April 2009 Archives

You - and the rest of the world - just found out that your gorgeous husband and father of your two gorgeous sons had a big secret.

A semi-drag queen dude named "Marilyn" claims, and has some evidence that back in the 80's, he had a four year romance with your man.

What do you do? What DO you do?

A. Believe Gavin when he tells you, "Honest, Gwen, it was like The Crying Game. I thought he was a chick!"

B. Find comfort in the fact that Gavin has a surprise steamy hot daughter from a one night stand back in 1989.

C. Start a support group with Victoria Beckham for skinny fashionista pop stars whose husbands have had a little too much guy-on-guy contact.

Photos: in Touch magazine, Paradis magazine, Getty Images

There are a few unmistakeable signs of spring that reassure everyone that the long, cold winter is finally over:

-Flowers start to bloom

-Birds return

-Michael Jackson's kids switch from their surgical masks to Mardi Gras ones

Happy Spring, everyone!

Bea Arthur passed away last Saturday at the age of 86... please join us in hoisting a champagne cocktail to our favorite Golden Girl... Mamarazzi looks forward to being roomies and eating cheesecake well into the next phase of our life.

As you may or may not have heard, Tori Spelling has released another book -- this one titled Mommywood.

Photo courtesy of Barnes & Noble.

Tori's latest literary offering debuted on the New York Times bestseller's list at #4.

Mommywood contains, among other intellectual anecdotes, a story of how Tori couldn't de-thatch herself during her pregnancy and how that lying cheating sack of shit douchebag her husband had to help her out.

This is what people what to read? This is what is near the top of the NYT bestsellers list?

The Mamas weep for the future of this country.

Lindsay went on Ellen to tell the world she was feeling down, but she really didn't need to.

We could tell just by looking at her.

(N. B. to Dina Lohan: Don't you think it's time you had her fitted for a training bra?)

Not because they're the most gorgeous papa- and Mamarazzi magnets on the planet.

You know them because they're that family in the supermarket with two small, cranky, shrieking children whose parents who are just plain clueless in the supermarket. Seriously, look at Zahara. She just reeks of having just had a hissy fit in the store. Look at Brad. He's got that dad who barely survived the shopping expedition look. Angie? Oh, please, she's posing.

We all know them too well. The families with kids who whine and cry for Cap'n Crunch® and Cookie Crisp® while Mom and Dad ignore their constant, ever escalating pleas that make you want to grab the parents and tell them to make it STOP or you won't be responsible for your actions.

These are the ultra-annoying people you see every time you enter a new aisle and you wish would just check out already because they're making you homicidal.

The big difference is, most uber-annoying families don't prompt you to call TMZ to document the momentous occasion that's got your heart all a-flutter.

Perpetuity -noun, plural -ties.
1. the state or character of being perpetual (often prec. by in): to desire happiness in perpetuity.
2. endless or indefinitely long duration or existence; eternity.
3. something that is perpetual.
4. an annuity paid for life.
5. Law. an interest under which property is less than completely alienable for longer than the law allows.

How wonderful to have a photograph of the moment little Stella realized if she someday penned a book ripping on her mother, all this could be hers!

Please explain the Jonas Brothers.

Is there not a 4th one? Does he not have enough hair to make the band?

Are they any good?

Shouldn't they all be wearing Virgin Rings?

Mamarazzi is confused and secretly still humming the tune from, Blues Clues.

Suri Cruise turned three this weekend.

Photo from Flickr.

Unlike last year, when her bat shit crazy doting parents threw her a party that reportedly cost $100,000, this year, they kept things low key.

The mini Scientologist had a princess themed party with only a few friends and family present.

Happy birthday sweet girl! Suri, the Mamas' wish for you is that this next year be normal. Just that -- normal.

Photo from JustJared.

It's a seemingly small wish, easy to fulfill. But we're not sure that it's going to be possible.

Photo from Celebritology.

Plus, rumor has it that you're starting your Scientology indoctrination soon.

Good luck Princess Suri. You're going to need it.

After seven children and 28 years of marriage, Robyn Gibson has filed for divorce from Mel, citing "irreconcilable differences."

Apparently, that's legalese for "he's been boinking this Russian pop tart for years and I. have. had. it."

So what do you say when a guy has an affair with a young woman five years younger than his oldest child--who was 10 years old when he won his Oscars for Braveheart?

Two things: at least we won't have to listen to any more smug pronouncements about religion from the righter-than-right-wing über Catholic Mel. Because no matter what color Catholic you are, divorce makes the Baby Jesus cry.

Also, we suspect that we won't be seeing all that many gruesomely violent movies shot in obscure languages, like The Passion of the Christ or Apocalyptico

Because what's the Aramaic/Latin/Hebrew/Yucatec Maya for "Oh shit; that's right; California is a community property state"?

Better hold on tight to those Crocs, Mel ... Robyn has the legal right to one of them.

You knew we'd be all over this one. French Elle magazine's April issue features glorious photos of eight models and actresses sans fards. Yeah, we thought that, too. Sans fards means without makeup. Ah, French is such a beautiful language. The magazine also claims that no Photoshop was used, either. Halelujah!

We've scanned these photos and we suspect a touch of touchup. Check out 42 1/2 year old mom of two, Sophie Marceau. She looks as though she could use a cafe au lait but otherwise? Check out her jawline. Flawless.

Nevertheless, we're thrilled. See, we feel more pain than Eminem when we look at XXL magazine's photomangled cover.

Then again, there are times we applaud photo retouchers' art. As does Madonna, we're sure.

Plan A: Do 500 sit-ups a day even though you were on bedrest the last two months of the pregnancy.
OR

Plan B: Only birth wee 5 pounders

OR

Plan C: Rent and re-enact Jenna's roles in the following:
Elements of Desire (1994)
Up and Cummers 10 (1994)
Up and Cummers 11 (1994)
Cherry Pie (1994)
Baby Doll (1994)
The Dinner Party (1994)
Photoplay (1995)
Cover to Cover (1995)
The Kiss (1995)
Up and Cummers (1995)
Where the Boys Aren't 7 (1995)
Virtual Reality 69 (1995)
Starting Over (1995)
Picture Perfect (1995)
Lip Service (1995)
I Love Lesbians (1995)
On Her Back (1995)
Phantasm (1995)
Priceless (1995)
Up and Cummers 20 (1995)
Silk Stockings: The Black Widow (1995)
Blue Movie (1995, Wicked Pictures)
Smells Like...Sex (1995, Wicked Pictures)
Wicked One (1995, Wicked Pictures)
Exposure (1995, Vivid)
Jenna Loves Rocco (1996, Vivid)
Conquest (1996, Wicked Pictures)
Jenna's Revenge (1996, Wicked Pictures)
Cybersex (1996)
The F-Zone (1996)
Cum One, Cum All (1996)
Silver Screen Confidential (1996)
Pure (1996)
Jenna Ink (1996)
Precious Metal Volume 1 (1996)
Jinx (1996)
Hard Evidence (1996)
Wicked Weapon (1997, Wicked Pictures / Vidéo Marc Dorcel)
Satyr (1997, Wicked Pictures)
Philmore Butts Taking Care of Business (1997)
Dirty Bob's Xcellent Adventures 35 (1997)
Jenna's Built for Speed (1997)
Convention Cuties (1997)
Paradise (1997)
Betrayed (1997)
Dangerous Tides (1998, Wicked Pictures)
Flashpoint (1998, Wicked Pictures)
Super Sexy (1998)
All American Superstars (1998)
Couples (1998)
Wicked Weapon (1998)
Hell On Heels (1999, Wicked Pictures)
Virtual Sex with Jenna Jameson (1999, Digital Playground FX)
Super Sexy Too (1999)
Dirt Merchant (1999)
Word's Worth (1999)
Blown Away (1999)
Dream Quest (2000, Wicked Pictures)
Please Cum Inside Me (2000)
Where the Boys Aren't 14 (2001)
Briana Loves Jenna (2001, Vivid / Club Jenna)
Deep Inside Jenna (2001, Vivid / Club Jenna)
My Plaything: Jenna Jameson (2001)
I Love Lesbians 10 (2001)
I Dream of Jenna (2002, Vivid / Club Jenna)
3 Into Jenna Jameson (2002, Vivid)
Up Close & Personal: Ashlyn Gere (2002)
Young Jenna (2002)
Where the Boys Aren't 16: Dark Angels (2003)
Where the Boys Aren't 17 (2003)
Udderly Ridiculous (2003)
I Dream of Jenna 2 (2003)
Last Girl Standing (2004)
Jenna Uncut & Uncensored (2004)
Tougher Love (2004)
Camera Sutra (2004)
5 Star Jenna Jameson (2004, Vivid)
Bella Loves Jenna (2004, Vivid / Club Jenna)
The Masseuse (2004, Vivid / Club Jenna)
Krystal Method (2004, Vivid / Club Jenna)
The New Devil in Miss Jones (2005, Vivid)
Jenna Does Carmen (2005)
Jenna Loves Pain (2005)
Jenna's Star Power (2005)
Sophia Syndrome (2005)
Last Girl Standing (2005)
The Passion of the Christies (2005)
Dasha: Like a Geyser (2005)
Jenna's Tough Love (2005)
Jesse Factor (2006)
Jenna Jameson: Uncut & Uncensored 2 (2006)
Forever Asia (2006)
Jenna Loves Justin (2006)
Janine Loves Jenna (2006, Vivid / Club Jenna)
Jenna's Depraved (2006, Vivid / Club Jenna)
I Love Pussy (2007, Vivid/Club Jenna)
Burn (2008)

Mamarazzi has a fairly clear position on drastic photoshop: We. Do. Not. Approve.

While we support the smoothing of a wrinkled brow or the fading of an under-eye circle (mostly because these are things we can do ourselves in iPhoto), we draw the line at slimming arms, whittling waists, and strange ab contouring.

And, at the end of the day, the model rarely looks better... strange, yes, but better? Hardly.

Case in point - Halle Berry

Is there some reason Harper's Bazaar decided she needed to be white for their April cover?

And why didn't they, while busily bleaching out her skin and hair, at least erase the eye bags?

photo - Zimbio

It appears that Angelina now insists that Brad carry the family purse.

Photo from TMZ.com.

The Mamas guess that Brad's purse contains tissues (both clean and used), small baggies full of Goldfish crackers and Cheerios, at least two hair clips, hand sanitizer, and probably an action figure or two.

(And we're not sure, but we think that Papa Pitt also has one of Zahara's or Shiloh's pink scrunchies around his neck.)

* Elaine on "Seinfeld."

We're completely serious. Someone has to save that poor girl from her publicity-crazed relatives.

You've already heard that Michael Lohan has "freed up" his "busy schedule" so that he can spend quality time with his daughter. Other sources tells us that Ma Lohan and little sister Alli are hanging out with Lindsay to "support" her. Now Grandma Lohan wants to get in on the act.

Well, frankly, we think what Lindsay needs is a break from those publicity crackheads.

And so, Mamarazzi grants custody of Lindsay to ... Stevie Nicks.

Stevie Nicks survived the seventies and eighties and kicked her own cocaine habit. She's selling out concert arenas and doing just fine, thanks.

Rumors that Lindsay Lohan has been wanting to star in a bio pic about Stevie Nicks have been swirling around for years. Well, right now, Lindsay is desperate for a come-back. A bio pic like Walk the Line would be perfect.

The problem is Stevie isn't interested. As quoted in Thursday's New York Times:

Lindsay Lohan hopes to buy the rights to [Nick's] life story and to play her on film. Unmoved, Ms. Nicks responded: "Over my dead body. She needs to stop doing drugs and get a grip. Then maybe we'll talk."

See? Sounds realistic. Strict. Not a word about "support."

If you ask us, she's perfect foster grandmother material.

We all know that Lindsay Lohan's in trouble again. She's lost a ton of weight, she's acting crazier than ususal and now even Samantha's thrown her on the street. Again.

Cue Lindsay's dad, Michael Lohan. AGAIN, he's reaching out to his college age daughter, not by calling her or showing up at her place - goodness, no.

He talks to his kids through the media.

He's serious this time! He's annouced that he's cleared his calendar, making unlimited time for Lindsay.

Now, we at Mamarazzi have obtained an exclusive copy of Michael Lohan's crammed calendar. It's got the same stuff written on it every single day. Behold.

10:30 AM Alarm goes off. Hit the snooze button.

11:30 AM Roll out of bed. Call publicist. Tell him to make reservations for me at The Ivy.

11:31 AM Remind publicist to call all paparazzi agencies to tell them that I will be at The Ivy, followed by an impromptu stroll down Robertson Blvd. You know, so I can impart my parenting wisdom to the world. And show off my awesome fashion sense.

11:32 AM Remind publicist that I'm available for a reality show. Because I'm just that interesting. And I'm a man of religion with infinite wisdom.

11:40 AM Stick needles into my Dina voodoo doll.

12:00 PM Read Perez Hilton to find out what my kids are up to.

12:45 PM Apply bronzer. Many, many coats of bronzer. I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. Paparazzi man!

1:00 PM Show up at The Ivy. Act nonchalant. And wise. And tan.

3:00 PM - 1:00 AM Watch TiVo'd episodes of Webster, Charles in Charge and Harry and the Hendersons. Because those are are awesome families. They're all nuts, they wear awesome outfits and they're always being filmed. Sweet, sweet dreams.

Wow, that million dollars spent on advanced lessons for a two-year-old seems to have been a great investment!

Farrah Fawcett has been in the hospital for several days now, a setback in her continuing battle with cancer.

(Farrah during the glory years. Photo courtesy of Yahoo Images.)

Ms. Fawcett has a son, Redmond, with Ryan O'Neal. You may remember both men from a previous Mamarazzi post about their matching mugshots.

Now, if YOUR mother were in the hospital, seriously ill due to her cancer, what would be your reaction?

Would you go visit her or would you try to smuggle drugs INTO a county jail?

Mugshot courtesy of Perez Hilton.

But of course.

It's hard to admit when you've made a mistake, but it's also responsible journalism. So all those times we've said Tori Spelling is a butt-ugly lollipop-headed husband-stealing weirdo? We take it all back.

Because Tori had to grow up as the child of Candy Spelling.

We've mostly known Candy Spelling as the trophy wife of Aaron Spelling; a ditzy double for Paris Hilton's mother Kathy. And we have mocked her pathetic attempts to act like a normal grandmother-to-be and raise other people's children by publishing open letters on TMZ.com.

But now that Candy has a website--complete with cheesey auto-play music?

And has just published a book?

Which is timed to come out just before Tori's next book? So that the only way Candy and Tori are communicating is via the printed page?

Dueling books--and dueling updos.

And ... because Candy has just put The Manor, her 56,500 sq. ft., 100-room mansion on the market for $150 million? (Which seems a small price to pay for a bowling alley, a doll museum, a living room the size of Grand Central Station, and a wrapping paper room larger than most kitchens.)

We take it all back. Because some say heredity is responsible for the way kids turn out. Some say it's environment. But Tori is the result of Candy Spelling and the environment she created:

Watch CBS Videos Online

And therefore has our deepest sympathy.

We admit it: We love Jennifer Garner to pieces.

She grew up in West Virginia! She plays the saxaphone!

She's so normal.

She's not a self-absorbed serial adopter.

And she's definitely not party-till-you-drop mom.

She refuses to go all Hollywood on our asses.

She looks like a normal mom.

She even looks like a messy mom.

Like every mom with a preschooler and a baby, she wears whatever underwear she can find within three seconds.

And when she takes her little daughter Violet out for ice cream...

... She lets her kid be a kid.

To the point of being a MESS. Some fussbudgets would consider her an embarrassment. But we love Violet's look. She's the anti-Suri Cruise.

Could we ever snark Jennifer Garner? Anything's possible, but we doubt it.

On the other hand, there's Suri's snark-worthy mom and dad, who we all know groom their little princess to perfection. Now, maybe their Scientolo-nanny is responsible for Suri's chocolate mess, but we applaud it anyway.

Cruises, please, please, if this is your nanny's doing, don't fire her. Instead, give her a big fat messy raise.

Photos: Flynet, Fame Pictures, Splash News