Week 2 has now come and gone and let's just cut to the chase and say that the choice to recap Bachelor Season Infinity is going to be the death of Mamarazzi... either that or drive Mamarazzi right into the Wings of Alcohol Rehab...
Tonight's episode kicks off with the girls moving into the Bachelorette pad and a group date and then some one on one action and then another group date with a little mini one on one date and then a cocktail party and FINALLY the most shocking moment in Bachelor history!
The first group date consists of Gia (swimsuit model), Roz (model), Ashleigh H.(beauty queen), Corrie (wardrobe consultant?), Valisha (homemaker?) and Christina (professional insecure human restaurant manager). After reading a clue which states, "A picture is worth a thousand words!" the girls squeal and wonder what this date will involve? Really girls? Mamarazzi is thinking it involves having your friggin' picture taken!
Jake struts in wearing a man-blouse and showing too much waxed chest and whisks the girls up to Santa Monica to a hotel that Mamarazzi knows quite well, the Shagri-La for a (shocker) photo shoot for In Style magazine... surprise!
The girls, half of whom are beautiful for a living, are so excited and whoopee and all except for Christina who gets bug-eyed and starts drinking and comparing herself to the others and although she is kind of funny and wants to take the piss out of her competition by getting snarky with Valisha who won't play along and is now the Queen of No Fun in Mamarazzi's boook.
Flashbulbs start flashing and models start posing and the photographer takes a solo shot of each girl and then Jake leaps in for some cutesy couple poses and Roz flases her cooter and Christina polishes off another glass of wine. The Bachlorettes are actually all quite attractive and they pose and laugh and aha haha and there is some cattiness and then poor sad Christina gets up there and is all, "I'm so ugly!" and "I hate this" and Jake, being the hero that he is, dances around with her and all is right in her not-model world and just talking about later moves her to tears.
Following the photo shoot there is a pool party of sorts which is basically just an opportunity for everyone to strut around in their teeny bikinis "stealing" Jake for some one on one time... Roz gets the first rose by shaking her boobies and grabbing him for a kiss and the other girls look murderous and Mamarazzi is wondering if they have forgotten that this is a competitive show?
Back at the Casa de Desperate a box with a rather major diamond necklace arrives for the "lucky" recipient of the one on one date and Michelle (who spends a lot of time with her eyes closed... either praying or counting to 10?) wants to put it on but the other gals smack her down because they must wait... turns out the date is for Ali (advertising account manager) who, of course because it must be part of the ABC contract, cries upon hearing it's for her.
Michelle sends her crazy eyes.
Alis snivels that she would "go anywhere" with Jake... and that she is the, wait for it, "the luckiest girl in the world" because Jake picked her.
Jake says he's really glad the date is with Ali because he thinks she seems to be a total package which seems to tell us that perhaps he doesn't pick his own dates but that the producers do, no?
Ali comes out dressed in satin cocktail dress (as befits the diamond necklace) and Jake shows up in jeans and a golf shirt and Mamarazzi thinks someone should have given her a little for direction.
Especially when it becomes obvious that she is going to need to hop on the back of a motorcycle. In a short tight dress and evening heels... she makes it look easy though, so props there to you, Ali!
They arrive at a small hangar at an airport and although scared of flying and worried she might, "throw up in her stomach", Ali boards a tiny little pretend plane while Jake tells us that he can show her how, "calm and freeing flying can be..." why, his safety check alone shows her that she is in good hands!
Clear Prop!
Ali loves it! She's on Cloud 9! And Jake's a calm pilot and cue, "On the Wings of Love" and Mamarazzi pours another glass of wine.
And this date is still going on and let's wrap it up shall we? There is the landing of the plane, the drive in an olde tyme car, and then, 80's band Chicago makes an appearance and plays a million songs and Jake gives Ali a rose and it's all amazing and full of sparks and, "feelings taking off" and "perfect moments."
Gag. Jake's inspired Ali to find love! Gag more.
My Lord this episode is still not over... group date number 2 involves Vienna (marketing rep), Kathryn (corporate flight attendant), Ashley (teacher), Jessie (cosmetic sales rep) and Elizabeth (nanny) and this means Ella (hair stylist), Michelle (crazy office manager) and Tenley (Disney Princess) will not have dates this week.
While Jake takes Group 2 to Six Flags Michelle is home angrily packing her bags because Jake clearly doesn't want her around and weirdly, other Bachlorettes encourage her to stay... including First Rose of the Week Holder Roz, who goes so far as to say that Jake told her he wanted Michelle to stay and even Crazy Face knows that is bullshit.
Back at the amusement park there are tearful confessions of impulsive elopements (Vienna) and Ph.D titles (Ashley) and Nanny Elizabeth cannily reads a prepared statement to Jake in which she let's him know there will be no kissy-kissy unless she is the last Bachlorette standing and Jake, because he is a dumb bunny, falls for it and gives her not only a rose but the "honor" of standing outside with him to snuggle and watch a fireworks display that the rest of the girls have to view from inside the SUV limo.
Sad.
Finally it's time for the cocktail party and omg are you still reading because this never ends and here we go... the gals are all gussied up and Jake swanks around asking everyone about their dating history and giving Ella a wee little cupcake for her birthday and this earns his the title of, "Incredible Man" and Ella prattles on about how her son wants to be a pilot and it's all just nauseating.
Michelle tells Jake that she has packed her bags and she is that way... she's honest and will let him know what is on her mind (Mamarazzi reads this as: obnoxious) and Jake actually tells her he wants her to stay (thanks, producers!) and suddenly Ashleigh is there to "steal" Jake and Michelle is pissed and Ashleigh should probably sleep with one eye open tonight...
And here come Chris Harrison! He asks Rozlyn to come outside and speak with him for a moment and awkwardly confronts her about the fact that not only have several girls come forward independently to tell staff about the inappropriate physical contacts they have witnessed between her and a staff member but that the staff member has also "confessed" all and out of respect for Jake and the other girls she needs to pack her bags and hit the road.
Mamarazzi loves Rozlyn's dress.
Roz bizarrely states that her personal life isn't anyone's business and can we all just sit with that for a moment? She's on a dating show. Her personal life is American's business... does she really not get that or was she just reacting to an embarrassing situation?
She is escorted to her room by some burly security man who stands watch while she packs and a van then whisks her away to where the keep naughty Bachlorettes who don't fully appreciate the Wonder of the Bachelor.
Mamarazzi would just like to state that they have no issue with Roz hooking up with some staff member. Hopefully they find love and marriage and happiness... and then The Bachelor can finally have one season of a couple actually making it.
Commercial break and then Chris has to break it to Jake... the lovely Roz is out and Jake actually seems quite pissed which is appropriate but then gets teary which is lame and Jake cries and asks for his rose back and for some reason the cocktail party is OVAH and Jake takes off to that little room of photographs and contemplation and he gazes at Roz's photo and Mamarazzi's husband says, "10 bucks he puts it back face down" and OH YES HE DOES but Mamarazzi was too smart to take that bet which is good because Pilot Bachelor totally puts the photo face down and wha-wha-wha! Man up, Jake! Have another drink and perhaps a make-out session or 2 with one of the other 14 women pining for you in the living room!
Rose Ceremony. More tears... the women are crying for Jake's tricked heart (seriously, they are) and in the end, the insecure Christina and Dr. Ashely are going home.
First I want to say that I LOVE this site and I check back every day to see what you are snarking!
However, this post is LONG and just highly unecessary! Either we watched the show and don't need the entire hour spelled out for us, OR we recorded it and you are spoiling it, OR we didn't watch it because we just don't care. Personally, I fall in the last category.
I still love the site and I'll be back tomorrow but can we not make every Tuesday about this stupid show?!? I already have to hear about it at work!
Jo - well, recaps are by nature long but I agree that this one does go on a bit... we'll see about keeping it briefer next week. As for not caring about the topic, well that's unfortunately a pitfall of this site... some people don't care about the Gosselins, some don't care about Paris Hilton, some don't care about Pam Anderson... maybe you can get the gang at work to discuss Chuck instead?
I actually have to disagree with the post being too long. Even having just watched the show, I loved the funny and dead on play by play. As a matter of fact, I think that even if I did not watch the show, Mamarazzi's witty recap might just be enough to peak my interest in it. Also, I had not watched the show yet before I first signed on to Mamarazzi, but as soon as I saw it was about The Bachelor I simply signed off until I finished watching it. Potential spoiling easily averted.
Snark on!
I did't watch the show but loved the recap. it's seems pretty fitting for what i've seen on the show before. and didn't we all know about the roz and the producer thing last week??
Just my two cents, but I loved the recap. I have no interest in watching the show, but it's nice to know what everyone else is watching without having to invest brain cells in a non-funny, non-snarky synopsis.
Ok, so it was three minutes of my life that I will never get back...but rock on Kristin, rock on.
I don't watch the show either, but loved loved loved your recap. It helped remind me why I don't watch it! I adore the Mamas (not to worry, I adore you only the appropriate amount) and look forward to more inane summaries!
I don't watch any of it until the end... I watch the last two. Because while I hate the total train wreck it always is, I can't make myself turn away from the HUGE train wreck of the last two shows of each season, lol. the men have NEVER EVER picked one that lasted... while the Bachelorettes have made some good choices and gotten married and happily ever after tadaa ta da.
And this was not too long... if you don't like it don't read it!! I laughed my butt off through this!
I loved the recap! While I hate the show, I love making fun of it. So this is a perfect post for me. You all let me know what's going on in the world without making me actually participate in the craziness. :) Keep it up!