Katie, don't deny it: you miss your old friends (those deeply flawed Raw Meat Thetans) who don't accept Xenu.
You know, because proper Scientologists must dump their non-believer friends and replace them with the likes of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith, both of whom could eat you for lunch, girlfriend.
Mamarazzi worries about you, darlin', and want to help, because we're nice like that. So we recommend that you take advantage of some wonderful offers from Bridge Publications, Scientology's publisher, sure to properly educate your unenlightened friends.
We called Bridge Publications last night, no lie, and learned of their, we are not making this up, CHRISTMAS SPECIALS on Scientology book and DVD collections.
Wait. Xenu and Jesus? Whaaaaa? Clearly, we need to buy The Ultimate Collection because we have so much to learn.
Anyhoo, for a bargain price, almost 40% off the price of buying each publication separately, you can buy L. Ron Hubbard's The Ultimate Collection for the low, low Christmas special price of just $5,000! Yes, separately, these materials would cost you $7,800. Such a deal!
Katie, we believe that you could make a fine impression on your old pals by giving them this most generous gift.
Because nothing says Christmas like converting your friends to non-Christianity.
You misread their site - they're the publishers of "New york times and international bestselling author blah blah blah", as in he's a New York Times bestselling author.
Love the site!
Emily, thank you for sparing us another heart attack. We've updated the post appropriately.