December 2009 Archives

Brad, looks like your little plot has worked. If we can trust Star magazine, and we know we can't can, you've finally succeeded at grossing out Angelina.

It seems that Angelina wants to mess around with other men and possibly women. If she's anything like us, she wants to mate with people who don't have what appears to be a dead rat dangling from their chins...

... or moldy shower caps on their heads.

Brad, oh Brad, please make this New Years resolution for 2010: Just DUMP that nutty, if hot, serial adopter and start grooming yourself so that you don't look like you've holed yourself up in The Unibomber's cabin for the past year. And would it kill you to take a bath?

Brad, clean up and come celebrate 2010 with the Mamas of Mamarazzi. Between the four of us, we have 11 kids but we're willing to make special time for you. We'll even let you keep the shower cap if necessary, but be forewarned: We draw the line at chin rats.

Oh, and it's OK with us if you introduce us to your pal George Clooney.

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM MAMARAZZI!

Ivanka Trump, former wife of spun-sugar coiffed Donald, mother of three, and grandmother of two babies reportedly lost her shit and was escorted off a Delta flight after screaming, "Little F***ers! Shut the f** up!" at unruly children who were screaming and running up and down the aisle.

We are speechless that anyone who had sex with Donald Trump for fourteen years would ever fly Delta.

Mamarazzi is surprised to learn that when Tiger wrote Rachel Uchitel the following: "I know it's brutal on you that you can't be with me all the time. I get it. It f***ing kills me, too. I finally found someone I connect with, someone I have never found like this. Not even at home. You want someone to witness your life. I want you to lay next to me, lay on me or where ever you want to lay. F***. Why didn't we find each other years ago. We wouldn't be having this conversation." He was sort of serious.

Tiger and Rachel have been recently spotted "holding hands(!)" and "mingling(!)" over the weekend at a party in Palm Beach... Mamarazzi thinks Tiger is going to go with the PR Spin of, "I didn't mean for it to happen, but I fell in love."

Mamarazzi laughs in your general direction, Tiger.

As for Rachel... well, who cares? She is the Alpha Mistress of dozens and if she hasn't learned by now, Mamarazzi will spell it out for her: What they do with you, they will do to you.

Did you hear what Jon Gosselin found in his apartment when he got home after Christmas with the kids?

INFphoto.com

His apartment had been ransacked. His clothes, bedding, and furniture had been slashed. Stuff was stolen; stuff was broken. And sticking out of the bedroom dresser? A butcher knife holding a note signed "Hailey Glassman."

Mainstream media will probably attribute the breaking/entering/carving of the word "cheater" in his headboard to a perpretator hired by his ex-girlfriend Hailey.

But responsible news organizations like The National Enquirer and Mamarazzi will probably say it was probably someone who wanted to bring everyone some Christmas cheer! We're picturing Will Ferrell in an Elf suit.

Seriously, though ... it probably would be a good idea to keep the adage about "woman scorned" in mind.

And Tiger? You'd better upgrade your burglar alarms.

You know Ho-Bag

And Pasty

And Aging

And Cheeto,

Flatsie

and Big Foot

and Goofball

and Weirdo

But do you recall

the biggest fame whore of all?

Santa's got a rough job today. He's got to finalize who's been naughty and nice and let's face it, we're all in danger of making the naughty list.

Lucky for us, some high profile people manage to shock even Santa. You think Santa's naive? Remember, he visits hundreds of millions of houses every Christmas and he's SEEN stuff, you know.

So who could possibly top Santa's Naughty List this year?

Kanye West, perhaps? Who else got called a "jackass" by the President of the United States?



How's about Balloon Dad? Remember the brilliant trickster who misled the police, media, and coerced his wife and 6-year-old son to lie to everyone? We give Balloon Dad bonus Naughty points for his half-baked scheming and scenery-gnawing 911 performance.



Oh, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. Don't turn into Jon Gosselin (write-in candidate!).



Or Tom Cruise. You know, just because he's Tom Cruise.

Dear Jessica Simpson,

You're doing it wrong.

Happy House-Fire Free Holidays!

The Mamarazzi

America's current Teen Queen (until the Disney machine has her permanently replaced by Selena Gomez) Miley Cyrus was interviewed in Dublin last week local talk show, Xpose, during which is proceeded to chastise both Madonna and Angelina Jolie for "parading their kids" in front of the public eye... Miley, "really disagrees with it as the children have no say."

Which, ok. Sure Miley. Go ahead and climb up on that high horse and remind Madonna and Angelina that they should hole those kids of theirs up and stick to Internet shopping and whatever and you'll just continue to swivel your (minor aged) hips around in booty shorts and whatever, but um... Mamarazzi can't help but wonder, what with your Stand on Permission and all, about this little gem you posted on your website last week... you know, the video of your 9 year old sister dancing to "Smack This":

While Mamarazzi surely hopes you (or your parents) received Noah's written consent (and let's face it, Noah is headed down Disaster Lane) Mamarazzi would also like to take a moment to remind you that people who live in Disney houses of glass with Billy Ray Cyrus shouldn't throw stones.

Last night internet-and-MTV-reality omnisexual fame whore Tila Tequila announced on twitter that she's pregnant. And that fiancée Casey Johnson

isn't the father.

Yawn, right?

Check it out:

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT: I am going to become a SURROGATE MOTHER for my brother & his Wife!!! That is my xmas present to them,Im pregnant!!!!

Is pregnancy contagious? Because we just threw up a little in our mouths.

(On the bright side, a full-term pregnancy would prevent another bout of Tampon string flashing.)

When you hear that a child sneaked downstairs, got into the refrigerator, found the beer, drank some, left his house, broke into the neighbor's house, opened a bunch of their Christmas presents, discovered one of the presents was a dress, put it on, and wandered down the middle of the street until the police came and arrested him, you immediately assume the worst. That it's a Cyrus. Or maybe one of Britney's boys.

In fact, this time it was a civilian. A four year old boy. Whose mother is 21.

Those of us whose children are older than four are now feeling a huge sense of relief that we have been spared this humiliation.

We are also thrilled to have reached the age of 21 without being asked to appear on television to explain our children's misdeeds.

A college education has many purposes. Apparently, one of them is birth control.

Dear Mamarazzi,

- Dusty

Dear Dusty,

We Mamas highly recommend the old school approach to wrinkles: Embrace them! Show the world that you've weathered the highs and lows of life. Let the kiddies know that you've been there. And back.

BUT. If you must, go easy on the Botox. And don't mix Botox with Dap.

Behold the heartbreaking mix of dried spackle on a face so numb with Botox, the poor insecure soul couldn't even feel the Dap on her frozen solid face.

Smoochies,
Mamarazzi

The holidays are a time of year when even non-musical families find themselves belting out "Deck the Halls" when the mood is right and the eggnog properly spiked.

So just imagine what must transpire when music-industry families gather with friends and loved ones!
Take the Cyrus family: what sort of lyrical loveliness is created when Achey Breaky Papa Billy Ray, tween sensation Miley, and poptart-in-training Noah join hands and gather around the fireplace?

Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the former call girl best known for banging Eliot, former governor of New York, Spitzer, has snagged herself a new gig... dispensing LOVE ADVICE (collective eye roll) for the New York Post..

That's right... as Ms. Dupre has been all over the Internet in the wake of the Tiger Wood's scandal stating that Tiger should have stuck to hookers as, "prostitutes keep married men married!"

Well, there you go... thanks, Ashley!

Personally, Mamarazzi (at least Tuesday's Mamarazzi) doesn't have a problem with the worlds' oldest professtion and feels that it should be legalized and regulated to protect sex workers and their clients... but Mamarazzi always has a problem with adultery.

Here is some more of Ashley's straight-out-of-the-park advice:

My girlfriend says she doesn't like porn. Is she lying? -- David K, 36, TriBeCa

Try sending her an e-mail of a soft-porn clip and say "I can't wait to do this to you tonight." And see what she says.

So tell Mamarazzi: do you think Ashley has the goods?

*title: credit, Teresa, Real Housewives of NJ.

When we saw this picture Adam Sandler and his daughter out shopping for Hanukkah, we had nothing to say but "squee!" and "awwwww."

But that reminded us of The Hanukkah Song. And how we hadn't said anything about Hanukkah.

Happy Festival of Lights!

love,

The Dim Bulbs at Mamarazzi

Photo courtesy of DListed.com

Honestly, we barely recognized Britney.

Wait a minute. Does this mean that if we add a foot of blonde extensions and take off most of our clothes, we'll look like pop stars?

Hmm. Maybe we'll need to fine-tune it a bit. Work on the details. Like losing the lipstick. And adding a bag of Cheetos.

Oh, those krazy Kardashian sisters.

Khloe Kardashian, appearing with her sister Kim on Rachael Ray's show, said that pregnant sister Kourtney assumed that she'd be breast feeding for five years.

"Kourtney was like 'I'm so excited, I don't have to cook for five years! And I go 'what do you mean?' She's like, 'I'm gonna breast feed.' I go, 'For five years?' She has, like, no idea!"

Read that quote again. We don't know where to begin correcting it.

Now, we're all for breast feeding. Breast is best! But hello? What are high chairs for? Are they merely tools to raise your baby to the perfect breast-feeding level?

Be GONE, mental images!

OK, it just may be a joke -- and a klever advertisement for the return of their, um, reality series Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami. (We'd prefer Kourtney & Khloe Take Kalamazoo.)

We weren't born yesterday. The dumb chick thing's been done before, and done a whole lot better.

Watch and learn, Klever Kardashians. Watch and learn.

Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,

We like you, we really do. You've managed to be a celebrity and have a personal life that (for the most part) remains out of the tabloids. And when aspects of your life does make celebrity rags, like a true old Hollywood star, you don't dignify it with an answer.

However, we do see an area in your life that could stand some improvement.

It's time to retire the strapless mini, sweetheart.

Taking the crown from Jon Gosselin as King of the Douchebags, Tiger Woods's World Tour of Shame continues to grow ... what should we discuss first? His failure to use condoms with at least two of his conquests? His shame about his small calves? His freaky dreams about David Boreanaz (to be fair, Mamarazzi has them too) and Derek Jeter?

It's a pinata of WTF?

Twenty-four-year-old cocktail waitress and former Tool Academy cast member Jaimee Grubbs said that Woods not only did not use a condom, he also never asked whether she was on any form of birth control. The same goes for 33-year-old Perkins manager, Mindy Lawton (you know, the one he f*cked all over his family home.)

This is the part of the story that makes us hate Tiger Woods. Any person who would risk contracting life-changing or life-threatening diseases for a few minutes of rah rah time, and then go home and expose his wife to those same risks is someone we would like to HIT WITH A GOLF CLUB. Only harder.

La Grubbs also brings us the tragic and teary story of Tiger's Calves of Shame. Seems he gave her a "death stare" when she "playfully sassed" him about them. Poor Tiger. Mamarazzi weeps. We know what will make you feel better! Unprotected sex with random cocktail waitresses!

But here's a story to help you lose your appetite; Rachel Uchitel, the mistress who has somehow managed a seven figure silence payday in the wake of all this chaos, has a "friend" who was only too happy to spill the beans about Tiger's lurid and vivid emails. The most scandalous would be the following:

I had a dream we were married and I was leading the tournament," Woods reportedly wrote. "I came home, excited to see you, and there you were in the bedroom getting f--ked by Derek and David [Boreanaz]. Some part of me thinks you would like that.

The married athlete then explains how wired he is from his x-rated vision of Uchitel with TV and baseball hunks. (US magazine)

Look Elin, you are a gorgeous young woman and although we've all been reading that you have to stay with this yahoo of a golfer for two more years in order to collect the big fat payday (which we feel you deserve), perhaps you can "stay married" from separate states.

Dear Bimbo:

You've got to be kidding. He's 42 years older than you; he's an alcoholic who regularly sucks down two bottles of vodka a day, and he's just been arrested for beating you.

Look, if you want money, there are easier ways to earn it. Like reality shows. Or the lottery. Or selling your soul to the devil.

Anything's better than having sex with a cigar store Indian.

Even if it gives a whole new meaning to the word "Wood."

Smooches,
The Mamarazzi

Now that a seemingly endless stream of nightclub hostesses and cocktail waitresses has come forward with their stories, Tiger Woods has finally sort of admitted that he was, in fact, getting some on the side.

Rachel "Troutpout" Uchitel courtesy of NY Daily News

Tiger's-eye view of Jaimee Grubbs courtesy of Radar On Line

In doing this, he has followed the traditional route of all cheating bastards, which is to:

1. lie
2. admit as little of the truth as possible
3. ask for privacy

What interests us is the issue of his privacy.

Tiger Woods was a golf prodigy, who took part in a televised putting competition with Bob Hope when he was two years old. When he was five, he appeared in Golf Digest. When he was 20, he went pro and immediately scored $60 million in endorsements.

After that he played a lot of golf, got even more famous, and became the highest paid athlete in the world. Forbes magazine estimates that Tiger has earned a billion dollars. For what--toiling in a solitary garret perfecting his art? No, for playing golf on television.

Tiger, we're sorry to disappoint you, but Nike is paying you buckets of money because you're a public figure.

And if a public figure goes on a multiple-nightclub-hostess banging spree, well, the public is going to have its little laugh.

Yeah, we've all dreamed it. The glamor, greatness by proximity, the cold hard cash... maybe best of all, we could gloat that we married better than any of those girls in high school who put us through Hell just because they could.

Then reality hits us like a 3-iron to the lip. Do we really want to grab that tiger by the tail?

Behold the disadvantages:

1. The Prenup.

Can you blame Lamar Odom for trying to protect his $14,148,596 annual salary from Khloe? Remember, the LA Lakers have paid him at least $83,164,062 since 2000. Eighty-three freaking MILLION DOLLARS plus bonuses. And we're not even talking endorsements. Nothing like starting off your wedded bliss like saying, "Khloe, I love you despite your misspelled trailer park name. But keep your greedy paws off my stuff".

2. The Fans.

Good grief, fame makes anyone hot. How else can you explain the apparent fact that our old friend Jon Gosselin gets women? Hello, ladies! Having eight test tube babies does not make one a stud! Do you know how those kids were conceived? Rub, rub, POW into a cup, that's how. Hot.

3. The Guys Themselves.

Photo: Reuters
Three words. Ewwww, ick, bleeeeccchhh.

Kendra Wilkinson did the right thing. She fled Hef's Bunny Hutch and got herself a relatively minor celeb husband, Indianapolis Colt Wide Receiver Hank Baskett. It must be love, as Hank is worth about 1/28th (yes, we did the research and math!) as much as Lamar.

The greatest benefit of marrying a relatively normal guy, besides the fact that you don't need to get anywhere near Hef's face?

You're allowed to go from this

to this.

The best part? When Kendra and Hank go clubbing at 2:30 AM, no 3-irons are involved.

Mamarazzi doesn't.

Mamarazzi has daughters and those daughters love high heels... they love heels with princesses, heels with marabou, heels with glitter... they especially love heels that combine all those things. If they could find a pair of heels with unicorns and sparkles, they would never take them off...

So why the heat on poor little over photographed Suri Cruise? Is it because she wears heels with tee shirt dresses on days in which Kat(i)e is bundled up for a frost? Is it because she is 3 and tripping around in heels with a bottle of magic Scientology barley water? Is it because we feel that by saving Suri from her heels we can save Kat(i)e from the increasingly odd Tom Cruise?

This is the type of important Pop Culture moment which deserves a poll: