February 2010 Archives

Anyone can play! Select the time when you first realized Sir Elton was a douchenoodle, and we'll tell you how old you are. Was it when

1) Elton wore crazy costumes

hundreds of pairs of platform shoes, and custom-made glasses

in a failed attempt

to divert attention from his balding pate?

2) Was it when he

started writing music for Walt Disney

abandoned his failed attempts to cover his balding head, had doll hair glued to his scalp, and

recycled "Candle in the Wind" for Princess Diana's funeral?

3) Or when, in a lame attempt to appear relevant and controversial, he announced that the extremely long-haired Jesus was gay.

Yes, we attribute the whole thing to hair envy. We really are that shallow.

If you picked 1: You're a baby boomer! We're sorry.

If you picked 2: You're Generation X! Keep trying to stay hip!

If you picked 3: You're timeless and eternal, like Elton's new hair.

It's that time again, dahhhh-lings, New York Fashion Week, in which we learn what we are to wear this upcoming Fall and Winter.

1. As dictated by the photo above, look absolutely wiped out. Win! We can do that!

2. Rodarte suggests we wrap ourselves in anything we can find during the moments between stuffing Pop Tarts® into our kids' mouths and whisking them to the bus stop. Can do!

3. The divine Kimora Lee's Baby Phat line encourages us to forget to put on our pants before rushing out the door. No problem-o!

4. Better yet, just wear your robe all day. Hey, Donna Karan, we're WAY ahead of you.

5. For the man in your life, Vivienne Westwood suggests that he forget to take off the crown upon exiting the neighborhood Burger King®. Done and done.

6. Finally, rounding out the fashion trends we can achieve, bless Richie Rich and Pamela Anderson for reminding us that it's OK to rock our bumpy thighs at the beach. Yes. We. Can! And will. Phooey.

Way back in the dawn of time, i.e., 1985, the Prince and Princess of Wales (Chuck and Di) attended a state dinner at the Reagan White House. The princess allowed as how she'd always wanted to dance with John Travolta.

And so she did.

Flash forward 25 years. Princess Diana is dead. Her former husband is remarried to his skank former mistress. Most heartbreaking of all, Prince William, the heir to the heir to the throne, once merely balding

seems to be taking hair style tips

from John Travolta.

Which naturally leaves us wondering--how's his dancing?

It's official: Celebrating Valentine's Day at some fancy-schmancy lovey-dovey restaurant is SO 2009.

Here's how our opinion leaders do it right:

The Splendiferous Jolie-Pitt clan grabbed gelato at some dive. Granted, that dive is in Venice, Italy. And it is gelato; sweet, creamy to-die-for gelato.

Meanwhile, Britney (seriously, she needs no surname) and her boyfriend, Jason Trawick (he does need one) dined at McDonald's. McDonalds, people. And it's for them, not a kid in sight. From the desperate look on their faces, they needed that Mickey Dee fix, stat.

Yes, tacky Valentine's days rule, We wouldn't put it past our Hollywood heroes to spend next Valentine's Day messing around in the 7-foot Champagne Glass Whirlpool Bath-for-Two at the Pocono Palace. But only if they could get McDonald's delivery.

All photos: Fame Pictures

Check out Gwen and husband Gavin Rossdale out for lunch on Valentine's Day.

Here they are being interrupted by a fan, who asked if she could pose for a photograph with Gwen.

And here's Gwen admiring the photo.

We don't know about you, but our hearts just grew three sizes.

--
All photos courtesy of Just Jared.

Or more to the point, balls lack Lindsay Lohan.

Confused? Let's try expressing it as a riddle: what do Gina Lollabrigida,

Geri Halliwell,

Farrah Fawcett,

Nicolette Sheridan,

Paris Hilton,

and Dita Von Teese

have in common?

Each one has been Richard Lugner's guest at the Vienna Opera Ball.

Seems that the 74-year-old Austrian construction magnate invites a starlet of some sort every year. The invitee is paid $150,000 to attend the ball, pose for pictures, and sign a few autographs. (And get your minds out of the gutter; Lugner is also accompanied by his family.)

At any rate, Lindsay agreed to go. And then the day of the ball, she got to the airport two hours late. There was a private jet to fly her to Vienna, but it cost $14,000 to keep it waiting, and Lilo didn't have that much room on her credit card.

So she blew it off.

That's right; she blew off the opportunity to earn $150,000. And for what? To go shopping.

Would someone please explain to this child that first you earn the money, then you spend it?

At any rate, Lugner says he's going to invite someone older next year. We're hoping he picks Betty White. She's smart, funny, cute as a button, and understands the difference between income and expenses.

Who's with us? Somebody start a Facebook fan page!

Oh, it was fun at first. You were so sexy and romantic.

Then you started squicking us out.

Now that we've read your new Playboy interview, we feel all stabby. (Link site NSFW)

See, you keep messing with our minds. One minute you proclaim yourself The Nicest Guy in Town: "I consider myself a good guy, with the best of intentions.... I've never been a bad boy."

The next minute you're dropping F-bombs like the blitzkrieg, tossing the N-word about, telling us about your masturbation habit and saying, um, cocky stuff like "My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock. I'm going to start dating separately from my dick."

And then you named names while sharing your intimate secrets. Since the interview interview dropped yesterday, Jessica Simpson must have repeatedly vacillated between swinging from a chandelier beating her chest in pride to crawling under furniture to hide. We feel so bad for Jessica that we think we'll zip over to Macy's right now and pick up a few pairs of her foot-mangling shoes.

Oh, and Johnny? Seriously? You got so wasted that you made out with Perez Hilton?

Sure, John, we know you're sorry. We know your good intentions have been misunderstood.

It's just that it's hard to listen to your lovely songs and not think of the nutcase behind them. It's made us feel squirmy. This is a real problem when we're driving and start twitching uncontrollably when one of your songs come on the radio.

Help us out John. In the future,

Same to you, Perez. Yeesh.

P.S. Make your own candy hearts here.

For some reason, when we saw this

we couldn't help thinking about this series

and how if you read the books out of order, you'd have a whole new level of sympathy for characters you first found utterly loathsome.

Well played, Kate. (But the hair still needs an editor.)

Mamarazzi is sorry for missing last weeks recap (although a few of you were probably jazzed!) but it was a technical issue which basically means when it rains in Laguna Beach, quite often the cable goes hinky.

In any case, last week? All you need to know is that Jake sent home Corrie who was not that into him and also, a virgin, which would make for a boring "Fantasy Suite" evening... also, Ali still hates Vienna. There you go. Week 5 in a nutshell.

So, it's Hometown Week time! Jake is off to meet the families of his final four, Gia, VIenna, Ali and Tenley... and he kicks things off with Gia's peeps in NYC.

She is really pretty and have you seen this? Mamarazzi is pretty sure Gia is not The Final Rose but for some reason, we think she'll do just fine on her own...

Guess what? Gia doesn't want to get hurt! She's put up a wall! So novel in the world of reality dating. Mamarazzi likes Gia and her family likes Jake. Suckahs! Just ask Reality Steve, it's Vienna for the final rose.

Next it's off to MA to meet with Ali and her family... and Mamarazzi has just noticed that Ali, for such a petite woman clomps around like an elephant. In any case, Ali takes Jake to meet her grandmother... her dead grandmother. Which is both touching and weird? Jake is very gracious about the whole thing and the credit goes to him for not being a tool. Or a good actor. We'll accept either.

At dinner, Jake puts her family's mind at ease by telling them that "family is everything" and her mother in turn tells him that Ali is the happiest she's been in awhile and gives him her blessing to marry Ali should things get to that point and Mamarazzi is telling their daughters right now that this is all CRAP and don't think for one moment they will be allowed on any sort of Bachelor type show.

Ali, like Gia, is falling in love.

Off to Oregon with Tenley... Mamarazzi wishes Tenley would drop the baby voice... anyhow, we get to hear more about Tenley's hurt heart and the bastard who divorced her...seems to creeps into most conversations.

Tenley is a dancer. Her ex never saw her dance. Or, saw her dance from her heart. Or some nonsense. Tenley has a surprise planned for Jake - she's choreographed a special dance just for him... he is going to see her dance and yes, you guessed it, from her heart! And here she goes and it's set to, of all things, Pachbel's Cannon in D, aka: the music played at every wedding Mamarazzi has ever attended. Every. Wedding. Hint much, Tenley?

Here we are with the folks and mah God everyone is tearing up and there is so much chatter about hearts with joy and taking moments and Jake and Tenley are well matched in the cheese department.

Oh! Sidenote, Tenley's parents watched Jake's episodes on Jillian's season of The Bachlorette and wished their gal would meet a guy just like him! Mamarazzi wonders if Mama and Daddy Baby Voice pimped her to audition....

Cheese and crackers... now Tenley's dad is crying over her divorce... STOP CRYING TENLEY FAMILY!

But they don't stop crying. Mom is now on a jag and Pops is giving permission for marriage... which of course, brings JAKE TO TEARS.

What the hell is in the water up there in Oregon? Sobbing drops?

Bring on Vienna.

And seriously, the redneck music.

Vienna is from Florida and Jake's excited to see her because there is something so "natural" about her and Mamarazzi is pretty much thinking it's not her hair. Or boobs. Or teeth. Or tan.

River tour on festive pontoon boat.

They are actually quite comfortable together... and Mamarazzi forgot that Vienna had a quicky 15 minute marriage. and when they walk into her parent's home we see her father is sporting a pornstache and carrying a chihuahua and we immediately like him! Also, he's not crying which is a good thing.

What is not a good thing is when a grown ass woman announces that she is a, "Daddy's Girl". SO LAME.

Also, good way to make sure there are issues in your marriage. Love your fathers girls. Love and respect and be friends with them... you are not 3 and it's weird.

Dad however, makes a good point, while tinkering on his motorcycle with heavy tools, in saying that it makes him uncomfortable to see Jake dating 3 other women and, by the way, if Jake does end up with Vienna, Daddykins expects her to be treated like a princess and Jake in turn can count on coming home to a clean house and children being raised right.

Thanks, Dad!

And Hometown dates are over and it's back to Los Angeles for rose ceremony but before we can get into Jake walking around and looking pensive about which girl he has to say goodbye to, Ali throws a monkey wrench into the works.

She has to chose! Jake or her job! Rumor has it her job is with Facebook and Mamarazzi is thinking, Child, keep the good job! There is much gnashing of teeth and wringing of hands and it's so obvs that she just wants Jake to whisper, "You're the one! Stay!" But, he doesn't... he goes the lame, " I don't want you to go" route and quite frankly, in this economy that just isn't good enough. Ali leaves and takes her heart back to San Francisco.

No rose ceremony tonight. Gia, Vienna and Tenley are packing their bags for St. Lucia and some sexy time Fantasy Suite action.

Rumor has it that former boy toy Jesus Luz gave Madge the kiss-off.

Rumor also has it that she has another romantic relationship in mind.

Allow us to introduce you to model/actor/younger man Jon Kortajarena. He's a tall, dark Spanish male model who's less than half her age. Basically, he could pass for Jesus Luz. At least, in a dim light:

Jon Kortajarena with an old bag

Shoeless Jon Kortajarena

We can almost hear Madge murmuring "Stubble, stubble / Toil and trouble"

What do you think? Yummy? Or is this a case of Coke/Pepsi, i.e., most people won't be able to tell Jon from Jesus?
--

We're sorry, Star, but the Hoarder's television show has upped the ante. There's messy, there's cluttered, there's owning way too much shit, and then there's hoarding.

What we have here is a bunch of stuff. OK, too much of it. And mocking Lindsay Lohan is practically a full-time job around here. But those boxes with the photographs of shoes?

Are we inconsistent if we admit to a teeny twinge of jealousy?

Olá!

I am Gisele! I am SUPERMODEL! I am more beautiful than you and more beautiful than you and definitely more beautiful than YOU. Yes? We will not argue this, I think.

Did you know I had a baby? In a bathtub? Without the drugs? Did you do that? No, I think you did not. But, you are not Gisele and you are not Supermodel and so you do not to that.

Also, I never had to wear the clothes of the, how do you say? Fat lady? Ah, maternity. I never had to wear the maternity clothes. I put on little weight but it all in my boobs...

But, what you need to know is that also, the birth? It didn't hurt. 'It didn't hurt in the slightest.

'It wasn't like 'this is so painful'. So I transformed that intense feeling into a hope of seeing him.'

Is the birth not like that for you? You cried? You took the drugs? You blew up like balloon?

I guess that is what put the Super in Model.

Beijos!

Just when you think reality television can't get any more unreal, our friends from across the pond unveil a brand new series, I'm Hotter Than My Daughter.

Where would anyone get the notion that being sexier and more desirable than their daughters is the goal of any mother?!

Quick, which former *NSync member, Lance (on left) or Joey (right), is gay and which is married with two kids?

Hint: It's a whole lot easier to stay hot when you're single and childless and don't live in the kitchen.

Oh, and Joey Fatone? Your name has become WAY too ironic.

If it weren't for the clothes, some of us wouldn't even bother to watch the Grammys. But where else are you going to see:

That the right dress and eye makeup can add at least 10 years;

That if you're running late, you can just skip the dress;

That Debbie Harry and Tinkerbell have a love child. Who was conceived in a Hula Hoop factory.

But the most important award show fashion news wasn't at the Grammys. It was at the Director's Choice awards.

Where we discovered that Billy Goat Brad had trimmed his beard.