March 2010 Archives

It's not just who you know, it's also the material you're given.

Mamarazzi was going to get all clever what with Rick Martin now Living La Vida obvious Loca, until we realized that we don't really care. Go on with your newly-outed-but-we've-always-suspected bad self Mr. Martin and enjoy life with your darling babies.

In other not surprising news, Kate Gosselin is still driving men away!

With Jon Gosselin busily campaigning for the title of Supreme Tool (chief competition: Michael Lohan) we've all sort of forgotten what an supreme pain in the keister his ex wife can be... fortunately, she's back on Dancing With the Stars to remind the world at large just why this douchebag used to be a sympathetic figure.

Last night Tony Dovolani, Kate's unfortunate partner, was driven past exasperation and right to the unemployment line as he finally burst with I dramatic but heartfelt, I Quit!

We know!

¡Escándalo!

After what Mamarazzi can only assume is a producer and contract driven conversation, Tony returns with dead eyes to apologize and solider on... and solider on they do right into the worst Jive you've ever seen...

it's long, but it includes their routine... Tony stalks off about 1:44... you will watch, but you will not thank us.

What do you think?

It never ends up well.

Why do we say that?

Well, just as we were recovering from the cornea-searing experience of seeing Sandra Bullock's husband's tattooed that's-no-lady-that's-my-mid-life-crisis in all her colorful glory

Michelle McGee courtesy of US Magazine

the new wires start buzzing with the story of Bob Geldof's daughter Peaches and her adventures in L.A.

Photo of Peaches and "Big Ben" courtesy of Pedestrian TV

It seems that Peaches hooked up with another tattoo fan, whereupon they went to a hotel room, did some heroin, had some sex, and took some pictures of each other. Which the guy, code name "Big Ben" decided to post on the internet.

(Click here for more NSFW photos.)

Now it looks like Peaches is going to lose her job as spokesperson for Ultimo, a British lingerie line aimed at young women.

Apparently her behavior is too risqué even for them.

The lesson we've all learned from this? Avoid covering your body with distinguishing marks. They wreck your chance to come up with a half-way plausible story, should you do something stupid while cameras are around.

With all those tattoos in evidence, Peaches was reduced to claiming that she didn't use heroin. All she did was get really, really drunk!
Well, as it turns out, major corporations aren't all that happy being represented by sloppy drunks, either.

So what have we learned, children? If you must cover your body with tattoos, please keep your clothes on, unless for some reason a major corporation is paying you to prance around in their underwear.

Because Peaches has already been replaced with a mercifully tattoo-free Kelly Brook.

There. We hope we've cleared everything up. Now excuse us. We have some children to lock up.

Photo courtesy of DListed

Yeah, we know it looks like Madame Tussaud's latest exhibit, but that wax Robert Pattinson is absorbing 47 times its weight in excess estrogen.

Seriously, some of those girls look like they just spewed out a lifetime's worth of eggs in one stupendous semi-orgasmic ovulation-a-thon.

We predict a rapid drop in England's birthrate.

Oh, and we're gratified to see that too-tight skinny jeans and Converse sneakers have become a worldwide trend. National pride dictates that teenagers everywhere look at least as stupid as ours. Go USA!

Wait a minute ... that whole Twilight thing is pretty much our fault, isn't it? Never mind.

Photo: WENN

At long last, Brad explained to Britain's Sun why he grew that gnarly beard and why he still has it.

"It's boredom. No other reason than that."

Bradley, we understand how it is. Even with forty-seven six kids, a househusband can get very bored indeed while Wifey is off trying to snag her newest co-star at work.

Mamarazzi suggests you do what experienced housespouses do. Read and learn, Brad.

First and foremost, plan your daily activites.





Start your day on a bright, shiny note!





Shop for a meal that will make you spouse proud.





Take a moment to relax with your favorite tunes.





Explore new activities!





Spend some quality time with your best friend.





Get creative! Make something incorporating a passion you share with your spouse; in this case, your mutual love of architecture and Jell-o®!





Last, but not least, Brad, take comfort thinking warm thoughts about what your spouse is doing at this very moment. There, now doesn't this help?

Last night the judges on "Dancing with the Stars/Attention Whores" described Kate Gosselin's dance partner as "looking like he was pushing a shopping cart around the dance floor."
In her defense, Kate did say she was dedicating her performance "to all the moms out there!" If that's the intent, we're really hoping Laundry Folding Salsa is more animated than The Pepto-Bismal Grocery Shopping Waltz.

Beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft 7in-5ft 8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.

So reads the casting notice for the latest installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise... in fact, actresses can expect to undergo a "jiggle test" at audition... No Jiggle, No Job.

Why? You might rightly ask. Well, here is your answer: In the last movie, there were enhanced breasts to give that 18th-century whorish look, and men were pretty well padded too, and no one worried," a former casting agent said. "But times are changing, and the audience can spot false breasts.

First of all, the last movie was only in 2007... audiences could pretty much spot fake boobs even way back then and secondly, the men were padded too?

Does this mean what Mamarazzi hopes thinks?

Only real big d*cks need apply?

Ahoy!

We've always wondered why Shauna Sand wears lucite platforms everywhere she goes.

Well, that's an exaggeration. We realize she does it because she has delusions of sexiness.

All that bikini bottom needs is two strips of bacon and some maple syrup.

But to the beach? On the sand? How hot can that sand be? (For that matter, how hot can that Sand be? Hee! A pun! You're welcome.)

Anyway, we figured it out. Shauna is being practical. Look what the beach has done to her Vuitton bag. Here it is on the website:

and here's Shauna's:

She is obviously very hard on her clothes. We didn't realize it before because she wears so few, but it must be true. As the detectives always say, "it's the only explanation that makes sense."

She wears the stripper shoes because she's hard on her shoes, and plastic shoes are practical. You can take them to the beach, out in the mud, even cover them with lube--they hose right down and are good as new!

But honestly. To the beach?

Somebody needs to tell her about Crocs.
---
Photos courtesy of MK at DListed, except for the shot of the Vuitton bag, which was from Portero

Demi Moore must be kind of sick of posing for nude pictures.

Even semi-nude pictures appear to have lost their charm.

The symbolism of the giant V on Demi's va-jay-jay completely eludes us.

Maybe it's because she wants to divert attention away from that whole "they Photoshopped her hips away" scandal of Fall, 2009, but she seems more interested in oversized props these days.

Like a giraffe. The spiral staircase. AND THOSE SHOES.
--
Credits: Animated W magazine covers courtesy of boingboing; Harper's Bazaar cover courtesy of Ms. Moore's twitter account.

Photo: westcoastchoppers.com

What a week. First, Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes split. Then Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy part. Then (maybe - it's still early in the day) Britney and Jason Trawick! We thought they'd last forever! And what's this we hear about Matt Damon and Jason Bourne?

Now it's Sandra Bullock and Jesse James' turn. According to In Touch magazine, which we know we can trust, Sandra Bullock's husband, Jesse James of West Coast Choppers fame, took a few joy rides with tattoo model (you can't make this stuff up!) Michelle "Bombshell" McGee.

Ms. Bombshell allegedly calls Jesse "Vanilla Gorilla" because of the size of his, er, spark plug. Imagine our respect for a woman who makes bad puns based on a cartoon that was too monkey brained even for us.

SO. "Due to unforeseen personal reasons", Sandra's pulled out of next Tuesday's London premier of The Blind Side.

She's also reportedly pulled out of their home.

Jesse's pulled out of his Twitter account.

Hopefully, Vanilla Gorilla has also pulled out of Bombshell.

Mamarazzi says, Sandra, we love you and implore you not to worry.

Judging from this photo from her website, we're pretty sure Miss Bombshell is merely a heavily inked Roxxxy Sexbot.

Photo: michellebombshell.com

Here's the thing-if you sleep with a married man,

and get pregnant and bear a child that appears to be his clone,

and years later agree to a photoshoot and interview in a major league magazine

you don't get to act all offended and say the magazine picked photos "that only hit one note."
It's time to own it, sistah-friend.

Crazy

Mamarazzi is a little unclear on the law, but, as a person who has "accidentally" shot one girlfriend, beat another, and threatened to have his ex wife killed... well, even Mamarazzi would like to point out: pattern.

It's just our opinion. We've watched a lot of Law and Order.

What makes all this particularly delightful is that Brooke Mueller, Charlie's wife, is working some rehab at home program to combat her crack and alcohol addiction.

Seriously.

What the hell, Sheens?

What do you think?

We just heard that Madonna is going to be designing producing putting her name on a line of junior clothing and accessories.

Now, some of us have teenage daughters with pretty definite ideas of what is and is not in style. (Like, say, velour tracksuits.) These teens will be glad to hear that Lourdes is going to help design the line.

Oh, and the line is going ibe called Material Girl. We don't know whether we think this is such a hot idea. On the one hand, "Material Girl" makes us think of rubber bracelets, leggings, and dark roots--all already available at stores near you.

On the other hand, it's better than "Sunset Boulevard" or "Death Becomes Her," or "I'm still young and hot, dammit!" all of which come to mind.

Really, they were in here when I got dressed.

Last Monday, Mamarazzi decided to hold a caption contest. (And why didn't we do this before??? All we have to do is supply a picture, and our readers supply the snark. How easy is that?)

Anyway, congratulations, Hok Gardner!

Please email your info to poppy2006@gmail.com and the $25 Starbucks GC is yours. (Or a $25 iTunes card; we're not particular.)

Thanks to all who entered!
---

Woman's Wear Daily reports that UK sportswear manufacturer Fred Perry has signed Amy Winehouse to design a collection that will debut in October.

It's supposed to be pink and black and consist of capris, polos, twin sets, and mini skirts.

Sounds wholesome! Which means something has gone askew somewhere. We don't know about you, but when we think about Amy Winehouse and fashion, we get an image of ballet flats

mini skirts--fetish-y schoolgirl avatar ones

wife beaters ... maybe with a "heroin chic" design

tattoos

and part pink thing on top of the head.

Put it all together, roll it in cigarette ashes, and you get

Are you buying it?

The evidence mounts: Tom Cruise bases his life on classic movies.

His life has mirrored 1941's Citizen Kane. Kane came to unlikely wealth in his youth when a massive gold deposit was discovered under his impoverished mom's land.

Cruise came to unlikely wealth in the pseudo-John Hughes flick Risky Business by dancing in his tightie whities.

Kane surprised everyone by marrying a dignified, exquisite woman who was, quite frankly, out of his league.

Cruise surprisingly married the stiff but regal and classically gorgeous Nicole Kidman.

In both cases, it did not end well.

Then Kane married a sweet, innocent young thing.

Taaa-daaa! Ditto Tom, with Katie Holmes.

Both Kane and Cruise molded their adorable girlish wives into something they weren't: Posh. Ha ha, pun intended!

Kane encouraged, nay, forced his sweet young thing to star in the classiest of stage performances, an opera. Kane's wife was ill-equipped for the job and suffered very bad reviews, indeed.

Tom just may have landed a serious, heavy Broadway role for little Katie in All My Sons. Katie dutifully slogged through a role and venue way too big for her.

Thanks to their husbands' pushy ways, both Kane's wife and Katie very quickly grew old and miserable.

Tom reportedly desperately wants Katie to have a second child. We've read that Katie is going through a rigorous and painful Scientology "cleansing" program as well as all sorts of um, unusual testing and instruction to become worthy of bearing another child. Some go so far as to speculate that Katie will be impregnated with Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard's old frozen sperm. And damn, we are so willing to believe it.

Getting healthy before getting pregnant is optimal, but going through "cleansing", "education", questioning and who knows what else is weird and demanding, right?

Tom, Katie's already produced a beautiful child for you and goodness knows, we've been treated to photos of Suri practically daily since her babyhood. Clearly, the child is well taken care of, right? What's with all the pre-conception demands that, we repeat, we are so willing to believe?

Tom, take our advice, please. Citizen Kane died miserable and alone. His last utterance was a whispered, "Rosebud". At the end of a life pushing people around, he longed for something pure and simple, a peacefulness that he'd rejected in the name of ego. We won't spoil Citizen Kane's ending, but we will say that, at the end of his life, Kane had majah regrets.

Tom, we think you need to find your own Rosebud. We think maybe you could also take a chill pill.

It's OK if you wash it down with your beloved barley milk. One step at a time, Tom. One step at a time.

Photos, in order: RKO Pictures (all Citizen Kane),Warner Bros.(Risky Business), Time magazine, The WB (Katie Holmes), Big Pictures (Katie & Posh), AP Photo/Boneau/Bryan-Brown, Joan Marcus (All My Sons), WENN (Katie tired).

We admit it: when celebs appear to be doing a piss-poor job of child management, we feel better about ourselves.

And for many people, their pets are like children to them.

So when a certain High Priestess of Perfection's fur baby takes a bite out of her own editor during a photoshoot, we suddenly don't feel so bad that our garbage cans aren't monogrammed and that our signature gift wrap involves the Sunday comics and a roll of duct tape.

In the most recent issue of Black Book, Julianne Moore shares:

It's not the photographers who bother Moore most--they provide a service, she says, for which there is a regrettable demand--but rather our culture's desire to prop up celebrities in order to watch them fall. "Sometimes I see other moms reading tabloids and I always tell them how dangerous they are for young people," she says. "Don't waste your time investing in the story of some pretty blonde who just got extensions and broke up with her boyfriend. Spend that time thinking about your own girlfriend who just got extensions and broke up with you. Keep it in your own life."

As much as Mamarazzi liked The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio, Mamarazzi would like you all to ponder just how you would feel if, one sunny morning, you were enjoying the latest issue of OK magazine, reading all about the Kardashians and fad diets and spray tans and alien Elvis babies, when out of nowhere, Julianne Moore taps you on the shoulder! Wowzer! But, just as you're about to lavish praise on 30 Rock, she wags her finger in your face and tells you how "dangerous" your tabloid reading is...

Just imagine.

Mamarazzi imagines you would invite Ms. Moore to have a great big shut-the-fuck-up-sicle.

And so, Mamarazzi would like to take a moment to offer Julianne and the rest of her ilk, the Angies, the Jennifers, etc... the following PSA:

Dear Celebrities of the World:
You CANNOT have it both ways. We, the peons of the public, the unwashed masses, can only be interested or not interested in you. There may be a magic 3rd choice available to you A listers, but the rest of the hoi polli must make do with out paltry "either/or" option. That is all.

This PSA brought to you by Internet gossip.

We'll have plenty to say about the red carpet at the Oscars, but right now, we're watching them. So we'd like to share our thoughts about Saturday night's Independent Spirit Awards.

What does it mean when hot, young, and perky women cover up their cleavage

whereas the more middle-aged either spectacularly fail the pencil test,

Mr. Darcy with a couple of beagle ears

let their breasts wander all over the place,

Maggie Gyllenhaal in Lanvin

dress like someone going out on Halloween as an exploding tube of toothpaste.

Mariah Carey in Spanx

Does this signal the end for bare-it-all fashions, and the floppy-breasted are simply the last to hear the news? We believe so. It seems to boil down to Young Hollywood telling Older Hollywood to put some goddamned clothes on.

With that in mind, Mamarazzi proudly presents our first caption contest. The best caption for the following photograph will win a $25 Starbucks gift card.

You have until midnight Monday night, so think of something devastatingly funny and leave it in a comment.
---
All photos from MTV.com, except for the last one, which is from dear Dlisted.

What is it with female Disney stars these day? Was Haley Mills like this? How about girl who played Jane Banks in Mary Poppins? Did she go all wild child as soon as she reached puberty? We think not.

Anyway. We've sat through the trailer for Machete a couple of times. Machete is the film in which Lindsay Lohan finally makes her come back. But we can't tell who should be more offended by it. Mexicans? Motorcyclists? Catholics? Anyone whose last name is Lohan?

At 1:40, that's 23-year-old Lilo cozying up to 65-year-old Danny Tejo. Honestly. How vomit-y can you get?

We're pretty sure Machete won't be shown at the Venice Film Festival, but if it were, Cheech Marin would deserve an award of some kind. His portrayal of a ruthless gun-toting priest is the most realistic thing in the film. On top of that, he didn't burst out laughing during any of his scenes--and we hear he has a pretty good sense of humor.

Machete goes direct to video premieres on April 10. In protest, we plan to stay at home watching our video of The Parent Trap.

Birds are chirping. The sun is warm. Tiny buds appear on the trees. This can mean only one thing:

SPRING CLEANING!!

Even celebrities have to occasionally take out the trash. Alec Baldwin is no exception. Spring is here and he needs to get a few things out of his life...

... such as that awesome Village People cop costume 1977. Alec got a lot of mixed reactions that Halloween.



It's hard to let this go, but Alec wore out the grooves on this gem. This heavenly music got Alec through many a lonely night.



This cereal was tasty, but what's left in the box is a tad stale. Out it goes!



Ahhh, Alec remembers painting by the numbers fondly. But Alec's in a sharing mood, so it's time to let Mork & Mindy smile upon new faces.



Lastly, Alec must part with this nearly five foot tall portrait of himself, commissioned by brother Billy as a gift to Alec's then-wife, Kim Basinger. Incredibly, Kim left this masterpiece to Alec after their divorce.

For reals, you can own a giant, vintage 1991 masterpiece of smarmy Alec sexily smiling upon you. Those eyes! Those Vinnie Barbarino LIPS! Oh, muses of the arts, we thank you for this most beauteous offering.

If we win this, and money is no object when it comes to such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, we'll hang it right next to our prized statue of Michael Jackson and Bubbles.

Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian who brought you the "Show About Nothing" back in the '80's, is hoping to repeat the magic by producing a brand new television show called Marriage Ref.

You remember Jerry. He's the one who hooked up with a woman he met WHILE SHE WAS ON HER HONEYMOON.



But Jerry's not the only "do as I say, not as I do" celebrity involved with the show. There's also this guy, known for keeping his cool during trying times with loved ones:



But it gets even better! One of the super special celebrity guest stars selected to serve as ref has not one, but TWO busted marriages under her Boy Toy belt!





We guess it's true: those who can't really do get to judge others!

(N.B. This post was actually authored by Susie Sunshine, a brilliant writer and talented password-forgetter.)

Let's work backwards shall we?

Backwards from 3 hours, thank you very much ABC, which is how long this romantical festival of forever took... 3 HOURS.

It's Vienna for The Final Rose and no weak "let's date and see where this goes" half ass commitment speech from the most chatty and decisive Bachelor in history... nosireebob, Jake gets down and one knee and proposes to Vienna with a very sparkly Neil Lane diamond ring.

Hearts! Flowers! Love!

Meh.

Mamarazzi, for what it's worth, does not get all the hot hate for Vienna found in chatrooms and, of course, in the weird little tribe of Season 14 Bachlorettes. ABC, for all their efforts and Ali, the Queen of the Mean Girls, for all her bitching, never showed the viewer anything more than a rather hyper girl who offended by talking about how great her one on one date with Jake was... something that every other girl in the history of the show has done... It really felt as though Ali realized Vienna was her greatest competition and started the Down With Vienna campaign... and it worked. Girl didn't have a friend in the house or, in the audience.

PSA:

Here is the thing - bullying is never ok. Trashing others to make yourself feel better or to try and direct an outcome to your desires is not ok. And don't give Mamarazzi that old, "where there is smoke there is fire" bit because it doesn't hold. Girls are committing suicide over being bullied. They are dropping out of school, sports programs, and jobs... in this case, we never saw one damn example of why she was so bad... Vienna even apologized to the house at large for whatever she had supposedly done and what she got for that was more hateful behavior. Mamarazzi won't be recapping Ali's season as the Bachlorette because quite frankly, she is just not a nice person.

Now, back to the recap:

It was basically, "He's Just Not That Into You."

There was the meeting of Jake's family where everyone cried because Tenley is a real live Disney Princess and if Jake picks her it will be a world of magical talking animals and dishes... or Vienna where everyone decides she isn't that bad after all.

There are long walks on the beach with Jake looking stressed and if you thought it was a good idea to have a shot of liquor each and every time Jake said, "It's hard to be in love with 2 women", you are probably in the hospital today.

Other overused potential leading to alcohol poisoning phrases: Vienna is so full of life/Tenely has such strong values/both these women have a piece of my heart.

Mamarazzi hopes you are all ok.

Final dates: Volcano Mud Bath for Vienna and Snorkeling for Tenely and basically Jake lets the old cat out of the bag on that big yacht with Tenley... the physical chemistry is just not there. Oh, he backpedals something fierce, but it's out there, hanging around in the air, and it's something all the women at home know to be true... The Evil Queen is sexier than Snow White.

Helicopter! Jade Mountain! Jake!

Mamarazzi would just like to point out that St. Lucia is ridiculously gorgeous and if the Tourism Board is looking to bring some snark to their island, Mamarazzi is available.

Jake breaks Tenley's heart and much to the dismay of Mamarazzi's cousin, Tenley does not do a sad Mime Dance of the Broken Hearted.. instead she tearfully thanks Jake for showing her that she can love again and Jake tells her he'll never forget her.

Vienna arrives and can barely walk for the nerves. It's okay Vienna, tah dah: You're the Final Rose!

Ring! Tears! Proposal! Yes!

snooze.

After the Final Rose

Lights! Camera! Tenley!

Tell America how much it sucked to have your heart stomped on... oh, Chris Harrison, you dog.

Tenley does and she is sweet and Mamarazzi will be honest with you... that voice is not something we will miss.

Jake comes out and Tenely tries to stick it to him a little by asking if it was fair to Vienna for him to propose when he obvs all these feelings for her. Jake basically slaps her down by plainly stating that the magic sparks? Not with her. But he'll always be her friend.

Tenley hauls off and smacks him in the kisser.

No? Well, she should have.. friend!

Jake then tells America to basically suck it. Vienna is "his baby" and has a wonderful heart and they are so in love and then Vienna comes out and she looks better... her hair is a little warmer blonde and it's an improvement. Chris Harrison queries her on all the negative tabloid press and she calls it all nonsense and tells us that she is such a "sweet person."

No love from the audience. But they seem happy. She is moving to Dallas and Mamarazzi wishes them well... fade out to Jeffrey Osbourne, LIVE and serenading them to, of course, On the Wings of Love.

Now it's time for the official reveal: Ali the new Bachlorette.

Hoo-fucking-Ray

She's all "blessed" and "overwhelmed" and everyone is clapping and if Mamarazzi sets the DVR correctly, Mamarazzi will never have to see her again.

Sheesh, famous people, way to go. Here we are, desperately clinging to the last remnants of our hipness, and we find out that Jim Carrey just became a grandfather.

The youthful grandfather with his youthful girlfriend Jenny McCarthy

The extremely youthful Jackson Riley Santana

OK, OK, we get it. We remember In Living Color when it was first on television, and we saw Ace Ventura in the movie theater.

The not-so-youthful LemonySarah SusieSunshine Kristin Poppy Buxom Gloria Swanson

We're ready for our Geritol, Mr. Demille.