Yesterday, we had something to say about the way Christie Brinkley and her daughter Alexa Ray Joel appear to have taken part in some mother/daughter plastic surgery. We didn't really notice what Alexa Ray looked like before, so we're not going to criticize her nose job. But we thought Christie's cheeks looked strangely chipmunk-y.
And then today we noticed this photograph of Madonna. Apparently everyone who's anyone is doing this weird thing to their cheeks.
Are those Madonna's cheeks, or is she building a couple of additions on her face? We're thinking it's an addition--two entire new wings, one for her orphan collection and one for her boy toys.
And we think she should sue her contractor.
Can somebody explain this phenomenon? Is this cheek implants? Fat injections? Storing nuts for the winter?
Whatever. We never thought we'd say this, but Madonna's cheeks look like ass.
According to Star Magazine, Christie Brinkley and Alexa Ray Joel skipped the Mother - Daughter mani-pedi and dropped $60 grand on looney tunes Mother - Daughter plastic surgery.
Alright, alright, we kid. They didn't go Looney Tunes, they went Disney.
Alexa traded her natural nose, which looked just fine to us, for The Jasmine.
Christie chose The Aristocats Duchess facelift.
Pssst, Christie: We suggest adding Rogaine® to your facial beauty regimen, as The Duchess looks best when covered in fur.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith, we have some good news and some bad news for you.
The bad news is: not only is your daughter Melissa a stripper, she was also one of the mistresses to Jesse James who helped him in the destruction of his marriage to Sandra Bullock and forcing her into the role of single mother of their newly adopted son.
The good news is what your daughter lacks in morales, she makes up for in manners as evidenced by the apology letter she sent to the Oscar winning spouse of the man she'd been sleeping with.
You are about our age. You seem to be a good mother and have set the bar high for The Civilized Divorce.
Despite the years between you and Ashton, the marriage appears to be strong and full of love... we even slightly buy into "having a lot of fun with your mate" as one of your secrets to eternal youth.
But Demi. Demi, Demi, Demi... when you start claiming,"I don't dye my hair, but I do have a few grey hairs that I pluck out."
Mamarazzi is forced to call bullshit.
Maybe it's because we've been frosting, highlighting, hennaing and all over color processing our own sad hairs since the mid eighties, or maybe it's because you are a 47 year old brunette.
Yes, probably the 47 year old brunette thing is what makes your claim sound, shall we say, a bit hinky.
Evade or straight out lie as long as you want about not having had plastic surgery... sure you've had 3 kids and your boobs are perkier than a 22 year old's... sure, you don't have a line on your forehead...
Good Genes! Clean Living! Pilates!
But no hair dye?
In the immortal words of Snoop Dog, Bitch, Please.
According to DListed, both ABC and Fox had problems with this advertisement for Lane Bryant underwear. ABC felt "the cleavage of the plus-size models ... was excessive."
And yet, these are the same clowns who feel free to feature "breasts" like these in their programming:
Note to Hollywood: there's an easy, inexpensive, safe, natural-looking, non-invasive way to increase breast size. It's called eating.
OK, you're an ancient (62 going on 162) Rolling Stone. You make millions just slouching in your rocking chair. Yet you attract hot babes. How do you decide whether they're worth putting up with all the obvious differences? How do you decide whether they're worth taking years off you life?
Mamarazzi exclusively knows that Ron makes a list of pros and cons. Behold.
Pro: She's old school groovy. Con: Dear God, I was making peace symbols way back in 1965.
Pro: She's got me drinking water instead of gin. Con: Gad, her lack of subtlety makes even ME want to bolt.
Pro: She's CRAZY! Con: She's CRAZY!
Pro: Aww, she wants to be Number One in my life. Con: WHAT?! She wants me to throw out my very hot photos of my 20-year-old ex?!
We never thought there would come a day when Britney Spears would serve as a positive role model, but we're big enough women to admit that we were wrong.
Unlike "Goddess" Demi Moore who insists that airbrushing and retouching doesn't exist, Britney released the unretouched photo shoot for Candie's clothing.
It's amazing to see how a normal, healthy-looking woman was turned into a thin, glowing, flawless creature
Thanks for showing the world that not even the girl photographed looks like the girl in those photos, Brit.
Spring must have turned our cold ashen hearts to Marshmallow Peep gooey goodness. How else can we explain our compulsion to gaze at this photo of Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdales's sons Kingston and Zuma and grin so goofily that we're creeping out our own kids?
Moments like this are why we wanted kids in the first place. And once in while, kids actually look and act the way our hearts always see them.
Now Charlie Sheen has given himself a buzz cut, and is leaving the house in his pajamas.
We smell midlife crisis, don't you? Now here's the genius part. If they play their cards right and get this bottled in time, a lucky fragrance manufacturer can have Crise Masculin in stores in time for Father's Day. The marketing ploy? A spritz a day will fend off your husband's midlife crisis.
Just think, buy your husband a bottle of Crise Masculin and you won't have to worry that junior's college fund will be squandered on a red convertible.
What will it smell like? We're imagining top notes of Rogaine and Amstel Light, with mid-notes of health club locker rooms, new car upholstery, and the nutritional supplement section of Whole Foods, and base notes of self-loathing, shame, and Viagra.
First, Golem Larry King announced that he's divorcing his eighth wife.
Moments later, we learned that Mel Gibson has split from the mother of his eighth child.
We're not so concerned that the women will find love again.
It's the ungracefully aging men who need a matchmaker, and we're here to help.
Oh yeah, we saw Pamela Anderson flirting with Larry on his show last night. The thought of those two together squicks us out to the point where we need to exterminate our brains. Who could possibly match a sickly old dude who's been married eight times to seven women?
Elizabeth Taylor! She's also been married eight times to seven men, many of whom would never make People's Sexiest Men Alive issue. And she's available!
As for Mel's mate, who could possibly relate to an, um, eccentric man who's used to the mayhem of gazillion kids? Who's desperate and crazy enough for Mel?
along comes some proof that we're actually not aging all that badly.
To illustrate our point, we offer a photograph of the Moonstruck-era Nicolas Cage
Now, you're all probably too young to remember an old hair dye commercial in which the pretty young spokeswoman declares "If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a blonde!"
Apparently, Nicolas Cage got as far as "If I have only one life to live, let me live it as," whereupon he became confused, grabbed a Magic Eight Ball and concluded:
a) the skeleton in Donald Trump's dressing room
b) the stuff they swept off the floor of Britney's hair salon
c) Misty of Chincoteague's tail.
d) ask again later
e) all of the above.
Actually, we're not sure what that mess is supposed to be. Any ideas?
We've just heard that you've landed a new television show, Twist of Kate, where you'll be meeting other single mothers. Sort of like The Simple Life, where Paris and Nicole traveled around the country interacting with ordinary people.
Hello, did we watch Jon and Kate plus Eight because of your wonderful parenting abilities? Or even your OCD housecleaning and husband whipping skills?
No, we watched J&K+8 because of your adorable children. And OK, we admit it, to watch as your marriage to Jon slowly circled the bowl.
But Kate, you have delusions of glamor. You're not Paris Hilton or Nicole Ritchie. You're a suburban housewife with a Mystic tan, some highlights, and a tummy tuck.
Our advice to you is to remarry. Pick someone named Ken with two kids from a previous marriage. Then you can have a show called Kate and Ken plus 10. We'd tune in for that.
The wait is over. Bristol Palin has finally made a public service announcement essentially saying "You betcha I wish I'd used a condom."
Now, Mamarazzi isn't about to make fun of Bristol. The video's point is right, even if it does make Bristol look like a crackhead whose underclothed baby whacks his forehead as if to say, "Of all possible places, the stork brought me here? CRAP!"
We've got our panties in a knot over The Candie's Foundation and its parent company, designers of plastic eff-me-now shoes, Candie's, Inc.
Remember this iconic Candie's ad?
So has Candie's tweaked their image? Are they now promoting their shoes by featuring admirable, responsible role models?
Think about it. Candie's certainly doesn't want their prime customers to be spending shoe money on diapers, now do they?
So we suggest that Candie's erect a more appropriate product line to firm up their "Pause Before You Play" campaign, a product line extension if you will:
Candie's Condoms.
The addition of tights to never-nudes was daring choice, but Suri realized Mama was missing this season's must-have accessory and only she could help her.
During an appearance on Ryan Seacrest's radio program to promote, um... herself, Heidi Montag shared some new details regarding her eleventy seven cosmetic procedures.
Not only were the boobs enlarged and the thighs sucked and the jaw sanded down, but apparently the back was "scooped".
When Mrs. Mr. Seacrest rightly asked just what in the hell that meant Heidi replied: I actually didn't know. I might be the first one to try it. It carves out your back a little bit.
Slow clap for mysterious cosmetic procedure!
Sigh.
Mamarazzi doesn't really know what to say. Poking fun at this miserable creature, who thanks to her new freaky boobs cannot run or hug, is like shooting fish in a barrel, but at the same time, REALLY?
You had something done to your body and you don't really know what? Is it possible for someone to be this incredibly moronic?
She ends the interview by stating that she and her equally repellant husband, Spencer Pratt, are thinking of moving to Costa Rica... Mamarazzi says, Adios!
Are you among the 38% who got our April Fool's quiz right? If so, you either read about this somewhere else or you're just as twisted as us at Mamarazzi. Either way, CONGRATULATIONS! We bow to you.
So on a recent trip to Venice, Angelina Jolie dropped $5,000 on an Akris ponyhair bag. But before she handed over her credit card, she had her stylist call the company to assure her that the ponies were treated well. She was assured that they were.
We're sure the news gave Angelina the warm squishies, but honestly, if she's trying to rehabilitate her image (and she should be, considering the allegations in the InTouch interview) buying a white bag made of the ponytails of virginal unicorns is just a first step.
Next, she'll have to fill the bag with fortune cookies full of messages like "I'm sorry I stole Brad" and have it shipped to Jennifer.
Most important of all, she'll have to get Billygoat Brad to shave off his chin dreads. Sorry, Angie, but we're married women, and we know who has final say about a man's appearance.
Here are some of Brad's facial hair shenanigans when he was married to Jennifer
Angie, wake up. This thing is a cry for help. Forget the ponies and the orphans for a minute and save Brad. If you're really serious about making the world a better place, go all Delilah on Brad's chin. If this thing gets any longer, Brad will be able to donate his chin dreads to Locks of Love and have them weave you a designer bag out of it.
Happy April Fool's Day! We thought we'd try to fool you with a silly story but had second thoughts because we know you're smart, savvy and possibly have kids who've lamely attempted to fool you since 7:00 AM.
So we've got three stories for you. Only one is real - we completely made up the other two. Tell us which one is real and you win... win... um, our undying respect.
1. Jesse James' PR people are working very, very hard to restore his image as a good guy. First, the standard 45-day stint in sex rehab should help his image among women. But Jesse's got lots of kid fans too, and women will need a lot of work to win back. So, Jesse's people have contacted the Children's Television Workshop, which produces Sesame Street, to help. Because competitor Yo Gabba Gabba's been snagging all the cool celebs and ratings, CTW is interested.
According to reports, Jesse just may make an appearance on Sesame Street talking with Oscar the Grouch about how "doing things that you know you shouldn't do makes everyone unhappy, including yourself". One idea they're considering is is having Jesse sing a duet with Oscar, the classic "I Love Trash", knowing that grownups will get the reference to Jesse's trashy girlfriends! His people believe that, seeing Jesse "talking man to Muppet" in an "endearingly self-depreciating manner" will win back the "3 to 8 and 18 to 40 year demographic".
******
2. eBay listed a doll for sale that claims to be haunted by the "spirit of (a) 15 year old hussy from 1769". The ad says the doll was raped and beaten by many men at a time, "has many nasty behaviors" and "stinks of cheap whiskey and sex". The listing adds that one "must be at least 18 years old and mentally sound to bid". The listing makes the doll out to be not a victim, but a trashy young woman. What do you know, eBay has removed the listing.
******
3. Octomom Nadya Suleman's nannies have been talking to the press again, this time about Octomom's new aversion to touching anything resembling trash.
"It's gotten to the point where she won't even put stuff in the trash. She won't touch dirty diapers. She won't even change them any more", complained one nanny. Another noted, "She shrieks at us to throw out trash (that) she made herself... She yells at us to take out the trash a dozen times a day. She has 14 kids and they make a lot of trash."
The nannies agree that Octomom's new trash phobia isn't real, that she's faking it so that she doesn't have to do anything except "go out and get a pedicure".
Tell us which story's real! We'll divulge the answer on Saturday.
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