August 2009 Archives

1. Have you ever been on a reality television show?

2. Have you ever posed nude for a men's magazine, released a sex tape, or been involved in the porn industry?

3. Do you make Donald Trump look quiet and self-effacing?

4. If people have heard of you, is it because you used to be married to a household name?

If you answered "Yes" to all four questions, congratulations! You're a loserish fame whore--and there's also a very good chance that you're Heather Mills McCartney.

Heather's latest desperate attempt to get attention is her eco-friendly fashion line, B@1. She introduced it at Celebrity Catwalk, an event where loserish fame whores strut around posing for pictures in a misguided attempt to drum up media attention.

Heather's new fashion line is recycled clothes. Yes, new clothes made out of old clothes. It sounds like a really good idea

until you see that turning garbage into garbage

really doesn't do the environment any favors.

Famous-for-being-famous Kourtney has moved on to a new career phase. First, she was the older sister of a friend of Paris Hilton's. Then she was on a reality show. Naturally, at some point she made a sex tape. And now, she's pregnant.

We read a scanned copy of the September 7th Us magazine to see what Kourtney Kardashian says about being pregnant ... all so that you wouldn't have to. You're welcome.

Kourtney on how she got pregnant:

"I forgot to take the pill for a few days in a row."

Kourtney on how her life will change, now that she's going to be a mother:

"Right before all this took place, Khloé and I went to Miami to be single, crazy girls having fun, focusing on ourselves. I made out with a girl, and I had a great time."

Earth to Kourtney: Try not to confuse reality with a reality show.

Kourtney on what it felt like to find out she was pregnant.

"I felt like I had a piano sitting on my chest!"

You do. They're called implants.

Photo courtesy of Dlisted.com

On whether she and Scott will get married:

"... there's so much to do with the baby. Planning a wedding right now would be too much."

Which is just one reason why so many of us non-celebutantes get married before we start playing baby roulette with our birth control.

We'll spare you any more snippets of Kourtney's so-called "wisdom." Suffice to say that pregnant doesn't makes her any more interesting or intelligent.

On the other hand, at least she's not Kendra Wilkinson--who kept blathering about being horny, having sex in the car, and wanting to bring her baby to the Playboy Mansion to meet Hef.

You know, being a celebrity snarker is a lot like being a mother. There's an unbelievable amount of sacrifice.

Now please excuse us ... we need to go bleach our brains.

Katie Holmes is now officially Xenu's fashion muse.

The current Mrs. Tom Cruise has designed the new uniforms for staff members of "Ideal Org", the term for those Scientology churches functioning most closely in accordance with directives laid out by cult founder L Ron Hubbard. You know, Orthodox Scientologists. Like the ones at the Scientology Celebrity Center in Hollywood.

Oooo, look! Saucy accessories!

According to Scientology.com, "In its entirety, the uniform embodies the essence of international style, at home in Rome or London, but not out of place in Nashville or Inglewood, and equally well suited to South Africa and Australia." You know, all over Teegeeack.

We believe that Katie, like at least one Operating Thetan, time traveled to the early 1960's, and gained invaluable fashion inspiration. Here are some photos of Katie during that pivotal journey back in time.

Here, behold the inspiration behind Katie's creations in their proper setting. We believe the photo above shows Katie, sporting hair as golden as the Scientology logo, graciously serving L. Ron Hubbard himself.

Here, Katie joyfully serves the young Tom Cruise.

We have some suggestions for Katie's next Xenu couture line. We like the idea of the retro-future look.

We think the giant alien head look suits Scientologists well. Also, we think the helmet would effectively neutralize any evil transmissions emitting from Marcab.

We think this little number sums up the Scientologists' mindset beautifully. In fact, we think our couture suggestions score a perfect 150 on the E-meter.

Amy Winehouse's parents say her husband Blake introduced her to the world of drugs.

Blake's mom, Georgette says Amy is the one who got Blake hooked.

Blake and Amy were divorced in July.

Shortly after the divorce, Georgette stole a steamy love letter Amy wrote to Blake--and sold it.

Amy is suing Georgette for copyright infringement, compensation, and if the rumors are true, may be trying to reunite with Blake.

We don't know who did what, but if our daughter-in-law went from

to

we'd be spending our time keeping our son away from the likes of Courtney Love and Britney Spears, rather than wasting it selling stuff to the paparazzi.

and so we bring you this photo of delicious baby with even yummier father... because sometimes celebrity news is a little rough.

(AP Photo/Peter Kramer)
This is not La Lohan's week. Her apartment got broken into.

Apega/WENN.com

Aubrey O'Day is planning to steal Samantha Ronson from her.

Photo courtesy of Flashpoint / WENN.com

And an employee at a New York deli wouldn't return her cell phone because he didn't recognize her.

Obviously, Lindsay needs to get herself back into the spotlight. What's the point of being trailed by the paparazzi everywhere you go if you have to show your ID to get your phone back? You're not really famous until it takes forever to get a sandwich because the guys behind the meat counter keep bugging you for an autograph.

Maybe she can talk Disney into letting her star in another movie. What about The Starlet Trap, in which she swaps places with another very thin young woman with long blonde hair--and nobody can tell the difference?

Or maybe she should just release a sex tape.

(Naturally we disapprove. But we'll bet Paris Hilton doesn't have to show an ID to get her cell phone back.)

We weren't thrilled with last May's GQ article about Levi Johnston, a/k/a Bristol Palin's baby daddy. Levi was already well on his way to becoming the Kato Kaelin of presidential politics, and the story was kind of depressing.

Also, we didn't think it was such a hot idea to allow GQ to publish naked pictures of Trip.

Photo courtesy of GQ.com

We just know that Trip is going to grow up and hate finding pictures of his baby peen splashed all over the internet.

Photo courtesy of www.KathyGriffin.net

Flash forward to this week: Levi just escorted Kathy Griffin to the Teen Choice awards, and then was interviewed by her on Larry King Live.

This interview might constitute the most painful 10 minutes of our lives, which is saying a lot, because we've given birth. Go ahead and click on the link if you want to see Link's impression of a deer in the headlights. Mamarazzi to Levi: a career as an actor does not await you.

One particularly agonizing moment was when Levi said it would be OK to pose nude, but "it depends on the money, man ... It's gotta be right for that."

Well, now he's received at least one offer--$25,000 for a nude video to be posted on StraightCollegeMen.com.

And we hear he stopped by the Vanity Fair offices while he was in L.A.

What do you think? Is this OK? Or is Levi forgetting that his claim to fame is Trip and Trip's needs should come first?

We think Levi's media appearances are starting look like a reality t.v. show. Called Northern Overexposure.

You may have read the shocking story of how a 24 year old rookie New Jersey policewoman didn't recognize Bob Dylan; neither did the woman who called the cops to investigate the creepy old man nosing aroud her neighborhood. Seems the now 68-year-old Voice of a Generation no longer looks like the young eccentric above, he looks like the gazillionaire bag lady man below.

It's an epidemic. Rock gods of the 60's and 70's sure look different than they did in their heyday.

Grace Slick has transformed from gorgeous to granny.

Jimmy Page looks like he's traded his Quaaludes for Werther's.

Steven Tyler's now his own grandma.

And Keith Richards is in a class of his own. We think he's actually been decomposing for decades.

Madonna's obviously worried that she's aging too and looks a little different from her 80's self, despite the plastic surgery and bodybuilding.

The whole Bob Dylan incident has to have freaked Madge out a little. She doesn't want to be mistaken for an emaciated vagrant.

So she's emblazoned her wardrobe with her name, just to avoid confusion over her identity.

Or maybe, at 51, she needs large type name tags to find her clothes.

Madonna celebrated her 51st(ish) birthday by finally letting Jesus into her heart.

"He's the love of my life. He has been so strong around me. I can't thank him enough."

Happy Belated Birthday, Madge!
Enjoy this song that now makes us think of you.

And that friends, is why lawyers get paid the big bucks.

Now, let's be honest, a McSteamy sex naked tape isn't exactly the stuff of nightmares... however, a videotaped interlude of a high McSteamy, his rather gorgeous wife, Rebecca Gayheart, and some once-engaged-to-Aaron-Carter-former-Noxema-model-now-under-investigation-for-prostitution chick called Kari Ann, is certainly a sticky wicket.

Celebrities, listen to the Mamas: KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON. At all times. Wear a robe into the shower and then sling it over the door when you are ready to turn on the water... have sex in the dark under the covers... only buy grandma underwear... STOP THE MADNESS.

We understand that Eric and Rebecca are "trying to start a family". Which makes us hope they have the whole, "drugged naked video" thing out of their system.

To see the video: edited: Gawker

NSFW: Fleshbot

While the Mamas normally would not normally pay attention to Playboy bunny Kendra Wilkinson and her husband football player Hank Baskett, they did read this weekend that the expectant parents have already chosen a name for their unborn son.

The Mamas aren't going to lie to you.

They were pleasantly surprised to hear that the baby's name will be...

... Hank Baskett IV.

And this was w-a-y better than it could have been.

Photo credits: TMZ, KendraWilkinson.com, Yahoo Images, Yahoo Images.

Thank God for J-Lo. She discovered how to get her figure back after she had her babies, and she's willing to share.

So what are her secrets?

She says she had to "diet and work out a lot."

What brilliance! What an epiphany! Alert the Nobel committee!

But actually ... we don't think it was really that simple. In fact, we have a different theory.

Remember how scrawny Marc Anorexic looked when J Lo was pregnant and looking a little not-size-zero-ish?

Well, Skeletor is actually looking half-way decent these days.

OK, except for the clothes. The point is now that J-Lo's back in shape, Mark Anorexic is actually looking pretty good not quite as scary.

So that whole "diet and exercise" story of J-Lo's? Complete nonsense. Everyone knows that diet and exercise don't work. That's just her cover story.

Obviously, they lipo'd the fat off of J-Lo and shot it into Skeletor.

Uh oh. Heather Mills is comparing herself to Mahatma Ghandi. The former "model" and ex-Mrs. Paul McCartney identifies with the Indian human rights champion, as well as civil rights leaders Malcolm X and Martin Luther King, because of the persecution they all endured in their bid to tell the truth.

Truth is, Heather's truth tends to be a tad cockeyed.

Heather told a newspaper in Brighton, England, "They were people who went through controversy to put the truth forward and they weren't afraid to fight, and I can relate to that completely."

Also Heather claims her popularity has soared in recent months. She Twitters regularly (she Twits under the name "heatherofficial") and insists she's only had ONE negative response to her updates. and that here batty followers flocked to her rescue. "Everyone jumped on that person, it was amazing.", Heather boasted. "Everyone said, 'Why don't you say something positive, you Beatles fan. Get lost."

Oh, those loathesome Beatles fans!

Just for kicks, let's review quotes from the three men to whom she compares herself.

Mahatma Ghandi: Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.

Malcom X: You can't separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has his freedom.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.

Mamarazzi is now proud to present more words of Heather Mills' wisdom.

Heather Mills: I could get into bed with James Bond, then take my false leg off and it would really be a gun.

There have been loads of times I have regretted meeting Paul because I was so happy in my old life.

So, let's all Twit Tweet Heather and tell her that we think she should change her name to Heather Ghandi X King. We know they'd be honored.

Dear Jon Gosselin,

Please stop being such a douche and making Mamarazzi feel sort of sorry for Kate - we were much more comfortable hating on her from the comfort of our sofas.

Also, Kate, please STFU.

Thank You,

The Management

With the start of the school year around the corner, the Mamas know of at least one child who's probably dreading the end of summer vacation.

Photo courtesy of Yahoo Images.

Roan Joseph Bronstein (9) is the son of Sharon Stone and because of his mother, school has the potential to really suck this year:

Photo courtesy of Paris Match. The NSFW version can be seen here.

Poor Roan. Not only does his mother toss her clothes hither and yon when the urge strikes her, she also says stupid shit on a semi-regular basis.

Can you imagine how much therapy this child and his younger brothers are going to need?

How can we get Vanessa Hudgens's cell phone impounded? Because the High School Musical star has been taking naked pictures of herself. Again.

image courtesy of I Don't Like You That Way

Seems every time she gets bored, out comes the cell phone and off goes the bra.

Apparently, if you're young enough to decorate your bedroom with posters taped to the wall, you're too young to be left alone with a cell phone.

Can't anyone teach her to text?

(Click here for the NSFW pictures.)

We're starting a rumor that Madonna's made herself into an anatomy lesson (again) for a good cause: She's volunteering as a live model for anatomy classes! No need to dissect this cadaver, all her arm parts can be identified with the skin on!

Madonna, you also might consider heading over to the Psych department as a model for exercise related Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and anorexia.

anatomy chart credit: dailymail.co.uk

Remember Ryan O'Neal? Well, the story continues.

Farrah, the most beautiful of all Charlie's angels, passed away.

Unfortunately, this occurred the same day Michael Jackson turned in his dance card and Farrah's beauty was completely overshadowed by "Beat It" videos.

Ryan was super sad. He had told Farrah near the end that if she didn't make it, he'd be so sad, he'd die too.
Farrah said, cool. Cool, cool, cool! Stop taking the drug controlling your leukemia and join me!

Clearly not expecting to be taken up on his romantic, melodramatic talky-talk, Ryan continued to breathe.

In fact, Ryan was breathing hot and heavy on a beautiful blonde woman just after sending Farrah's casket away in the hearse.

"Got a drink on you?" Ryan said to the woman after she hugged him and said she was so sorry for his loss. "You have a car?"

Turns out the pretty blonde was Tatum, Ryan's daughter he hadn't seen in years.

"That's our relationship in a nutshell." Tatum later shared with Vanity Fair. "You make of it what you will."

We say, ick! Ick, ick, ick!

Actor Mark Wahlberg and his long-time girlfriend Rhea Durham were married this past weekend.

Photo courtesy of People magazine.

In attendance were the couple's three children.

The Mamas congratulate Mark and Rhea on legally committing to each other. It only took the births of three babies, but they finally decided that they might just be good to go for the long haul.