December 2010 Archives

Zahara has clearly heard of the recent rash of celebrity pregnancies/engagements/breakups and knows who would be the one to bring that sort of chaos into her life.

As the days wind down towards New Year's Eve, the Mamarazzi have decided that this picture exemplifies many things we're glad to see--and many things we'd like to say good riddance to. So here are two count-downs:

Top Five things we're glad to see

5. An Olsen twin by herself--if only in this picture.

4. A former child star not on her way to rehab.

3. A pair of flared pants. Does this mean we're back in style?

2. Natural textured hair. Does this mean we can stop burning ourselves with our flat irons?

1. The same old monstrously huge sunglasses we've been seeing for a while--but in time to remind us to run out and find some before we need to disguise our New Year's Day hangover.

And now, the five things we'd like to see go away.

5. All. That. Smoking. Do celebrities make New Year's resolutions--or do they wait until they've signed into the Betty Ford clinic?

4. All black, all the time. We realize black is slimming. But what's the point when you weigh 87 pounds soaking wet? She looks like a pug going out on Halloween as Morticia Addams.

3. Celebrities who are body doubles for each other. We're tired of trying to tell the Olson twins apart.

2. All that fur. Not to go all PETA, but it looks like monkey fur. And since we're on record as thinking Mary-Kate and Ashley look like lemurs, this outfit is like a gorilla suit--one kind of ape dressing up as another.

1. Someone who looks like this being held up as a fashion icon. Let's just hope this look doesn't catch on. We shudder to think of anyone else walking around dressed like a cross between the Ascot Race scene from My Fair Lady and the "Step in Time" number from Mary Poppins.

A year or so after pretending that his son Falcon flew away in a weather balloon, Balloon Dad Richard Heene's BAAAAAACK -- and he's roaring like Billy Mays a bear all in the name of selling his patent pending (good luck on that one) Bear Scratch™ back scratcher! Watch the video above for over two and a half minutes of Balloon Dad yellin', scratchin' and pimpin' out little Falcon once again.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Click here to see Balloon Dad Richard Heene's Bear Scratch web page featuring many, many AMAZING! wonders, including the actual product that's perfect for your itchy friends and family. The Bear Scratch promo video below, however, is on Mamarazzi's list for the Most Amazingly Awful Videos of 2010. Thank you, Balloon Dad, for making us itchy all over in the worst possible way.

This is Lucky Lucy Damon, 6 weeks postpartum from her 4th baby.

Notice the flattering, floaty gown, the glowing skin, her luscious arm-candy husband.
But take special note of the non-scrawniness.
Girlfriend JUST HAD A BABY, and it shows.

None of this "Oh, the weight just fell off chasing the kids!" or "Breastfeeding gave me back my figure!" for Mrs. Damon. (Angelina, Kelly Rippa, Heidi Klum- we're looking at you, you lying bitches.)

Thanks, Lucy, for daring to appear in public looking like women look just after having a baby.

You are gorgeous.

Look kid, we agree... books are sort of a crappy Christmas present (unless you are an adult and are hoping someone else springs for the $25 hardback of a new bestseller you are just dying to sink your teeth into). Kid, you're what, 3? 4? It's not your fault you're acting like tiny jerk... it's your parents.

Yes, Mamarazzi blames your parents who, instead of taking a moment to remind you to be gracious (teachable moment!), are whipping out the video camera and slapping your fit all over YouTube and chortling at the funny of your wee little annoyance.

Sigh.

People, Mamarazzi is here to help and while we have all had our own Christmas mornings with Mamarazzi children who are sleep deprived and over stimulated, it still never acceptable for a child to pull the Brat Card.

And when they do, for the love of holidays, don't put it on the Internet.

You're welcome.

We're not exactly sure when Playboy magazine lost its last vestige of hipness, but as bad boy cultural institutions go, it's right up there with Harley Davidson motorcycles and The Rolling Stones.

In other words, no one under 40 is interested.

Our theory is that Playboy is gradually positioning itself as the skin mag of the AARP--the magazine that makes aging Baby Boomer males feel young! And alive!

Which explains why they decided to put Pamela Anderson on their next cover.

We're not saying Pamela doesn't look great, because she does. If somewhat ... retouched. And pneumatic.

It's just that the cover looks an awful lot like this

Right down to the tousled blonde hair, black bustier, and tribal tattoo. But this is a still from Barb Wire, a film that was released in 1996.

Here we are, on the brink of starting the second decade of the 21st century, and Pamela looks the way she did in the 90s. We're not going to go all Picture of Dorian Gray or start rumors about vampires quite yet (even though some of us are Buffy fans who were English majors.)

And anyway, it gets weirder. Pamela Anderson first appeared on the cover of Playboy in 1989. Which means that if Playboy covers could go to school, that cover would be a college graduate who has moved back home and is playing video games in the basement.

And it looks like Pamela Anderson may very well be appearing on the cover of Playboy when her kids have kids, giving rise to a whole new icky acronym, GILF.

So. We stand by our assertion that while its subscribers weren't looking, Playboy magazine was secretly bought by the AARP.

Warmest Seasons Greetings from the Kardashian/Jenner Family, the Brady Bunch/Addams Family of the 21st Century.

Please note the aggressive hands on waist motif and skanky ball gowns for the women. Then note the men's faces that either say a pitiful "kill me now" or a downright hostile "mess with me and I'll cut you". Pish posh, Kardashians, other families' cards have made us cringe for years. Behold:

Skanky? It's been done.

Dark and creepy? SO last century.

Kardashians, Mamarazzi begs you to try harder next year. You've got serious kompetition in the krazy, kreepy Khristmas kard kategory.

Photos: The Kardashian/Jenner Family, awkwardfamilyphotos.com

Straight from a successful season of HBO's hit, "Boardwalk Empire", Paz de la Huerta gives the stupidest interview ever to Paper Magazine.

Here are some gems for you to chew on:

In sixth grade, she was kicked out of Grace Church School. She says classmates picked on her for being too skinny. One day she just lost it. "I broke a chair over a girl's head," she says flatly. "That was it. I thought it was a horrible school. They had some evil teachers. I always hated school."

Now, some of Mamarazzi may have actually attended Grace Church School and have only fond memories of it. So shut your pie hole, Huerta!

Also:

"I have so much I want to do. I just feel like everyone and their mother thinks they can be an artist. You can't. Sorry. I know I was born to be one."

How much do you want to poke this girl in the eyeballs?

And of course there is a lot of sexytime talk:

She mentions that she is wearing only one ring, of an Egyptian scarab, because jewelry (and lipstick) gets in the way of sex

Apparently, she might have sex at any second... hence, superfluous baubles and makeup must be left behind...

Santa, all Mamarazzi wants for Christmas is to never have to read another Paz interview again.

Last weekend one of Miley Cyrus's friends made a video of Miley doing a bong hit ... of salvia.

If you're like us, your first thought (after the shock of "Miley Cyrus" and "bong hit" being used in the same sentence had subsided) was--salvia? Isn't that that new herbal sweetener?

Turns out salvia divinorum is a psychoactive drug that can be ingested several ways. When smoked, the effects last for only five minutes.

Its primary users are Mazateca Shaman and giggling teenage girls. Who like to upload videos of themselves using it. To YouTube. Because apparently, they're never going to have to get a job. Or be a Disney star.

Now, we don't blame Miley too harshly for experimenting with a legal, non-addictive drug which has no lasting bad effects. As terrible teenage behavior goes, that's actually pretty mild.

However, we are blaming her for doing it in the company of the "friend" who leaked the video to TMZ.

Unfortunately, that's exactly the kind of idiotic behavior we've come to expect from Disney stars. We wish they came with expiration dates, so that once they got all rebellious and angsty and teenager-y, Tinkerbell would wave her magic wand, and poof! They'd disappear.

So--any suggestions for how to rehabilitate Miley's image? So far we've only come up with one: a remake of--well, let's change the name to The Bong Song. With Michael Phelps making a guest appearance. (Remember him? Olympic gold medalist currently not appearing on a Wheaties box near you?)

We've already mentioned that in a new low for reality television, Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin were going camping together.

Naturally, the set-up is promising. These two couldn't be any more different. One is famous for being a high-maintenance neat freak. The other loves to hunt, ice fish, ride around on snow mobiles, appear at political rallies, and keep an eye on Russia from her back deck.

But in focusing on Kate and Sarah, we overlooked the role the Gosselin kids would play. And as you can see in the following clip, they're a real handful. In the space of one minute, one of them ripped the tongue out of the Palin's bearskin rug.

And Kate's reaction is just one more reason why we wouldn't want the Gosselins coming over to our house. When your kid rips the tongue off someone's bearskin rug, it's only polite to offer to head over to Bears R Us to buy a replacement. But she acts all nonchalant and breezy, as though it were no big deal.

We never liked Kate Gosselin. But as a public service, we'd like to remind her that Sarah has guns, and she's not afraid to use them.

Enough with the squirrelly pornstache stoner look, already! Gah.

Our teenagers can write better than this. In their sleep. (Scroll down on the linked page to hear James read from his magnum opus, Palo Alto.)

We don't know where to begin snarking the little movie below.

But then, onscreen, you reveal what's beneath that slippery facade.

Which is the absolute opposite of what most American actors do.

And it's why we puffy, puffy, puffy heart you.

Photo: broadwayworld.com

Photographic evidence that Angelina Jolie is actually human and apparently.......gassy.

... be stuck with Kate Gosselin or Sarah Palin? On a camping adventure! With bears! And rain!

Seriously.

TLC pulled a crossover and tonight they'll be airing a very special episode of Sarah Palin's Alaska. The Gosselin kids and their nightmare mother roll up to the vastness that is the 49th state for some good old fashioned family fun with the Palin clan. Cute Piper (the only Palin girl not to be bashing gays on the Internet) is more than excited to be spending time with the famous multiples.

So sweet.

Not.

Here is a taste of how it goes down:

"The kids are having fun, so I'm tolerating it, but this is my new home," grumbles Kate, having sullenly planted herself beneath a tarp, far away from everyone else. "I'm miserable, but, I mean, somebody's got to be."

Followed by: "I don't see a table, I don't see utensils, I don't see hand-cleansing materials," she whimpers. "These are not ideal conditions. I'm freezing to the bone; I have 19 layers on; my hands are frigid. I held it together as long as I could and I'm done now!"

Oh Kate, you stupid ho. You're camping. Even Mamarazzi, who do not camp, know that you sound like a fool.

Sarah, ever gung-ho, announces to the group, "This is the most luxurious camping spot I've ever seen!"

Good stuff, no?

Mamarazzi will be tuning in to tonight's episode, because we expect a Chrismukkah miracle to occur: we'll turn to our various spouses and say, "I guess I would rather be stuck with Sarah."

(You know you married a younger woman when she has a Facebook account.)

So far, the mainstream media appears to be ignoring the news that 51-year-old Danny Bonaduce has married his manager, 28-year-old Amy Railsback.

But not us. We've had a soft spot for Danny since Breaking Bonaduce was on TV. The only thing better than watching our Danny chug vodka and inject himself with steroids was watching his supposedly distraught wife Gretchen Bonaduce tell her marriage counselor how upset she was about it all.

Gretchen and Danny in happier days. You can tell because she's sort of smiling.

Not that we weren't sympathetic to her pain. It's just that her face, Botoxed into immobility to a degree that would impress Nicole Kidman, didn't move. Or emote. At all.

This was trash TV at its finest. We gave it our highest rating: five bags of microwave popcorn.

And let's not forget the many times our Danny found an excuse to take off his clothes and display what years of tanning, working out, and shooting steroids have done to his grisly Leprechaun body.

Yes, Leprechaun is a horror film. Why do you ask?

Unfortunately, we can't expect this kind of thing to stop or even slow down any time soon. The new Mrs. Bonaduce has been managing our Danny for a few years, so we can only assume that she approves of flagrant Speedo abuse.

Anyway, Danny has a new bride (his third) his children, Count and Countess (yes, really) have a new stepmother, and the new Mrs. Bonaduce has her hands full.

The new season of Gene Simmons Family Jewels premiers on the 5th of December and Mamarazzi was lucky enough to get an early peak...

Now, Mamarazzi is new to the show and, to be honest, was expecting a lot of Rock God/Playmate antics, but instead got a tear inducing loving look at a real family.

Quelle Suprise!

Gene and longtime love and wife, former centerfold, Shannon Tweed and their 2 children, son Nick (21) and daughter Sophie (18) give us a most uncensored and loving reality show...

In an episode focusing on, "facing demons", Simmons and his band, KISS, travel to Amsterdam where he is forced to confront the brutal reality of his mother's young life imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp.

I know!

While he obviously knows of his mother's past, she has done much to spare him the brutal details of her personal experience during the Holocaust. A visit to the Anne Frank House brings home, like a sucker punch, the tragedy and insanity of that time in the world's history.

We can't really say more than it's a beautiful episode and worth watching.

And we'll be tuning in all season... after all, we don't mind a little Rock God/Playmate antics. ;)

There are some actors that are so ridiculously good-looking and adorable together, you can't help but hope they are the real deal, live happily ever after, and have lots and lots of pretty babies.

Like, Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway.

Great chemistry!
Amazingly cute!

And yet.................