The Bachelor: On The Wings of Facebook

Mamarazzi is sorry for missing last weeks recap (although a few of you were probably jazzed!) but it was a technical issue which basically means when it rains in Laguna Beach, quite often the cable goes hinky.

In any case, last week? All you need to know is that Jake sent home Corrie who was not that into him and also, a virgin, which would make for a boring "Fantasy Suite" evening... also, Ali still hates Vienna. There you go. Week 5 in a nutshell.

So, it's Hometown Week time! Jake is off to meet the families of his final four, Gia, VIenna, Ali and Tenley... and he kicks things off with Gia's peeps in NYC.

She is really pretty and have you seen this? Mamarazzi is pretty sure Gia is not The Final Rose but for some reason, we think she'll do just fine on her own...

Guess what? Gia doesn't want to get hurt! She's put up a wall! So novel in the world of reality dating. Mamarazzi likes Gia and her family likes Jake. Suckahs! Just ask Reality Steve, it's Vienna for the final rose.

Next it's off to MA to meet with Ali and her family... and Mamarazzi has just noticed that Ali, for such a petite woman clomps around like an elephant. In any case, Ali takes Jake to meet her grandmother... her dead grandmother. Which is both touching and weird? Jake is very gracious about the whole thing and the credit goes to him for not being a tool. Or a good actor. We'll accept either.

At dinner, Jake puts her family's mind at ease by telling them that "family is everything" and her mother in turn tells him that Ali is the happiest she's been in awhile and gives him her blessing to marry Ali should things get to that point and Mamarazzi is telling their daughters right now that this is all CRAP and don't think for one moment they will be allowed on any sort of Bachelor type show.

Ali, like Gia, is falling in love.

Off to Oregon with Tenley... Mamarazzi wishes Tenley would drop the baby voice... anyhow, we get to hear more about Tenley's hurt heart and the bastard who divorced her...seems to creeps into most conversations.

Tenley is a dancer. Her ex never saw her dance. Or, saw her dance from her heart. Or some nonsense. Tenley has a surprise planned for Jake - she's choreographed a special dance just for him... he is going to see her dance and yes, you guessed it, from her heart! And here she goes and it's set to, of all things, Pachbel's Cannon in D, aka: the music played at every wedding Mamarazzi has ever attended. Every. Wedding. Hint much, Tenley?

Here we are with the folks and mah God everyone is tearing up and there is so much chatter about hearts with joy and taking moments and Jake and Tenley are well matched in the cheese department.

Oh! Sidenote, Tenley's parents watched Jake's episodes on Jillian's season of The Bachlorette and wished their gal would meet a guy just like him! Mamarazzi wonders if Mama and Daddy Baby Voice pimped her to audition....

Cheese and crackers... now Tenley's dad is crying over her divorce... STOP CRYING TENLEY FAMILY!

But they don't stop crying. Mom is now on a jag and Pops is giving permission for marriage... which of course, brings JAKE TO TEARS.

What the hell is in the water up there in Oregon? Sobbing drops?

Bring on Vienna.

And seriously, the redneck music.

Vienna is from Florida and Jake's excited to see her because there is something so "natural" about her and Mamarazzi is pretty much thinking it's not her hair. Or boobs. Or teeth. Or tan.

River tour on festive pontoon boat.

They are actually quite comfortable together... and Mamarazzi forgot that Vienna had a quicky 15 minute marriage. and when they walk into her parent's home we see her father is sporting a pornstache and carrying a chihuahua and we immediately like him! Also, he's not crying which is a good thing.

What is not a good thing is when a grown ass woman announces that she is a, "Daddy's Girl". SO LAME.

Also, good way to make sure there are issues in your marriage. Love your fathers girls. Love and respect and be friends with them... you are not 3 and it's weird.

Dad however, makes a good point, while tinkering on his motorcycle with heavy tools, in saying that it makes him uncomfortable to see Jake dating 3 other women and, by the way, if Jake does end up with Vienna, Daddykins expects her to be treated like a princess and Jake in turn can count on coming home to a clean house and children being raised right.

Thanks, Dad!

And Hometown dates are over and it's back to Los Angeles for rose ceremony but before we can get into Jake walking around and looking pensive about which girl he has to say goodbye to, Ali throws a monkey wrench into the works.

She has to chose! Jake or her job! Rumor has it her job is with Facebook and Mamarazzi is thinking, Child, keep the good job! There is much gnashing of teeth and wringing of hands and it's so obvs that she just wants Jake to whisper, "You're the one! Stay!" But, he doesn't... he goes the lame, " I don't want you to go" route and quite frankly, in this economy that just isn't good enough. Ali leaves and takes her heart back to San Francisco.

No rose ceremony tonight. Gia, Vienna and Tenley are packing their bags for St. Lucia and some sexy time Fantasy Suite action.