January 2009 Archives

OK, we were kidding. He's not in the hospital. But he has been spewing again--this time at Lindsay's significant other, Samantha Ronson.

And it gets worse. He's doing it on his blog.

That's right, folks. If you're curious, you can go straight to Michael Lohan's blog and see it all. The pictures of him with Lindsay. The pictures of him without Lindsay. His schedule. His vlog. (Which appears to be entirely made up of eerily lit footage of him asking "Is this thing working?")

Here's Thursday's rant about Samantha Ronson:

I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life.

Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn't used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha.
Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren't just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!

Ohhhh kaaaay. We get it. SaMANtha isn't your idea of a perfect daughter-in-law. Thanks for sharing. Because we've learned something today. It doesn't take a village to raise a child; it takes the entire internet. So internet, get off your lazy butts and HELP LINDSAY.

Oh, and internet? Before you go off and save Lindsay?

You really need to check out Michael's blog.

It has autoplay music.

Don't you wish you had a fame-whore dad who was that cool?

We want to cry when we hear people dismiss our beloved Shauna Sand as a one trick pony. People who have heard of her know her only as a tranny gorgeous creature who stands around in Lucite platform stilettos.

But behold! Shameless Shauna can do a lot of tricks in her shoes. (Um, maybe we ought to rephrase that.)

Come on, now. Who else do you know who would can walk on the beach in seven-inch spike-heeled platforms?

And who else could--less than a week later--display her teetering talents by riding a Segway in the very same shoes?

Believe us when we say that we're in just as much shock and awe as the dude riding the Rascal.

We mean the guy in the scooter, not rascally Shauna's pal, the Chippendales reject.

Getty

And there in the glare of the paparazzi flashbulbs, baby Knoxx realized the stylist screwed him over by sticking one of Dad's old hats on his head and calling it good.

At least you've never signed your children up for this:

Mamarazzi wonders just how loud the outcry would be if this was a video of little girls on a pole?

If it's January, it must be awards seasons. Two weeks ago the Mamas took a day off from snarking celebrity parenting to say a few things about the Golden Globes.  Today, we'll do the same with the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) Awards, because we have some burning questions.

First of all, how in the hell did Amy Poehler lose the baby weight so quickly?

We're not the only ones thinking that; E! host Debbie Matenopoulos bluntly asked Amy, "Do you have an eating disorder?"

Do you think the Bacon/Sedgwick family plays the Kevin Bacon game at home?

Can we assume that Alec Baldwin no longer thinks Ireland is a rude, thoughtless, little pig?

Is it possible that Angelina listened to us after the Golden Globes and that's why she's not wearing black, gray, or white?

(If she ever decides to wear red, purple, or pink, we'll probably drop dead from the shock.)

Why does Mickey Rourke have his hand in his pants?

Never mind, we don't want to know.

Was there some sort of wardrobe decree that actresses must let it all hang out?

Why is Nicolette Sheridan dressed like a wave?

Is Laura Dern grimacing because she knows she has a bad 80s perm?

Could Diane Lane's face be pulled any tighter?

And why did Meryl Streep decide to perform a dramatic version of "Head Shoulders Knees and Toes"?

What are your burning questions about the SAG awards?  After you're done leaving your comments here, pop over to our new social networking site and chat with us there.

All photos courtesy of the Associated Press.

With Valentine's Day on the horizon, the mamas of Mamarazzi are getting out the red construction paper, glitter pens and glue sticks. We just can't wait to send Valentines to our favorites. At the moment, that means Lindsay Lohan.

La Lohan's latest lunacy?

Blaming the paparazzi for causing ... well, we're not sure. Car crashes? Drug use? You be the judge:

My car accident that I got into, where I got my first charge, I wouldn't have been speeding up like I was if I didn't have people shoving cameras in my windows. I was running away from the paparazzi.

Especially late at night, when you're trying to turn a corner, and then somebody else is speeding up alongside you. So, you know, it's okay for someone to chase me and then try to cut me off so I ram my car into a tree. ... I mean, I know this guy was trying to do his job, but his 'job' almost landed me half-dead.

Not only that, but they all stand to make a lot more money at it if they've got pictures of you in a car crashed into a tree.

At the same time, though, I am sort of a speed demon. It's exhilarating.

And of course she doesn't mention that she was DUI at the time. Or that the police found cocaine in the car. Or that she was driving using a suspended license. Or that to keep her ass out of jail, she went into rehab.

So smooches to La Lohan for the killer quotes. And readers--watch out for the paparazzi--they're out to get you! Stick to the Mamarazzi.*

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*Side effects include urinary incontinence, projectile coffee drinking, loss of earning potential, and a massive increase in cynicism. If you notice any of these conditions developing, continue use, leave a comment, and sign up for our social network site.

Former President George W. Bush's twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara, wrote a sweet letter of advice for President Obama's little daughters, Malia and Sasha (Fierce), full of advice for living in the White House. The Bush girls reminded the Obamas that "Four years goes by so fast, "so absorb it all, enjoy it all!"

Four years? Are the Bush girls assuming that Sasha and Malia will spend only one term in the White House?

Nope. See, we at Mamarazzi have EXCLUSIVELY obtained the secret letter* that the notoriously party-hearty Bush girls left Malia and Sasha marked "Do not open until your dad's second term". You know, when the Obama girls enter their teens.

Here are a few excerpts:

- For $20, Charlie the Chauffeur will drive you and your friends to all the cool clubs in town.

- The combination to the Executive Liquor Cabinet is R36 L12 R1.

- Chelsea Clinton's got a connection at Sidwell Friends who has access to every test's answer key. Call Chelsea at 212-555-0227.

- Malia, watch out for that Nick Jonas. His purity ring's already looking a little tarnished.

It's good to know that the Obama girls are learning from the pros.

* The letter's so secret, it doesn't actually exist!

Leave comments on our Mamarazzi Ning site! (You may have to scroll down just a bit to see the post.)

Photo: AP

With the new President and the dawn of a new era of civility, the Mamarazzi was fully prepared step back and embrace the change. Yes we can!

And then was saw this picture and said, "THE HELL WE CAN!"

Photo by Splash News

Apparently we're also seeing the dawn of Hannah Montana: The Hooker Years.

Mamarazzi would like to remind Madonna, in the words of Tim Gunn, not all fashion ideas are a good ideas.

Especially when that idea appears to pre-op.

What do you think?

Let us know over at NING!

After having U2 perform...

... and Jack Black talk ...

... and the Boss do his stuff ...

... and this bad ass mofo grace everyone with his supreme coolness ...

... at your dad's big shindig...

What on earth could possibly compare?

How will these girls celebrate their birthdays in the future?

Magicians and ponies just won't cut it.

What do you think? Leave your comments at Mamarazzi's new social networking site.

All photos courtesy of Reuters.

Everyone knows that moms have special needs--for chocolate, a glass of wine at the end of the day, and an uninterrupted night of Tivo'd bliss.

But what about the moms of special needs kids? Don't they deserve even more?

(AP Photo/Unilever, Sara Jaye Weiss)

Well, yes, they do. To the chocolate/wine/Tivo triumvirate, Jenny McCarthy has added saucy on-line dancing by partner Jim Carrey.

Well, we think all moms of special needs children deserve this special treat. We can't offer you a direct iChat connection to Jim Carrey in his tightie whities, but we can at least offer this:

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Jim Carrey--smoking hawt or very not? Join your fellow mamas to weigh in at Mamarazzi's new social networking site!

These days, to be an Anybody in Hollywood, you've got to have a new baby.

Poor Minka Kelly doesn't have one and maybe, just maybe that's hurting her career.

Looks to us that she's SO desperate to look like a new mom, she dressed like one at the Golden Globe Awards.

Seriously, look at her bodice. Look at its design.

Are we seeing things or has Minka adopted the Nursing Mom Leakage look?

Comments?

Based on the family photo in their Xmas card, we're guessing Richard and Kathy Hilton are still pissed at Barron for that drunking driving incident last February.

Mamarazzi loves Demi Moore for "Ru, I'm very proud of you and I love you. And don't hunch. Shoulders back!"

And we feel it is rather typical of J. Lo (or J. No in all that lame) to shush the crowd with the following, "Hello? Hello? Mama talking! Mama talking!"

Kate Winslet won Mamarazzi's cold heart for forgetting Angelina Jolie's name during her acceptance speech, "I'm so sorry Anne, Meryl, Kristin – oh God, who's the other one?"

But Tina Fey, although you reminded us that, "If you ever start to feel too good about yourself, they have this thing called the Internet, and you can find a lot of people there who don't like you." this post is for you because honestly, Mamarazzi loves you... you, Liz Lemon, SHUT IT DOWN.

images - people

You probably thought we'd have something to say today about Charlotte Church's home birth or how utterly fabulous Sporty Spice looks even though she's going to pop any minute now.

Nope.

Nor will we comment on the Martha's tips for taking care of herself (we thought she simply had a pact with the Devil) or Madonna's new (and totally unnecessary) diet.

Nuh uh.

Instead, today we're going to be even more shallow than we usually are. Today, dear readers, we're going to skip celebrity parenting and talk instead about the Golden Globes last night. It appears that some people have good fashion sense and others do not.

Here are some fashion tips from the Mamas of 'Razzi to you:

DO -- Look smokin' hot, no matter your age:

Brosnan, Pierce Brosnan -- Damn, he's fine. Mrs. Brosnan is a lucky woman.

DON'T -- Forget to brush your hair.

Drew Barrymore -- Channeling Marilyn Monroe after a bender?

DO -- Accentuate your assets.

Salma Hayek -- Workin' it like only she knows how.

DON'T -- Wear a bib with your fancy dress.

Rachel Griffiths -- What the fuck was she thinking? We don't know if she's pregnant or not, but either way, the dress is NOT GOOD.

DO -- Coordinate with your husband and generally look FAB.

Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgewick -- Still going strong after all these years.

DON'T -- Dye your hair to match your dress.

Rumer Willis -- Proving once again that being the child of celebrities does not mean one actually has talent. Or taste.

DO -- Hide the crazy.

Tom Cruise -- Doing his best impression of a normal human being.

DON'T -- Be mistaken for one of the awards.

Jennifer Lopez -- If she can't win an award, she'll just have to look like one.

DO -- Choose simplicity and elegance.

Sigourney Weaver -- The Mamas want to be as classy and lovely as she is.

DON'T -- Wear an internal organ on your waistband.

Heidi Klum -- Also, we hate her shoes with that dress.

DO -- Show the world that cougars can find true love and happiness.


Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore -- We honestly cannot believe they're still together. Good for them.

DON'T -- Bring the undead as your date.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie -- What the hell, Ang? Is that the best you could do? You're a beautiful woman, but wear some makeup and don't choose a dress that blends in with your skin. And eat a sandwich. Two of 'em.

What do you think? Are we dead on or did we miss something? Leave your comments at Jen's blog.

All images courtesy of the Associated Press.

OK, it may only be January, but we've already decided who's going to win the coveted Mamarazzi Mom of the Year award!

And why is that? Because there can be no greater motherly self-sacrifice than getting arrested for drugs in order to drive up the bidding between People and US for the rights to print photographs of your teenaged son's out-of-wedlock child.

Apparently when the negotiations started, People and US were only offering $100,000. But when the newspapers reported that Sherry Johnston had been arrested for drugs People had to go as high as $300,00.

OK, it's not real. But it's not far off.

And since Levi just quit his job on the Alaska oilfields, due to some little mix-up over his qualifications, he and Bristol could probably use the money.

Because double-wides don't come cheap.

And for that, Sherry Johnston, we salute you.

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We know, we know. How dare we make fun of double-wides! Is this the lowest we've gone? Let us know.

Pity poor Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck. We truly like them and we trust them to give their new daughter a reasonably normal name but we also know that these members of Hollywood royalty are under tremendous pressure to come up with a name for their new daughter.

See, celebrity children are valuable commodities, like crown jewels. A cute kid can majestically raise his or her parents' images. Icky kids? Not so much.

Celeb kids can't be named, they must be branded, like a new detergent. Hey, would you think highly of a new detergent named Bob? Image is everything!

Not only that, celebs now trend towards giving their kids not only a first and middle name, they're giving them a first and TWO middle names, just like the British Royal Family. Behold:

The Romjin-O'Connell twins: Dolly Rebecca Rose O'Connell and Charlie Tamara Tulip O'Connell
The Stefani-Rossdale baby: Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale
The Kidman-Urban baby: Sunday Rose Kidman Urban
The Richie-Madden baby: Harlow Winter Kate Madden
And even she of Alaskan nobility, Bristol Palin, named her baby Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston!

So the Afflecks did a great job naming their first, Violet Anne Affleck. How can they follow that? And add an extra name, to boot?

We think they'll keep with a theme, yet choose something unique . How about flower names? How about Chrysanthemum?

Maybe they'll go the color route. We like Chartreuse.

How about another name beginning with the letter "V"? Voila, Viola!

So there you have it. Mamarazzi suggests Chrysanthemum Chartreuse Viola...

Affleck.

Or the Afflecks could simply forgo giving the baby a king's ransom of names and follow Filipino superstar boxer Manny 'Pacman' Pacquiao's example and give her the ultimate regal title: Queen Elizabeth.

In this light, we think the flower - ugly color - instrument - duck name RULES.

What do you think? Let us know here.

New dad Pete Wentz shared with OK! magazine that his new year'r resolution is to clean up his language.
“I’m working on not swearing around Bronx…I know I have a bit of a bad mouth!"

It's always a good idea to model appropriate words for the younger generation, lest your kid be the one kicked out of preschool for sailor-speak. However, Mamarazzi suspects that Wentz finally took a good look in a mirror and realized little Bronx Mowgli's first words may very well be, "What the holy hell where you thinking?!"

We've just heard that Jerry O'Connell and Rebecca Romijn named their twin daughters Charlie Tamara Tulip and Dolly Rebecca Rose.

Image courtesy of People.com

Now, as a group, when it comes to celebrity baby names, we consider ourselves pretty hardened. Moonunit? Fifi Trixibelle? Bring it on.

So we will ignore the matter of naming a little girl after her uncle. After all, he was probably named after a Revlon drugstore perfume.

And there is nothing wrong with naming your daughter after Dolly Parton. After all, it could have been worse. They could have been Elvis fans.

But Dolly O'Connell? Doesn't that sound a big sing-songy?

Remember when Callie married George and became Callie O'Malley?

Oh well. At least it isn't

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You'll notice we didn't say a word about the flower names. Rose--OK. But Tulip? Really? Are we out of line, or are these girl destined to have to deal with more than their share of schoolyard teasing? Tell us what you think.

Britney Spears' ex-husband Kevin Federline is now a clothing designer -- clothes for children.

We'll just pause for a moment to let that sink in.

(All photos from Yahoo Images.)

We think we definitely know the look he'll be going for.

(Photo courtesy of Brooks Brothers.)

So what's your prediction? Will K-Fed bring out a line of mini wife beaters and sloppy pants or will he try something different? Leave your comments at Jen's blog.

The Mamas of Mamarazzi send their condolences to John Travolta and Kelly Preston, whose son Jett passed away on Friday. He was 16 years old.

Still married (though possibly not for long) and father to one daughter, Charles "The Mailman" Barkley was pulled over for running a stop sign and subsequently arrested for a DUI on the last day of 2008.

His reason for running said stop sign?

He was in a hurry to "get around the corner so the woman in the passenger seat could give him a bl*w J*b."

Wow. Just W.O.W.

For once, Mamarazzi is speechless.

Insert sweaty blue balls mug shot joke here.

photo - thesmokinggun.com

What's in store this year from some of Mamarazzi's favorites? We looked into our crystal ball and envisioned the following events occurring in 2009:

1. Tom Cruise will get dumped by Katie, then head to Massachusetts with Will Smith, where they will, to the delight of many, marry, adopt 7 children and educate them in Will’s Scientology school.

2. Madonna’s midlife crisis will escalate. She will briefly date Daniel Radcliffe until she discovers that he doesn’t really have a magic wand. If you know what we mean.

3. Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears will sign a pregnancy pact and deliver babies simultaneously on their own reality show on The Disney Channel. Their mom will write an inspirational book about it.

4. Tori Spelling will continue being useful to the Mamas of Razzi on particularly slow days.

5. David Beckham will sign with 3 European soccer teams, get “injured” in the first match with each, causing him to sit out the season for all 3 teams. He will then sign a multi-million dollar modeling contract for an international tattoo removal concern.

6. Amy Winehouse will fulfill her dad’s wishes by having a baby, which will activate her will to take good care of herself. Then Hell will freeze over.

7. Kate Hudson will resolve to be photographed making out with a different guy in a bar every night of 2009. Also, she’ll be spotted kissing a woman every once in a while because it's cool.

8. Daniel Craig will continue munching potato chips and be the first plus-sized James Bond.

9. Heather Mills will marry Balthezar Getty after being perfectly matched by eHarmony because they're the most reprehensible applicants that the dating service has ever seen.

10. Angelina & Brad will adopt a kid or two, enraging Jennifer Aniston. Angelina will further mess with Jen by starring in the cutest puppy movie ever, co-starring John Mayer.

Happy 2009 from all of us at Mamarazzi!

Leave comments and love letters here!