July 2008 Archives

The Mamas of Razzi are concerned about Shauna Sand.

We all know that she's classy.

And she knows how to socialize.

We're concerned that she's too devoted to her daughters and not getting out enough.

Because in all the pictures we've seen of her, and we've seen a lot, she's always alone. We're afraid that she just can't find a man. What, she can't find a man who's interested in her?

Wait, Shauna! Don't Go! We've found just the man for you!

Comments? Yadda yadda, leave them here.

Photos: WENN, MAVRIXPHOTO.COM

Remember Marky Mark of New Kids on the Block and Calvin Klein underwear fame?

Well, he's all grown up now and expecting his 3rd child with longtime girlfriend Rhea Dunham.

In fact, he's matured SO MUCH, he's finally ready to settle down, right after Baby #3 is born. He told People magazine that will be the right time because, "I think we have a much better chance at succeeding and staying together."

Mamarazzi is guessing Marky Mark won't need to schedule a vasectomy, as his three-time baby momma has probably ripped right through his Calvins and taken care of that little problem.

Do you really think what Nick Hogan is going to remember about his 18th birthday is the skateboard his exhibiting her typical poor taste and timing mother bought him or will the move out juvenile hall and into Pinellas County Jail with the "big boys" be the scrapbook worthy moment?

Dear Malia and Sasha Obama,

As you know, your dad is running for President of the United States -- a job change that apparently you girls aren't too excited about. You don't want to leave your house, your friends, your school, and everything you know for a new house, new friends, and new school.

Girls, we understand. We Mamas of Mamarazzi have children and we know how change can be a real bummer, so we think you should make this situation work for you. Play on your parents' feelings of guilt. Now would be an EXCELLENT time to renegotiate your allowance.

Let's start with the basics. What are you getting? According to People magazine, you get $1 a week and that's if your dad remembers to give it to you.

What are you asking for? Since your dad is so busy, we suggest that you request to be paid monthly, instead of weekly, and that you ask for a dollar amount equal to your age. So, $10 a month for Malia and $7 a month for Sasha.

Now, how do you make the ask? Luckily, your Auntie Oprah has some negotiating tactics on her website:

Gather all the information -- As a U.S. Senator, your dad earns $162,100 a year. If your family ends up moving to the White House, your dad's salary will go up to $400,000, his housing would be free, and he wouldn't have to put gas in the limo or Air Force One. Clearly, Dad would have some extra cash available.

Visualize the result -- A higher allowance = more Webkinz for you.

Know what you are contributing to the bottom line -- Here's the dealio: Presidential candidates are family people and, as such, are frequently photographed with their spouses and children. Without you, your dad's image as a loving family man is no good. He needs you, with your adorable photogenic smiles, to help complete the picture.

Be prepared to walk -- You might need to pout and sulk a bit. Squeeze out a tear or two and let your lower lip tremble a bit. But don't whine or throw a tantrum. That will just antagonize Mom and Dad and they might even turn down your request.

Give a little, get a little -- According to People magazine, you don't get birthday presents because your parents think that they already spend enough money on your birthday parties. While we can see how you might want to throw in a request for some American Girl dolls, we suggest that you include this in your initial list of demands but then drop it later. You'll seem reasonable, while you're still getting what you really want.

Be willing to do things others are not -- Just by supporting your dad and agreeing to move to Washington DC, we think you will have already given far more than most elementary school children. Frankly, maybe you ought to also ask for liberal use of the White House swimming pool, movie theater, and bowling lane.

And, a few more tactics from us seasoned Mamas -- In the days and weeks leading up to your negotiations, we suggest that you two girls get along with each other as much as possible. That means no fighting and no tattling. You definitely should play nicely and share your Polly Pockets. You are a team and need to work together.

Malia and Sasha, while we Mamas are officially non-partisan, we wish you luck with your negotiating!

XO, the Mamas of Mamarazzi

Broken comments link, yada yada yada, click here to share your snark.

Image courtesy of People.com.

When your daughter is is either off in rehab or running around looking like a junky

you have a problem. The same problem that affects the parents of so many of today's pop stars.

How are you going to get a nice family portrait taken?

Well, the Winehouses have figured it out.

All you need to do is convince the people at Madame Toussaud's to make a wax figure of her. The parents can pose with it, and no one can tell the difference.

The best part is that everyone will think Amy's last detox finally did the trick. She's never looked healthier!

Mr. and Mrs. Winehouse must be so relieved.

Images courtesy of Seriously? OMG! and Says Who Live

You know the classic children's book Stuart Little, right? It's the story of of a woman who gives birth to a MOUSE and the mouse's very human adventures.

Poppycock, you say? Pure fantasy? Couldn't possibly happen?

The Mamas of Razzi believe it has happened AGAIN. IN REAL LIFE.

We mean, can there be any other explanation for Nicole Kidman looking this slim TWO WEEKS after having a (yet unseen, mind you) baby?

Leave comments here!

Patriot or someone who neglected to register for baby clothes in larger sizes?

Brooke Hogan has weighed in with her very deep thoughts on voting and why a woman should never be President of the United States:

"You know what? I am actually not that much into voting. I think it’s kinda crazy that a woman is running, because I think that women deal with a lot of emotions and menopause and PMS and stuff. Like, I’m so moody all the time, I know I couldn’t be able to run a country, ‘cause I’d be crying one day and yelling at people the next day, ya know?”

The Mamas of Mamarazzi have a special message for Brooke:

Dear Brooke,

Trust us, PMS is NOT the reason why you'll never be the President of the U.S. or even President of the P.T.A.

Please shut up.

Pissedly yours,
The Mamas of Mamarazzi

The comments aren't working, blah blah blah, click here to let us know what you think.

British actress Dame Helen Mirren has never struck the Mamas of Mamarazzi as a sex symbol. She will be 63 years old later this week and has been awarded a D.B.E. by Prince Charles. Clearly, she must be respectable and perhaps even a bit stodgy.

After all, she is known for playing such roles as Queen Elizabeth II:

... and Queen Elizabeth I:

... and as Detective Jane Tennison in "Prime Suspect":

Yes, she was in the movie "Calendar Girls"...

... but that was a movie about, ahem, mature women raising money for charity, not about hot older women getting it on with their pool boys.

True, those were all film roles, but what about in real life?

There's no question that Dame Helen is quite lovely and always looks wonderful on the red carpet, including when she won an Oscar in 2007:

But the Mamas of Mamarazzi are a wee bit skeptical. After all, with the right army of stylists, hair dressers, and makeup artists, anyone can look good on the red carpet.

So, it was with awe and admiration that we beheld this recent photo of Dame Helen on vacation in Italy:

Damn.

We stand corrected.

Well played, Helen, well played.

We know, we know, the comments still aren't working. *Sigh.* We miss hearing from you! Click here to leave a comment at Jen on the Edge's blog and let us know what you think about Helen Mirren.

Kevin Federline has been awarded sole custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James.

It's really sad when you can consider this a happy ending, but we do.

First, rest assured that Mamarazzi is a non-partisan blog. Hey, we'll snark anyone.

Having said that, we turn our attention today to Presidential candidate John McCain's wife, Cindy.

She's an attractive woman and you know, she looked pretty good in her Vogue magazine spread.

When she lets her hair down, she looks lovely, albeit in a majorly Stepford sort of way.

But when she pulls her platinum tresses painfully tight...

... Which she evidently loooourves to do...

She takes on a whole different personna.

We at Mamarazzi think she needs to keep a professional stylist on staff.

Because we're concerned that she's starting to look a little too much like Futurama's Mom.

You know how everyone tells you that the only way to deal with a tantrum is to ignore it?

Is your toddler having a meltdown in front of the candy display at the supermarket checkout? Ignore him. Your three-year-old keeps interrupting you when you're trying to make a telphone call? Ignore her. Your kids are bickering in the back seat when you're trying to move three lanes over or you'll miss your exit but it's the middle of the night and it's raining and you're stuck between two massive eighteen-wheelers? IGNORE THEM.

Well, Paris Hilton is having a hissy, and we say IGNORE HER.

See, rumor has it that she really is contemplating having a baby with Benji Madden.

Yeah, we didn't believe it either. We've even reported the rumor before, but honestly? We thought it was a joke.

But apparently, the baby Nicole Ritchie had with Madden's twin brother Joel has given Hilton big ideas. She wants to get back in the tabs, and what better way than to be the latest Madden baby mama? Even better, she's started feuding with her Simple Life co-star again. Perfect! Rival baby mama drama!

Here's a thought, Paris. It's obvious that you have no talent or intelligence whatsoever. You're a brainless bimbo, but you do date a lot--we'll give you that much. So listen; instead of having a baby, how about accidentally-on-purpose releasing another sex tape?

We promise to be shocked. And yet, we'd feel good, somehow. As if we'd done the world a favor.

We can see it now: "No babies were conceived during the production of this film."

And the world heaves a giant sigh of relief.

In what can only be seen as a new low for stupid, apparently, Max and Emme, (no, not the Dragon Tail Twins, the other Max and Emme,) never wear anything twice.

Because J. Lo is germaphobic.

Mamarazzi thinks Jenny From The Block has lost her fucking mind her way.

Dear Mrs. Beckham:

We, the Mamas of Mamarazzi, laud you for your always-entertaining sense of style.

Coordinating outfits with your hawt husband is kind of cute:

Although your up-to-your-chin boobies are a bit scary.

Wearing bondage gear outside of the house takes a certain amount of chutzpah:

And any mother who can wear hot pants--and look good in them, in spite of having given birth three times--has earned our respect:

Even though this outfit wouldn't work at the kids' soccer games.

(Also? What's the deal with the corsets? It's not as if you have to hide a poochy belly. Is Becks into bondage gear? Is this how you keep things exciting in your gorgeous marriage?)

We Mamas love the way you wear black so well, even if we don't agree that the bra-less French Maid look is a good one:

And while you may have made a few fashion mis-steps along the way ...

you generally intrigue us. And cause a bit of envy, too:

But we do have a bit of advice to pass along to you, dear.

Never EVER match your accessories to your skin tone.

It's too hard to tell your skin from the cow's.

(We also suggest you back away from the tanning bed and get to know our friend SPF30--but that's a post for another time.)

XO,
The Mamas of Mamarazzi

The Mamas of Mamarazzi congratulate Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt on the arrival on their new son and daughter Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt.

We also congratulate

Maddox

Pax

Zahara

Shiloh

... and the nannies:

Congratulations to the entire Jolie-Pitt village!

Less than two weeks after checking into a hospital to prepare for the birth of her twins, Angelina Jolie is considering adopting another child.

The twins will be the fifth and sixth children for Angelina and partner Brad Pitt, who are allegedly on a mission to reenact the movie Cheaper by the Dozen.

According to reports, the pair was so moved by the plights of penguins orphaned by a devastating cold snap in Antarctica that they want to adopt a penguin from the region.

A source tells the National Enquirer, "Even as the birth of their twins impended, Angie and Brad were already talking adoption again. She's devastated over the cold temperatures that occur in Antarctica, and even got her hands on photos of a few orphaned penguins.

"She's made overtures to offer a home to one, or even two penguins, if they're siblings."

Jolie and Pitt are reportedly big fans of Madagascar, March of the Penguins, and Happy Feet.

More important, Jolie and Pitt are determined to adopt a few orphans from every continent on earth.

OK, FINE. It's not Antarctica, it's China.

As you probably know, Matthew McConaughey's brother, Rooster, named his own son after his favorite libation, Miller Lyte.

So we at Mamarazzi were sorely disappointed when Matthew and his girlfriend Camila Alves had a boy and named him Levi Alves McConaughey.

We had so hoped he'd have a daughter and name her after his favorite feel-good elixir, Mary Jane.

Mamarazzi salutes teenage mother Jamie Lynn Spears for fighting teen pregnancy by bravely sharing that having a child during your own childhood can lead to graying, soccer mom hair.

The Mamarazzi Mommas are COMPLETELY FINE with metrosexuality, especially when exhibited by a guy dating a single mom who appears to care as much for her young, special needs son as if he were his own.

What the Mamarazzi Mommas ARE NOT DOWN WITH are dudes in woman's bathing suits.

That's just sick and wrong (and a waste of a really cute suit!)

In-the-midst-of-a-divorce, A-Rod, and divorce-rumors-in-the-wind, Madonna, did not have an relationship of a sexual nature, but rather, an affair of the heart....

Ok.

Mamarazzi sincerely and whole-heartedly congratulates Nicole Kidman for having been safely delivered of a healthy little baby girl:

Sunday Rose Kidman Urban

She was born TODAY. We would just like to point out that today is MONDAY, in case there is any confusion.

After a busy night turning tricks, Paris counts her earnings:

(Photo from Perez Hilton)

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Apparently in some communities it's traditional to wear costumes to the July 4th festivities.

Here's Tom Cruise dressed as a Village People Drop-Out, Brokeback Mountain Edition.

Katie Holmes is dressed as Morticia Addams. And Suri?

Well, apparently, she's dressed as an Illegal Immigrant from the Galactic Confederacy who is Seeking Political Sanctuary.

Poor Guy. We know it's not easy being Mr. Madonna.

She's demanding.

She cavorts with younger men.

Her lingerie could poke your eye out.

Her choice of marital aids could do even more harm!

Speaking of harm...YIPES! We remember Madonna's Sex book.

And NOW she makes you carry the girliest handbag she owns for all the world to see. Guy, oh Guy, WHY do you put up with this?

Like, if you don't, do you think she'll have your head on a platter or something?

We're not employment experts, but if you have a teenager having a hard time finding a summer job, there appears to be a childcare shortage in Great Britian.