasses, with our hair scraped back, and our faces innocent of makeup. And yet, our husbands don't look like Ben Affleck.

How does she do it?

After years of making us all feel fat, ugly, and (more recently) really, really ancient--fashion industry insiders are making reparations. How?

They've asked Rumer Willis to model for them.

How does this help? Put yourself in Demi Moore's place. When you have a son, you automatically think he's handsome. But when you have a daughter, all your insecurities come into play. What if she looks like you? Even worse, what if she looks like your husband?

Mark Badgley and James Mischka have solved Demi's problems. They selected Rumer Willis to be the face of Badgeley Mischka. In doing so, they gave a boost to mothers and daughters everywhere.

Hair in your face? Terrible posture? Look like your dad? No problem.

It makes us proud to live in America, where every boy can grow up to be President, and every girl who has two Hollywood stars for parents (and a third as a stepfather) can become a model.

Because there's nothing a boyfriend wants to hear more than "SURPRISE, HONEY! I'M PREGNANT!", three major celebrities announced their happy oopsies this week.

Natalie Portman's starting her pregnant naked sexpot career right away. Hey, where are the photos of the happy, committed couple? We could be wrong, but we're betting our mortgages that her kid's future will involve a string of daddies and nannies and the occasional on-set meeting with ultra-busy A+ list single movie star mom. Call us uncool, but the thought of this makes us cringe up like old fairy tale hags.

Credit: INF
Kate Hudson's expecting a little rocker with current Muse singer boyfriend, Matt Bellamy. Kate's representative guardedly reported "It was not planned, but they are excited and embracing it." Call us a bunch of old biddies, but we'd prefer "They are excited and committed to raising the child as a family."

Credit: Fame
Then Owen Wilson announced an arrival any day now in Virginia Hawaii with his mystery girlfriend, Jade Duell. She's so mysterious, we can't find a photo of her anywhere. Is she agoraphobic? More importantly, has Owen tossed his womanizing ways into the sea of love? We're giving 1 for 1 odds that next summer we'll find Owen on Malibu Beach, tossing a Frisbee to his dog while his new Summer of Love hottie sunbathes in a teenie bikini. Just call us jaded old finger-wagging wenches.

IS THERE SUCH A THING AS A COMMITTED MARRIED COUPLE HAVING A CHILD?

Why, yes there is.
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We found one.
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Phew.
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Credit: Getty Images

Bless you, David Furnish and Elton John.

"I've tried a lot of things but apart from working out and a good diet most things don't help. I even tried Botox but I didn't like how my face looked afterwards. Now I don't use it anymore - and I can move my forehead again." -Nicole Kidman Cruise Urban

Just for fun, see if you can figure out which one is Nicole's wax figure among this selection of photos taken during the eight years Nic "tried" Boxtox!

Mamarazzi isn't sure if you are following the LeAnn Rimes - Eddie Cibrian - Brandi Glanville Bermuda Triangle of Doom and Sleeze, so in a nutshell the facts are this: While Brandi and Eddie were married and had 2 small boys and he was "starring" on CSI Miami, he went off to do a Lifetime movie with former teen singer and at the time also married to her backup dancer, LeAnn Rimes. Sparks flew! The connection was undeniable! They didn't mean for this to happen! Insert your cliche *here! They fell in love.

After sneaking around for a bit both Eddie and LeAnn left their marriages (and in Eddie's case his kids) and embarked on a yearlong Twitter Feed of love. They moved in together, LeAnn joined the PTA at his sons' school (WRONG!) and they took lots and lots of photos of themselves in places like Cabo San Lucas.

Meanwhile Brandi took to drinking a little too much and got herself a DUI

And now Eddie and LeAnn engaged and LeAnn has a shiny new $85,000 ring and new boobies to prove it and Eddie has a Merry Christmas Porsche in the driveway.

Fairytale Romance!

Wait... but, what about the children?

Well, things aren't looking so good for them because in the very same month that Eddie proposed to His One True Love with the $85,000 ring, he sent an email to Brandi informing her that he would be cutting his child support payments in half.

Poor man hasn't worked in 6 months. What else can he do? And also, Ex-Wife and Mother of My Children? Please hurry up and send me a check for half back of whatever I have already paid you.

Brandi is now moving out of her rental home while Eddie is living in splendor with the soon to be Mrs. Cibrian 2.0. LeAnn Rimes is estimated to be worth $38 million dollars.

$38 million.

Chew on that for a minute.

Now, Mamarazzi doesn't fault LeAnn. Sure, she's a home wrecker and suffers from the Renee Zellweger Newborn Kitten Face Syndrome, but Eddie is a piece of shit.

This is clearly leading to some sort of physical custody bid for the kids where Eddie and LeAnn will point out that they live in a shiny mansion with puppies and Xboxes and poor old slob mother Brandi can't even afford a damn Happy Meal.

Shame on you, Eddie. Shame on you for leaving your children. Shame on you for fiscally screwing them and their mother... the woman you once loved and respected enough to have babies with... and shame on you for asking that same woman to return child support money.

Mamarazzzi has to go now... and pour whiskey into the morning coffee.

Does anyone else remember the media circus over Math Barbie?

Well, last week a report published in the British medical journal BMJ indicated that Dr. Andrew Wakefield's 1998 study linking the MMR vaccine and autism was "an elaborate fraud."

But will the news that Wakefield's study has been thoroughly discredited stop Jenny McCarthy from spreading the gospel of anti-vaccinations? Of course not!

Jenny's organization, Generation Rescue, posted an update saying that the news was "much ado about nothing" and that the "mainstream media frenzy" was just a "vaccine-industry funded media circus."

Which of course prompted an uproar on blogs, Facebook, and twitter. Way to stop a media circus, Jenny.

All we know is that we don't tend to take health or parenting advice from pin-up girls. Because what's next--Pamela Anderson in charge of global warming? Katy Perry brokering a global arms treaty?? Science Barbie on irrigation???

Is the idea that a mother might have a crush a little TMI for sensitive adolescents to deal with?

Confession time: one of us has a picture of James Marsters as Spike in Buffy as wallpaper on her desktop, and from time to time, she wonders whether it's inappropriate. It's hard enough for kids to handle the knowledge of how they got here in the first place--but Mom crushing on a pop culture vampire? Could that be construed as ... gross? Should the wallpaper be changed to something more innocuous?

And then we saw 49-year-old Cathy Ward and the Twilight billboard she has tattooed onto her back.

Photo courtesy of D-Listed

It gets worse. She's threatening to have Edward's face tattooed onto her abdomen. Although she says she has to work out some more with her personal trainer before her ... canvas ... is ready for embellishment.

Cathy started this whole tattoo business to celebrate losing 14 dress sizes, and for that, we congratulate her.

But seriously, Cathy. Turning yourself into the tattooed lady of Young Adult Fiction?

Wouldn't it be cheaper and more straightforward to have MID-LIFE CRISIS tattooed somewhere on yourself instead?

Will Mamarazzi really put our witchy spin on the feel good story of the year?

No, dear readers, we only wish to make the world a better place. Snork.