November 2009 Archives

Last Friday we were twittering some snark about Tiger Woods's car accident. (We're not heartless; we'd already heard he was OK.) You know, the one where his wife, Elin Nordegren, bravely rescued him from his wrecked Escalade by breaking the car window with one of Tiger's clubs.

But this morning, our dream of an adoring wife and grateful husband was shattered by news update involving a cheated-on wife and mother of two 1. scratching her husband's face, 2. chasing him down the driveway, and 3. whacking him with his own golf clubs.

Seems that Tiger has been romantically linked with Rachel Uchitel.

Despite having been linked romantically with "a famous baseball player, a Broadway star, a musician, and various film and television actors," Rachel claims, "I will never kiss and tell."

Whatever, Rachel. That remark strikes us as both pitiful and braggypants. As far as we're concerned, your new last name is Kissandtell. And that's not the worst name we thought up.

But back to Tiger. He's still not talking.

We hope that means he's shopping for a golf-ball-sized diamond.

Because Ellin appears to have a pretty good swing.

Here's a day-after-Thanksgiving treat for you: a costume party where celebrities come dressed as part of a Thanksgiving dinner.

Here's Katy Perry

as a couple of slices of breast meat

Rihanna's hair

as the sweet potatoes

Jon Gosselin's midsection

as a Jell-O mold

Rihanna's right thigh

as a drumstick

Fergie

as a can of cranberry sauce

Adam Lambert

as a relish tray

or maybe just a pickle in his pocket, if you get our drift

Janet Jackson

as the stuffing

Nicole Kidman

as the tablecloth your mother forgot to iron

Courtney Love

as a hangover

and Kanye West

as the turkey.

Today, in case you hadn't noticed, is Thanksgiving and we at Mamarazzi have a lot to be thankful for. And because we're not bee-yatches all the time, we're thankful for nice stuff such as our families, friends, good health and good food on the table (Thanksgiving take-out? Don't mind if we do!).


We are extremely thankful that we're not married to Tom Cruise. We have enough crazy in our lives without being married to a loon who thinks he's the cock of the walk.

Lastly, we are thankful that our moms and paramount female role models aren't Shauna Sand. This reminds us: For Thanksgiving, we prefer all-natural, organic turkey breasts.

This year, we're thankful that the dumbass that nearly took out celebrity chef (and GRANDMOTHER) Paula Dean with a full-size ham wasn't our kid.

Sometimes

it's really hard

for new fathers

to get their figures back.

It's been a long time since we opened a Mad magazine. After all, we're not exactly their target demographic.

But when we heard that they picked the canonization of Michael Jackson as the Number 1 Stupid Thing of 2009, we had to take a peek. And this is what we saw.

So tell us. Funny? Or two very sequined thumbs down?

New Moon-struck? Got questions? Relax, dears, Mamarazzi's here to help.

But first, some photos of Robert Pattinson, because at least some of us are on Team Edward and God help us, he's weird looking but he's got something that makes us all Jell-o-ed out we have a little thing for Mr. P.

Maybe we can see the wild child in him that needs to be lassoed in.

people.com

Sure, it's a prop but we're still happy that he's holding a book about us.

vanityfair.com

Be still our pitter-pattering hearts! Back to the questions. What kind of freaky place is this Forks, anyway, with its vampires and now werewolves? Answer: We don't care. Honestly, we have bigger questions. Time for another Pattinson pic!

Will Edward agree to kiss Bella? And if he does, will he go wild with blood lust? Our reply? Yawwwwwnnnn. Unless he's nibbling our necks, of course. Then, wheeeee!*

Will Bella become a vampire so she can be with Edward? Frankly, we don't know. Some of us couldn't stay awake reading the first quarter of Twilight.

RPatz's 30 sexiest stares video! You do have to admire the boy's consistancy.

SO, you may ask, what does Mamarazzi want to know? Elementary, sweeties. The most basic of all questions in the entire Twilight series?

Why oh why, if you're able to live hundreds of years or more, you're a beautiful and rich vampire, would you choose to waste your beautiful youth in the worst possible Hell of all, High School?

* We know this is all kinds of wrong. Bite us!

Test your celebrity parenting IQ! Read the following and decide which celebrity mom is most likely to say the following:

"They got in trouble because my children are riding their dirt bikes through the whole trailer park, going crazy, doing flips - and everyone's concerned for their safety. And my mom's like, 'Oh, they've been riding the whole weekend, they're having a blast!' I was like, 'They're not allowed to ride their dirt bikes in the trailer park!' They terrorize the neighborhood the whole time."

"But I think when somebody says something bad about your mother, what are you supposed to do? It is hard when other kids are like, 'I've seen your mom with her clothes off!' I've tried to teach my kids I have no problem with nudity. Violence isn't good but my son was really upset, he was shaking and crying and looking in my eyes. It's so sad."

Choices:

A) Britney Spears in about 10 years. Her little guys are going to be paying for Mommy's music videos and that whole lack-of-underpants era for the rest of their lives.

B) Jenna Jameson in 5 years. Having a mom who was a famous porn star requires growing up fast, which could easily mean learning to ride a dirt bike in kindergarten to escape bullies and teasing.

C) Pamela Anderson, present day. Way better to have the reputation of "Crazy biker kid" than "Son of sagging former Playboy model who enjoyed sex with dubious partners and is still naked a lot."

D) All the of above. These poor little rich boys are SO SCREWED ALREADY, OMG.

Oh France, what would we do without you?

A new hotel has opened in Nantes, France where, for $148 a night, guests can book into the Hamster Villa and enjoy the Hamster Experience... a giant wheel, seeds, water from a hanging bottle... even a plush costume...apparently it's a chance to change one's way of life.

Now, quite frankly, Mamarazzi doesn't get this at all, but hell, if it comes with a giant Hamster Ball - Game On.

Cute girls like to travel in packs. It's the reason sororities exist. It's why we have The Rockettes. It may even be the reason women never seem to be able to go to the bathroom one at a time.

This is because if one cute girl is a sparkler, a group of cute girls is a fireworks display.

Photo courtesy of NY Daily News

Unfortunately, the same is true of douchebags.

Take an Ed Hardy-wearing, hair-plugs sporting cheating reality show dad, stand him next to Bristol Palin's baby daddy, take them to Times Square, dress them in matching peacoats, and what do you have?

A perfect storm of assholiness that threatens to engulf Manhattan.

We'd like to congratulate Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart for the impending birth of what will no doubt be a seriously good-looking infant.

OK, that was nice. And supportive. We didn't even mention the naked hot tub sex.

So now that we're BFFs with Eric, we'd like to take this opportunity to beg him not to let himself go. Because we noticed his hat, and we're very concerned.

As a refresher, here are a couple of pictures of the pre-Dad, pre-hat Eric Dane:

Now look what happened to Brad Pitt. We start with the fresh-faced, bare-armed hunk,

add one child and a hat

and the next thing you know, you've got a hot mess.

Eric, it looks like a harmless little hat, but in reality, it's a slippery slope. Don't let this happen to you.

Oh, for heaven's sake. Now Lindsay Lohan's mom is blaming Lindsay's downward spiral on Heath Ledger. Dina said, "His death f***** her up." Oh, it is soooo easy to blame it on the dead guy.

In all fairness, even Dina Lohan knows that parenting is immensely difficult and that nothing is simple or clear-cut. No matter how hard you try, kids can go wrong. No wonder that when kids go bad, it's so easy to fish for blame.

Of course, Mamarzzi's always here to help. We're moms too, so we offer up some easy-peasy blame-worthy influences.



Blame Franklin D. Roosevelt for repealing the Prohibition, allowing Lindsay to reign as queen of the club scene while still in her teens.



Blame Dr. Timothy Leary for popularizing, even urging recreational drug use and the "Tune in, turn on, drop dead out" philosophy. Because who knows better than a nutty professor?

Blame It On The Rain. Or Milli Vanilli, at the very least. Because, well, we're not above going for the easy silly joke.

Is it just us, or do little Atlas Tupper's eyes seem to convey that he's realized Mommy is Celestia and that he'd really, really like some help right about now?

To be honest, Mamarazzi is a bit unsure of which reality hell Omarosa sprang from... was it an early season of Survivor or has she always been an Apprentice girl?

No matter. What is memorable is that she is the type of woman who is basically just a jackass.

And Donald Trump? Well, what hasn't been said. We're not fans, but we sure liked his daughter's wedding dress.

Apparently, The Donald and The Omarosa are pairing up to find Omarosa a husband... on television... because that always works! Just ask 12 past seasons of Bachelors/Bachelorettes (on a side note, Mamarazzi really hates the word, bachelorette), not to mention a few chesty and broken hearted Rock of Lovers and I ♥ New Yorkers... reality show matchmaking is an epic fail.

Not surprisingly, Trump has already billed this as the "Biggest" and "Tremendous" and a whole lotta other adjectives which mean, "Best", dating show EVAH.

Mamarazzi weeps for many many things.

Yet will probably watch.

We really came down from our Halloween-candy-fueled high when we heard that Michael Jackson's father Joe is taking Michael's estate to court.

Think about it. This is It! tops the box office; the soundtrack breaks the Billboard 100, and Joe "Child Abuse" Jackson shows up with his hand out.

Seems that before Michael died, he had been giving his father a monthly allowance. But Michael died in June, and the allowance stopped. Michael left $26,000 a month to his mother and $60,000 a month to his children. But he didn't arrange for an allowance for his father. Joe Jackson's sole source of income is now his monthly Social Security check.

In court documents Jackson claimed monthly expenses of $1,200 for rent; $2,500 for eating out; $2,000 in airfare ... and Lord knows how much for sunglasses, cosmetic dentistry, and snappy little fedoras.

We're sorry to break it to you, Joe, but the gravy train has left.

Speaking of Gravy Train, maybe it's time you developed an appetite for dog food. Either that, or move back in with your wife.

Assuming she'll let you.

Everyone knows what it means to hit bottom. It's when you can finally admit that you've completely lost control of your life. Michael Lohan knows this. He also knows that no one can force you to become sober; this is a decision and a process that you have to embark upon yourself.

But that hasn't stopped Michael from taping telephone calls from Lindsay--calls in which she weeps, sobs, and is clearly in anguish ... and then releasing them to the press.

He's claiming that it's an attempt to get her to go to rehab. But we respectfully disagree. We think Michael is addicted to talking to reporters.

Katie, don't deny it: you miss your old friends (those deeply flawed Raw Meat Thetans) who don't accept Xenu.

You know, because proper Scientologists must dump their non-believer friends and replace them with the likes of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith, both of whom could eat you for lunch, girlfriend.

Mamarazzi worries about you, darlin', and want to help, because we're nice like that. So we recommend that you take advantage of some wonderful offers from Bridge Publications, Scientology's publisher, sure to properly educate your unenlightened friends.

We called Bridge Publications last night, no lie, and learned of their, we are not making this up, CHRISTMAS SPECIALS on Scientology book and DVD collections.

Wait. Xenu and Jesus? Whaaaaa? Clearly, we need to buy The Ultimate Collection because we have so much to learn.

Anyhoo, for a bargain price, almost 40% off the price of buying each publication separately, you can buy L. Ron Hubbard's The Ultimate Collection for the low, low Christmas special price of just $5,000! Yes, separately, these materials would cost you $7,800. Such a deal!

Katie, we believe that you could make a fine impression on your old pals by giving them this most generous gift.

Because nothing says Christmas like converting your friends to non-Christianity.

We spend week after week spotlighting celebriting parenting blunders that make us cringe. Things like preschoolers in heels and nine year olds dressed inappropriately sexy on more than one occasion can really get to you.

That's why we'd like to celebrate celebrity kid Dakota Fanning today.
Here is a recent photo of Dakota, who is fifteen.

This is not a movie set. That is Dakota, at a real-life football game, among real-life peers, cheering for her real-life football team.
And that's pretty great.

Dakota was also chosen Homecoming Princess for her school. She was cheered and photographed for being a sweet, nice person in real life, instead of for portraying a character in a movie.

We couldn't be happier for Dakota and wish Suri, the Brangelina brood, and other high -profile celebrity kidlets could be allowed moments like these.

Is it just us, or does Angelina look really tired?

Photo courtesy of Sun.uk

Maybe she should think twice before she adopts another orphan from a developing country. The jet lag is obviously killing her.