July 2009 Archives

Dear Fishsticks,

What's with this GOOP thing you're doing? Are you becoming the Martha Stewart of has-been movie stars?

We think you should skip the cooking videos and the three-weeks-of-fasting entries and just become a mommyblogger.

Think about it. Mommyblogging seems to be the natural next step in your career. How long has it been since you won an Oscar?

Exactly.

You'd be a natural doing reviews. You're already sharing your inside knowledge--who knew that the Ritz in Paris was actually a good hotel? Until you mentioned it, we don't think anyone had ever heard of it.

And you'd be great at BlogHer. What's all that detoxing and fitness good for if you can't whack Madonna's latest adopted baby on the head to get at the swag bags?

But you're going to have to work on your mommy blogging skills. No more sweetness and light about giving away wonderful free information. No more raving about your "amazing, super, fortunate life." You need to get a lot more cranky and self-pitying.

Start by whining about how confusing it is to be half-Jewish and half-English. Blog something nasty about Scarlett Johansson for upstaging you in Iron Man 2. Bitch about having to go live in Beverly Hills when you'd rather be in New York. If you can manage it, have your husband's career tank.

At that point, all you need is some Ad-Sense ads, and you'll have it made!

Before you know it, you'll be the keynote speaker at BlogHer10.

Having trouble remembering today's young celebrities' names? Have we got something for you!

Click here if you can't see the clip above.

Thanks to Saturday Night Live, or as our kids call it, SNAIL. Oh, (click click click) SNL.

Goodness! Looks like someone stumbled upon the secret Cheeto stash.

It appears that Madonna has taken her oldest son Jesus shopping for his fall wardrobe.

How nice of her to buy him a shirt that will help both him and his teachers remember his name.

Do you think she puts little notes in his lunch box?

Photo courtesy of Perez Hilton.

By now, you've probably seen Katie Holmes' performance of Judy Garland's song "Get Happy" on last week's "So You Think You Can Dance." If not, here it is:

Reviews have been mixed, with most being negative.

The Mamas would like to give Katie huge kudos for trying to follow in the footsteps of Judy Garland, but they have to question why it took a year of rehearsals to produce that short little piece.

Or maybe she was just using her rehearsals to temporarily escape Xenu?

What did you think of Katie's song and dance?

Just for kicks, here's the original Judy Garland version:

Paris Hilton, role model
Paris Hilton is trying to climb aboard the Mourning Michael Jackson express, and it only makes her look stupider. If that's possible.

She's claiming that Michael named his daughter after her. Which is OK, because it's possible that Michael didn't realize that in addition to being a dim-witted celebutante, Paris is a city in France.

Paris is also claiming that her mother was a good friend of Jackson's. And that's OK, too. Certainly the man could have used more friends.

But Paris is also claiming that her mother went to school with Jackson. And we draw the line at that. Kathy Hilton grew up in California, and Jackson was born and raised in Gary, Indiana.

The only way it makes sense is if Paris is taking the lyrics of "ABC" literally. And when you think about it, the song pretty much encompasses the sum of Paris's knowledge: ABC, 123, do re mi, that's how easy love can be.

Everything Paris Hilton knows, she learned from The Jackson 5

We should have seen this coming, yet we're stunned. Many people reported sighting chicken hawks Michael Lohan and Jon Gosselin flocking together yesterday on Long Island, maybe 50 miles as the crow flies from Jon's new Manhattan love nest.

We suspect that Lohan is East Coast Ambassador of an organization called FWDB Dads, or "Fwidb Dads" for short. It stands for Fame Whore D-Bag Dads, an elite club open only to men who've achieved fame for their top-notch parenting dysfunction paired with a strong willingness to display their fabulous-ness to us on reality TV.

We applaud Papa Lohan for spreading his wings to welcome Jon, who's busy molting, shedding six hatchlings and a mama bird. May Michael and Jon fly high.

Then may they smash head first into our kitchen windows.

"Certain journalists have written horrible things, and then they've got cancer, or they've had a tumour, or they've died. And it's terrible for them, but they've done really evil things. I truly believe things come back round." -Heather Mills on her voodoo powers to The Observer

We wonder if Heather has shared with little Beatrice the specific evil that caused Mommy to lose her leg?

Denise Richards has opened her mouth again...

... and said something that is probably going to come back to bite her in the ass at some point in the future.

She recently told Globe magazine that, rather than dating guys and getting to know them, she instead checks into hotels for no-strings-attached sex. She says:

You don't want to bring them home to your house, but I have certain needs. Friends with benefits are awesome. I used to be like, 'Oh no, you have to be in a relationship.' But after going through a divorce, I'm like, 'Life is short, I wanna have a good time.'

The Mamas can't decide if Denise is actually on to something here or is truly as stupid as she sounds.

What do YOU think? Brilliant plan or dumb ass idea?

Both photos courtesy of Yahoo Images.

In general, the Mamas of 'Razzi don't have too many criticisms of the parenting styles of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis (and the other dad, Ashton Kutcher). Up to now, all three Willis girls -- Rumer, Scout, and Tallulah -- have managed to not wreck their cars, stay out of jail, and keep their underwear on.

Of course, there was that incident two years ago involving Rumer, some condoms, and some rather indiscreet photos on her MySpace page.

But otherwise, the young Willis women have pretty much stayed out of trouble.

Scout Willis turned 18 last week and the extended clan celebrated on Friday with a lavish party.

What has the Mamas concerned are these photos of the youngest Willis, Tallulah, who is only 15:

In the first photo, her drink looks suspiciously not like water and she looks rather inebriated, but we'll give her the benefit of the doubt, even though there have been rumors about underage drinking in that family in the past.

But take a look at that second photo. Does it not look like Tallulah is carrying a pack of cigarettes?

So on the chance that someone in the Willis/Moore/Kutcher clan is reading this, we have this to say:

Smoking is NOT cool. It does not make you look older and more mature, it only makes you look young and foolish. Plus, lung cancer sucks.

And Bruce, Demi, and Ashton: Get a grip on your kids' partying habits before they turn out like this:

All photos courtesy of dlisted.

God bless the internet. What did we ever do without it? We don't need to read second-hand reports of celebrities making fools of themselves in People magazine anymore. We can sit at home in luxurious ease while celebrity idiocy is beamed straight to our laptops.

Our latest favorite is Courtney Love, who all by herself, is reason enough for TMZ.com and twitter to exist. First of all, there's this priceless TMZ footage, where girlfriend can't resist the opportunity to display the contents of her purse and dazzle everyone with her knowledge of Edgar Allan Poe.

Courtney Love - Bag Lady

"I'm still famous! No really! I am!"

And as if that weren't enough, Love also used her twitter account to blast former Hole member Eric Erlandson and broadcast her ignorance of contract law. Seems our Courtney wants to release a solo Hole album.

uh i just hear that a former guitar player is saying i cant use my name for MY band, hes out of his MIND, he may want to check the trademark

and his amex "Disease Model Tour" Bills, and umm, lets see his 99 usage of that amex and his 01 usage of wow 298K?198,000DOLLARS? Hole is

MY Band MY name and MY Tradmark he also might want to check his TAXES versus my redone Taxes on a bogus ssn, and talk to @Perezhilton's

Crook CPA Accoutancy Firm COUGHS then VOMITS< who pay themselves something liek 350,000 a week and then dump 38,ooo into shell corps

In 2006 Steves went and s corped the name HOLE INC noone knows where probably Deleware, But its NOT worth getting into illtell you that

Buying me some Fish Fingers in 1989 is not really a concept i can relate too after stealing from me and particpating in stealing from mykid

Earth to Courtney, earth to Courtney; ceiling cat says put down the crack pipe. You are a solo artist now, and Hole is the name of a band.

Either that, or the space between your ears.

Yes, Jada Pinkett Smith needs to get our attention. She's got to plug her new TNT TV series HawthoRNe (she plays an RN - get it? Cute.) and she needs to remind us who she is.

Don't get us wrong, we really like Jada. But we suspect that the next time somebody compliments her for her performances of Catwoman, Dorothy Dandridge or her impassioned Oscar Award speech, she'll club the complimenter with her World's Best Mom Award and scream that Halle Berry did those things and stop confusing me with her already!

So Jada's reminding us all of the accomplishment we do know her for: Doing the dirty with hubby Will Smith.

First, she told Redbook magazine that she advises married couples to keep it fresh after 12 years of marriage, as she and Will do.

"[Go for] a drive - and then pull over on the side of the road! Think of places outside that are comfortable to have sex. Does he have access to his office? Have a fantasy date. Be his secretary!"

"Be sneaky," Jada adds, before listing more places for quickies. "Your girlfriend's house at a party. The bathroom! A guest bedroom! Just switch it up. Anything like that can keep it going. Anything it takes to keep the flame alive."

Anything? Eeek!

Jada spilled lots more, er, marital secrets in the August 2009 issue of Shape magazine.

"In a limo, on the way to the Academy Awards this year, Will started looking at me in this way that drives me wild.

"We started kissing passionately, and the next thing I knew, well, let's just say we missed the red carpet and I ended up with almost no make-up on."

Whee!

Sure, The Smiths are possibly the cutest couple on the planet and yes, sex is a beautiful thing. But do we want to know so much about, well, you know? So again, we beseech you, let us know how you feel when Jada opens up about, um, opening up.

Mamarazzi seems to recall there's an old parenting adage that goes:

"Photograph a 15-year-old and make her look freshly fucked, shame on you

Pose her in a do-me-on-this-table-right-now stance while wearing hookeresque footwear a year later, shame on her parents for providing underage soft porn."

Mamarazzi has said it before and will say it again... divorce is a cruel bitch, especially when there are young children involved. Truthfully, the thought of other women parenting our children gives Mamarazzi hives and sends us running for early vodka.

The best a person can hope for is a kind human who will be lovely to your children even though your heart aches when little Billy comes home from a weekend-with-dad and talks nonstop about how fabulous the new Mrs. is...

What you really really really don't want is someone like, oh, this:

Who is that you ask? Why that is Jon Gosselin's new lady! 23 year old Hailey Glassman, daughter of Kate's plastic surgeon and apparent lover of potted plants...

Way to go, Jon! Hailey and Mary Poppins? Why, they're practically one in the same...

While feeling more than a little sad for the cute children, Mamarazzi can't help but look forward to the next episodes of, Jon and Kate + 8 (and 1 drunken fool in the shrubbery).

Another weekend has ended and the Mamas have been reading various blogs in order to find the best stuff to share with you. Alas, for better or worse, everyone has been behaving themselves lately.

No one got arrested.

No one announced a divorce.

No one left the house without her panties.

(Although the Mamas would like to gently suggest to Britney that she remember to put a bra on when she goes out.)

So with nothing left to snark, the Mamas can only do one thing, admire the new wee ones:

Madonna's newest daughter Mercy:

Photo courtesy of People.com.

... and Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell's twin daughters Dolly Parton Rebecca Rose Violet Pansy and Charlie Brown Tamara Tulip Lavender Daffodil:

Photo courtesy of Celebrity Baby Blog.

Those children are cute enough to warm our cold snarky hearts.

We didn't make it to London for the premiere of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. But our BFFs the paparazzi did, and oh, the pictures!

Helena Bonham Carter got confused and came dressed as Michael Jackson.

Meanwhile, her partner, Tim Burton, and her mother look like they're applying for the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

(Sheesh, where were you two when Hogwarts got stuck with Gilderoy Lockhart?)

And here's Emma Watson, a/k/a Hermione. OMG, they grow up so fast! Where did the time go?

Author J. K. Rowling. OMG, they grow down so fast! Where did the time go?

(Can't the highest paid author in the world afford a bra?)

And now Daniel Radcliffe in an outfit that is stunning, completely appropriate, and not over the top at all ... as long as the movie being premiered is Leisure Suit Larry Makes a Porno.

Shiny gray suit, pink shirt, pink flowered tie, frog closure ... it leaves us with only one thing to say, and that's "Expelliarmus!"

And those rumors you hear might actually be true. Look at his eyes ... he's confronting a whole rack of bowling balls (OK, two) and he's totally not looking. At all.

Seriously, someone should submit that picture to Awkward Family Photos.

Proof that the news media is desperate: Two solid weeks after MJ's death and he still dominates the New York Times headlines. Oy.

Admit it. Would you rather read about the economy, worldwide civil unrest, our dying planet, or LOLcats, confused doggies or that tickle-lovin' slow loris?

We suspect the hard news media is not only giving us what we want, they're biding their time, hoping that Michael becomes zombiefied. You know, bringing the Thriller video to life. Err, death.

The MJ zombie dance begins at about the 3:35 mark. Full length MJ-as-Zombie Thriller video available here.

Oh-oh, looks like one of the other icons of the 80's is needing some attention, people.

Once upon a time Alec Baldwin grew frustrated with his many endless failed attempts to reach his daughter and so he was forced, out of frustration, to leave her a voicemail which was then released to the public at large courtesy of his ex-wife, Kim Bassinger, and all the world was up in arms and upset and worried that his rude little thoughtless pig daughter, would spin out of control and, oh my, soon be on THE DRUGS or at least, really bummed...

But, as most parents know and understand the day does come when your children drive you to the point of either reaching for vodka before the sun goes down or having a fit of the screaming meanies... neither of which leave a parent proud. Fortunately, for most, the nation will not know of our weaknesses nor will they be able to Google it and replay it for effect for all eternity.

And now, just we've all sort of moved on and just love Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock, he springs this on us:

The actor, long embroiled in nasty family turmoil involving his daughter, recently told an interviewer: "It will be ironic for some people, but I'm going to write a parenting book.

"We live in stressful times," Alec said. "People come home, walk up the driveway, put the key in the door, and they can't do another hard job. Parenting your children effectively is a tough job."

Mamarazzi agrees!

But hopes it isn't titled, "Go Tell Your Mother To Fuck Herself"

Gwyneth Paltrow has given yet another interview in which she once again tells the world that she is better than all the rest of us. And this time she says it in fluent Spanish.

Photo courtesy of Yahoo Images.

Gwynnie, the Mamas have a special message just for you:

Dios! Tu heres una estupida cabrona. Vas a callarte? *

* "God! You are a stupid bitch. Will you shut up?"

Thanks to Insultmonger.com for helping the Mamas get their bilingual shit together.

Because after the past couple of weeks

we could use some cheering up.

Have a happy Fourth of July!

In a recent interview promoting his new movie Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Shia LaBeouf mentioned that he gets his sense of humor from "... seeing my parents have sex, smoke weed, (and) my mom being naked."

Shia loves talking about his mom. In Playboy magazine's June 2009 issue, he talked about her a bit. First, he talked about how his hippie mother would walk around their home naked:

"The nudity was weird, especially when her friends came over. All of them would just be naked around the house. That was strange for me, and it was really bizarre when my friends were there."

"You've got your little buds over, and Mom's, like, playing naked connect the dots or whatever. She's in the middle of goddess-group time, where it's literally a bunch of naked women tracing auras around one another's bodies with incense and then sitting together and humming for prolonged periods of time."

So just how much did little Shia mind all this domestic goddess weirdness?

He discussed his feelings:

"Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother," he says. "She's an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren't my mother, as sick as that sounds."

Well, then! That's quite the compliment. We think.

Yes, the Mamas of Razzi are hot tomatoes, and don't you forget it. But as moms ourselves, we wonder what we'd think if one of our little darlings told the world that they feel our hotness and like it. A whole lot.

In fact, we're freaking out a little just thinking about, well, all of this. Please help us out by answering the question below.

We interrupt this time of celebrity death, speculation about the celebrity death and who the biological parents of the dead celebrity's kids are and whether or not the dead celebrity's abusive, stage-parent parents should be raising the supposed offspring of that uber-talented and uber-messed up now-dead son, to bring you some happy, non-legal advisor celebrity parent news:

Spiderman Tobey Maguire and his wife Jennifer Meyer slipped under the celebrity birthing radar by adding a baby boy to their brood on May 8th.

However, it's been nearly TWO MONTHS and the new baby's name has not been announced. So let's take some of the heat off little Duvet/Coverlet/ Afghan and his older sibs and spend the day guessing what this new baby's name could be.
(Here's a helpful hint, the baby's big sister was officially dubbed "Ruby Sweetheart" by these same parents.)