Denial, thy name is Dina Lohan. (Actually, Big Fat Headline-Hogging Idiot is more accurate, but even we'll admit that's a bit of a mouthful.)
See, since May 24th, Lindsay Lohan has been wearing a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. A SCRAM (or secure continuous remote alcohol monitor) measures blood alcohol level through perspiration on the skin. Not much of a fashion statement, but a pretty effective deterrent, right?
Two ways to conceal a SCRAM: wear something so low-cut that it deflects attention towards your enormous chest freckles ...
Except that after the MTV Movie awards on June 8th, Lindsay's SCRAM bracelet showed that she'd been drinking.
So what happens? Lindsay claims somebody spilled a drink down her leg. Which is ridiculous. A SCRAM is designed to measure the way the body metabolizes alcohol, and a spilled drink would measure as a sudden, dramatic, and obvious spike in the readings.
. ... and wear pants that are so long, they're almost in China. (Photo courtesy of MTV.com)
Not to mention the fact that Lindsay was wearing pants--maybe the world's longest pair. But that didn't stop Dina from backing Lindsay's story to the hilt:
She was at the MTV Awards and somebody spilled a drink on her leg, which must have set off the SCRAM bracelet. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn't have to wear the bracelet in the first place. She is doing absolutely fine.
Sometimes we have a slow news day around here, so we debated the idea of having one of us wear a Secure Continuous Remote Asshat Monitor. How great would that be? Every time a celebrity did something mockable, we'd hear about it right away.
But then we realized it would go off every time Dina Lohan opened her mouth.
I think perhaps Dina was drunk on that particular day and this would explain why she behaved a little strange.
So what's her excuse all the other days....