September 2009 Archives

OK, we made that up. We just wanted to show you pictures of Pamela modeling a new piece from her new fashion line.

Piece of what? (Are we supposed to be noticing her shoes?)

Is it a scarf?

A swimsuit coverup?

Oh, wait--it's a hijab!

In your face, Islamic fundamentalists! Look how demure Pam looks with her head covered up.

She's not immodest!

(Although she might be certifiable.)

Color us naive, but there are a lot more ways to become famous than we had previously supposed. The Phillips family proves it.

So check it out: six new ways to become famous, due to proximity to the Mamas and the Papas:

1. Start the group

and have sex with your daughter!

2. Star in a 1970s sitcom

and have sex with your father!

3. Marry John Phillips

and pretend the whole thing didn't happen!

4. Marry John Phillips

Genevieve Waite Phillips, Tamerlane Phillips, John Phillips, and Mackenzie Phillips in 1982

and pretend the whole thing never happened. Still! (Hey, it worked for Michelle.)

5. Sing with a trio

and admit that it probably did happen.

And then talk about. On Oprah. (Check local listings.)

And our favorite, because it's classic:

6. Choke to death on a ham sandwich.

Mamarazzi welcomes a second Grey's Anatomy actress to the New Mom's Club in less than a week! Ellen Pompeo and hubby (YES! Although rare, a few celebs still get married before reproducing!) Chris Ivery have added a daughter to their little constellation. And yes, she got a requisite four part Hollywood name: Stella Luna Pompeo Ivery.

We confess, we like the name. It's got lovely imagery and it's not out-of-this-world loony.

Still, something about the the name's a little batty.

Ordinarily, we'd be all up in arms over a wee three year old tottering around town in kitten heels

because as grown women, we're very aware the dangers of heels + sidewalk cracks.

However, we're feeling charitable today, as it's clear that Miss Suri is just being her father's daughter.

Like most women Mamarazzi often feels simply done in and exhausted... so many celebrities... so much bad behavior... it takes it out of a girl.

At the end of the day we want to stretch out on the couch with the a glass of wine while someone special to rubs our feet and tells us how pretty and clever we are...

We are in need of a Baby Daddy.

And we need your help identifying him...

The Contenders:

McDreamy McDaddy

The Rock-Me-Daddy

Sexiest Man Alive Daddy, Matt Damon

Heroes Hottie Daddy, Sendhil Ramamurthy

French Daddy, Gabriel Aubry... yet another reason to hate on Halle Berry

Daddy to Many, Brad Pitt

Soccer Hottie Dad, David Beckham

Rocker Daddy Fabulous, Gavin Rossdale

All Around Nice Guy Daddy, Ben Affleck

Choose wisely friends, for Mamarazzi's Baby Daddy will live on in the sidebar...

** I have forgotten several lovely and handsome men... Hugh Jackman and COLIN FIRTH spring to mind... feel free to add your nomination in the comments... if they get enough votes there, they win.**

Who Should Be Mamarazzi's Baby Daddy?

McDreamy

The Rock

Matt Damon

Sendhil Ramamurthy

Gabriel Aubry

Brad Pitt

David Beckham

Gavin Rossdale

Ben Affleck

Do your kids ever tell you you're embarrassing?

That's a rhetorical question. OF COURSE THEY DO.

Well, next time it happens, show them these pictures of Courtney Love.

Pictures courtesy of Sun.uk

And then tell them that Courtney posted them to her twitter account.

They might not say "Wow, Mom, you're so much cooler than Courtney Love!" Maybe they'll just roll their eyes at Courtney's craptastic PhotoShop skills.

Whatever. We'll take it.

Courtney, thank you for making us look good. Again.

For quite a while now, Katherine Heigl has had a reputation for being a bit of a diva and difficult to work with.

However, we're giving Katherine a clean slate after she and her husband adopted the chubby-cheeked enchantress, Naleigh, from Korea.

The Mamarazzi have a soft spot in their cold, dark hearts for adoptive parents. And we supersize it for people who adopt special needs children, like little Naleigh.

So, Katherine? Unless you go all Britney on us, Mamarazzi has your back.

Congratulations!

Pamela Anderson thinks sexy is beach ball boobies and Oompa-Loompa skin.



Katie Price thinks sexy is beach ball boobies, Oompa-Loompa skin and lipo-ed legs. Not to mention more wardrobe malfunctions than we can count.



Shauna Sand thinks... seriously, what the holy hell does Shauna Sand think?



Mamarazzi thinks that Uma Thurman's got sexy right.

Sexy is ATTITUDE, baby, attitude!

Though we'd feel a lot better if she'd maybe snack on some fried butter.

... and so we bring you the first of a multi-part series on what not to buy your child this holiday season:

You're Welcome.

Even though he never became a father, Patrick Swayze always seemed to be perfect father material.

Image courtesy of ScrapeTV.com

Or maybe that's our crushes talking.

Image courtesy of People.com

So manly. And brave. And such a dancer!

Our condolences to Lisa Niemi, his wife of 34 years.

Image courtesy of People.com

(Click here to see Johnny and Baby's last dance.)

Just when we thought we couldn't stand to hear one. more. word. about Michael Jackson, Madonna gave her speech at the MTV video awards.

Courtesy of Dailymail.co.uk

She pointed out the things she and Michael had in common.

Courtesy of the Daily Express

She recalled her attempts to get to know him in 1991.

Courtesy of People.com

It was incredibly moving, and made us feel really bad about all the mean things we've said about Madonna over the years.

It also made us think of what we missed by Michael's untimely death. If he had lived, Madonna might have remembered he existed.

Hell, she would probably have tried to adopt him.

Dear Miss Griffin:

We've checked everything-emails, tweets--even snail mail, for God's sake--and you still haven't applied for the job of Mamarazzi writer.

We can't figure out why you still haven't applied. After all, it's pretty clear we could use the help.

Maybe you're too modest, shy, and self-effacing to pursue a writing career at this prestigious blog. After all, you're an award-winning television star and published author, but not everyone can be a blogger. So we're taking this opportunity to reach out to you.

We think you'd be a good fit with our team. It seems like only yesterday we were reporting on your interview with Levi Johnston. And now you're going after the Gosselins.

George Takei as Jon? Brilliant. Just brilliant. So think about signing on with us. You'd be perfect! And we could all be BFFs 4eva!!!

If you're too busy making book tour appearances and writing Emmy acceptance speeches to become a Mamarazzi staff writer, could you just email us and tell us who your next victim will be?

Because following you around sure beats writing about Charlie Sheen's conspiracy theory.

Love,
Your Number One Fans

It's been too long since we've been able to rant about people famous for being famous AND dreadful baby names. Let the wild rumpus rant start!

Nicole Richie, special and famous for being Ed McMahon to Paris Hilton's Johnny Carson, has had a second child with boyfriend Joel Madden.

We all know that celebrities give their kids weird names. Now even un-special commoners routinely name their kids er, creatively. So celebs started adding more names to their kids - four is now the standard. Pretty soon we'll see super-long crazy names. Octo-names, if you will.

You know, especially when you're famous despite having no special talent, image is everything. Naturally, you want your kids' names to have special image.

So with that in mind, we welcome Nicole & Joel's brand new son, Sparrow James Midnight Madden.

Here are our mental images of the poor kid. Backwards.

Midnight. It's a good name for a kitty or horsie, but the first image that jumped into our heads?

One hit wonders, Dexy's Midnight Runners.

Our Eyes!!!

Next, James. Whoa, too normal! But we're not normal, so the first image to come to our minds? Actor James Franco asleep in class at Columbia University, because we see a lot of this in the little Richie-Madden kid's future.

FINALLY, Sparrow. We're torn: Do we think of a cute little songbird?

Or Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow?

We can't decide. So this is the poor kid's image, forever imprinted in our minds.

Everyone deserves love.

However, when the 2nd love starts to closely resemble the 1st, you may want to coax him back to a beachy blonde, lest your children get all confused.

Yes, this is the Gwyneth we remember. Young, free, flat, and unfettered by underwear.

And we thought she'd never change. Whether it was the classic chicken cutlet Oscar dress fiasco of 2002

Or the new-and-improved pregnancy version

it felt like things would never change.

So no one was more surprised than us when we saw the latest paparazzi picture of her.

Isn't it amazing to see how our Gwyneth has grown and developed over the years?

Image courtesy of The Sun

She just needs to learn that the bra goes under the clothes.

Whether you labor day after day in a coal mine or for fifty-seven hours straight in a delivery room, Mamarazzi (along with fellow laborers Kate and Nadya) wishes you a relaxing and enjoyable Labor Day.

(No seriously, put down the hedge trimmers and go inside and watch some bad TV or something.)

Mamarazzi was going to talk about the fact that Demi Moore should probably spend less time Twittering about Perez Hilton being a pedophile and more time making sure her 15 year old is wearing actual pants, but we didn't want to deal with being on Kirstie Alley's bad side because we kind of like her (Fat Actress anyone?) and she's a highly placed Thetan and we're scared of Tom Cruise.

we are not talking about Tallulah's rear end hanging out of her ridiculous shorts.

So instead we ask you this: Is Violet Affleck, at 4, too old for a binky? For a stroller? For both?

Yo, K-Fed!

Don't you know

that it's not healthy

to smoke?

xxxx,
The Mamas of Mamarazzi

p.s. Here's a flashback to 2004. The tattoos really help with identification, don't they?

p.p.s. Keep it up and your new nickname will be K-very-well-Fed.

Forget politics. We loves us a good public dysfunctional family.

Sarah Palin's not-quite-son-in-law, Levi Johnston, talks serious trash about Sarah in October's Vanity Fair. Meee-ow!

Because Mamarazzi is all about being fair and balanced, we totally made up the following interviewed Sarah Palin to get her side of the story. Here's an excerpt.

Mamarazzi: Sarah Palin, Levi told Vanity Fair that, when you learned that your 16 year old daughter Bristol was pregnant, you wanted to adopt the baby to hide the fact that she clearly disobeyed your "abstinance only" philosophy. Not to mention, having an unmarried pregnant high school daughter might not fit into your personal and political agenda. Please excuse us for asking, but just how did you feel when you learned about Bristol & Levi's pregnancy?

Sarah Palin: Well, ya know, Levi's a true Alaskan boy. His boys can swim like the majestic Alaskan Salmon, powerfully charging up one of Alaska's bountiful pristine streams.

Mamarazzi: Oooo-kay. Please share with us: How would you have explained the sudden appearance of a baby less than nine months after the birth of your own son, Trig?

Sarah Palin: Ya know, I considered passing little Tripp off as my own. I'd explain that my husband Todd's boys can swim like the majestic Alaskan Salmon, powerfully charging up one of Alaska's bountiful pristine streams. In Alaska, if you can dream of having two babies in eight months, you can do it!

Mamarazzi: Yes. Moving right along, Levi also claims that you do very little parenting and that he actually routinely grilled meat for your kids' dinners.

Sarah Palin: Now, about that. I want to fill my freezer with good, clean, healthy protein for my kids. That's what I was raised on. It is abundant and it is available here in Alaska, with caribou and moose and different game and lots of very, very healthy and delicious wild Alaskan seafood. That's what we eat. So that's why I hunt and why I fish.

Mamarazzi: Levi insinuates that you weren't around much for your five kids.

Sarah Palin: ??????

Mamarazzi: You do realize of course that you have five children, two boys and three girls.

Sarah Palin: I'll have to get back to ya on that!

Mamarazzi: Thank you for your time, Ms. Palin.

Sarah Palin: Right back atcha! I'll field dress you, you bored, anonymous pathetic bloggers.

While not as surprising as as yesterday's pregnancy announcement, rumor has it that the lovely Halle Berry is expecting baby #2.

The Duggars made naming their multitude of munchkins easy by limiting the selections to only names that start with a J (although they were really stretching it with "Jinger"), so we suggest Halle follow suit. Names that suitably pair with big sister Nahla's include:

For a boy:
Simba
Mufasa
Timon
Pumbaa
Zazu
Banzai
Ed

For a girl:
Nala
Kiara
Sarabi
Shenzi

The circle of life, it moves us all.

What's weirder than having 19 children? How about the 19th child being younger than your first grandchild?

Baby Jordyn-Grace (Mamarazzi frowns upon clever spellings) is 8 months old so it was time for Michelle Duggar's super-uterus to get back to work. It's like the best uterus ever created... it's the fucking Olympic Gold Champion of uteruses.

We are duly impressed.

However, Mamarazzi doesn't quite know what to think of the Mrs. and Jim Bob Duggar... they always appear to be blissful to the point of Valium abuse... they've got that "Buddy System" and strive to "keep the spark"... their house is also their Church so they don't have to pay taxes and the kids are all rather attractive and friendly... it seems pretty delightful around their House of Many, but is it?

What do you think? Aside from the obvious freak factor of 19 kids, and the very real question of how do you meet the individual needs of that many different personalities, is it possible this is just a lovely, giant but lovely, family?

*Steely Dan