October 2009 Archives

You've watched beauty pageants on TV, right? Well yesterday, when Balloon Boy's dad won our BAD DAD o' the Week award, Pop Wino was probably all crying and fake-applauding, like the Mr. Congeniality he is.

Because he just won First Runner Up.

Check out the rack on her! Oh, whoops ... that's my daughter.

Yesterday, a reporter asked Pop Wino how Amy was doing. You know, the daughter who goes in and out of rehab so often that the clinic's installing a revolving door? Here's what he said:

Fantastic, fantastic. Her boobs are great as well. I shouldn't have said that should I? She looks absolutely fantastic.

Call us judgmental, but we disapprove of fathers who talk about their daughter's breasts. We were completely grossed out that time that Joe Simpson gushed about Jessica's boobs.

And while we admit that Amy looks better than she used to

she still doesn't look as good as her Madame Tussaud replica.

Quick--which one is the dummy?

We predict that Mitch is going to start angling for a boob job for the dummy any minute now.

Despite the usual worthy competition, Balloon Dad Richard Heene wins Mamarazzi's BAD DAD o' the Week award.

How did Balloon Dad outpace all the other highly qualified celebs? Was it:

- His need to be a fixture on the particularly cheesy reality TV circuit? Gracious no. Reality is the new fiction!

- All the stuff you already know about that not only endangers his kids but worse, makes them wither in shame? Dreadful, but not enough to impress our jaded souls.

- His cringe-inducing would-be reality show jingle? Pretty good, we're embarrassed and he's not even our dad. But this still isn't enough to beat this weeks competition.

- The Psyience Detective videos in which he tried to warn us about the 2012 apocalypse and the "reptilian agenda" - the idea there are alien beings that walk among us and are shape shifters, able to resemble human beings and running the upper echelon of our government? Sure, it's humiliating for the kids but then again, that kind of thinking's all too common. Yawn.

We judge Balloon Dad harshly because of this stellar performance: You know, the one in which that little Hell on training wheels Falcon totally busts his dad?

We are horrified.

Balloon Dad is a bad dad because obviously, any decent father of three knows that six-year olds suck at memorizing their lines.

Photos: AP photos

Seraphina Affleck's reaction to Daddy's old girlfriend's newest single (and name!) is strikingly similar to our own.

Wow, that whole Balloon Boy escapade was really some must-see TV, wasn't it?

Weird and unreal and suspenseful. Like a mash-up of Home Alone, James and the Giant Peach, and the twitter fail whale.

Confession time: we actually didn't catch any of it. Kristin was curled up with Princess Di's funeral service. Sarah was watching O. J. in the white Bronco. Poppy was trying to decide whether that really was a "wardrobe malfunction," and Susie was hypnotized by Aretha Franklin's hat.

You see, we're connoisseurs of live TV excitement, and Balloon Boy didn't make the cut.

We've carried children to term. We've carried angry toddlers out of restaurants. If we had to, we're pretty sure we could carry a six year old.

And we know a Jiffy Pop container filled with helium wouldn't be able to do it.

Yes, Jon and Kate Plus 8 has been canceled. At last, our long national nightmare is over.

Now the Gosselins can move on to the next phase in their careers.

We're not worried about Jon. Ever since he left Kate, he's been is busily preparing for a career as a has-been. Hollywood Squares, Fantasy Island, and The Love Boat don't exist any more. He's already proven how unwatchable he is as a reality TV star. The answer is obviously product endorsements. Jon's already been getting paid to wear Ed Hardy t-shirts,

throw parties in Las Vegas,

and drink milkshakes.

His logical next step? Spokesman for Hair Club for Men.

Speaking of hair, Kate should try celebrity endorsements, too. Perhaps for Fuller Brush.

In fact, Jon and Kate have obviously been inspiring brush manufacturers for quite a while.

Salma Hayek's already feeling pressure to potty train her barely 2 year old daughter, Valentina. Seems that the pressure's coming from Valentina herself!

Salma recently told Access Hollywood, "She's like, 'Take these off, Mommy. I can go to the bathroom."

Can we identify? NO. Honestly, if our kids had their way, they'd have gradutated to Depends.

As for us, our goal has been getting our kids trained by, let's say high school.

Salma went on to say, "But I'm like, 'I don't want you to because I still want you to wear the diaper when we go out because I don't know how to handle the public bathrooms with you. Give me some time.'"

YES! We get it! Thanks to having had kids in the throes of potty training, we know every public bathroom in town. We've learned to rate public bathrooms by one major criterium: Are we willing to rest our diaper bag on the floor?

So Salma, we completly identify with you!

Except for the movie star, sex symbol and billionaire husband parts.

Oh, and the $20,000 diaper bag part, too.

For some reason, we have the feeling that Anna Nicole Smith wasn't worth nearly as much as she claimed to be.

The Mamarazzi moms spend $1 million on t-shirts!!!

Guess what? We're lying.

OK, we actually do have a bunch of Mamarazzi t-shirts, courtesy of the lovely Kristin at Baby Brewing. Want a peek? Here's the design:

They're white cotton, fitted, with the design in dark red. To match the website. But they didn't cost anywhere near $3 million. How could they? They're t-shirts.

What brought this on? The following headline in The Daily Mail:

Little Miss Precocious: The Cruises' designer daughter Suri, the three-year-old with a million-dollar wardrobe

With a headline like that, how can you not click? We had to see. Sure, we had to see these fabulous clothes, but we also wanted to check the Daily Mail's journalistic know-how.

How did they come up with the million dollar figure? Did they interview shop owners? Sneak into designer baby boutiques and peek at the price tags? Bribe the nanny? Go through the Cruise's trash and collect receipts? Call up Katie Holmes and ask?

Well, guess what. We read through the entire article and found zip. They offered no evidence at all. Go ahead. Read it yourself.

While you're at it, study the pictures. Does that look like a million dollar worth of clothes?

Not yet it doesn't. But with a little photoshopping ...


she looks like a million bucks now!

We've blogged before about Courtney Love's habit of ranting unintelligibly on twitter--going off on a wide variety of targets, including Hole band mates, financial mismanagement, and the military/industrial complex.

And now her daughter Frances Bean just delivered a major twitslap^TM to Ali Lohan for no reason. At least, not one we can figure out.

On the left, Frances Bean Cobain. On the right, Ali Lohan. Photo courtesy of The Sun.

(OK, the dress is heinous. A little black dress with lace cut-outs is inappropriate evening wear for a 15 year old. That's the kind of dress we'd expect to see on the likes of Megan Fox. But Alli's a 15-year-old Lohan. We don't expect her to go out at night wearing a cute little dress from Nordstrom's Brass Plum.)

What did Frances Bean tweet? Glad you asked:

This is my open letter to Ali Lohan.

Your (sic) not entitled to anything simply because your sister has a recognisable (sic) name.

Your idea of fame isn't fame. It's infamy. You want to be famous? Work your a** off and make decisions that could potentially catapult your career into a lasting one.

Notoriety for who you are and notoriety for the work you produce are two completely different things.

I understand that you have been brought up in an environment where the idea of fame is easily achievable but, that's not an excuse.

You lack the talent, social understanding and credibility to be anything other then infamous.

Your career choices, thus far, will transcend a future career as someone who attempted to be famous, but never quite achieved it.

I recognize that I might come across as harsh and no, I don't personally know you, but its the actions that you take, that speak for you.

You blatantly don't care how your (sic) recognized, its (sic) the objective to get famous and that is what makes you replaceable and a recycled idea.

Well, I'm ashamed to have to be grouped into the same category of person as you.

I would rather die a most painful death the (sic) be associated with the kind of career your (sic) trying to make for yourself.

I hope I'm wrong because generally I'm not a very judgmental person, but in the case of you, that is MY entitlement.

And now it looks like both Courtney and Frances have deleted their twitter accounts. Which is a shame, at least as far as Frances is concerned. For one thing, her grammar, spelling, and punctuation are better than 90 percent of the material on the web. They're almost as good as ours.

Also? We were hoping Dina Lohan would step in to defend Ali. We wee picturing an epic Courtney Love/Dina Lohan smackdown, and frankly, the idea that it'll never take place is making us weep a little bit.

Cartoon violence? So last decade.

Meet cartoon sex.

Guess which beloved cartoon mom is going to be featured in the November issue of Playboy?

Tell you what--let's make this a contest. We'll give you a choice of several beloved cartoon moms, and send a free Mamarazzi t-shirt to the first reader who leaves a comment with the correct answer.

a. Wilma Flintstone

b. Lois Griffin

c. Jane Jetson

d. Cartman's mom

d. Marge Simpson

Need a hint?

There's some question as to whether said cartoon matron is planning to flash her blue Brazilian.

There. Don't say we never did anything for you.

Now vote early and often!

Have you seen that bumper sticker that says "Well behaved women seldom make history"? Mamarazzi has its own version of that:

Well behaved people seldom make reality shows.

Case in point: Michael Vick will soon have his own reality show, The Michael Vick Project.

You know Mr. Vick. He's the father of three who rose to NFL greatness despite a rough and challenging childhood in the ghetto. Too bad he blew all of that by running a dog fight-to-the-death operation at his mansion. For that, he got two years in the federal doghouse.

Now he's out and a Quarterback with the Philadelphia Eagles and will soon star as his bad self in BET's 9 - part series about his real life.

Now, you don't need to be an animal lover, spend company time checking out The Daily Puppy or LOL Dogs 20 times a day or drive a car adorned with bumper stickers reading "I Brake for Chipmunks" and "Save the Sea Kittens" to feel as sick as a dog about Mr. Vick's good fortune.

Then again, some feel that Mr. Vick has paid a steep price for his mistake and has learned his lesson and that we should all let sleeping dogs lie.

What do you think? Will you doggedly tune in to The Michael Vick Project?

Mel,

You can probably understand how between your bad behavior with Uterus #2 Oksana, coupled with learning it's being directed by Jodie Foster, we really expected The Beaver to be about something entirely different than a guy who walks around with a puppet on his hand.

Our bad!

Sugartittily yours,
The Mamarazzi

Although Nancy Grace handed Jon Gosselin his ass last night, we're a little nauseous this morning thanks to a bottle of Peachy Canyon Zinfandel and The Amazing Race (GO HOME, LANCE!) and can't quite bring ourselves to stare at Gosselin's unblinking fish eyes for one more second and so instead we bring you the other biggest celebrity news scandal of the week - David Letterman!

¡escandaloso!

Or, not.

Mamarazzi doesn't really care that Letterman cheated on his wife (then girlfriend) and mother of his child.

Don't get us wrong, we'd be plenty pissed if any of the Mr. Mamarazzis tried a similar stunt, and we feel for Regina because it sucks, but in the world of celebrities gone off the rails, this just doesn't rattle our collective cage.

He's not our "Family Values" political representative... our pastor or priest... we don't think any of those women felt their jobs or advancement was at stake and let's face it: people who work together often boink together.

In fact, shhhh... some of Mamarazzi, long ago, in a galaxy far away, when the "single" box was checked on W-2s, boinked co-workers.

Boinking! Bringing staffers together.

What about you? Is Dave no longer in your Top 10 (rimshot!)?

(Photo courtesy of D-Listed)

By now you've probably heard how Jon Gosselin withdrew $200,000 from the family checking account, leaving Kate with only $1,000 for household expenses.

Well, we've figured out how Kate can get the money back.

We heard that Steve Carrell's daughter sold lemonade to the paparazzi, and brought home $36 after only a few minutes' work. After that it was easy.

Take $200,000, divide by eight kids, divide by $36 dollars an hour, divide by 24 hours a day, and what do you get? You get the answer to Kate Gosselin's financial problems. You also get 29, which is the number of days of non-stop selling it would take the eight Gosselin kids to make back the $200,000.

And if Carrell's daughter can earn $36 in half an hour from the paltry number of paparazzi assigned to report on the Carrells, how much more can the Gosselin kids bring in? Kate might be able to let them go to bed at night.

And think what interesting episodes it would make. A combination of a Depression-era dance marathon and Oliver Twist.

So Kate, get to it. After all, it's not as if your kids aren't already earning their keep.

(Photo courtesy of Zimbio)

They even have experience!

What do you call someone who won't shut up, won't get off center stage, and won't control his temper?

a. a toddler
b. Kanye West
c. all of the above

We're not just bloggers; we're mothers. And we've just about had it Kanye West.

Apparently he's reached his terrible thirties, and as much as we'd like to be objective and reporter-y, our parenting instincts keep taking over.

We feel a strong urge to give Kanye a serious come to Jesus dressing-down, send him to his room for a time-out, and then mock him on our blog.

Why? Kanye just had another tantrum. Yes, again. This time he blew up at a waitress about some chicken he wasn't offered. And when she brought him some, he took one bite and threw it out.

That's it, Kanye. Time for a time-out.

No talk show or award ceremonies for you, young men. Not until you behave!

Yes, you can bring your bear with you. Now go to your room!

Photos courtesy of vibe.com and boombox.com.

Pass the Pepto. John Gosselin's at it again. He continues to amaze even jaded old Mamarazzi.

Like you need reminders...

...He moved three hours away from the kids to a tony Manhattan chick magnet bachelor pad.

He catted around. A lot.

His catting with the daughter of Kate's plastic surgeon deserves an entire wing in Mamarazzi's Hall o' Fame & Shame.

Jon's girlfriend Hailey Glassman has a long history of attending only the best parties with guys wearing douchey shirts. See below.



She knows how to pose for a mug shot. However, she doesn't know when to stop plucking her eyebrows.



Thank you, Hailey, for providing us with the most amazing literal wasted face plant in history.


Then there was the Summer of Douchey Ed Hardy Shirts.

Fierce shirt!

In perhaps the most bizarre marketing campaign ever, The Ed Hardy Company gave Jon a few pieces of their clothing and asked him to wear them around as very definition of The Ed Hardy Man. Do we really need to continue using words containing "douche"? Naw. We think the overall douchiness is profoundly evident.

Nice pants.



Note the amazingly ironic message on the shirt: Death Before Dishonor. Guffaw!

Now Jon's starting his own clothing line Gosselin Gear. You just know it'll be classy.

So we weren't surprised when yesterday TLC announced that they were dropping Jon from Jon & Kate Plus 8 and renaming the show Kate Plus 8.

And we weren't surprised when, immediately, Jon wanted to retain his paycheck suspend the divorce and tell the world how sorry he is.

And really, we shouldn't have been surprised this morning to learn that Jon's claiming that he wanted out so he can help develop a new reality show, The Divorced Dad's Club...

...With fellow superdad/reality show ho d-bag veteran Michael Lohan.

Oh, and he's trying to suspend filming of Kate Plus 8. Let the wild rumpus start!

Cheez, we've put up with a lot from Jon but we're not sure we can stomach what's to come.