May 2009 Archives

Petunia Pig look-alike Candy Spelling and Frankendaughter Tori don't get along. At all. And they keep thrashing it out in public, via books, interviews, and Candy's blog.

Candy just fired off a new salvo by claiming, in a recent radio interview, that Tori caused Aaron Spelling's death.

The fact that Aaron was 83 years old at the time of his death had apparently nothing to do with it. Nor did his oral cancer (please note the pipe in the above photograph) or the stroke that actually killed him.

Now, obviously Tori isn't implicated in her father's death.

Although we can't say the same thing about her roots. (OK, maybe they didn't kill him. But they're killing us.)

There's only one way to settle this.

With a good old-fashioned Dynasty-style cat fight:

Celine Dion...



...Plus Amy Winehouse...



...Equals Demi Moore in this week's Twitter post.

You know how you spend hours and hours labeling your kids' crappe before summer camp in hopes that it will be eventually be returned to your household?

Apropos of nothing, Dean McDermott recently got inked with his 4th Tori Spelling-related tattoo.

Now, some of Mamarazzi will admit to not being a big fan of the Gosselins as Mamarazzi likes privacy and can't imagine a life with a camera crew documenting every mundane and minute moment... also, Mamarazzi doesn't, as a rule, enjoy treating their husbands like 3rd rate pool boys.

Maybe it's just us.

However, we collectively agree that the children are adorable and that one of those twins does not enjoy living in the limelight.

Last night was the rather grim season premier... if TLC is on their game, between Jon's alleged cheating with a 23 year old and Kate's alleged cheating with her bodyguard, the next few episodes should show the Mr. & Mrs. in couples therapy.

OR - could this all just be a ploy? After all, at $75,000 per episode, you need to find a way to keep the viewers hooked...

We're curious. Would you whore share your family for the camera?

Ahhh, Memorial Day weekend, the traditional start to summer here in the U.S.

Various celebrity parents spent the weekend just like the rest of us. Check it out:

They ate ice cream with their children...

Hugh Jackman and his children. Lucky kids.

They rode scooters and bikes...

Michelle Williams and Matilda Ledger. What a cutie!

They went for a family walk...

Halle Berry and family. Seriously, could they be any more gorgeous?

They worshipped together...

Madonna and children. Okay, it's Kabbalah, but we'll count it.

And they rode motorcycles with tattooed dudes while wearing NO helmets.

Kate Gosselin and her hair go for a ride.

Erm, okay, that last one isn't typical. Because no one has hair like that.

The Mamas hope you are having a very nice Memorial Day weekend!

Controversy keeps swirling around Carrie Prejean, the reigning Miss California USA and first runner-up to the Miss USA pageant.

Blasted by Perez Hilton, one of the pageant judges, for her stance on gay marriage, Carrie defended herself by saying that her own sister Christina is a gay rights activist--a statement that surprised her sister, as Christina is not gay.

But now, an openly gay woman has come forward to announce that she and Carrie's mother had a lesbian relationship.

Carrie Prejean and her mother, Francine Coppola

So we have some announcements to make to all parties involved.

Carrie and her mom again.

Carrie: We're sorry to admit it, but parents never really lose the power to embarrass you.

Christina's Twitter avatar

Christina: Even though you have the right to bear arms, and probably know how to use them, being a Second Lieutenant in the Air Force and all, we're afraid we're not going to let you shoot anyone. Not even Perez Hilton. Silly String is as far as we'll let you go.

Perez: Please shut up.

Donald Trump: Ditto. And next year, instead of Perez, hire Simon Cowell.

Malibu Barbie Carrie and Christina

Francine: We know you've got enough to deal with right now. But we think you brought the wrong baby home from the hospital.

Mothers and daughters have always enjoyed dressing alike. It's universal.



See? This includes moms and daughters from the ultra-conservative boondocks.



It includes moms and daughters living in the past. The very tacky past.



And even moms and daughters from some other planet in the Universe, such as Helena Bonham-Carter and her mum.

Bristol Palin graduated from high school last week. A year late, but definitely better than never.

Photo courtesy of JustJared.com.

Bristol's plans are to attend a two-year college and then possibly go into real estate.

We've all been to graduation ceremonies and heard the speeches wherein the graduates are encouraged to follow their bliss or make a mark on the world or something else equally nice but impractical. What these graduates need is real advice that they can actually use.

We think that Bristol has learned her lesson about using birth control; what other advice can you offer this young lady?

We love Madge. Sure, she's a self-important, egotistical old blow-hard. But we're loyal. She was cranking out fun dance music when we were young and cute, so we have a soft spot for her.

But this cougar routine of hers is getting embarrassing.

It's not enough that Brazilian boy toy Jesus Luz (22) has moved in to her Upper West Side home and lives there with Madge (50), Lourdes (12) Rocco (8) and David (3). That's OK. After all, lots of families in that income bracket have an au pair.

But now Madonna and Jesus are going to have a not-actually-legally-binding Kabbalah "commitment ceremony." You know, because in hidebound, reactionary New York State, it's legal for a single, heterosexual woman to marry a single, heterosexual man.

But why get married? Been there/done that. Why not have somebody recite some not-legally-binding mystical mumbo-jumbo to make things look sort of semi-respectable, in case you want to adopt some more kids? And no need to worry about pre-nups or messy, expensive divorce proceedings.

So the question on everyone's mind is: will the not-really-a-bride wear white?

P.S. Great minds think alike: Lourdes calls Jesus "the babysitter." We expect great things from that one.

You know Jon & Kate of Jon & Kate Plus Eight? They've got their own reality show. They've also got a set of eight year old twins and sextuplets who just turned five.

So the gossip media's rife with reports that the Jon & Kate Gosselin are both having affairs. Jon with a schoolteacher and Kate with her bodyguard.

Frankly, we have our doubts about all this. Consider the evidence.


1. How could anyone with that many kids, a reality show AND book signings find the time (or energy) to even consider doing the deed? Gives new meaning to the word "quickie".

2. Is it Spring fever? Or is it less than two weeks before the show's Season 5 premier? Check out the awesome countdown widgit we downloaded from the TLC website!

3. Clearly, Kate's bodyguard/boyfriend is being played by the actor who played J. Peterman on Seinfeld, John O'Hurley.

Christina Aguilera recently talked up how great a housekeeper her 16-month-old son Max is:

"Vacuum was one of his first words! He has a cleaning fetish and he loves to run around with a rag and dust and clean, and he loves to clean his high chair after he's done eating. It's so cute! I'll lift him down and the first thing he does is to take a rag and clean off his chair."

Apparently, dirrty hooker-like musicians beget wee clean freaks.

(Man, did WE go about it all wrong!)

In a recent interview, Lance Armstrong blames Sheryl Crow's biological clock for their breakup three years ago after dating for three years and having been engaged for a few months.

Photo courtesy of People magazine.

Says the seven-time winner of the Tour de France and the all-time winner of Douchebag of the Year:

"She wanted marriage, she wanted children; and not that I didn't want that, but I didn't want that at that time because I had just gotten out of a marriage, I'd just had kids," he says. "Yet, we're up against her biological clock -- that pressure is what cracked it."

Not cool Lance, not cool at all.

Fast forward three years: Armstrong and his girlfriend are expecting a baby next month. Whether he likes it or not, he's going to be a father again.

Given Armstrong's track record, we wonder if he and his baby mama will still be together by the time Junior is old enough to ride a bike.

What do you think? Will Lance stick with this one or move on again?

Main stream media (remember them?) are going nuts reporting the results of a recent ParentDish poll, which found that today's mothers would rather leave their kids with Jennifer Aniston than Angelina Jolie.

Well, duh.

Both women have carefully crafted images. Jennifer's image involves perfectly blown-out hair, minimalist evening dresses, and a glamorous event. Angelina's involves big black sunglasses, multiple diaper bags, and a visit to an orphanage.

Let's say an unexpected errand came up and you needed to leave little Kevin with one of them. Which would you ask to babysit, this one:

or this one?

OK, maybe Jen's being a bit too minimalist here. But at least you know she'd have one hand for the diaper bag and one hand for little Kevin. Angie and Brad would totally leave for the airport with little Kevin still asleep in the attic.

That's right, ParentDish. We've seen Home Alone. And that's one reason why actual real-life parents ended up so far down the list of preferred babysitters.

The other reason--that celebrities tend to make terrible parents--well, try to keep up.

That's what we've been saying all along.

Kirstie Alley confirmed to People magazine that she has gained 83 pounds over the past year and a half. We are impressed. We're no strangers to weight gain but wow, we're in awe. Even we wonder, just how can someone gain so many pounds in such a short period of time?

Then we realized how Kirstie did it. Without realizing it, she accidentally sat on Victoria Beckham!

Not to worry, Kirstie. As soon as you peel Posh off of your bottom, you'll immediately lose maybe HALF of those 83 pounds!

Press the red button below for the dumb joke rimshot!

In a move that caught tabloids and celebrity watchers off-guard, last week it was annouced that Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker are expecting twin daughters via surrogate later this summer.

We're not sure why everyone is so surprised.

At the Oscar ceremony back in February, SJP gave a huge hint by taking "the twins" out for some air and allowing the world a look at "her girls."

Denise Richards just can't catch a break... it started fine, all those years ago, when she was a Hot Young Thing and thus, a Bond Girl (a nuclear physicist no less!) and, for a short while, all was well as she continued to romp her way through Hollywood in various and sundry sex kitten roles... but then she made a supreme error in judgment and married Charlie Sheen and sure, while it was all love and stuff for 5 minutes, and they had a cute child, she ended up filing for divorce while 7 months pregnant with the second child of that union, and, um, that would seem to indicate things suck pretty damn badly (Hookers, anyone?).

Well, Charlie bounced back with an awful but for reasons not understood by Mamarazzi incredibly popular sitcom, a new bride (sort of a poor man's Denise Richards in the looks department) and shiny twin boys, while Denise has simply been on a downward spiral of humiliating reality shows, awkward Dancing With the Not Really Stars and now, this:

Denise, for what it's worth, a lot of people are quite drunk by the 7th inning stretch so this may have gone unnoticed by the folks in the stands...

Parenting Do's:

• Love your children.


• Listen to your children.


• Talk to your children about drugs and alcohol.

One big Parenting DON'T:

• Drink so much that you lose consciousness and your frightened teenage daughter has to call for help.

Photo courtesy of bauergriffinonline.com.

Hoff, blood alcohol levels of .39 are NOT sexy. The Mamas think it's time for you to get some help or else one day one of your daughters might find something worse than an unconscious father.

Oopsies! It turns out this story is FALSE! It appears that the Mamas' assertion that the Hoff's ex-wife is a nut case is correct.

Sure she's adopted almost as many children as Angelina Jolie. Sure, she's protective of her sons. Sure, she keeps them safely out of the limelight. But what about their moral upbringing?

Isn't a mother's number one job teaching her children the difference between right and wrong?

Well, telling the truth is right, and lying is wrong. And we always tell the truth. Whereas Sharon Stone has claimed for years that her breasts are the real, natural thing.

But she's gotten awfully thin lately,

and we say

liar, liar

pants on fire.