January 2010 Archives

You know, some celebrity endorsements make a lot of sense. Like Farrah Fawcett for shampoo.

Or Elizabeth Taylor for junk food:

(If only someone had told her to back away from the chocolates.)

Nicole Kidman for Botox

and Bob Dole for Viagra.

Other endorsements make us go "hmmm," like OJ Simpson for Hertz

(Does Hertz even rent Broncos?)

or "wtf?" like Donald Trump for his pointer finger The World's Greatest Combover.

OK, FINE. It's the world's greatest steak. We suppose.

Well, Tori and Dean have started promoting toilet paper. Apparently it has to do with how you like your toilet paper to go into the holder. Apparently she likes the paper on top, and he's more of a bottom. We can see it now: "Cottonelle. Because that's how we roll."

Anyway, here they are endorsing Cottonelle,

unless it's puppies. Or wearing more makeup than a trannie going out on Halloween as Joan Crawford: The Later Years.

We wonder how much they're getting paid to make us associate them with assholes. We suspect the answer is "not enough."

Forbes magazine has released their list of America's Most Trusted Celebrities. The winner? King Mufasa! OK, it was really James Earl Jones, who remains squeaky clean despite having a name that sounds like a serial killer.

Second Place? Sheriff Woody! All right, Tom Hanks. You know, the superstar who raves about sex with his long-term wife? Unreal!

We see a pattern. These two actors not only have unblemished pasts, they do their fair share of Disney voice work.

Americans trust cartoons.

Mamarazzi has its own criteria for trustworthy celebs. We trust certain celebs to misbehave.

Mamarazzi's Top Two Most Trusted Celebrities to Misbehave:

#2: Mel Gibson. The latest? Mel has fired his bodyguards. He will now protect his girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva and their two-month-old baby daughter Lucia himself - with a gun.

Think about it: Not-paranoid-or-anything, no-personal-or-family-history-of-nuttyness Mel Gibson with a real live GUN. Um, Mel? It sounds like a cartoon: An intruder enters your love nest in the middle of the night. You, half-awake, comedically confused and pumped full of adrenaline, lunge all crazy-eyed from bed with a GUN. Hilarity ensues. Um, wakie wakie, Mel. As unreal as your thoughts may be, life is not a cartoon.

But as awesomely loose cannon like as Mel can be, we award #1 to our old pal:

Courtney Love! Thanks to the wonder that is the internet, we know we can count on the ever-entertaining cartoonish Ms. Love to provide us with daily illustrations of The Crazy.

"I'm a good rock musician; I am one suck-ass celebrity, though."

Oh Courtney, we beg to differ. You're #1 to us. And your music sucks. Trust us.

It looks like sweet, wholesome Emma Watson,

better known as Hermione Granger or "Our sons first celebrity crush before that whore Megan Fox came along,"

has either turned to the dark side,

enrolled in the Courtney Love School of Makeup Application,

or had her first Mary Kay make-over.

This week on The Bachelor: Jake is officially done messing around and sends 4 women home with nary a flick of his rose handing wrist.

We open up at the Bachlorette's Pad and one look at the 2 deluxe tour buses in the driveway let's us know that it's Rock of Love Bus time and Jake has been replaced by Brett Michaels! Well, not really but that would be awesome.

Yes, they are taking this circus on the road.

Heading up the California coast they set up "camp" at a winery... the buses are just far enough from Jake's tent where the gals can sort of see him... Jake, you tease! This move to camping is important to our Pilot because he's from Texas and "the outdoors" is a huge part of his life.

Man, they all say some stupid things on these shows... like on House Hunters and prospective buyers say, "Well, I like a lot of windows and natural light." Because that is so unusual? Most people want to live in a cave?

First date of the week is a one on one and it goes to Gia. Gia's lips look a little less inflated this week so maybe she's toned down the gloss? Or the Juvaderm is fading? In any case, Jake is curious to see how this "Big City Girl" does with a "Country Boy Date".

Gia could care less about the country and worries mostly about looking cute... which translates into a pair of 4" Louboutin heels and as she hops on the back of Jake's bike Vienna cattily interviews that Gia's cityslicker ways won't play...

She's wrong. Gia frolics about barefoot and looks quite lovely and confesses to her "Nerd" status in high school while Jake admits to being called, "Mr. Dateless" in the 9th grade which seems to Mamarazzi to be the definition of most 9th grade boys but whatever, and other than her suddenly strong accent she's rather darling. Jake worries about her being able to "handle" a hot dog dinner and Mamarazzi is thinking that Jake hasn't been to NYC.

No surprise, she get's a rose.

Day 2 is the group date of Corrie, Ashleigh, Ali, Vienna, Jessie (Who?) and Tenley (who needs to lose the baby voice... immediately.) which means that Kathryn (Who?) and Ella have the dreaded 2 on 1 date this week where one of them is sure to go home.

The Group date is, no shit, Dune Buggying at Pismo Beach and Ali, who needs to SETTLE down on her hate of Vienna, calls shotgun for Jake's buggy and death stares abound and then they drive around in the sand and it looks decidedly unfun... followed by sand boarding which does look fun and Jake and Tenley sort of collide and tumble and "she's in his arms" and OMG that baby voice is killing Mamarazzi.

Wine, fruit, blah blah blah... Corrie goes for a tumble... and off to the Madonna Inn where Jake has some incredibly awkward one on one time with Ashleigh... she's draped all over him, running her fingers through his hair, playing with his zipper and he is so not feeling it. He tells us, "She's smoking but...no chemistry." Zip. Ali tries to trick Jake into confirming she is getting a rose this week but homey don't play that and blows her off with a, "I'm just caught up in this moment"... ouch.

Back at the campsite, Kathryn and Ella are bumming big time about their upcoming date. Kathryn quite rightly states that she doesn't understand why Jake would put her in this position and by position Mamarazzi assumes she means that he has yet to spend more than 3 minutes with her.

Jake meanwhile makes out with Tenley, who tells him she hasn't dated since her divorce and then he tells Vienna, who orchestrated being the "last person Jake kisses tonight", that she needs to check her behavior while with the other girls and that she is bringing some of the hate on herself... which is interesting as Mamarazzi still has yet to see the Evil that is Vienna. She comes across like every other reality dingbat.

Group date rose goes to Tenely.

2 on 1 date from Hell. The rose is the elephant in the room and the three of them, Jake, Ella and Kathryn sit around a tiny table and try to act normally even though no one has even bothered to take off their coat... maybe it's just cold in there? Ella hogs the conversation and steps on every sentence Kathryn tries to utter... Jake takes Ella outside for some private chit chat which ends with the dropping of many hints that maybe a Pilot Stepdaddy isn't in Ella's future.

Kathryn's time starts with her asking Jake why he basically pays her no mind and he responds by telling her that she is so beautiful that he is cautious with her... he's "lost in her eyes" (Mamarazzi calls bullshit) and that he feels a natural attraction between them (more b.s.)... he promises that the small amount of time they have spend together won't affect his rose decision (lies!). She feels that he is really starting to like her.

Poor Ella.

Jake takes her outside and gets all whispery and away she goes... Kathryn is left in the cabin to assume that the rose is indeed for her!

Poor Kathryn.

Although Jake wants to be the guy to sweep her off her feet, his heart is telling him he is not that guy... it's rather awful. She's less forgiving than Ella and tells Jake she thinks he is making a mistake... he whispers, "Thank you for coming."

Much shock back at base camp when a lowly PA hauls off both sets of luggage. Of course there are some tears. Cry women, cry!

Finally Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony time! And Ali, mean but pretty little Ali, gets the first rose, then Corrie and then it gets weird as Jake puts down the 3rd rose and walks out of the room.

Cameras scurry and some producer type gets Chris Harrison for him and after much sputtering and hemming and hawing, Jake finds a way to ask if he does in fact have to hand out 2 more roses?

this would have been more shocking if ABC hadn't been teasing us with it since last week...

Chris is all, Whoa, Nelly! But then gives Jake a bro pat and tells Jake that "he'll take care of it." Chris also has the pleasant job of letting the ladies know that 2 of them are not wife material for Jake.

Goodbye Jessie. Goodbye Ashleigh.

Vienna gets the final rose.

And Ali hisses in anger.

Next Week: San Francisco and Ali hating on Vienna!

Andy Warhol is famous for saying, "In the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes." (In his case, he was famous for longer than 15 minutes. What's up with that, Andy?)

At any rate, we think it's time to update Warhol's saying. We say "In the future, everyone will launch a celebrity fragrance."

Think about it. Everyone with any pretensions to fame has a signature fragrance. Recent or soon-to-be-launched celebrity scents are coming from: Reese Witherspoon, Beyonce, Britney Spears, Daisy Fuentes, David and Victoria Beckham, Faith Hill, Halle Berry, Demi Moore, J-Lo, Kim Kardashian, Eva Longoria, Paris Hilton, Gwen Stefani, Rihanna, and Sarah Jessica Parker.

Who's next, Octomom? We're surprised Brad Pitt hasn't come out with Eau de Goatee.

With all this cologne flooding the stores, there must be some way to figure out what to buy.

Mamarazzi is here to help. Our number one tip: never buy a fragrance marketed by anyone who's made a sex tape.

Which is why we're not heading to Rite-Aid to buy a bottle of Pamela Anderson's Malibu Pink. Hello? The name alone boggles the mind.

She cooks!

She does dishes!

She needs a lip wax!

---
Dolce & Gabbana photos from Italian Vanity Fair courtesy of Just Jared; The Mystery of the Missing Lip Wax photo courtesy of D-Listed.

Even though some of us don't agree with his politics, this is one hot Senator. Daddy issues aside, we bet a lot of Generation Y and even a few underage Gen Z-ers want to kiss their computer screens right now.

Some of us at Mamarazzi recall a tingling sensation when we first saw this photo:

Yes, back in 1982, Cosmopolitan magazine featured this centerfold of a 22 year old law student, coyly covering his well-shadowed area in the unfortunately-placed page break. Hoo boy, handsome and capable of making enough money to keep us in cashmere leg warmers!

Oh, we lovingly imagined the photo shoot, the young, hirsute Scott Brown posing while the photographer blasted 1982's unfortunate hit song, Physical, followed by Tainted Love. We imagined the photog urging young Scott to imagine himself as Tom Selleck in private with Olivia Newton-John. ♪ I wanna get an-i-mal, an-i-mal! ♪

Flash forward 28 years. In an ultra-controversial political race, Senator Centerfold has just been elected to fill Ted Kennedy's vacant seat in the U.S. Senate. It's been said that he won because a lot of angry independents voted him in. We say it has nothing to do with politics, it's because lust-blinded ladies still swoon over the well-preserved 50 year old.

Sorry ladies, he's been married to the same woman for 23 years.

Still, tacky and tasteless as it is, we're expecting a woman or two to step forward and claim that they've recently gotten an-i-mal with Mr. Brown. We're even expecting, within a couple of years, a John Edwards announcement from Senator Centerfold.

Agree or not? Seriously, when do you think the mistresses will appear? A week? A month? Today?

* with sincere apologies to The J. Geils Band

She might look like a cute-but-ordinary three-year-old to you, but Katie Holmes told reporters that daughter Suri is"spectacular" and "magical".

We're impressed by her ability to walk in heels at such a young age, but just because a cosmetic bag starts out holding a tube of Cherry Chapstick and ends up filled with thousands of dollars of lip product doesn't mean a child has spectacular magicalness. It means you should have watched her a bit more carefully when you were in Sephora.

and the Casa de Bachlorette turns into Casa de Mean Girls. Where is Tina Fey when you need her? Wouldn't that be awesome? If halfway through the season Tina Fey showed up and got these "ladies" in line? Especially if she came in full Liz Lemon mode ...

In any case, Vienna, who we thought was a giant because of her enormous teeth and shoulders (but is actually smaller than Jake, who is starting to look like an overgrown elf) gets the first one-on-one date of the week, and as she waves goodbye from the back of Jake's motorcycle, the rest of the house rubs their hands together gleefully as they predict her imminent demise ... if that is what he is looking for well then fine!

Jake whisks Vienna away in a helicopter bound for a yet-unnamed destination ... and it's a bridge over a dry river, and it's adventure date time ... bungee jumping!

Mamarazzi says Hell to the No.

Our happy couple both look as though they might puke. Jake more so than Vienna ... he is in fact, afraid of heights (hello? pilot?) and spends about 20 minutes sniveling into Vienna's (broad) shoulders while she (who is also freaked) strokes his head and gives him the ol' pep talk causing the men in the house of Mamarazzi to shout mean things that all mean "wussy" at him. Of course, the shouting is coming from the comfort of a couple of leather club chairs, and it's always easy to be the Monday morning quarterback, isn't it, fellas?

They jump! And scream and make out and it's actually rather cute, and the next thing you know there is a hot tub and more making out, and I don't think anyone is surprised when Vienna is given a rose ... This is the best day of my life until the day I marry Jake! our toothy rose winner proclaims.

Back at the house a collective wail or surprise and anger goes up as Vienna returns clutching her prized trophy ... and it gets ugly. These chicks are hating on her, and she's oblivious and prattles on about the love and the good times and everyone shoots her death stares and the viewing audience is a little confused, because we've yet to see footage of Vienna being a monster, but her roommates all move out, and she is left on her own, and it's actually a little sad, and although Mamarazzi thinks Ali is very cute, she needs to settle down on the hate, as it is ugly.

Group date time! Elizabeth, Corrie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Michelle, Ali, Jessie, and Kathryn are off to Universal City to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club--which looks less like a club and more like a sound stage from a back episode of Hart to Hart circa 1988 ... it also looks to be about 300 square feet.

Good news Bachelor watchers! The girls are tonight's performers. Confused tourists who probably thought they were in line for a seat at the Rain Forest Cafe are herded in and one by one the girls painfully get up and try to make 'em laugh.

Does Mamarazzi even need to go into how fucking grim this was?

Ali starts off with a joke about "Poo(h)" and Elizabeth is slutty and Tenely just rolls around like a failed contortionist and so it goes... Corrie goes with that old standby of slamming others to make yourself look good as she impersonates Vienna and the other Bachlorettes eat it up and Jake looks confused and muses, the girls are seeing a side of Vienna that I'm not and Mamarazzi wants to punch him in the throat because maybe he should be saying, the girls are acting like jealous cows and I'm not really into that. Ashleigh is crying over the very idea of having to tell a joke and Mamarazzi is pretty sure someone Googled "blonde jokes" for her as she finally sucked it up and went out there and delivered three perfectly acceptable jokes.

Michelle was the best ... what with her pirate boots and OC Housewife tube top and her rambling delivery of sexual innuendo ... Jake, see my coconuts?

This painful group makes it's way to another LA hot spot, the Roosevelt Hotel, to a "wrap" party set up on the roof deck ... and Jake tells the ladies how proud he is of them, which prompts another response from the men in Mamarazzi's house along the lines of, "Creeper! What are you, their dad? They sucked!' Harsh critics, the men around here.

Bring on the tears and the bitching.

Tenely seriously sobs her way through her giant confession of having been married before to a man who cheated on and left her and she is divorced. AHHHHH! DIVORCED! She snivels about how she had saved herself for her wedding night and now she's just a soiled dove ... Jake, not surprisingly, doesn't care a whit about her revelation.

Ashleigh then spends her time with Jake tearing Vienna apart and telling Jake how upset everyone is about the rose he "wasted" on her. Ouch.

More good news! While the women at the Roosevelt tear Vienna apart behind her back the gals back the house are doing it to her face. Gia, (who needs to stop injecting her lips because they are funky) Ella, and the other one are ganging up on her in the kitchen, and when Vienna gets upset and flee they all look at each other with that Yep, we were right she is a drama queen expression and Mamarazzi hates all of them because bullying sucks, and so does this episode.

Women. Being pitted against each other for one dorky man. It's terrible.

Back at the hotel it's Ali's turn to talk shit about Vienna and Mamarazzi is still wondering if we missed the episode that showed nothing but Vienna kicking puppies? and she goes so far as to toast Corrie for her slamming impersonation and when Michelle won't drink to that Ali gives her a quite snotty stare and warns her that Jake is going to want a person who can get along (with women who are being eliminated and he will never see again) and Mamarazzi is pretty much at the STFU stage with Ali.

Michelle just shrugs and let's the world know that she is READY to get married and her mother WANTS another grandchild for God's sake and SHE is here for LOVE and omg her crazy is just a whole 'nother brand of desperate and it's just creepy. She sits down with Jake and tells him that she has been crying because she is the only one here "for the right reasons" (yawn) and then awkwardly asks for a kiss and it's the worst kiss in the history of the Bachelor, all tight-lipped and tense shoulders, and Jake pulls back after a few seconds and Michelle responds to that as one imagines she would, You've gotta give me more than that.

Sigh.

Jake is looking super uncomfortable and says he just wants this night to be over and she says, Well, maybe I should just go. I can't stay here. I'll stay if you want me to stay but ... and Jake's balls grow three sizes (just like the Grinch's heart) and he calls her bluff with I think it's best if you do go. Snap!

And so off she goes in a bright green van cab and the other girls titter and giggle until Jake comes back up and let's them know that they have basically done his head in and there will be no rose tonight and see ya.

Cue crickets and gobsmacked faces ... although the women do spend a few moments glorifying Jake for his "strength". Blech.

Time for the final date of the week and it is a one on one with Ella. She's excited and feels like it is her wedding day and what is wrong with these women?!

Ella is picked up in a helicopter for a fun day at Sea World where Jake has arranged (really Jake? Not the producers? You?) for Ella's son, Ethan, to join them for a "Family Date" which is a little cringe-worthy, but Ella at least has the good sense to say that in the real world she would never introduce her son to someone this soon, but she can tell by the way Jake and Ethan pet dolphins together that Jake would be a wonderful father.

While marine good times were being had, Vienna is back at the ranch trying to apologize for offending the girls and instead of graciously accepting because isn't it better to just get along in this artificial made-for-TV foxhole, Ali stands her ground that Vienna sucks ass.

The viewers have yet to see it, but please note that those with pale blonde eyelashes like Vienna should always wear mascara while on TV.

It actually looks like a fun day but Ella has one of those faces like the Festivus episode of Seinfeld where Jerry is dating the girl he decides is "two faced"... sometimes very attractive and sometimes very fug depending on the lighting ... and there is absolutely no chemistry between them. But in point of fact, when Jake gives Ella a rose (you knew he would right? I mean he just spent the day with her kid!) he gives it with a hug.

Finally the Rose Ceremony/Cocktail Party! Here is how it plays out: remember Elizabeth the Nanny who won't let Jake kiss her? Well, it turns out she is quite touchy-feely and wants to talk about massages and Jake basically calls her a prick tease and then Vienna walks up (after being cued by the producers to do so... it's totally visible on screen) and Elizabeth starts crying and all the other girls rant about how totally unfair it is of Vienna cuz she already has a rose and Vienna quite sanely states that it's a long night and they will all get their time with the Pilot King. Elizabeth tries again to convince Jake she isn't a tease but instead of just saying, Look, it skeeves me out to kiss someone who has been tonguing every girl in this house. She instead acts confused and keeps giving him this weird look where she tucks her chin and tries to look coy yet stick her boobs in hia face at the same time and interviewing that it isn't just Jake picking her it's her picking Jake too and Mamarazzi thinks that perhaps Elizabeth is a little unclear on the show's concept.

Rose Ceremony ends and Valishia (who?) and old cock tease Elizabeth are left to pack their bags and hit the road and Mamarazzi silently applauds Jake for getting rid of two game players tonight.

Next week: Jake burns some roses!!

Mamarazzi would like to proffer its congratulations to all the winners at last night's Golden Globes. And so without further ado, we congratulate Kate Hudson for winning a Golden Globe award

for Best Performance as the Bride of Frankenstein;

to Chloe Sevigny

for her moving performance as Mae West's Vanity Table;

to Penelope Cruz

for Best Remake of an Oompa-Loompa;

and to Anna Paquin

for Best Performance as the Oscar statuette;

and finally, to Christina Hendricks

for appearing as a cross between the St. Pauli Girl and the frill on a lamb chop in La Leche League's documentary, How to Breastfeed In Public Without Embarrassing Anyone.

In another failed attempt to kick-start her cratering career, Lindsay Lohan produced a documentary about sex trafficking in India.

Five minutes after it was released, the internet started to percolate with rumors about a sex tape.

Lindsay denies these rumors. But Lindsay? If you really want to make the rumors go away, don't wear a see-through blouse

to a launch party. Especially if the product being launched

is sex toys.

Honestly, the girl doesn't understand the first thing about combining fame and humanitarian work.

We're thinking about mailing her a biography of Audrey Hepburn.

--
Lindsay Lohan photo courtesy of DListed; vibrators courtesy of BedroomJoys.com

So. Jennifer Love Hewitt has written a book and reportedly has devoted an entire chapter to be-jazzling your va-jay-jay.

She explains, at about 2:30 in the video above, that her Swarovski crystaled be-jazzle looks like a little pink disco ball.

We've been trying to form a mental image of that one all day.

Now, Lopez Tonight host George Lopez appears to be thrilled by this to the point that he goes down... to KISS HER HAND, people. Yes, we got a little nervous when he got off his chair, too.

We suspect that George is mainly thrilled because he's thinking, "YES! People will watch me on YouTube! People will talk! Move over Jay and Conan, it's George's turn to host The Tonight Show!". Hey, he just may be right.

We're preparing ourselves for lots and lots of photos of starlets going commando. This disco ball business gives a whole new meaning to the word "flashing".

Because we like to adopt every new fad, we're thinking, "How can we make our lady parts look like little pink disco balls?". You know, it seems a bit labor intensive. Like, have you ever endured a Brazilian? Gaaa-youch! Ever imagine trying to walk with your thighs scraping against sharp little crystals? Oh, how we suffer for beauty.

So, would you be-jazzle your va-jay-jay? Would you try to turn your shagadelic scene into a disco inferno?

It used to be, that having a baby whilst one was young and out-of-wedlock was a one-way ticket on the Poverty and Hardship Train.

However, the teenage mavericky offspring of Sarah, Bristol Palin will be receiving a six-figure paycheck for agreeing to appear on a national magazine cover with her family.

She is also said to have filed the paperwork to start a company to provide lobbying, public relations and political consulting services.

Clearly, all today's young woman needs for a career and financial security is to get a Masters in Levi's johnson.

Week 2 has now come and gone and let's just cut to the chase and say that the choice to recap Bachelor Season Infinity is going to be the death of Mamarazzi... either that or drive Mamarazzi right into the Wings of Alcohol Rehab...

Tonight's episode kicks off with the girls moving into the Bachelorette pad and a group date and then some one on one action and then another group date with a little mini one on one date and then a cocktail party and FINALLY the most shocking moment in Bachelor history!

The first group date consists of Gia (swimsuit model), Roz (model), Ashleigh H.(beauty queen), Corrie (wardrobe consultant?), Valisha (homemaker?) and Christina (professional insecure human restaurant manager). After reading a clue which states, "A picture is worth a thousand words!" the girls squeal and wonder what this date will involve? Really girls? Mamarazzi is thinking it involves having your friggin' picture taken!

Jake struts in wearing a man-blouse and showing too much waxed chest and whisks the girls up to Santa Monica to a hotel that Mamarazzi knows quite well, the Shagri-La for a (shocker) photo shoot for In Style magazine... surprise!

The girls, half of whom are beautiful for a living, are so excited and whoopee and all except for Christina who gets bug-eyed and starts drinking and comparing herself to the others and although she is kind of funny and wants to take the piss out of her competition by getting snarky with Valisha who won't play along and is now the Queen of No Fun in Mamarazzi's boook.

Flashbulbs start flashing and models start posing and the photographer takes a solo shot of each girl and then Jake leaps in for some cutesy couple poses and Roz flases her cooter and Christina polishes off another glass of wine. The Bachlorettes are actually all quite attractive and they pose and laugh and aha haha and there is some cattiness and then poor sad Christina gets up there and is all, "I'm so ugly!" and "I hate this" and Jake, being the hero that he is, dances around with her and all is right in her not-model world and just talking about later moves her to tears.

Following the photo shoot there is a pool party of sorts which is basically just an opportunity for everyone to strut around in their teeny bikinis "stealing" Jake for some one on one time... Roz gets the first rose by shaking her boobies and grabbing him for a kiss and the other girls look murderous and Mamarazzi is wondering if they have forgotten that this is a competitive show?

Back at the Casa de Desperate a box with a rather major diamond necklace arrives for the "lucky" recipient of the one on one date and Michelle (who spends a lot of time with her eyes closed... either praying or counting to 10?) wants to put it on but the other gals smack her down because they must wait... turns out the date is for Ali (advertising account manager) who, of course because it must be part of the ABC contract, cries upon hearing it's for her.

Michelle sends her crazy eyes.

Alis snivels that she would "go anywhere" with Jake... and that she is the, wait for it, "the luckiest girl in the world" because Jake picked her.

Jake says he's really glad the date is with Ali because he thinks she seems to be a total package which seems to tell us that perhaps he doesn't pick his own dates but that the producers do, no?

Ali comes out dressed in satin cocktail dress (as befits the diamond necklace) and Jake shows up in jeans and a golf shirt and Mamarazzi thinks someone should have given her a little for direction.

Especially when it becomes obvious that she is going to need to hop on the back of a motorcycle. In a short tight dress and evening heels... she makes it look easy though, so props there to you, Ali!

They arrive at a small hangar at an airport and although scared of flying and worried she might, "throw up in her stomach", Ali boards a tiny little pretend plane while Jake tells us that he can show her how, "calm and freeing flying can be..." why, his safety check alone shows her that she is in good hands!

Clear Prop!

Ali loves it! She's on Cloud 9! And Jake's a calm pilot and cue, "On the Wings of Love" and Mamarazzi pours another glass of wine.

And this date is still going on and let's wrap it up shall we? There is the landing of the plane, the drive in an olde tyme car, and then, 80's band Chicago makes an appearance and plays a million songs and Jake gives Ali a rose and it's all amazing and full of sparks and, "feelings taking off" and "perfect moments."

Gag. Jake's inspired Ali to find love! Gag more.

My Lord this episode is still not over... group date number 2 involves Vienna (marketing rep), Kathryn (corporate flight attendant), Ashley (teacher), Jessie (cosmetic sales rep) and Elizabeth (nanny) and this means Ella (hair stylist), Michelle (crazy office manager) and Tenley (Disney Princess) will not have dates this week.

While Jake takes Group 2 to Six Flags Michelle is home angrily packing her bags because Jake clearly doesn't want her around and weirdly, other Bachlorettes encourage her to stay... including First Rose of the Week Holder Roz, who goes so far as to say that Jake told her he wanted Michelle to stay and even Crazy Face knows that is bullshit.

Back at the amusement park there are tearful confessions of impulsive elopements (Vienna) and Ph.D titles (Ashley) and Nanny Elizabeth cannily reads a prepared statement to Jake in which she let's him know there will be no kissy-kissy unless she is the last Bachlorette standing and Jake, because he is a dumb bunny, falls for it and gives her not only a rose but the "honor" of standing outside with him to snuggle and watch a fireworks display that the rest of the girls have to view from inside the SUV limo.

Sad.

Finally it's time for the cocktail party and omg are you still reading because this never ends and here we go... the gals are all gussied up and Jake swanks around asking everyone about their dating history and giving Ella a wee little cupcake for her birthday and this earns his the title of, "Incredible Man" and Ella prattles on about how her son wants to be a pilot and it's all just nauseating.

Michelle tells Jake that she has packed her bags and she is that way... she's honest and will let him know what is on her mind (Mamarazzi reads this as: obnoxious) and Jake actually tells her he wants her to stay (thanks, producers!) and suddenly Ashleigh is there to "steal" Jake and Michelle is pissed and Ashleigh should probably sleep with one eye open tonight...

And here come Chris Harrison! He asks Rozlyn to come outside and speak with him for a moment and awkwardly confronts her about the fact that not only have several girls come forward independently to tell staff about the inappropriate physical contacts they have witnessed between her and a staff member but that the staff member has also "confessed" all and out of respect for Jake and the other girls she needs to pack her bags and hit the road.

Mamarazzi loves Rozlyn's dress.

Roz bizarrely states that her personal life isn't anyone's business and can we all just sit with that for a moment? She's on a dating show. Her personal life is American's business... does she really not get that or was she just reacting to an embarrassing situation?

She is escorted to her room by some burly security man who stands watch while she packs and a van then whisks her away to where the keep naughty Bachlorettes who don't fully appreciate the Wonder of the Bachelor.

Mamarazzi would just like to state that they have no issue with Roz hooking up with some staff member. Hopefully they find love and marriage and happiness... and then The Bachelor can finally have one season of a couple actually making it.

Commercial break and then Chris has to break it to Jake... the lovely Roz is out and Jake actually seems quite pissed which is appropriate but then gets teary which is lame and Jake cries and asks for his rose back and for some reason the cocktail party is OVAH and Jake takes off to that little room of photographs and contemplation and he gazes at Roz's photo and Mamarazzi's husband says, "10 bucks he puts it back face down" and OH YES HE DOES but Mamarazzi was too smart to take that bet which is good because Pilot Bachelor totally puts the photo face down and wha-wha-wha! Man up, Jake! Have another drink and perhaps a make-out session or 2 with one of the other 14 women pining for you in the living room!

Rose Ceremony. More tears... the women are crying for Jake's tricked heart (seriously, they are) and in the end, the insecure Christina and Dr. Ashely are going home.

Dear Pamela:

Recently you've been quoted in the media saying that your 12- and 13-year old sons are unaware of your career.

Well, enjoy this halcyon state while it lasts.

We don't know whether you've noticed, but kids these days are all over the internet.

And so are you.

Listen, this is experience talking.

When you have a 13-year-old son and you blog as "Poppy Buxom," the other kids take notice. And that was just a blog.

It wasn't a sex tape or a Playboy centerfold or a lot of breast surgery or serial marriages or romping around in a red bathing suit on television or squillions of pictures all over the internet your impressive body of work.

Trust us. It's inevitable. Act like a Boy Scout--be prepared.

Sincerely yours,
Mamarazzi

Tiger and Loredana Jolie courtesy of The Newsjunkie
Remember last year at this time, when all everyone ever talked about was Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme? Well, we're still talking about Ponzi schemes, except instead of Wall Street investments, it's a Ponzi scheme of news.

See, we've just heard that Tiger Woods' Official Mistress No. 19, Loredana Jolie, is trying to sell the story of their relationship to the media. For $1 million, she'll tell us everything she saw Tiger do, including the part where he supposedly had sex with men.

She's got to be crazy. At this point, Tiger Woods has had sex with everyone on the planet. Male, female, Cylon, Replicant--anything with an orifice.

Doesn't this skank realize that when everyone has had sex with Tiger Woods, the going rate for a tell-all story goes down? It's a simple question of supply and demand.

And how good a story can she tell? Let's face it; if your only appearance in print was as a Playboy pictorial, chances are you're not much of a raconteur.

And with those nails, she probably can't even type.

If we have to hear about this (and apparently we do) why can't we get the story from an actual reputable journalist?

Like Anderson Cooper.

You know, most of us would grab the statue and get off the stage as quickly and vertically as we could. But Mariah's different from us. For one thing, she remained vertical, probably thanks to her stiff tube gown. We're taking note of that for our next awards gala.

If you can handle the whole six minutes of Mariah's train wreck, here's the whole speech.

So, which do you like better, Mariah's mess or Joaquin Phoenix's oddball performance on Letterman?

If you've ever seen the show Life After People, you're familiar with the concept of beloved landmarks crumbling and falling from the lack of attention and care of humans.

A forensic artist applied the same principles to celebrities and altered photographs of Hollywood royalty as they might appear in a decade's time without the helpful assistance of dermatologists, plastic surgeons, physical trainers, and personal chefs.

Consider it our first gift of the new year to you!

It's back America! The most romantical, the most shocking, the most ah-may-zing season of The Bachelor EVAH!

Mamarazzi told itself that it wasn't going to watch anymore of this nonsense... 2010 was going to be all about Nova and small foreign films, yet, somehow, last night at 8 o'clock ABC was suddenly on and Mamarazzi totally blames The Husband.

Jake Pavelka, the dumped Bachelor from Season Infinity of The Bachelorette is apparently someone, if you believe the taglines, that American fell in love with... oh Jake, is this true? Do we love you? We don't really remember you, but you sure are cute... nice abs Pilot Pavelka!

America (aka, Lovers of Jake) is introduced to 25 women... they are all pretty, some more so than others... lots of "models" (Roz) and "swimsuit models" (Gia) and "spokemodels" (Caitlyn) and even a "fit model" (Emily)... so very many appellations of being pretty, no?

Mamarazzi also can't quite keep them straight yet but will tell you that some of the "brighter" moments included Channy offering to let Jake taxi down her landing strip... but she said it in Cambodian so ok then?!

Then there was a Ashley (Ashleigh?) who put on a 1960's era Stewardess outfit and to let Captain Jake know his co-pilot (for life) had arrived...

And Michelle who has already game set and WON the title of Official Nutbag of Season Gazillion... it was either because of her feeling that she deserved that first impression rose... "to fill in the missing husband and children pieces... it will just make her feel even..." Or because she sent crazy eyes around the room while announcing she wants to marry Jake and have his babies ASAP.

Run Jake! RUN!

There is also a Vienna who is a Daddy's Girl and a Tenley who was a Disney Princess and an Ella who is all set to bring Jake home to meet her son and have a fairy tale family life together... also, she likes to box and will, "punch someone out" if they get in her way... pack it up other Bachlorettes, it's too dangerous out here on the wings of love!

And so the parade goes on and on with 25 pretty women with good boob surgeons and cheesy pilot puns and a spontaneous football game with the gals kicking off their heels and screaming and generally pretending to be the Kennedys tossing the ball around and Mamarazzi will tell you this is where Jake would have not given Mamarazzi a rose because we are not tossing around the ball, we are in the kitchen whipping up a stiff pitcher of margaritas... we are not "game". Anyhoo, moving on, Jillian, the Bachlorette who dumped Jake, arrives with Ed, her stumpy looking finance or some crap, and they give Jake their opinion on the gals and on and on and on again until we have the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony ever and Jake has his final 15 desperate ladies.

Coming up on this season of The Bachelor: One of the ladies is totally screwing a member of the crew! Awesome!

Stay tuned, America!

We had resolved to stop making fun of anyone whose last name is Gosselin or Lohan. Instead, we were going to do nice, positive, upstanding things like congratulate Matthew McBongity on the birth of his daughter.

Photo courtesy of X17.com

And you see how long that lasted.

But we don't really feel we're really breaking our resolution, because we're powerless in the face of Jon Gosselin's dead shark eyes. He reminds us of the guy who played Torgo in Manos: The Hands of Fate. We're under his spell, and the proof is our sudden urge to go to Ulta to buy an Ed Hardy fragrance.

(Also, those of you who went to co-ed high schools, does it look like Michael Lohan's teacher asked him to write something on the board, and he has a hard-on and is trying to hide it with the front of his t-shirt?)

ANYWAY. Apparently there are talks underway between these two fame whores. They're planning on having some kind of boxing match.

YAWN. With any luck, they'll be like matter and anti-matter. As soon as one of them manages to land a punch, they'll both disappear.

Mamarazzi has decided that the aughties were the Decade of the Celebutante. Which means that they, like the decade, are over.

Join us as we declare 2010 a Celebutante-free decade. Like gluten-free, but even more delicious.

And Happy New Year!