Let's work backwards shall we?
Backwards from 3 hours, thank you very much ABC, which is how long this romantical festival of forever took... 3 HOURS.
It's Vienna for The Final Rose and no weak "let's date and see where this goes" half ass commitment speech from the most chatty and decisive Bachelor in history... nosireebob, Jake gets down and one knee and proposes to Vienna with a very sparkly Neil Lane diamond ring.
Hearts! Flowers! Love!
Meh.
Mamarazzi, for what it's worth, does not get all the hot hate for Vienna found in chatrooms and, of course, in the weird little tribe of Season 14 Bachlorettes. ABC, for all their efforts and Ali, the Queen of the Mean Girls, for all her bitching, never showed the viewer anything more than a rather hyper girl who offended by talking about how great her one on one date with Jake was... something that every other girl in the history of the show has done... It really felt as though Ali realized Vienna was her greatest competition and started the Down With Vienna campaign... and it worked. Girl didn't have a friend in the house or, in the audience.
PSA:
Here is the thing - bullying is never ok. Trashing others to make yourself feel better or to try and direct an outcome to your desires is not ok. And don't give Mamarazzi that old, "where there is smoke there is fire" bit because it doesn't hold. Girls are committing suicide over being bullied. They are dropping out of school, sports programs, and jobs... in this case, we never saw one damn example of why she was so bad... Vienna even apologized to the house at large for whatever she had supposedly done and what she got for that was more hateful behavior. Mamarazzi won't be recapping Ali's season as the Bachlorette because quite frankly, she is just not a nice person.
Now, back to the recap:
It was basically, "He's Just Not That Into You."
There was the meeting of Jake's family where everyone cried because Tenley is a real live Disney Princess and if Jake picks her it will be a world of magical talking animals and dishes... or Vienna where everyone decides she isn't that bad after all.
There are long walks on the beach with Jake looking stressed and if you thought it was a good idea to have a shot of liquor each and every time Jake said, "It's hard to be in love with 2 women", you are probably in the hospital today.
Other overused potential leading to alcohol poisoning phrases: Vienna is so full of life/Tenely has such strong values/both these women have a piece of my heart.
Mamarazzi hopes you are all ok.
Final dates: Volcano Mud Bath for Vienna and Snorkeling for Tenely and basically Jake lets the old cat out of the bag on that big yacht with Tenley... the physical chemistry is just not there. Oh, he backpedals something fierce, but it's out there, hanging around in the air, and it's something all the women at home know to be true... The Evil Queen is sexier than Snow White.
Helicopter! Jade Mountain! Jake!
Mamarazzi would just like to point out that St. Lucia is ridiculously gorgeous and if the Tourism Board is looking to bring some snark to their island, Mamarazzi is available.
Jake breaks Tenley's heart and much to the dismay of Mamarazzi's cousin, Tenley does not do a sad Mime Dance of the Broken Hearted.. instead she tearfully thanks Jake for showing her that she can love again and Jake tells her he'll never forget her.
Vienna arrives and can barely walk for the nerves. It's okay Vienna, tah dah: You're the Final Rose!
Ring! Tears! Proposal! Yes!
snooze.
After the Final Rose
Lights! Camera! Tenley!
Tell America how much it sucked to have your heart stomped on... oh, Chris Harrison, you dog.
Tenley does and she is sweet and Mamarazzi will be honest with you... that voice is not something we will miss.
Jake comes out and Tenely tries to stick it to him a little by asking if it was fair to Vienna for him to propose when he obvs all these feelings for her. Jake basically slaps her down by plainly stating that the magic sparks? Not with her. But he'll always be her friend.
Tenley hauls off and smacks him in the kisser.
No? Well, she should have.. friend!
Jake then tells America to basically suck it. Vienna is "his baby" and has a wonderful heart and they are so in love and then Vienna comes out and she looks better... her hair is a little warmer blonde and it's an improvement. Chris Harrison queries her on all the negative tabloid press and she calls it all nonsense and tells us that she is such a "sweet person."
No love from the audience. But they seem happy. She is moving to Dallas and Mamarazzi wishes them well... fade out to Jeffrey Osbourne, LIVE and serenading them to, of course, On the Wings of Love.
Now it's time for the official reveal: Ali the new Bachlorette.
Hoo-fucking-Ray
She's all "blessed" and "overwhelmed" and everyone is clapping and if Mamarazzi sets the DVR correctly, Mamarazzi will never have to see her again.
How will Ali be able to be the Bachlorette with her big important JOB?
Man you make me laugh!!! Spot on as always. I personally was not a fan of either finalists. I think Jake and Tenley would prove terribly boring, and I just could not get past Vienna's poor use of grammar at times. Snobby of me and all that implies I know. My only surprise was that they are still together, looking wonderfully in love. Kudos to that I suppose.
Um, my last name. Oops.
Oh my God was I the only one dry heaving? Worst. Soundtrack. Ever.
If I hear that song again, I will surgically remove my own ear drums. Can't be more painful than listening to that shit.
Coco, NO!!! You were not the only one gagging over that shlocky crap! I hit mute and changed the channel fast, lol. The ongoing crap about him being a pilot was positively vomit inducing... "I wanna be your copilot"... hack gag... blaaaargh...
Now someone tell me... have ANY of the bachelors actually married anyone they picked on the show? I don't mean like the asshole (Jason?) who picked one then dumped her later for the one he originally dumped... I mean for one they first chose... have any of them stuck it out? They all seem to fall apart when real life kicks in... or sometimes it's the celebrity factor they can't seem to handle... I know some of the bachelorettes have gotten married to their choice and it seems to be working out.
And for the record, I think these two might actually make it. I dunno why... just something about her that tells me they will be the first.