March 2009 Archives

By now everyone knows the story of Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan: together for years, they break up and shortly after she announces her pregnancy... fast forward 9 months and Bridget gives birth to her son, John Brady Moynahan, and Tom is up to his eyeballs in Brazilian gorgeousness with the leggy Gisele Bundchen.

One of the more rotten aspects of divorce is having to share children with your ex-whatever's shiny new lov-ah.

However, for all intents and purposes, it appears that Bridget has moved on quite nicely and Tom and Gisele were recently wed... it's a fairytale, no?

Here's what Gisele has to say about baby John in April's issue of Vanity Fair:

"I want him to have a great relationship with his mom, because that's important, but I love him the same way as if he were mine. I already feel like he's my son, from the first day,"

Wow.

Rub it in much?

While Mamarazzi thinks it's important for all adults to play nicely when there is a child involved, they also think this is taking it too far... to say, "I want him to have a great relationship with his mom..." is just so very arrogant. It would be more appropriate, if you will, to have Bridget say something like along these lines about Gisele.. as in, "I hope my son has a good relationship with his stepmother..."

Gisele's comments sound, at the very lease self serving, and at the worst, very "I took your man and your baby is next."

Mamarazzi does not approve.

You?

Rod Stewart and his wife Penny Lancaster-Stewart were recently photographed while out and about.

Photo courtesy of The Daily Mail.

Luckily, the Mamas of 'Razzi are clairvoyant, so we can tell you what Penny and Rod are thinking:

Penny, "Do ya think I'm sexy?"

Rod, "Tonight's the night. (Gonna be alright.)"

For more snark and other commentary, check out the Mamarazzi Ning site.

Shauna Sand is our number one fan! How do we know?

We only had to make fun of her stripper shoes once twice three four times before she got the hint and changed out of them.

Shauna using her iPhone to catch up on her Mamarazzi reading. We feel so proud.

But Shauna, honey? Just so you know?

Changing from stripper shoes to ho boots isn't usually considered a step up.

Hi, Mamarazzi fans. My name is Cameron and this is My First Photoshop PhotoPlop. This is how I do it.

First, I take the lady's head and fix it. She's really pretty, but I like the eyes on that hot babe on The Hills. So I'll take her eyes and stick them on. And I've been watching this really old show about this family that's lost in space and I like the mom so I'll stick her smile on the lady's face, too. The pictures below show the eyes of the one lady and the smile of the other. I'm cutting them out and pasting them on the lady, I think her name is Valerie.

That looks cool. So now I'll try out this highlighting thing on the lady's face. I really like how it makes her face all white and kinda like the people in that vampire movie my older sister's seen like 100 times.

Now I think I'll try cutting and pasting then dragging and dropping the face I just made and plop it onto some other body. You know, a body that's a whole different color. Wow, that neck is weird. Cool.

Now I think I'll do something with the lady's legs. I think I'll do something to make the legs' edges all zigzaggy. Yeah. Hey, that looks awesome!

Now I'll sell it to People magazine and they'll put on their cover.

My name is Cameron, I use PhotoPlop and I'm eight years old.

(Don't get it? It's sorta like this Microsoft ad.)

Allure

We're pretty sure the next time Cindy Crawford tells her kids to be sure to use soap and wash behind their ears "or else", the little buggers will listen.

Dear Ashton Kutcher,

There isn't a person with functioning eyeballs who doesn't know that your wife, Demi Moore, is not only a hot 46 year old mother of 3, but a hot woman in general. We suspect it's the holy trinity of good genetics, healthy lifestyle and a discreet plastic surgeon, but who cares, the woman is smokin'!

You're a handsome guy and you dress well and most of the grown up world considers you to be one of their own...

However, Ashton, can we call you Ashton?, it's a wee bit, let's say, tacky, to take a photo of your hot wife's ass and plaster it all over Twitter. Especially when you caption it with, "Shhh, don't tell wifey" you sort of look like you a twat...

Or a 15 year old.

Take it up with your stepdaughters, we're sure they can set you straight.

Fondly,

Mamarazzi

P.S. Tell Demi we said, "Nice ass."

Monday posts on Mamarazzi can be hit or miss. Either the Mamas get lucky and some celebrity parent misbehaved badly over the weekend or else the Mamas start scraping the bottom of the post barrel because everyone was on their best behavior and even kept their underwear on.

This weekend brought the Mamas a bonanza of big news to share:

Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart got engaged.

Photo courtesy of Just Jared.

Congrats to the happy couple! After seven years, it's about time. We do wonder, however, if he ever thrills her by putting on his battered fedora and snapping his whip for her.

And then there's the news that Bruce Willis got remarried over the weekend.

Photo courtesy of People magazine.

We won't comment on the 22 age difference between the newly-married couple or how the new Mrs. Willis is closer in age to her new step-daughters.

But what has the Mamas captivated is all the stuff floating around the internet about Madonna:

She supposedly fired her nanny because the nanny had the audacity to give notice.

She's planning to adopt another child from Malawi and will be sending her personal assistant to pick out the child. Her personal assistant? Really? Madonna honey, adopting a baby may seem a lot like buying shoes, but it's not. Go meet the candidates yourself.

And rumor has it that she has dumped her boyfriend Jesus Luz -- either because he was fooling around with a much, much younger woman (you know, closer to his generation) or because the inappropriateness of the relationship would affect her chances of adopting again.

That last one has the Mamas snickering more than a little bit. Madonna, breaking off a fling because it might affect her chances at adoption?

Yeah, we're pretty sure her reputation can handle that one.

OK, we'll admit it. We love Kelly Osbourne.

Our love has remained steadfast through weight gain, weight loss, blonde hair, black hair, pink hair--as well as her less-than stellar performances as a reality TV star, recording artist, fashion designer, and rehab three-peater.

Yes, she's had a checkered career, but the important thing is this: she's not biting the heads off bats.

We love her. Even when she has us asking "What's black and white and red all over?"

So we went all lioness-defending-her-cub when we heard that her mother

and her father

refuse to "let" their 24-year-old daughter

marry her young man.

OK, maybe Luke Worrell's not what they're looking for in a son-in-law. For one thing, he's a model, so he's gorgeous. And he's so young and un-infamous that no one has even bothered to write a Wikipedia article about him yet. Which could be the problem. Maybe it's like the situation in The Munsters, when the Munsters thought their pretty niece was a hideous monster. Maybe Luke needs to get freakier?

Well, we think he could manage it.

So we just have one question for Sharon and Ozzy: ARE. YOU. CRAZY? Or are you just trying to fill the vacuum in the media created when Michael and Dina Lohan decided to shut the hell up for a change?

Look at them. Look how happy your daughter looks.

We say it's true love. And we say the kids are all right.

It is with great sadness that the Mamas of Mamarazzi say farewell to Natasha Richardson.

Actor...

Wife...

Mother ...

This is the first time Ms. Richardson has been mentioned here at Mamarazzi because there was simply nothing to snark. She was a lovely woman, talented actor, and devoted wife and mother.

Our condolences to Liam Neeson, sons Micheal and Daniel, and the rest of the family.

All photos courtesy of Yahoo News.

It's begun. Nadya Suleman AKA The Octomom, brought home the first two of her eight babies yesterday.

We know she needs more help than she's been offered. Nadya, we care. We're here to help.

First of all, that Venti Starbucks you're drinking? That may have sufficed when you had six kids but it's not going to cut it when you've got 14 kids seven and under.

We're sending you a bigger cup.

You'll need a bigger diaper bag, too. We've found just the one - it should hold enough diapering equipment for a quick trip to the M*A*C counter.

We've developed a version of Apu Nahasapeemapetilon's octuplet-nursing vest custom sized to your freakishly stretched proportions.

We know that your new house isn't big. It looks as though your kids will have to share a room. No doubt you'll be needing a handy dandy seating chart crib chart to keep track of your 14 kids.

Finally, in honor of your eight new kids, we're throwing in a Magic 8 Ball that's got a handle on your next five years, minimum. Most of all, we wish you and your kids a LOT of luck.

UPDATE!

Octomom has ALREADY called 911 TWICE since last night! The drama is ON!

Former porn star Jenna Jameson started the week like she has so many others: pulling boys out of her nether regions.

Mamarazzi sends best wishes to the wee little dudes. They're going to need it.

Well, what do you think?

It's the new Dora. Tween-aged and clearly ready for adventures at the Mall (because, let's face it, those ballet flats are not suitable for exploration) with real life friends named Tiffany and Apple and who are also not a wee purple monkey named Boots.

Mamarazzi doesn't really "get" this new Dora... after all, Dora is a preschool program designed for learning how to follow directions and be hollered at by a small and shouty bilingual girl sing the "We Did It" song at the end of a 23 minute outing.

Was it important to grow her up? (Is too correct grammar... stop judging!)

Will this new Dora coexist on the same Nick Jr. plane as pre-K Dora? Is that confusing to children due to When Worlds Collide-ishness...

Of course, what Mamarazzi really wants to know is what is in store for Diego? We're hoping for something like this...

Congratulations to Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke on the safe arrival of their sons Bob and Max.

Photo courtesy of Celebrity Baby Blog.

Bob and Max.

Max and Bob.

In an era when celebrity parents name their offspring things like Zuma Nesta Something-or-the-other, Bronx Mowlgi, or simply too many names all at once, Bob and Max are such nice and normal names.

Let's hope the boys grow up to be, you know, actually normal.

Don't forget that the Mamas also snark at our Ning site -- go check it out!

Eight baby dolls = $16.00
Baby sling = $10.00
Long black wig = $10.00
Giant clown lips = $5.00

Perfect Halloween costume?

Priceless.

On Tuesday night, Madonna and good pal Jessica Seinfeld celebrated the Jewish holiday Purim with their significant others. Dressing up in costumes is a Purim tradition, celebrating The Book of Esther's many cases of important mistaken identities.

Hoo boy, we found mistakes galore.

The picture above? It's Jessica Seinfeld as Queen Esther. Remember when Madonna became Jewish and wanted everyone to call her Esther? And who's that holding mom's Jessica's hand? Her husband Jerry Seinfeld, the professional joker? Hee hee! It's not Jer, it's Madonna's Boy Toy, baby Jesus! He traded his swadling clothes for the costume Mom Madonna bought him.

But, Jesus? Why so serious? So what if you're being used by hanging out with a bunch of people your parents' age? So what if your costume is so last Purim?

And we're not even going to mention Madonna. She wants to be mistaken for her own daughter Lourdes. Or maybe a goth early Britney. Or maybe a major mistake of combining the two.

Special note to Lourdes: Celebrate Purim dressed as a pitiful skinny old woman trying to look young by dragging a kid young enough to be her son around. You know, dress as your mom.

Getting back to Baby Jesus, we can't help but notice a resemblance to a photo we saw the other day of another couple whose age difference is very close to Madonna's and Jesus'. Make no mistake about it.

Dear Nickelodon,

One of the first rules we taught our children was "Kind hands." We sort of think that if one of your Kid's Choice nominees can't adhere to this simple rule, it might be a good idea to strike his name from the ballot.

You know, just to serve as a good example and keep you from being known as the Hugh Hefner of children's programming.

Sincerely,

The Mamarazzi

Rock of Love 3, The Tour Bus Edition, is not a show for the weak of heart (or stomach). Bret Michaels, of your Every Rose Has It's Thorn fame, is still looking for love (in all the wrong places... should have taken a tip from Waylon Jennings, man) and this season he is taking his act and his hos on the road. After all - he's a weird 40something with a bad weave rock star and life on the road is lame rough and let's see if these whores gals are disease free have what it takes.

Anyhoo, each week there is a competition or challenge of some kind ranging from Belly Beer Flops to Bret's Annual Mud Bowl and basically what you have is The Bachelor for Prostitutes Strippers.

Seriously, these are some of the most alarming women on television and Bret Michaels? Well, only the good Lord knows what goes on beneath that cowboy hat but Mamarazzi is pretty sure it's ugly and unhealthy.

Last night had the bus parking in Panama Beach, Florida... (Floridians, we hope you had time to evacuate) where the girls were given the task of watching a handful of children, none younger than what looked to be about 8, at a hotel pool while their (the children's) mothers, all military wives, were treated by Bret VH1 to spa delights. The mothers went off for massages and manicures and Bret and "Big John", his Will Ferrell look-a-like bodyguard, hunkered down in front of the spy cam to watch the gals at task... the best "Mommy" would win a bullshit early morning ATV ride dream date.

Lame, blah, blah, silicone in small bikinis, extensions exposed to chlorine, ankle strapped spike heels on pool coping... and then suddenly it got interesting: turns out 4 of the remaining 7 whores women are mothers.

Mothers who have voluntarily left their children for weeks in order to make out with each other and possibly a former 80s hairband superstar on a bus. Mothers who drink themselves into tequila induced oblivion and then throw up and then shower a deux all on televison. Mothers who publicly beg for the opportunity to sleep with Bret Michaels.

OMG.

AND then it gets better because Mr. Extensions himself reminds us that he has 2 daughters...

FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!

Here is Audrey. She has a son and was actually quite good with the children... for example, when one wandered off she went and, wait for it, brought him back. WOW. In any case, here she is taking face painting to a new level... that little girl? Is coloring in Audrey's tattoo... the one that is a naked image of herself wielding a gun.

Do you think she does parties? After all, Disney Princesses painting butterflies on cheeks is pretty old school.

Audrey won.

Children everywhere lost.

The Mamas hate it when paparazzi swarm around the children of celebrities. The wee ones don't understand -- why are those strangers taking my picture and how do they know my name? Just leave the kids alone already!

Since it's clear that adults don't know appropriate boundaries, the Mamas have some tips for dealing with the paps:

#1 -- Do wear sunglasses:

(Look who's rocking the silver glitter shoes!)

#2 -- Don't hide behind your growing-out bangs:

#3 -- Do wear a head covering, such as a hood:

(Such a beautiful child!)

#4 -- Don't be seen with your mother when she's dressed like a bag lady:

#5 -- Do learn to give the paps the Death Stare:

(For more on Zahara's excellent relations with the paparazzi, see here and here.)

#6 -- Don't be photographed with crazy people:

What other tips do you have for the mini celebs for avoiding the paparazzi?

(All photos courtesy of Just Jared.)

Even while Ma Hilton is being quoted all over the media begging Paris to sheesh, give it a rest already take her time and stop doing it with everything in a jock strap maybe even stop dating for a few months, Paris has hooked up with yet another guy.

Which is more embarrassing? Having your mother tell Fox news that you need to take a cold shower?

Or having everyone know that your boyfriend flunked Kissing 101 because he wasn't there the day they taught the class that tongues stay inside the mouths.

photo courtesy of http://www.zacktaylor.ca/blog/couples/

Britney's back, bitches! She's started her Circus tour and it's quite the extravaganza. Just look at those costumes!

How DO her costume designers come up with their ideas? Clearly, they've garnered inspiration from Brit's real life.

If you can't beat the L.A.P.D., join them.

Britney recreates life under Daddy's conservatorship.

Wisely, Daddy makes Britney wear a chastity onesie.

Having discovered that K-Fed's out partying instead of watching the Tater Tots, Britney goes after him with a club.

Here, Adnan begs Britney to repeal the restraining order against him.

And of course, Britney pays homage to Chester Cheeto.

Photos: Splash, WENN, Kevin Mazur/Wireimage

Alright, this is getting annoying. If we're having problems telling which one is Brad's main squeeze(r-outer of kidlets) and which is the one that breeds them by the half dozen, plus a couple extra just to be safe, imagine the poor kids!

What happens when Shiloh or Pax comes across Octomom in the park? Or when a gaggle of girls from Octomom's first litter accidentally follows Angelina home?
THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

You know, that Angie might be a homewrecker, but she seems to be a pretty okay mom.

Mamarazzi loves their reality TV. They dream about shopping with Tim Gunn, cooking with Tom Colicchio and occasionally losing 30 pounds on the Survivor diet of grubs and rice. They've happily witnessed the whorish antics on 3 seasons of Rock of Love and thought they were inured to the nonsense and oft shocking behavior found in the species: Homo Realits Showis Sapiens.

Mamarazzi was wrong.

a href="http://s97.photobucket.com/albums/l230/evamamarazzi/?action=view¤t=00022092.jpg" target="_blank">

Last night, on a very bloody special finale, Bachelor Jason Mesnick proposed to one Melissa Rycroft of Texas. A former Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader and future first grade teacher, Melissa fell head over heels for Seattle based Mesnick, and his young son, Ty. She accepted an engagement ring with the promise of being not only a wife, but also a stepmother. She was, "the happiest girl in the world" and he described himself as, "the happiest man in the universe." Cue the violins, it's getting all romantical on ABC.

Or, not so much.

Fast forward to the wrap up, "After the Final Rose" and The Happiest Guy in the Universe, dumps The Happiest Girl in the World. On national television. He's, in fact, been spending time with Molly (the one he didn't pick) and realizes she's the one he loves.

Now, Mamarazzi believes that changing one's mind is acceptable. Even after a big New Zealand proposal and the bestowing of a shiny network purchased diamond ring. Mamarazzi feels that some sad faces and hurt feelings are a small price to pay in the face of a sham marriage.

HOWEVER, this is beyond tacky. It's common. Common as pig tracks and Molly, well, we couldn't help but think, "sloppy seconds".

Perhaps Jason and Molly will be very happy. Perhaps they too will last 15 minutes. Perhaps Mamarazzi is a little too overly invested in the lives of these dopes.

But Jason, last night, as a man, a father and a human... well, it's a FAIL.

Back in June, we mentioned that music mogul Russell Simmons and his ex-wife Kimora Lee Simmons were negotiating child support for their two daughters, ages 6 and 9. It appears that Russell caved and gave her what she was asking for. He will be paying the ex-Mrs. Simmons $40,000 per month until the younger girl is 19 years old.

The family in happier, more married times.

Let the Mamas say that again: FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. EVERY MONTH.

That's $480,000 a year.

Damn.

What on earth will she spend it all on?

Better hair extensions?

More Louis Vuitton AND more dogs?

Or maybe the world will get lucky and she'll buy better taste:

Nah... Probably not.

But, we wonder: Will some of Russell's money be spent on the baby she's having with Djimon Hounsou?

What do you think she'll spend all that money on?

All photos courtesy of Yahoo Images.