July 2010 Archives

The rest of you can discuss Ellen quitting American Idol and speculate whether J. Lo will actually talk that way when she's on the show.

We're here to praise Nicole Kidman for dyeing her hair red.

Photo courtesy of DListed

First of all, it will inspire Lindsay Lohan to do something in jail other than eat Twizzlers. (Yo Lindsay, you've got some time on your hands ... how about getting rid of that crappy blonde dye job?)

Also, it might provoke an attack of the crazy from Tom Cruise. After all, check out this photo of Katie "Tree Trunks" Holmes. No contest, right?

Photo courtesy of Anthony Dixon/WENN.com

Some families text. Some email. Some even talk face to face. The Lohans communicate via song. Awesome, awesome song.

Seems that Lindsay's about to release a single in which she discusses her family problems; every 14 year old's dream! Except that Lindsay's nearly twice that age and maybe it's time to give it a rest already, hmmm?

BUT! Lindsay's ever-entertaining dad, Michael, has written and produced his own song, sung by a friend (he has friends?) that makes Richard Marx songs sound like punk rock.

Being parents ourselves, we believe that Michael's heart is in the right place. But his head? Where do we begin?

Behold the poignant poetry.

I loved and protected you, I was THERE through it all./I do admit, I did at times fall./But these things you know were due to "THEM"/The ones that want to have a piece of my gem!

"THEM"?!! Giant ants?!!

Oh. He's talking about US. Mean old Mamarazzi.

Hey, if we can be part of the inspiration for fine art, we've done our job. We are proud.

Angelina shows a fashion trend anyone can recreate with just a simple trip to the garage that is ideal for mothers of young, sticky children, anyone living in moist conditions, or wives of garbage collectors:

For years we couldn't figure out exactly why Paris Hilton looked like a vacuous real-life version of a Barbie doll. And then it hit us. The problem isn't her yellow dolly hair, vacant expression, and long, thin limbs. It's her tendency to accessorize herself like a Mrs. Potato Head. Case in point: on a recent trip to the beach, Paris, as usual, over-accessorized herself. Which accessories do you think she could do without?

Photo courtesy of X17

a) the gold sunglasses
b) the headband
c) the giant purse
d) the dinner napkin tied around her hips
e) the bracelets
f) the ring pop
g) the size 14 gold lamé ballet slippers
h) the bodyguard
i) the bodyguard's Johnny Walker Black

Oh dear, it looks like David Boreanaz has a ton of Tiger Woods in his tank, because another sex scandal has broken out.

This time, Kristina Hagan, an actress who appeared as an extra on Bones, accused Boreanaz of sending her obscene text messages, a cell phone photograph of his Bone (pun intended) and, on September 9th, masturbating in front of her.

So of course, instead of filing a complaint with Fox or calling the police or doing anything responsible and normal, three weeks later, she was alone with Boreanaz in his trailer, where she claims he made the moves on her. Again.

So Hagan did what anyone would do, and hired Gloria Allred to represent her in court.

Mamarazzi is willing to believe that Boreanaz is, like many men, a dog. But Mamarazzi smells a rat. A gold digging one.

Now, in case you came in late, Gloria Allred is an attorney famous for representing Rachel Uchitel in her action against Tiger Woods, as well as continuing the work of the Civil Rights movement by:

a) representing a client who claims to have been humiliated when she was made to take off her nipple rings in an airport in Lubbock, Texas;

b) representing a former bank employee who claims she was fired for being too attractive;

c) suing the former Sav-On Drugstore chain for having both a boys and a girls toy section.

That last case, in particular, makes us proud to be American. After all, separate sections for boys' and girls' toys? If Allred hadn't focused the laser-sharp beams of her fine legal mind on the problem, Sav-On would probably be making the girls toys ride in the back of the Fisher Price Little People Bus.

Now when a serious injustice has occurred, it's worth while to hire the finest legal representation possible. You really want to feel certain that your attorney will do whatever it takes to win you a fat settlement ensure justice is served, and girls and boys toys can mingle freely on store shelves.

So we're surprised Hagan didn't hire someone from Wolfram & Hart.

We're not joking, we're beginning to think Spencer Pratt has singlehandedly re-invented celebrity.

You know Spencer, the "Sp" in "Speidi" even if you have no idea why. Seriously, what has he achieved? We think that he's famous because he instinctively knows how to artlessly grab our attention and, unexplainably, make us want more. We're addicted to him like a cheap, nasty street drug: He makes us feel horrible, yet we must have more.

But enough about us. How do YOU feel about Sp?

It's a tricky tight rope, trying to balance motherhood and being stylish.
Model mommy Heidi Klum broke down her formula for fashion so ALL mothers can look fabulous :
"Be organized. Narrow it all done to make it work," Klum advises.

"Get rid of all the things that are too 'Mumsy.' I got rid of all my over-baggy, nasty, jim-jam things that are frumpy, so when you put things together, everything is working."

So there you have it! Clean your damn closet and ditch the mom jeans and you could look like Heidi!

Yes, it's come to this. All the Mamas of Razzi are too busy being fabulous to snark.

See, Poppy's at some fancy-schmancy music camp with her son and daughter, Kristin's managing to not have a heart attack while watching her boys (and maybe girl) surf the Pacific, and Sarah's teaching her daughter to drive on terrifying mountain roads, plus she might even cook for once so that her son doesn't continue to live off of his preferred diet of popcorn and Oreos. Susie? She's got four sons. Nuff said.

Tune in tomorrow for good clean snarky fun.

We've been pretty much ignoring reality television lately ... but hey, when real life brings us Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan, who can blame us?

Still, the photographs of Teresa Giudice's house from The Real Housewives of New Jersey caught our eye. How could they not?

Not just because of the size or the gaudiness. Not because of Teresa's infamous table flip or the "prostitution hoo-ah." And not because she and her husband have declared bankruptcy and are $11 million in debt.

It's because she's selling Happy Wife, Happy Life t-shirts on her website. And for $29.99, you, too, can own an overpriced bling-encrusted t-shirt.

So ladies, we urge you to think about it. Come on. A lipgloss or maybe a t-shirt. Maybe a copy of her Skinny Italian cookbook.

Otherwise, we're afraid Liberace is going to repossess those chandeliers.

Dina, the things you say, we couldn't ever make up. You're that incredible. Literally.

You know the whole, absurd story about why Dina Lohan doesn't want meal ticket daughter Lindsay to go to jail. We honestly believe that Dina's heart is in the right place but her arguments for why Lindsay mustn't go to jail move us as much as Lindsay's courtroom plea for leniency - "I was working with children *sob* - it wasn't a vacation. *weep*"

Dina says that Lindsay can't go to jail because:

1. "Lindsay is sober and she's fine" Snork.

2. The other inmates will try to kill Lindsay for ultimate street cred. Um, Dina, if Lindsay goes down, so does the California prison system and Judge Revel, L. A. Mayor Villaraigosa, and Gov. Schwwarzzenneggerrr won't let that happen. Then again, we can see Lindsay starring in a movie about gorgeous, crazy, violent, sexy lesbian women behind bars.

3. Lindsay is claustrophobic. Yes, we know. That's why Lindsay spends 90% of her waking hours in claustophobes' nightmare locales, airplanes and dark, crowded, noisy clubs.

But Dina, today we thank you for delivering our punch line for us. You, and we are not making this up, told that pillar of journalistic excellence, In Touch magazine:

"Lindsay actually wants to open up her own rehab center here (in Los Angeles) and a couple across the country to help other kids and celebs so they don't fall through the cracks in this town," Dina said. "She mentioned it to me a couple of days ago. She's really growing up."

No doubt she's taking careful notes in her new rehab center, coincidentally owned by her new (hoo boy) attorney.

You know how, for some reason, certain days just suck starting the second you opened your eyes that morning?

We're pretty sure Sarah Palin is having one of those days today.

This trial was like the Thanksgiving centerpiece on the Lohan's dining room table--a full-to-overflowing Horn of Crazy. Rainbow-colored obscene fingernails? Hysterical crying? Both parents scrambling for interviews? Constantly switching legal representation?

Well, we've figured out why.

Lindsay and her immediate circle are too busy partying and doing drugs to watch TV. If they had watched even half as much TV as the average American, they'd know not to mess with a judge.

Lindsay probably thought Lindsey's judge would be like Lance Ito, the judge on O. J. Simpson's murder trial, whereas 20 minutes of Judge Judy would have taught her different that Ito is the exception that proves the rule. Whisper, giggle, or fidget too much, and you risk being expelled from the courtroom. Make sure you've gone to the powder room before court starts, because potty breaks are up to the judge, too. Everyone stands up when a judge walks into the courtroom. Come on, who else do Americans do that for? Not the President. Not the Pope. Not even Queen Elizabeth II, and we've heard she'd cut a bitch.

Judge Marsha Revel is our new heroine. Watch her sentence Lindsay here:

Now that the LAPD has opened a domestic violence inquiry about Mel Gibson, there's only one place this can go.

And that's reality TV.

Help us pick a name and an elevator pitch for Mel's reality show! Come on--anyone can play!

I Hope They Serve Beer in Mel

A gritty, no-holds-barred Breaking Bonaduce-style investigation into alcohol abuse, rehab, and rehab abuse. Starring Mel Gibson, his ex-wife, his ex-girlfriend, his therapist, and a bottle hidden in a brown paper bag.

Apocalypse Mel

Mel travels through LA (or maybe it's the Australian outback--who can tell?) picking fights with local law enforcement. Filmed entirely in an aboriginal dialect--except for the swearing and anti-Semitic remarks.

Mel and Date Plus 8

A competition where Mel brings home a variety of beautiful women to help him raise his kids. The winner is the first one to get knocked up.

Betty White has a pinup calendar for 2011. We love it! We think Betty's awfully cute surrounded by baby oiled young men.

Now, some people will cry "Double standard! Why is it cute for an old woman to be sexy with younger guys but terribly wrong for an octogenarian man to mess around with the barely (pun!) legal?"

Fair question, awesome answer.

Picture this brief excerpt from Kendra Wilkinson's upcoming memoir book Sliding Into Home:

"One of the girls asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to Hef's room... One by one, each girl hopped on Hef and had sex with him... for about a minute."

Blerg! Purge this mental image from our brains!

See, here's the difference: We're pretty darn sure that Betty's only sharing her bed with her pets and possibly a hot water bottle or two.

In related news, Madonna's begun interviewing contenders for her 2030-2031 season boyfriend...

If you start feeling bad for Lindsay Lohen's recent sentencing,

please know that she's the one who said "I can't get in trouble, I'm a celebrity, I can do whatever the fuck I want."

And although she couldn't make all her scheduled court appearances, Linds managed to squeeze the time in to get an extra special manicure before her sentencing.

The only person we feel sorry for in these pictures is the poor lawyer trying to represent and defend this spoiled, addicted, immature mess.

How could we not cover this... also, how on Earth does this happen? How did anyone think a Break Up special was a good idea? The dollars. They must have been a rollin'.

Jake and Vienna. As you know, after weeks of Mamarazzi's life being devoted to documenting their Wings of Love, things have come crashing down... it seems that maybe they never did the sexy times? Click to watch Jake be a total douche and Vienna pretend cry

Vienna's no prize, but that guy is a dick.

OK, this is when we realized that we're whores. Because nobody wants a cheating bastard for a husband. Correction: nobody wants a flagrantly sex-addicted cocktail-waitress-chasing cheating bastard for a husband.

But Elin Woods was just awarded $100 million.

Let's put this into perspective. Yes, her husband is worth $500 million, and yes, she was publicly humiliated. But when Tiger met Elin, she was a nanny. And now, after less than six years of marriage, she's leaving with $100 million.

If she does nothing but stick the whole amount in a crappy 5 year CD, she'll have an income of $2 million a year--and that's without touching the principal.

Well played, Elin! And pay up, Tiger. Those cheap cocktail waitresses seem pretty expensive now, don't they?

Mel, Mel, Mel. You do have a way with words.

Friends, no doubt you've already read about the secretly recorded tapes that leaked after being presented in Oksana Grigorieva's and Mel's breakup and custody court hearing. Mel was taped screaming such gems as (WARNING: This is rough stuff!):

"You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.

"Look what you did to me... look what you are... look what every part of you is... fucking fake... fucking fake. You are the most synthetic person... who the fuck are you?"

Mel, try the Mamarazzi Method of Anger Management. It's so simple! Just change a few words when you need to blow off steam. Here's how it works:

All nasty nouns should be replaced by the word "diphthong".

Change all adjectives to "moist".

Any words ending with "-ing"? Replace them with "snorkeling".

Please replace all horrible verbs with "flummox".

You won't make any sense but you'll sound amusing and not like the disgusting racist/sexist/all around equal opportunity hater you evidently are.

One thing can stay, though. In Oksana's case, the word "fake" shouldn't be replaced. Any dolt can see that it's appropriate.

This is important: Always speak with a hand puppet.

Better yet, follow the lead of your doppelganger, The Burger King. He simply smiles and doesn't say a snorkeling thing.

Happy birthday, Douchebag.

We hate to break it to you, but your license to lift up your clothes and show everyone your underwear is revoked at your fourth birthday.

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Photo courtesy of DListed.